On Anxiety and Introversion

Y'all, I hate being an introvert. I want to be the person to start conversations or join in one. I hate sitting on the sidelines observing others chatting away. But that's what I am: an observer. Because of my empathy, I find it overwhelming to talk to so many people, so I observe. Because of my introversion, I am exhausted after being surrounded by a large group, but I don't mind. Because of my anxiety, I'm constantly questioning what I want to say or what I did say. I am the kind of person who will be anxious over something I said that I thought was weird for days. I will ask myself why I say or do things that can be construed as creepy or weird or annoying and chastise myself for continuing to do so. What that leaves me with is nothing to say.

This week, I have found myself in multiple situations that call upon my above flaws. I feel these things over social media as well. If I message someone that I don't have their number and they don't give it to me, I think they obviously don't want to interact with me. I will reach out to moms on Instagram and if they don't reply, I question if I came on too strong. IRL I hate walking around large groups of people basically waiting for a conversation I can join in and I just seem to be lurking. And the worst is when you're talking to someone and someone else comes to talk to them and they start having a conversation completely irrelevant to you so you just turn around and kind of disappear.

What it boils down to is my brain. That sounds weird but let me explain. My thoughts run at 160 miles/minute. As I am in these social situations, I remember times that I've embarrassed myself or heard of an embarrassing situation and I try to avoid that. I think back to 3rd grade when I was told at a sleepover that I was too loud, so I try and speak quietly. I think back to Kindergarten when I was told, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all," which I've translated to, "If you don't have something constructive to say, don't say anything." I think back to sometime in elementary school when I tried to tell my church leaders I had a wedgie but said "hickey" for some reason, and they obviously gave me a weird look. I think back to every whisper in my direction, every strange look, every denied text or turned shoulder, and I get anxious. My husband and I have a routine that when we go out, he is the ice breaker and I hit the home run. It's not that I won't talk, I'm just too nervous to start the conversation. So Stephen will introduce us, do the small talk (oh, the agony!), find some common ground which is when I step in and knock stout of the park. But he isn't home a lot so I find myself growing in situations I'm sure are a million times worse in my head, but I have no one to ground me. Another part of this feeling is this generation. We are so used to instant gratification that we freak out when someone doesn't answer our text within 5 minutes. I know my love language is Words of Affirmation, and I need people to verbally quell my anxieties and fears in order to stop them. If I make a big purchase and I'm nervous about Stephen's reaction, the minute he blows it off or justifies it, my heart stops pounding and I can breathe again. When I get verbal feedback on my work, I am always so relieved to at least know what the other person is thinking. Anytime I'm asked which superpower I would want, I always say to read people's minds. I wouldn't need to fish for verbal confirmation. I hate fishing, but I don't have the confidence to ask outright if someone could help me get a job or to tell me how my work is improving.

Even now as I type, I am wondering if I should even continue this post. I ask my self what the purpose is for typing this. Am I even going to publish it? Sometimes I just have to do it. I just have to suck it up and start a conversation. Sometimes I have to bite the bullet and make the difficult phone call (anyone else have a hard time talking to some people on the phone?). So I hope this crazy mess of word vomit can help someone somehow just know they're not alone. If anything, it was a nice venting session.

On Breastfeeding and the Unknown

I am currently on a month-long vacation in California visiting friends and family. Daxton and I flew out solo and are braving our first vacation just the two of us. Daxton is meeting a lot of new people and these people are interested in Daxton's routines and behaviors. After being asked about his development, particularly with food and nursing, I felt it was necessary to begin to discuss some of the myths regarding breastfeeding. I cannot believe that women have been nursing since the beginning of time, yet still do not understand the benefits and necessity of breastmilk. Note: While I do believe in the power of breastmilk, I am unfortunately all too aware of the difficulties some moms deal with when trying to breastfeed and that it is not the best option for all families, so ultimately I believe "fed is best".

