On Super Powers

I must think I have super powers; I spent today running around trying to get what felt like a million things done! We had moms group at the park, a Target trip (duh), a chiropractor appointment, a stop by the post office, and a grocery trip (mama scored on those organic deals!). After all this, we still went on a nice walk. I am so exhausted! Why do I push myself so hard like this? I really need to stop because it all hit me pretty hard today.

I had another anxiety spout. This one was similar to one I had about a week ago. It hit me out of nowhere: first I felt exhaustion, then I felt like my muscles over-relaxed, then I felt jittery and my hands were shaking. I lost my appetite and felt so tired like I could pass out anywhere. I feel like these are the after effects of a strong feeling of what Holly Golightly and I call "the reds". "The reds" are when you're afraid, but you don't know what you're afraid of. I felt like previously to this both of these anxiety episodes. Except today, I know what I was afraid of.

I love music and I love dancing. Today, D and I were listening to "From the Ground Up" by Dan + Shay. I was holding him, singing to him, and dancing around our living room with him. As I sang, I started to cry. I don't know how to watch my baby grow up. I just want to pause time and keep him in my arms forever. I hate that there is nothing I can do besides take pictures and videos to remember this moment. I feel like my anxiety makes my mind so clouded that I forget so many things! Of course I remember big things, but will I remember all the times he smiled at me, or when his eyes light up when I tell him good morning, or how he used to fall asleep on me all the time. Will I remember all the things that make him laugh? How on earth am I supposed to be happy that he is growing up if I want him to stay this age forever. As I'm typing this, he is getting older and I just want to hold him so tight as if that will make time stand still. I began to think of my childhood and how hard it must have been for my parents to watch my sister and I grow up. My parents did such a good job raising us and creating a loving home. I have such wonderful memories and I would love to tell anyone who asks about how lucky I am to have had a perfect childhood. I used to think that if I didn't have a special story or tragedy in my life that I wasn't important (thanks to shows like The Voice where EVERYONE has something to make them "different"). But I realize that I am so blessed to have grown up with both my parents and my sister in our little home. I want to give that to Daxton to and I am so scared that I will do something wrong (this is an anxiety thing and though it is nice, I do not need encouragement on this because I already know "every mom makes mistakes," and "don't be so hard on yourself," and "every family is different," etc. I am just thinking 'out loud'). I realized the immense pressure I have put on myself to try to make sure I am as good of a parent to Daxton as my parents were for me. I know she doesn't mean it this way, but when my mom says, "Well with you guys..." or "When I did __ this way...", I question and doubt myself. I have a high standard to meet and I want the best for my child. So naturally, this sent my mind into a craze imagining all that I want to give my child, and I think coming down from that caused my body to react physically. I have been dealing with the shaking hands for a while, and I realized that I really need to go back to my therapist. I made an appointment for two weeks out, so look forward to that!

Well, I am seriously emotionally exhausted from the day. D is bathed and asleep (how cute is he in this towel from Grandma and Grandpa which really brings out his eyes), so mama needs to get to sleep, too. Here's to a new day tomorrow!
-T

On Living With Anxiety

When I tell people I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), they usually assume that I get stressed easily and I don't know how to handle it.

Yes, I get stressed. I get stressed under any number of circumstances. Unfortunately, this extends to many aspects of my life. I have claustrophobia, social anxiety, trouble sleeping, extreme dizziness, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath on a daily basis. These symptoms are before and after a panic attack. During a panic attack, all these symptoms are elevated, with the addition of new ones. Now if I could cure it, handle it, or help it in anyway, I definitely would. This is not something I wish to experience. I promise I do not do it for attention, nor do I use it as a way to cope. There is no way to "cure" or "prevent" anxiety or anxiety attacks, and don't even try to argue me on this one--controlling or lessening attacks is possible, but not the same thing.

