On Establishing Yourself in Your 20's

NOTE: This post was originally titled "On Settling Down In Your 20's", but I didn't want anyone to get the false impression that I've "settled". I am so lucky and #blessed to be where I am today!

Upon moving to the South, I went in search of a cupcake shop. It is completely imperative that one has a local bakery from which they can order a dozen cupcakes anytime they see fit. I found a cute little shop just a town over, and the owner was so sweet. I handed her my debit card to pay. She took it and looked at the picture. It was a picture of my husband and I on our wedding day. She asked if it was me and I replied that it was. "Oh, you're too young to be married! How old are you?" I was 22. I am now 24 and I have been married 2.5 years and have a two-month-old son. Many people I talk to would say I'm so young to be starting my family. Many others started their families earlier than I did. Many couples get married early in life and don't have kids for a while. But I have been told a lot of different things by a lot of different people and I would like to share why I'm glad I have made the choices that led me to where I am today.

Perhaps there is an argument to be made that when you're so young, you don't actually know what you want in a spouse. I strongly disagree. Unless you've lived under a rock your whole life, you know what types of people there are in the world and you know which types of people you want to have in your life.

I met my husband in high school. He was a junior and I was a senior. We started dating October after I graduated high school. To say we have had a rocky relationship would be an understatement. There were so many challenges and many issues we each had to work through, but we knew we would always be there for each other. Our relationship isn't perfect, but his love for me is as unconditional as humanly possible, overshadowed only by the Father's love and equating to my parents' love. There is no one who could love me as he does and make me feel as important. I knew this from the beginning. I never have ever doubted his love. From the moment we began dating, I knew this could be forever, and that scared me. I spent so much time pushing him away, afraid to commit before I was "ready" but I realized it was more important for me to have him in my life. I fail to see how she has anything to do with the situations we were in. If I had met my husband in middle school, we may have gotten married even sooner. If I had met him in college, we may still have gotten married sooner. The time we put into our relationship prior to our marriage was what we felt was best, and no one else can have an opinion because no one else is a part of that relationship.

After so many years of waiting and wishing, we finally had a baby boy. He is everything to me and I love him so. I never knew such pure, deep love until I gave birth to my son. He is my flesh and blood and I get to care for him day and night. He depends on me to eat, to change him, to get dressed, to sleep, to bathe, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My husband and I are the perfect team, which I knew based on our past experiences in the 6 years we've been dating (because we are always dating). I am a mom at 24 and I wish it was sooner! I know God had a plan for me and this baby and my family and He knew I wasn't ready before this, be he knew I would be a great mom, no matter how young I am.

The most common reason people don't want to start their family is that they are enjoying their life as it is. That is so great! There is no pressure on society for anyone of any age to have kids or get married. Just because your friends are doing it, doesn't mean you have to! I'll be completely honest, I see friends who travel all the time, who go out often, who go to concerts or events every weekend, and I get a little green. I do miss those fun times when I could call a friend and spontaneously meet up. Now I have to plan hours ahead so that I can leave on time for the pedi. I have to make sure that whatever craziness the day holds for me that I'm back in time to put Daxton to sleep by 8 so he can sleep for 8 hours(UPDATE: We're up to 10 hours!). But I look at my son and I look at my husband and I think how lucky I am to have such a beautiful life I get to influence and a wonderful husband to stand by me and love me. No concert or vacation could possibly fulfill that place in my heart.

Some define happiness by the amount of money in their bank account or by their career. Some define it by their car and their house. I define by the amount of joy in my life. Joy is not of this world, but of the Lord. I get my joy from my answered prayers. I prayed that I would be fulfilled in my marriage. I prayed that I would have a beautiful, healthy child. I prayed that I would find a community of people to be a solid part of my life. I prayed for true friendships. I prayed for my relationships with my mother, father, and sister. I have seen God answer all these prayers and overflow my life with blessings. I experience true joy daily and I wouldn't trade any part of my life because I'm too young.

-T

On Complete Transparency

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Never has a verse been so powerful in my life. Though I didn't spend much time on it until (what I hope was) the climax of our tough season had passed, I feel like this is my new life verse. I would really like to share how Jesus has moved in our lives these past few months and how our family is now changed because of His blessings.