1. Babies get all their nutrients from breastmilk: TRUE

Babies need nothing else apart from their mother's milk or formula to survive the first year of life. Nothing else will provide the nutrition babies need for their constantly growing and developing bodies. Breastmilk changes based on babies needs. Research (that I am too lazy to find again, but you can look it up yourself or take my word for it) has shown that a mother's milk will change when her baby is sick to help heal the baby. However, it is important that the mother eat well. Mother's should eat well no matter what, but especially when what you put into your body translates into what the baby puts in his. Take care of yourselves, ladies!

2. Baby needs water to stay hydrated: FALSE

Babies should not have water until they are 6 months, and even then they don't need it. Some pediatricians might disagree and say a little is okay at 4 months. The reason for this is baby's kidneys do not fully develop until around 6 months. Water will not be able to properly digest in the body and baby can get very sick and in some cases die from water intoxication (look it up). At 6 months, some doctors will suggest that baby can drink 1-2 ounces a day, especially if you live in a warm environment. In most cases, this is not necessary at all. Mama's breastmilk will keep baby hydrated AND full. Our bodies are mostly made up of water, so imagine all the water going to baby from mom. Don't forget to keep mamas hydrated! We need to keep our water percentage up so that we can properly feed baby! Our pediatrician did recommend to us that Daxton drinks water to help with his constipation, but that would be a circumstance in which we allow ourselves to do something we know is going to help him rather than hurt him, especially knowing he prefers to nurse anyway.

3. Baby should be eating three meals a day: FALSE

I am surprised at how many times I've said that Daxton is hungry and people ask me what he can eat. Uhh, breastmilk all the way! We are journeying through baby-led weaning, so Daxton does "eat meals" but he doesn't eat for nutrients or to fulfill his hunger. Solid food is an adventure for him and he is learning mealtimes and tastes and textures. I was also shocked at how many times I had to explain to people that Daxton doesn't eat meals, he nurses. He will nurse according to his schedule. I give him food when Stephen and I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner to teach him the concept of mealtime, but that doesn't mean he is receiving all the nutrients he needs or that it is even a healthy option. Someone asked me if Daxton ate lunch and I thought, "Well he ate a little bit of food when I ate, but I think they're asking if he was fed, so he nursed, but that wasn't the question." So I had to explain that Daxton doesn't "do lunch". He might ingest some food, but it doesn't classify as lunch, or not in the sense of fulfilling a hunger halfway through the day like adults or older children do. So no he didn't eat lunch, but also yes, he did. 

4. If baby doesn't latch to the bottle or nipple, he must not be hungry: FALSE

I don't know about other mamas, but my baby has always been EXTREMELY curious. If someone talks, he will unlatch. If the TV is on, he won't want to eat. If he knows he can be playing, he won't want to stop to eat. It is mom's job to make sure your child is properly fed. Create an environment that will be conducive to a calm and relaxed state for baby to enjoy nursing/a bottle. This might mean turning off the TV, speaking in hushed or relaxed tones, turning off a light or closing the curtains, and in our case, turning off the ceiling fan. If this doesn't work, don't force your baby to eat, but continue to offer food in the form of breastmilk or a bottle. Baby will be hungry and given the right environment, he WILL eat. 

5. Breastfeeding will happen naturally: FALSE

I cannot emphasize enough how false this is. Babies are born with the reflex to latch, therefore breast feeding will happen naturally for baby. Mamas need to be much more prepared. I was extremely unprepared. There were things I could have spent more time reading about or researching that would have make my journey so much easier, but instead I assumed it would just happen and didn't bother to spend much time on this concept. It definitely did not happen naturally for me and I had multiple anxiety attacks in the hospital. I almost gave up half a dozen times in the ensuing months, but continues to push through until I was finally able to fix the tongue tie and wean off the nipple shields t four months. Ever since, I never want to stop breastfeeding. Prego mamas, do not skim past this subject; do your research and take classes!

