On Bringing Up Bebe

Lately, I haven't been posting much to my blog, and that saddens me. When I began this blog page, I wrote that I would post whenever inspiration hit and unfortunately, that hasn't happened much. I apologize for the sloppy posts the past few months, but I have found inspiration in a coffee shop--like all legendary writers--and I will try my best to exhume my name like a phoenix from the ashes.

During my pregnancy, I did not read "What To Expect When You're Expecting". I did not get a subscription to Parents magazine, nor did I spend an excessive amount of time looking up pregnancy issues and complications. I did not make this a research assignment to become the best mom I could be. Honestly, I was very confident in my abilities from the beginning. I have worked with children all my life and I always knew I was meant to be a mother. I have had plenty of practice with children of all ages and stages, and most recently, my position as a nanny has prepared me for everything! I was given a devotional from a friend and that was the only publication I cracked open to prepare me for motherhood; the only one until I heard about the memoir by Pamela Druckerman "Bringing Up Bebe".

The book "Bringing Up Bebe" is the account of an American mother, Druckerman, who moved from New York with her British husband to Paris. She saw a vast difference in the behaviors of American and French parents and children and began a journey to delve deeper into the varied characteristics of each party. While the writing style is an easy read, you can tell the author put work into her studies. She has a large pool of people who were interviewed, a series of notes at the end of the book dictating where much of her statistical information came from, and the period of time that is covered is quite a few years. There has been a decent amount of controversy behind this book, but that is nothing new. In college, I wrote a paper on the lack of French children that have ADD/ADHD versus the massive amount of American children who are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. While completing my research, I was thrown into the black hole of cultural parenting styles. I was very intrigued and decided I was very much NOT the typical "American parent". When I heard about this book, you better believe my interest was piqued and I went straight to Barnes and Noble to make my first parenting book purchase.

Now, y'all know by now I have anxiety. This leads me to do silly things like obsess over reviews of books, movies, baby items, foods, technology, and whatnot (literally, what not). You can bet that even though I bought the book, I still looked up reviews and articles and blog posts pertaining to this book. I came across such varying opinions, and so strongly worded. Many American parents were offended, and many French parents quickly spoke up that Druckerman's portrayal of French parenting was inaccurate. You could not imagine my excitement to read this book the more I read these reviews.

Three months later and I am now 75% done with the book (definitely the most time I have EVER spent reading a book); I definitely appreciate this text. I feel that Druckerman does a fair job of pointing out that what she sees is not true of all families of all cultures, rather in her experience, the consensus is what she writes. I also feel that Druckerman hits on a lot of American parenting issues, which as an American, I agree with. Again, I have a ton of childcare experience and I have seen basically every type of parent. I have been in situations that seem only possible in a comedy film, and I have been in situations that make me truly weep for a child. I have also been in situations where I am astounded by a parent's skill and beg me to teach me their ways. I feel that I have built up enough research to be able to respond to Druckerman's experiences. This is what I have been inspired to do. There are a lot of issues Druckerman brings up from either culture (realize she mainly focuses on French and American parenting because that is where her experiences come from) that I would like to respond to. My poor husband is so tired of me consistently jumping on my soapbox and preaching my points of view in response to Druckerman. I pray that I can use this platform as an arena to share my opinions and perhaps begin a healthy, kind, dialogue about parenting styles. Or maybe I won't and I will move on from this book and find something else to be inspired by! Stay tuned...

-T

On Anxiety and Emotional Maturity

ANXIETY DOES NOT LIKE TO BE WRITTEN DOWN!

A celebratory post because I have officially been clinically diagnosed with anxiety (GAD). This is a big deal because I had been self-diagnosed until this point and it was important to me to justify my worries with a doctor's word. Even though I'm pregnant, that anxiety is different than the hormonal bouts of emotions I experience, and I am AWARE of the difference.

My therapist commends me for my emotional maturity and awareness. She often tells me what would normally be a revelation, and then finishes her thought with "...but I'm sure you figured that out already." What that means is that I know what causes my anxiety attacks and how to take preventative measures to ensure that I have less worries and more joy, but I still can't stop the emotional overload I face daily. If you've ever experienced an earthquake, you know what this feels like; knowing what is going on, but being completely powerless to stop it. Some "earthquakes" are stronger than others and no matter how hard you will it to be over, it isn't up to you. Maybe that sounds really scary, like for some dads in the birthing room knowing your wife is in immense pain and there is nothing you can do. Or perhaps you find the knowledge that there is nothing you can do to change the circumstances is calming and you just have to wait it out. In my personal experience, it's both calming and frustrating.