The biggest and most obvious blessing in our lives is our son, Daxton. We had been working on our marriage for a while and had really gotten to a good place and decided we wanted a baby. I went to see my OB and about a month later, I went back for my verification appointment! Throughout my pregnancy, I doubted if we were ready, questioned if we had rushed into our decision. My husband was always ready to reply that God obviously thought we were ready or we wouldn't be pregnant. That always put so much peace in my heart. A blessing within a blessing, Daxton wasn't due until the end of racing season. Literally, the very last day of racing season. My husband missed the last two races to stay home on baby watch, and my whole family was able to fly out in time to be there when Daxton was born (my dad arrived 5 hours before we went to the hospital!). Blessing in that was that we had round the clock help for the first few weeks since my mother-in-law came right after my mom left, two weeks after Dax was born.

A blessing in disguise: my husband lost his job a week and a half after Daxton was born. His team shut down and he was back on the market, looking for jobs, along with that entire team, when most jobs had been filled. My husband was out of work for two months, and we had a newborn! Our families were so instrumental in our survival during that time. Our friends rallied to bring us meals and would come help us whenever we needed it (I'm looking at you, Twin!). Our Pastor unknowingly delivered sermons week after week that renewed our hope and faith that God was working on something great in our lives. (Shameless plug: check out the Christmas Eve sermon from Elevation Church titled "Learning Hope the Hard Way"http://elevationchurch.org/sermons/learning-hope-the-hard-way/) My husband and I realized that God was chopping us down to our roots, pruning our lives, so that we would have room for new growth, for the new opportunities God would provide as we raise our son to be a Christ follower. We had been cut down to a stump, and we were just praying that a shoot would rise from our roots and bear fruit (Isaiah 11:1-4). We prayed as a family, individually, and each with our son.

I never truly understood the power of offering until this time. At the end of the year, our church challenges us to give sacrificially, separate from what we tithe, to aid in the expansion and growth of the church. Leading up to this offering, my husband and I would discuss what we wanted to give. We had concluded we would comfortably sacrifice a percentage of our savings without bankrupting ourselves. Well, the good Lord thought we could be challenged further. When the time came, our savings was almost depleted and we weren't receiving any income (my maternity leave was a permanent leave). My husband and I have a box on the mantle that we throw loose change and extra cash in for date nights and further dream vacations. We said that whatever was in the box was what would go to the church. That would pretty much be everything we had, save what we needed for bills, rent, and gas/groceries. There was $90 and it all went to the church. I couldn't help but think of the Poor Widow's Offering (Luke 21:1-4). A few weeks later, my husband got a job with a great team, some of whom even attend our church. He is going to be home more, his hours will be more predictable, and he was making what he was making before. On his first day, I prayed with Daxton that Dad would love his job and be excited to go to work everyday. That night, as we were getting in bed, Stephen looked at me and said, "Is it weird that I'm actually excited to go to work tomorrow?" I became so emotional and I knew that God had truly done something wonderful in our lives.

The last blessing I want to write about is that because of how God worked in our lives, I am able to stay home with my son. It will be tough, but it makes the most sense. For the first year of Daxton's life, while he breastfeeds and is still learning about the world, I will guide him as his mom. After the first year, I will probably be eager for a job, but Dax won't get much socially his first year and feeding/nursing would be too difficult. Also, I would have to make double what I was before to really make it worth the price of childcare. And that's if we can find a good place with an opening! Staying at home is going to be a positive challenge for me, but I will be there for his first steps, his first words, his first foods, his first tooth.

Because of how God has generously given to my family, I am going to spend this year giving back. I've had it on my heart for a while to get involved in leadership in the church. I highly doubt God sent me to a four-year Christian university to take so many Bible classes for nothing. He was working in my life even then. This year, I have decided to focus on the path I want to walk in the church. I have began to serve, I am starting a small group (eGroup), and I have my sights set even higher. I know God wants to use me, and I am going to Focus my Fight ("Work Your Window") on the church.

-T

On Mommying Through Anxiety, Depression, and Introversion

It's no secret that I have anxiety. I have dealt with this all my life, but it wasn't until recently that I learned how to control it instead of letting it control me. I spent my entire pregnancy in therapy, mentally preparing myself for the crazy adventure ahead. I have known mothers who have dealt with issues similar to mine. Some have stayed strong and overcome their obstacles. Many have given in and let their issues steal some of their joy in many forms. I'm going to share my story and hopefully it all comes together in a cohesive way that I can actually post this!