6. You can increase your supply: TRUE

There have been many occasions that I have felt like my supply was dwindling. I would freak out and jump online to research how to increase my supply immediately. I was not about to empty my wallet on nutrition bars designed for that purpose and did not feel like investing in a ton of ingredients that might help. There are certain foods called"galactagogues" that are rumored to help with a mother's milk supply. There are teas that combine few or many of these herbs and foods. I figured I could try that because I drink tea regularly as is. I can definitely say that helped. Another option is cutting out caffeine. After I gave birth and was super hungry and hormonal, I drank a lot of soda. I am embarrassed to admit it, but it is the truth and needs to be discussed. Once I cut it out, I found my supply increased as well. Finally, my favorite option for a supply increase is a "lactation vacation". For a period of time, typically a day, do nothing but nurse your baby. Lay in bed with baby all day and nurse as often as baby will allow. I promise you will not spoil your baby (another topic for another post). Every time you nurse, your are sending a signal to your brain to make more milk. The more you feed baby, the more you produce. Also, babies will not overeat. If they cannot handle anymore food, they will cry, letting you know they are full. If you force baby to eat, they can get sick. So follow your baby's cues and feed them as much as possible. 

7. Nursing is a wonderfully difficult reward: TRUE

As I said earlier, I never want to stop. But at the same time, I want my freedom back. I want to be able to go shoot a wedding or plan a day away without also planning times to pump and thawing breastmilk bags from the freezer. But there is literally no greater joy to experience in life than watching your child be supported from you in a way no one else can. I struggled in bonding with my baby a little at first, but nursing him completely fixed that. I get so emotional sometimes when I see how satisfied and happy Daxton is after nursing. Sometimes, it is the only thing that can calm him and help him sleep, and I don't mind one bit. Daxton has decades before him; I can spare a few months to help him receive the best nutrition he can and develop our bond even more. 

On Becoming a Size 6

***I wrote this yesterday but was nervous to post it because a lot of people may be offended and disagree with me. I fell asleep shortly after writing. Once I slept on it, I realized this is my opinion and that doesn't make it right or wrong, just an opinion of something I did and wanted to share***

So today is the day I realized I am a size 6. My weight loss journey began when I moved to NC. I knew I was unhappy with my weight and my lifestyle, so I changed it. Upon getting married and moving across the country, I had no job and a new spouse to impress. I began to really get into creative cooking. I had more time to work out and eat proper meals. I was drinking A LOT of water. I became close to a family who changed my life and redirected me down a path of health and wellness. They welcomed me into the "organic" realm and I began to be very conscious about what I ate AND where I got it from. I have always been a runner, and I used that as an outlet for stress, restlessness, anxiety, excitement, etc. My jobs were physically demanding and without setting any goals or making any diet plans, I lost about 25 lbs and 4 dress sizes. All I did was change my lifestyle, and that is ultimately what health and wellness are about. I understand positive body image and feeling good about "the skin you're in", but if you aren't living a healthy lifestyle, that isn't okay. Bad food=bad feeling. I cannot eat fast food anymore (Chick Fil A doesn't count, obvs) because I know how crappy I will feel after (and during). And don't get me wrong, I mess up. I just had half a Coke with dinner because Stephen brought it home for me and I didn't have the willpower to dump it. But I cannot and will not lose this progress I made. It extends beyond my weight. I have found I am able to get a much better hold over my emotions and anxiety, I am happier, I have more motivation to stay active, and knowing I am in shape helps that smile stay on my face a lot longer. 