There was an instance a few weeks ago when my poor husband and I laid in bed in the morning while I had a minor panic attack. We were supposed to go to an 8 hour birthing class with 16 other couples thirty minutes away for $60, but I truly didn't see how I would actually be able to go. I am AWARE that I had not been getting much sleep in the days leading up this class, which leads me to have higher emotional and anxiety levels. I also was AWARE that being pregnant causes higher hormone levels--aka more worries and stresses aka higher anxiety. I was AWARE that my social anxiety would be WAY turned up due to the 16 other chipper pregnant women wanting to discuss cloth diapers vs disposable and what our son's name is and what type of crib we had decided on (which at that point wasn't even assembled). On top of these three emotional enhancements, my MIL was visiting, I didn't know when we would be eating that day, and it was my day off, which I truly cherish! The last point to make me not want to go was that in today's technologically advanced world, I could easily look up whatever information I need online; I was AWARE that taking a class could lead me to be more anxious when I was actually delivering, trying to remember the specific breathing exercise I learned and how to feel when to push and feeling overwhelmed trying to remember everything I learned.* I knew I didn't need it, but I still felt that since we had made the commitment, we needed to follow through. I also felt that maybe I was setting myself up to be the flaky mom who didn't care enough about her child's well being. I laid in bed crying because I knew I shouldn't go, but I also knew I would be judged if I didn't, by society and by myself. With the hubs gone every weekend, we wouldn't have another chance to take this class; it was now or never. Hubs was very understanding and after listening to all my reasons for going or not going and reading the class description, he said, "I think what is best for us right now is that we don't go." At that point, I realized I had been completely incapable of making the decision myself and I would have had a full out panic attack just contemplating whether I should go or not. What a freaking nightmare!

I was fully aware that I was having a minor attack while it was happening, but I couldn't talk myself out of it. I felt my mind racing with my thoughts and emotions. I told myself that I was being irrational and overreacting, but I couldn't stop it. I felt the storm inside of me, but it was completely beyond my control. The worst part about being emotionally aware and having anxiety is the guilt that comes after an irrational reaction or an attack. I felt terrible for dragging my husband through my emotional mud puddle. I felt so guilty for not being able to control myself and almost submitting myself to an anxiety attack that definitely would have not been good for my growing baby. I felt guilty explaining our choice to our friends and fmamily, though I know I shouldn't. Amidst feeling all this guilt, it was further felt by simply knowing I shouldn't be feeling that way.

(continued 2 weeks later because I'm too busy for my own good)
Decision making is rough y'all! After speaking to my therapist, I realized that my anxiety doesn't allow me to find a middle ground. Though I see it and encourage it in the lives of others, adopting and implementing it into my own doesn't work out. When I was young, I heavily weighed every decision I made, whether the decision merited such contemplation or not. I now find myself doing this in deciphering which career path would make me the happiest. It is for this reason I was incapable of making a decision in the aforementioned scenario.

So I guess my purpose, other than venting, for writing this post is that I think it is so important for the who have anxiety to acknowledge that they sometimes are incapable of making a decision so that they can find someone to help them when they need it. For me, my husband and my mother are typically the people I call upon when I need help making a decision. They will either tell me I am overthink a situation or give me advice that may help guide me to a final answer. Also, those of you who have a person in your life who has anxiety, know that they don't TRY to make life more difficult when they can't make a decision. Every decision they make takes so much energy, time, and effort, that at a certain point, it is someone else's turn to stand up and take the reins. Good luck to all you decision makers!

-T

On the Nanny Life

Being a mom can be such a rewarding, yet trying, part of life. There is so much to consider, appointments to attend, paydays to receive, practices to get to on time, nap times, homework, and meal prep. I am not a mom, but I still live this life as a nanny for four. This is an equally trying and rewarding experience, complete with the silver lining of being able to go home and get my alone time every night. My time as a nanny has completely prepared me for motherhood, and I have been told I should recount my experiences on my blog.

My four kids, two big kids and two toddlers (when did they grow up!), are all super sweet and loving, but still navigating life and testing their limits everyday. 9GoingOn19 is responsible and helpful, but definitely needs to get her priorities in check! ConstantlyActive is 8 and he is CONSTANTLY ACTIVE, which is great, and also...not. SweetAndSassy is 2-almost 3-and definitely testing her limits, but always minds her manners. BlueEyedBeaut is 2 in a few days, and constantly trying to keep up with her older siblings, meaning she has developed quickly, but also pushes her limits as much as her siblings. I love each and every one of these kids, and each day they teach me while I (hopefully) teach them. I have learned patience on a level I never knew existed, how to manage picky eaters, the best way to plan ahead, and that things don't always go according to Plan A, B, C, or K. No matter how miserable you feel the day is, the sweet smiles that cross the faces of these kids make everything worth it. 