Confidence
Anxiety is my biggest issue. It has caused me to doubt myself all my life. My confidence has always been threatened and I have the hardest time making decisions of any caliber. I literally wrote (tried to write) a song in high school with the line "Confidence is something/ Of which I know nothing". I battled depression my sophomore year of high school. I began gaining weight and was really hard on myself. Because of my self-doubt, I am an introvert. Once I gain enough confidence in a situation, I will be the life of the party, but getting there is always a battle.

Prioritize Self Care
In order to be a mother who could balance my issues and raise my child successfully, I would have to make myself a priority. I need sleep, I need to eat, I need to self-soothe, I need to read, and I need "me time". I know what I need to do to help keep the anxiety monster lurking in the shadows. Beyond self care in terms of hygiene, you need to care for your emotions, mental well-being, and your soul. I find the best ways to do this are meditation, studying my Bible, blogging, and cuddling my baby every morning.

Surround Yourself with Support
From the beginning of my pregnancy, I started thinking of women in my life I wanted to influence me in my parenting. I have a solid group of women I can contact if I need emotional support or someone to keep me accountable for breastfeeding. I am honored and lucky to have been a nanny to a family in which the mother was such a positive influence and is still a wonderful support. One of my closest friends was an OB nurse and suffered through me constantly texting and calling with a gazillion questions about the health of my child, but she never left me hanging. My own mother is my rock and created for me a wonderful influence from the beginning of my life. As a devoted and adoring mother, I know the kind of pure love I can give and I will always call upon my mom in hard times.

Stay Busy
I mean, you know yourself and what you will benefit from, but I find that if I don't sit on my couch all day and make it a point to get out with Daxton, I feel so much more successful and productive. When I'm on the go, I'm not thinking about my anxiety or depression. Every time someone coos or sees at Dax, it reminds me how joyful it is to be a mom. Every time someone asks how he's doing, I jump at the chance to brag how he is sitting up, sleeping through the night, and growing so strong! Daxton loves going out and exploring with me. It's so wonderful to create these memories together.

Be Lazy
I know I just said to stay busy, but balance your life! Every morning, D and I spend about an hour cuddling in bed. He practices sitting, he will lay in the nook of my arm, we hold hands, we play and laugh. It gets me excited to wake up in the morning! If you know me at all, you know that I am the furthest possible opposite of a morning person. The Lord doesn't bless me until about 9:00 AM. But allowing myself time to devote to doing nothing but spending lazy time with my son is such a blessing (#blessed). Many more moments to treasure!

Binge Watch/Read
Sometimes, you can't quell the beast. Know when to check out. I HATE checking out, but when I nurse, I will binge a show (currently Friends!) and allow myself some time to relax and not think about anything difficult. If I'm nursing at night, I'll read on my phone (The Chemist is SO good!) so that I can stay relaxed in the dark and focus my mind on one thing so it doesn't go wandering. Also, if anyone deals with difficulty falling asleep because of a wandering mind, I listen to movie scores and classical music so that I can focus on the instruments and let my mind drift to the music. It works!

Sleep!
I know we've all heard it a million times, but sleep when baby sleeps. I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself. Since Dax doesn't sleep too much, I don't get too much done. When he does sleep, I think of all the things I want to do, but if I don't get enough sleep, my forces wear down and the anxiety can become too overwhelming to keep in. Anxiety needs sleep!

Let Go
Sometimes, you can't help it. Literally just this night, I had a small incident. Long story short, I slammed the bathroom door in my husband's face and he was holding my son. I felt like a monster. I fell to the bathroom floor and wailed. I couldn't show my face to my son. I felt like he would hate me. It didn't help that he was crying. I knew I had been too strong for too long and I just let it out. I went out and held Dax and apologized and put him to sleep. I discussed with my husband that I'm not the type of person who needs to be calmed during those times. I'm capable of calming myself, and I'm aware of how crazy I'm being. If I'm given my space, I can get over it and move on.

It's so incredibly important to figure out what works for you and your family. Whether you're a mom or a dad, discuss with your partner what your needs are and how you can help each other. So often, we think we know our partners needs, but it's okay if we don't. We just need to remember that our partners are there to help us out. Communicate and you're golden!

-T