On Making Friends In Your Twenties

So I'm sure this is an over-discussed topic. And there have been so many points of view already. But everyone is so different and has had different experiences, so what's another post on this topic?

Quick background on my friendships: Growing up, I had a constant revolving door of "best friends". My first bestie from Kinder and I got in an "argument" in third grade on the playground and that forever changed our dynamic. My 4th grade bestie moved after 6th. In middle school, I got closer with a friend who I wasn't that close to, and she is still one of my best friends, even though she's in Australia! High school I found friends I thought I would have forever. One in particular was a grade older than me, but we did everything together. We always wrote notes, drew each other pictures, walked each other to class. We said we were going to grow old together and be "aunts" to each other's kids and be each wedding. But come my senior year, I had made new friends since she was no longer on campus, and that created a lot of "high school drama". I really hate that we aren't friends anymore, but I have learned to deal. Unfortunately, very few friends ever stuck. I really can say I have two friends from school that I still actually want to talk to. College was different. I went to a Christian university, so most of the people I met were genuine. I made quite a few friends who I am still in contact with and I was so happy to have finally made lasting connections. Moving away was heartbreaking, since most of these friendships were still young and I didn't want to lose them. In NC, I had SUCH a hard time making friends, and still do. But I have definitely found people I want a friendship with. NOTE: I do have a best friend. He is my husband. I am so happy I married my best friend.

A few weeks back, I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. I had taken it in college, but I wanted to see if I had changed. I hadn't. I am the Advocate personality, INFJ. Reading about how that applies to friendships, I was blown away! The website explained that I long for authenticity, a rarity in today's world. Also, Advocates are private people, but wide open when they finally feel like they can trust someone. "Advocates seek out people who share their passions, interests and ideologies..."-16personalities.com. Honestly reading the whole thing, I kept exclaiming in excitement that it was so me and so true! I can;t cover all of it because there was a lot of information, but it really made me aware of my value as a friend (excuse the egotism). As I read, I kept thinking, "Why don't I have more friends, then?" and that thought saddened me. I think I may come on strong, but I do that because I am fearful of losing a potential friendship. Or I may be completely hands-off, because I am fearful to lose a potential friendship. Neither is healthy, but i would hope that someone who seeks a relationship with me notices this and can look past it.

So when I moved, I left everything I knew behind and had to start over. I was 22, just married, and home alone a lot! I couldn't go out on the town with young, single friends. I couldn't find married friends because Stephen was gone a lot. And I had no where to make friends. I was so desperate I tried an app that located other people nearby who were also looking for friends. I tried to make friends wherever I could. I began to babysit for a family, and their family welcomed me. That helped open the gateway to new friends. I began to attend church with them and found a welcoming community with other twenty something just married people. I feel like I have found people I can grow a friendship with, but what is the next step?

Step 1: Identify your "tribe". Who are the types of people you are seeking to attract. I wanted young people who were settling down in life. Figure out who you're looking for.

Step 2: Locate your "tribe". Where would these types of people hang out? If you're looking for friends to party with, you might go to a bar late at night with a friend or to looking for more friends. If you're like me, church is probably the best place (I actually think church is always the best place to find friends, but to each her own).

Step 3: Find common ground. Obviously you don't need to be "twinsies" from the beginning, but you do need to find a commonality. Music, ethnicity, location are all broad ideas.

Step 4: Exchange information: I know this may seem obvious, but I forget. Hubby and I actually went to dinner last week with married friends and I forgot to ask her number. I asked on IG, but I don't think she saw because she didn't give it to me...

Step 5: Don't overthink it! I am such a worrier. A quiet worrier, but a worrier nonetheless. I get deep in my mind and think worst case scenario without fail every single time! In the above situation, I thought, 'Wow I must have come on so strong. She doesn't want to give me her number. I'm such a weirdo. I'll never make a good friend.' But there's a big chance that's not true. Just be you and if someone doesn't like that, you need to be okay with that because authenticity is key in a solid friendship.

Step 6: Maintenance. I am literally the most low maintenance friend there is. I don't need to talk to you fro ages and we can have one conversation and I'm like, "Man, this girl is my super bestie and we are the best bestie I could ever imagine!". But that isn't always the case. And to actually have a healthy, productive, solid friendship, much more maintenance is required. I have so many relationships I want to make solid friendships, but I know I am not pouring in the energy I should be. I know it's tedious, but if you don't put in energy, you can't expect your potential bestie to put any in either.

Step 7: Communicate. In any relationship, communication is key. I don't just mean talking, which I do a lot of unfortunately (anyone else find their mouth going on and on about themselves and their brain is yelling at them to shut up!?!). I'm saying have honest, open communication. Listen when you're not speaking and speak with intentionality. Man, I sound so much better when I write out what I want to say than when I'm face to face. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses and use them. I always prefer to text than call because I have more time to think of my response.

Step 8: Prayer. Ask God to send people into your life who will add joy and peace to your life, not chaos and destruction. We all know that toxic people shouldn't be in our lives, so be adamant about not allowing them in in the first place. I've had to get rid of some toxic people, and it definitely isn't easy, but praying about it is the encouragement I need to remind myself to seek joy in His kingdom, including friends who share the same beliefs. If you need verses or prayer guidance when it comes to seeking friendships, let me know. I don't want to overwhelm this post anymore than it already is.

Currently, I'm finding a lot of mama relationships on IG. But most of them are comments here and there. I see so many moms making great friendships and again, I wonder why I can't seem to get a phone number. I try everyday to follow these steps. Life constantly gets in the way, and sometimes the work I've put into a relationship moves backward like, a million steps. But I know if I stay at it and pray, God will provide. I need to pray like my prayer is already answered (I forgot which verse that is and I am way too exhausted to look it up...someone please tell me!)

Good luck, friends! -T