So no, I'm not a mom--yet. But I have dealt with cribs full of exploded dirty diapers, doors slammed in my face, ER trips, crazy days carting kids to and from school, cheer, baseball, playdates, and whatever else life throws out that day. To say I am prepared for motherhood would be an understatement. To say I must really know what I am doing would be a terrible exaggeration. I am learning as I live each day and really trying to fit in with the daily rhythm changes these kids experience. We have all gone through a lot together, and I have taught them life lessons just as much as I have learned a few of my own. 

Lessons I have taught:

Make choices that reflect the kind of person you want to be.

No one else is responsible for the choices you make.

Friends come and go, but your family will always be there for you.

Trust isn't given easily, rather it is earned.

Bullies need help.

Rightfully prioritizing your life leads to happy days.

Responsibilities first, play later.

Lessons I have learned:

Plans change. Figure it out.

There is no perfect family.

Eating healthy is great; junk is okay too, in moderation.

Life gets complicated.

Your level of patience depends on the day of the week, how much coffee you have inhaled, and how many kids are in your house.

The house will get messy. It is okay.

Today was definitely one of the more trying days I've had, but I am living to tell the tale. No matter how tough life may seem, others have it worse. Ultimately, nothing can replace the joy I feel when I watch these kids accomplish something or create something great. I am blessed by the job I have and I cannot wait to tell my tales.

-T

On Winning An Argument

I wrote this guide after hearing an argument not go very well once. I was inspired to help, and I hope this is good for some of you. I know a lot of people who could benefit from a new take on arguing. 

Guide to Arguing Efficiently & Effectively

1.     Don’t Raise Your Voice

a.     Even if your counterpart raises their voice or somehow provokes you to do so, your calm demeanor will set the tone for the entire argument

b.     TONE IS EVERYTHING!

2.     Ask How the Other Person Would Solve the Problem

a.     Many times, this is a great way to bring an irrational person back to sanity

b.     If your counterpart says they would handle the situation in a way you know they wouldn’t, don’t accuse them of lying or tell them “No you wouldn’t!” Instead, ask them more questions. This is how you get a person who cannot easily empathize to do so.

3.     It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It

a.     I said it once, I’ll say it again, TONE IS EVERYTHING! My parents always told me, “It’s not what you said, but how you said it.”

b.     Check your tone before starting. Know how the conversation could progress and warn yourself somehow to watch it throughout.

4.     Try Being Empathetic

a.     It isn’t easy. I know. There is NO WAY any one person can 100% relate to another. Everyone is different so everyone handles their situation differently. But still try. Take into account everything you know about the person and let that be the factor into the advice or reaction you give.

b.     Don’t tell someone, “Well when I went through this…” and expect them to be grateful or receptive. When someone says that to me, my thought is “Great, well when you dealt with this, your circumstances were different.” Instead, try “Well I don’t know if this will help you but maybe you could do this…” I promise you will get a much better reaction.

5.     Don’t Point Out the Other Person’s Flaws to Justify Your Own

a.     The number one thing that I cannot stand is when one person states a point that may be/seem like a flaw in a person, and is a valid point in their argument, and the other person returns with an attack of character. It does not help the argument and sets everything back. There is no productivity in defensively pointing out someone’s flaws so don’t do it.

b.     When it is necessary to point out someone’s flaws (and it is), do it in a way that shows you understand the reasoning behind it. Say a person seems invasive in your life, understand that they may be that way to try and stay relevant. Let this person know that you understand their concerns for feeling left out, but maybe stepping back would do more good and allow you room to reach out yourself. In no way did you tell a person anything to tear down their character, but rather you attempted to improve it.

6.     Being Defensive Makes You Sound Guilty

a.     Think about it; someone who is guilty automatically feels a need to say “No! I didn’t do anything wrong!” But in doing so, it seems as if you might have. If someone does attack your character, return it with an “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It may seem arrogant, but you are remaining confident in yourself and your argument.

b.     My poor husband is such a great guy. He is almost incapable of doing any wrong. But when someone accuses him, you’d better watch out! He will defend his character like his life depends on it. Automatically, it adds fuel to the fire and a person will wonder what made him get so hyped to cover it up. No Bueno.

7.     Feelings Cannot Be Wrong

a.     You all know by now that I am very emotional and I have anxiety. I cannot express how upset I get when someone says that I am wrong for feeling a certain way. Did you know that you actually can’t NOT feel, Elsa! Don’t feel guilty for your feelings. It’s okay that you feel a certain way, just figure out why and what you can do about it!

b.     SHARE YOUR FEELINGS! Don’t hide your feelings under accusations and verbal jibes. It only agitates your counterpart and propels the argument or conversation backward. While it may SEEM weak, it is really the opposite.

