On Finding Yourself When No One Is Looking

I recently started a journey of upheaval and chaos in my life. I am now on a search for happiness in which I am hoping to find and define myself. In the past three months, I have quit my job and decided to change everything about the direction my life was headed. The issue that caused me to step back and reexamine my life was that I was simply not happy. So now, I need to figure out what it is that would make me happy and I need to define my own happiness. In order to do that, I need to find myself. But how on earth and I supposed to find myself if I am the only one looking?

I lose things. Ask each and every friend I have and they will all recall how at least twice a day I say, "Where is my chapstick? I swear, I just had it. I put it down right here and now it is gone!" I know many of you are laughing because you know it is so true. It happens with all my things: my phone, my glasses, my chargers, hair ties, clothes. In all those instances, I can always call on someone for help. Now I have lost myself, and no one can help me find me. There is no "Find My iPhone" and I can't just check in my purse or under my pillow. I know that in order to find myself, I am going to have to search deep within my soul, and that is a scary place. Perhaps the reason I have put this off for so long is because I am scared of what I will find. In fact, I am positive that is the reason. Redefining myself isn't just about revamping my closet, sticking to one genre of music, or finally having favorites; redefining myself means looking at my soul straight on and asking myself what is important to me and what truly makes me feel happy, appreciated, important, and needed. What I find my answers to be may not fit in my life as it is. So I ask myself which is more important: comfort and security, or dream fulfillment and true happiness. No matter if I use my pathos or my logos, the answer is pretty clear. I know there are people out there, even within my family, who would rather feel safe and secure than risk everything they know for a dream. So maybe I have already begun to find myself, because I know the path I will pursue is that of dreams, happiness, and a serious issue of wanderlust.

Looking back through my life, I don't know that I ever knew who I was. I constantly adapted to my surroundings in an effort to fit in. I became so many different people, that I never even thought that I wasn't me. This is not going to be easy, and it isn't going to always be happy, but it is an adventure, and I know the end result will be me having no regrets for things I wish I had done. I am going to take risks (skydiving, anyone?) and I am going to have to take some leaps of faith. I am going to raise hell and create a certain kind of chaos. I am going to break social norms and I am certain I will do whatever it takes to make me...me. Because I am on my own on this one, and I don't do anything the easy way.

Adventures are waiting for me, and I am just as eager for them.

Au revoir.
-T