On Finding Yourself When No One Is Looking

I recently started a journey of upheaval and chaos in my life. I am now on a search for happiness in which I am hoping to find and define myself. In the past three months, I have quit my job and decided to change everything about the direction my life was headed. The issue that caused me to step back and reexamine my life was that I was simply not happy. So now, I need to figure out what it is that would make me happy and I need to define my own happiness. In order to do that, I need to find myself. But how on earth and I supposed to find myself if I am the only one looking?

I lose things. Ask each and every friend I have and they will all recall how at least twice a day I say, "Where is my chapstick? I swear, I just had it. I put it down right here and now it is gone!" I know many of you are laughing because you know it is so true. It happens with all my things: my phone, my glasses, my chargers, hair ties, clothes. In all those instances, I can always call on someone for help. Now I have lost myself, and no one can help me find me. There is no "Find My iPhone" and I can't just check in my purse or under my pillow. I know that in order to find myself, I am going to have to search deep within my soul, and that is a scary place. Perhaps the reason I have put this off for so long is because I am scared of what I will find. In fact, I am positive that is the reason. Redefining myself isn't just about revamping my closet, sticking to one genre of music, or finally having favorites; redefining myself means looking at my soul straight on and asking myself what is important to me and what truly makes me feel happy, appreciated, important, and needed. What I find my answers to be may not fit in my life as it is. So I ask myself which is more important: comfort and security, or dream fulfillment and true happiness. No matter if I use my pathos or my logos, the answer is pretty clear. I know there are people out there, even within my family, who would rather feel safe and secure than risk everything they know for a dream. So maybe I have already begun to find myself, because I know the path I will pursue is that of dreams, happiness, and a serious issue of wanderlust.

Looking back through my life, I don't know that I ever knew who I was. I constantly adapted to my surroundings in an effort to fit in. I became so many different people, that I never even thought that I wasn't me. This is not going to be easy, and it isn't going to always be happy, but it is an adventure, and I know the end result will be me having no regrets for things I wish I had done. I am going to take risks (skydiving, anyone?) and I am going to have to take some leaps of faith. I am going to raise hell and create a certain kind of chaos. I am going to break social norms and I am certain I will do whatever it takes to make me...me. Because I am on my own on this one, and I don't do anything the easy way.

Adventures are waiting for me, and I am just as eager for them.

Au revoir.
-T

On Controlling Your Emotions

From a very young age, it was obvious to my parents that I was a very emotional child. I have anxiety, which I dealt with throughout my childhood, and I would feel for everything. It wasn't just that I cried a lot (though if you ask my sister, she will definitely say I was a crybaby), but that I cried for so many things. My mom is the similar; we both have a lot of feelings and we both feel deeply, often personally, even if it isn't logical. My dad is the opposite. He doesn't have a lot of feelings...or so I thought...

Somehow, by the grace of God, my dad learned to control his emotions. He definitely has them, and he definitely feels them, but he controls them. I am sure it has to do with his childhood, being the oldest son of two with a single mom. No matter, he is a straight up G. He taught me everything I know about controlling my emotions. He made me aware that I was emotional. He questioned me when I got emotional, so that my logos could fight through for balance. He would assign me Bible verses to study at a young age that had to do with self control (you know the one...fruits of the spirit...love, joy, peace...), controlling your anger, and wearing the armor of God. The best thing he ever did for me was teach me to think before I act. I heard that at least three times a week, if not once a day. He was always like, "What do I always say? Think..." My impatient seven-year-old self would retort, "I know, I know. Think before I act." I would follow that with an eye roll, to which he would say I probably didn't think that one through. He was right.

I learned and practiced how to feel something, and then logically think through what my next move would be. All my life, I have been practicing a careful balance of pathos and logos. Little did I know how much all the annoying phrases and verses would affect me as an adult. Here I am now, contemplating some very serious life-changing decisions, trying to figure out what is best for me. Were I to act purely on pathos, I would end up wondering why I made decisions without thinking. If I make a decision based on logos, then I will surely regret following my instincts, even if they didn't make sense at the time. 

Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have a superhero for a dad, or such a great role model for a mom, so they have to learn things the hard way. People make mistakes, and people have regrets. There is absolutely no reason to cry over your mistakes or question your choices. Absolutely everything that happens in life is a lesson. All experiences in a persons life shapes who they become.

So go out in the world! Live life. Make decisions based on your guts, the heart ones and the brain ones! Always learn from your experiences. But don't sit back and wonder. Dreams are so wonderful when you can pair them with action, otherwise they become nightmares. Go fly to the moon or sing on Broadway, but please be logical about it too. Like if you really can't sing, then don't sing on Broadway. Please.

Au revoir!

-T