8.     Facts Help an Argument

a.     I cannot begin to tell you how powerful it is to add facts to an argument. Let’s face it, arguments are usually purely based on feelings (unless you’re arguing about a fact that you can’t remember right, just look it up and close the argument). One person feels that they don’t get enough attention, and the other feels they give plenty of attention. State the facts.

b.     I said help, I didn’t say win. Don’t to a whole list of facts, drop the mic, and walk off. Like I said, an argument is based on facts. Give your counterpart a chance to argue their case of facts and feelings. If you quickly try to prove the other person wrong with facts and then close it, you will seem insecure and nervous about losing.

9.     Be Prepared to Protect Your POV

a.     If you know a big storm is coming, protect yourself. You know that if your husband has asked you to do something, and you didn’t get it done, there is the potential of an argument. Start thinking about what you're going to say.

b.     Be prepared to be wrong! If my husband asked me to do something and I didn’t get it done, I would own up to it. If I didn’t have a good reason, I would apologize and ask if he would still let me help him. I am always prepared to accept that I can be wrong. I'm not perfect and that’s okay.

10.  “Again” is a Terrible Word Choice

a.     If you have to repeat yourself, don’t make it obvious! That’s rude and uncalled for. Just do it! Your counterpart either didn’t hear you the first time and will now react, or will know you are repeating yourself for the sake of the argument and note it.

b.     If someone calls you out for repeating something, let them know you know but you weren’t sure they did. A little sassy, sure; they didn’t need to call you out.

11.   Check Yourselves Before You Wreck Yourselves

a.     If things start to get a little heated, take a break.

b.     Rationalize with yourself and think if you are truly helping yourself, or if maybe you need to regroup and reorganize your information. Coming back from a break means both parties come back with a clear head and a fresh start.

12.  Be Firm & Flexible

a.     Similar to protect your POV, if you are sure on your standpoint, be firm and hold to it. Don’t give in for the sake of ending the argument or maintaining a relationship. Know what you want and get it.

b.     But don’t let your pride get in the way. Pride is fuel for the argument. Pride will drive you to maintain your position, when you know you are wrong. Be flexible in that you are able to concede when it is time to do so. Know when you’ve been proven wrong and acknowledge it.

13.  Don’t Accuse or Point Fingers

a.     You are in an argument because somehow you are a part of it (if you're not a part of it then see yourself out). It isn’t someone else’s fault that you are arguing or something happened. There is (usually) always a way you could have aided in the prevention of anything. If you're upset with your spouse because he forgot to pick up milk on the way home, you could have reminded him. “Well when I remind him, he always has to point out that he remembers and I don’t have to nag.” If that was really the case, he wouldn’t have said anything. When someone reminds me of something I know I forgot, I may take that position, but only because I'm too prideful to admit I truly needed that reminder. Admit your flaws and own them.

b.     It isn’t your job to admit to someone else’s flaws. You are no one to judge someone else. Everyone is aware of their flaws, but they may choose to disown them. It isn’t your job to make them bring their flaws out of hiding. If it is a flaw of theirs the argument is over, see point 5b.

14.  You Catch More Bees with Honey

a.     My mother always reminded me of this growing up and it has really shaped me into the person I am today. I find that so much more gets done when you show kindness and mercy.

b.     I understand that is very hard to maintain a level of class and kindness when a person is begging for your wrath. I am a half Mexican girl from Los Angeles. I have seen the wrath of people and I have my own, and it is not pretty, but curb it and use it when you need it.

15.  DO NOT Tell Someone They Are Irrational

a.     Oooooooeee. This is a doozy. I have been told a few times I am irrational. My palm begins to twitch and I have to remind myself that they don’t realize they basically asked to be slapped. But who do you think you are to tell me that I am overreacting? You have no idea what a person has been through to get them to the point they are at when you encounter them. Sometimes, what you think is an overreaction is actually an under reaction, or a person searching to maintain control of their feelings.

b.     Instead, note what is was you said or did that really set them off, and continue. Later when there is a good moment for it, ask why it affected them in such a way. Not only are you being understanding, but you aren’t getting in a tangent argument about your counterpart being irrational.

c.     If someone calls you irrational, think about it; maybe you are, maybe you're not. Decide if its worth it to defend yourself at that moment, save it for later, or ignore it all together.