Fortunately, early on in life, I was very self aware of my symptoms. I was the kid who would get $5.00 from the tooth fairy and go to the grocery store with my mom and freak out over what to spend my money on. I couldn't decide if I wanted gum, which would last me a decent amount of time, a toy which would last 'forever', or chips, super delicious but wouldn't last long. When my parents would take me to get ice cream, I was always the last to order because I couldn't decide. I would consider all my options with a ridiculous weight. What if I tried a new flavor and think I like it, but it gets old quickly and I can't finish it? What if I try my sisters and realize I want hers instead? What if I stick with my regular Mint Chip and regret not trying something new? (This has by no means changed at all, but if pressured, I can easily make last minute decisions...don't give me too much time to consider my options is my advice!) I learned how to stay strong and smile through the pain. I believe I can control my anxiety, and I have not given up hope that I truly will one day.

I remember when I was in third grade, I went to the nurse's office with the worst headache my seven-year-old self had ever experienced. I was crying, holding my head, shaking, shivering, sweating. My mom picked me up and took me to the ER. I had just experienced my first panic attack. By that time, the doctor classified it as a migraine, which still was a lot for my little body (y'all, I was really tiny!) and from that point on, my doctor became my closest confidant, seeing me regularly to monitor my migraines and other symptoms. I didn't have another major panic attack until senior year of high school--my parents were great at helping me calm down when I started to get crazy. I was driving home, completely satisfied with my life, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I felt dizzy and couldn't see straight. Luckily, I snapped out of it quickly, and immediately made a doctor's appointment. I had two more that week. My doctor realized I have GAD. He told me to limit the stress in my life and stop spreading myself so thin. If you know me, you know that is impossible. I am a yes person through and through. If someone somewhere needs my help, I am there! I also have OCD, and these two things combined with my raging migraines makes my life a bit of a challenge. I am on medication for it and I am totally not ashamed. A huge thing many people with anxiety deal with is shame, which I have none of. I don't know how I got this way, but I am able to logically walk away from my panic attacks at times (see my blog about balancing logic and emotions http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2015/11/on-controlling-your-emotions.html). I definitely know my parents helped me get to a place where I am healthy enough to handle myself, but there are times that I just can't. I was just in New York, in the middle of Times Square, and I couldn't control myself when a panic attack hit. I am definitely an extroverted introvert (I can totally talk to people and speak up for myself, but I gain energy from being alone) and I had not been alone for almost a week. I was in the throes of hundreds of tourist families and creepy Elmos. It all became too much; I had been too strong for too long and I broke. It can happen anywhere, anytime! This makes my life one that is hard to share and I am a lot of work.

I call this post "living" with anxiety, not "suffering" or "dealing with" because suffering is not living and dealing with yourself is not necessarily a healthy way to go about living with your flaws or feeling good about yourself. I embrace my downfalls so that I can work with them and control them. Owning up to me flaws allows me to feel more self-confident when I am really down on myself. I have spent my whole life getting to this point. It is not impossible. Whatever your downfall, your flaw, your negative aspects, I promise you there is a line of people waiting to help you! I have been blessed with so many people in my life who have not only helped me, but inspired me and pushed me to better myself even more. The only people who have no hope are serial killers and pervs. Those are not downfalls to embrace. Please don't. Otherwise, wear your heart on your sleeve and be honest with yourself and everyone in your life! It not only hurts you when you keep your flaws to yourself, but it hurts those around you. Believe in yourself and in your loved ones. If they don't stick around to see you through your worst, they don't deserve you at your best! (Someone else said that, but I can't remember who, so don't give me credit...I wish). If you say you can't find anyone to accept you, you aren't being honest enough.

Here are 6 articles that I have found to be helpful in many ways:
~31 Secrets of People Who Live With Anxiety http://themighty.com/?p=37087?st=pinterest
~Anxiety Facts: 12 Important Ones You May Not Know http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-facts/
~24 Things People With Generalized Anxiety Disorder Want You To Know http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/hello-anxiety-my-old-friend?crlt.pid=camp.GoOtMTZDS3tK#.clNPnLyd0
~ A Letter to Husbands: Three Ways To Help Your Wife With Anxiety http://www.nittygrittylove.com/a-letter-to-husbands-3-ways-to-help-your-wife-with-anxiety/
~Supporting a Loved One Through PTSD or Panic Attacks https://sometimesmagical.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/supporting-a-loved-one-through-ptsd-or-panic-attacks/
~20 Struggles You Go Through When You Date Someone With Anxiety http://elitedaily.com/dating/dating-someone-with-anxiety/907721/

Au revoir
-T