16.  Force an Angle into a Circular Argument

a.     Didn’t you just have this conversation? Why are you having the same argument over and over? Because feelings haven’t changed, only developed deeper. Think of a new angle or a way to gain perspective on either side that would knock you out of that circle.

b.     If you feel that you are traveling that straight path and your counterpart is the one going in a circle, think about what you can do to bring them up to speed with you. They must keep missing your exit. Stay patient and help them to see your POV from different angles!

17.  Call It Quits While You’re Ahead

a.     If you feel like you just argued your brains out and you are your counterpart are in a good place, leave it! Note you're worn out and you would like to end the conversation. Schedule a time to talk again, and leave.

b.     If there has been no resolution to an argument and you don’t see one coming for a while, but you and your counterpart are both in a positive mood, leave. Don’t beat a dead horse.

18.  Ask Nicely

a.     I shouldn’t have to explain this. If you are considering sarcasm when asking something, probably not a good idea. I am the queen of sass and sarcasm in my circle of friends and acquaintances, but it isn’t helpful in an argument. Neither is jealousy, anger, spite, or plain negativity.

b.     See point 14

19.  You Are Not the Center of the Argument

a.     Remember, there is always two sides. Even if someone is calling you out for something you did, they are also thinking of the way it affected them.

b.     If your counterpart is not letting you get a word in edgewise, let them know when they are done you have something to say. After, you may receive a snarky remark or an eye roll—their pride is saying they know they're being long winded and they are mad they got called out.

20.  State Clear Expectations

a.     This is pretty important. If you don’t know what you want out of an argument, there is no point in having it. With expectations, you are able to move forward with a clear mind and a strong sense of direction.

b.     Expectations show your counterpart that you are prepared and confident.

21.  Don’t Make Promises

a.     Promises made in the context of an argument may seem forced or fradulent.

b.     You may actually not mean to even make a promise, but you feel it would pacify your counterpart. Just don’t do it.

22.  Be Careful Giving Out Apologies

a.     Don’t apologize for the sake of apologizing or because you feel that is what you are supposed to do. Apologize if you mean it.

b.     However, you can mean an apology even if you’ve done nothing wrong. “Apologizing doesn’t always mean that you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”-Unknown

23.  Watch Your Body Language

a.     Body language sometimes speaks louder than words. If someone calls you out on your body language, dissect it and figure out if you meant it or not. Don’t get mad at someone for calling you out on something you did.

b.     Even if you're having a phone conversation, a person may still be able to pick up on your body language because it could seep into your tone.

24.  Passive Aggressive Leads to Nothing Productive

a.     Being passive aggressive may lead you into that circle I mentioned earlier.

b.     You may not even realize you're doing it to yourself. Just be direct, firm, honest, and kind, and you will be okay.

25.  Talk Less, Smile More

a.     Shameless Hamilton reference. But Aaron Burr has a point. Sometimes it is better to limit your tongue and show off those pearly whites. Just because you have something to say doesn’t mean you HAVE to say it. If you are leading a war and building a country, maybe you don’t want to hold back, great! But maybe in a small argument, you can exert some self control.

b.     But really, control yourself. The more you talk, the more damage you can do. Think about what you're going to say before you say it, and think about the most effective, shortest way you can say it. Just because you're talking more, doesn’t mean you're saying more.

26.  Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

a.     This is a rule I truly live by. I absolutely hate when I see wives manipulate their spouses by saying something and meaning something else. What is the purpose? Seriously ladies (it tends to be ladies who do this more than men), just be real.

b.     Be intentional. I’ve been in the situation before when I've argued with someone who I saw as much wiser and confident than I; I was constantly feeling that I was inferior and I needed to really be sure of any stance I took before starting an argument or he would start to call me out and I wouldn’t be able to protect my POV. But it made me intentional with every word I said. I always say what I mean and mean what I say.

27.  Second-Guess Yourself

a.     Sometimes, you're wrong. Own it, be a good loser. Set a standard fro your spouse, children, friends, family, social media followers, or your general entourage to follow. Make yourself someone who is a pleasant person to argue with.

b.     Recognize that you aren’t all-knowing. Listen with an open mind and accept the points someone else presents.

28.  Set Boundaries

a.     My therapist has told me that in phone conversations, the best way to set boundaries is to hang up when you feel your counterpart is overstepping a boundary you want to set. If you feel someone says or does something out of place, or if you sense that they aren’t in a frame of mind for a conversation conducive of a positive reaction, end the conversation if you can’t call them out effectively and positively.

b.     This is your way of protecting yourself. You don’t deserve ridicule, snarky remarks, condescending tones, or pure angst from anyone. Protect your mental and emotional health and draw boundaries.