So today, when I received a gift with a pair of pants size 6, I laughed to myself, thinking I would definitely need to exchange them for a bigger size. I tried them on and they were a bit tight so I went to the store to exchange them for a bigger size. The saleswoman asked if I was sure I wanted to exchange for a size 8 (still a stretch in my mind) because I looked like a size 6. I replied I definitely need a bigger size, laughing in my head, not thinking that she sees a hundred different people a day and she might know a thing or two about sizing. She had me try on a different style in a 6 and they fit AMAZING! I got those too because they were SO comfortable! I asked another saleswoman why the other size 6 was so tight and if their sizes weren't consistent. She said it was due to  high compression in the first pair versus none in the second. I asked which she thought was more accurate, because the woman up front must still be wrong, and she said she definitely thought I was a size 6 from the start. My mind was blown. I was definitely not expecting that to happen. I left with two size 6 pants wearing a pair of size 10 shorts I realized are too big on me and I subconsciously wash in hot water to shrink them up after each wear. I didn't believe in myself at all. If it wasn't for the salespeople being so helpful and interactive, I wouldn't be feeling so successful now. After 3 years and a 10 lb baby, I am so proud of myself and I am going to use this happiness to push myself to continue my lifestyle; organic and dairy-free. We eat balanced meals and don't buy junk (anymore). I walk/run-have to build back my endurance-with Daxton and we've been swimming a lot. Carrying Daxton alone is a workout! I believe in being healthy and fit, not skinny or thin. It doesn't matter if you're a size 0 or a size 10, as long as you have a healthy lifestyle and prioritize your health and wellness, you definitely should be comfortable in your skin!

July 2012

June 2017

These aren't great comp pictures, but like I said, I didn't set out to lose weight, just live a better lifestyle. I am so comfortable in my skin now and I know it's because I am healthy, fit, and well.

"Dear friend, I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit." 3 John 1:2

On Appreciating the Bad Days

So that vacation we took wasn't much of a vacation. Dax was super extra fussy all day. He took a decent nap this morning but teething is really taking its toll. You know when your kid is really off and nothing works so you just have to hold him and love one him--I basically had to hold him all day. I'm not complaining about it at all. Maybe it is because I had already decided to do nothing today or maybe God put a peace over my heart, but I remained strong and positive all day. That is a huge feat considering I only got 3 hours of sleep. However, I was shriveling up inside. In my mind I pictured myself crawling under the covers and bawling until Stephen comes home tomorrow. 

Come 3 PM, I realized it was no where close to bedtime and we were going a little stir crazy. My mom suggested that we go to the park. So off we went, swiftly grabbing a few items we needed and forgetting a lot of others, like sun protection in the way of sunscreen (necessary evil) and bonnets. I knew being in the car would help him sleep too. Of course he was fussy on the way to the park, but once he got in that swing he was so happy! I felt so relieved. All my anxiety came out as hyper-excitement. As a mom with a very small baby who can't even sit in his own, things get boring fast. So we moved into the big swing and I swing with him in my lap. He loved it and the kids at the park loved him and D loved all the attention. Eventually my legs grew numb and we had to move on. He was extra fussy in the car but I knew he was tired, so I made up a new game: drive wherever and do what you can to not have to stop. If you're approaching a red light, get in the right hand lane; if you're going through a parking lot, keep turning for different exits; if you're approaching traffic, make a turn just before and discover something new. I got him to sleep and went to Chick-fil-A. Once he fell asleep, I felt the after shock of my anxiety; the nausea, headache, shakes, tears, like coming off a caffeine high. I could barely process the day and I knew it wasn't over yet. He woke up right as we got home and we were back to square one, except we were much closer to bedtime. I gave him some green beans (we started them this morning, he loved them, there are pics below) and he was happy on his own for a bit, long enough for me to catch my breath. Then we took a bath and D is now asleep in my arms. I want to put him down but then that means we are closer to sleep and closer to tomorrow and closer to five months and closer to a year and closer to him moving out for college! No matter how hard the days are, I wouldn't trade them for anything. Sure it would be nice for Stephen to be here to help, but then I would miss out on a cuddling period or a diaper change (yes, I cherish those). I know I am so lucky to experience bad days with Daxton. I love my baby and one day I will look back on this time and think nothing but melancholic thoughts that this phase has passed. I'm going to make sure to carpe diem. 

On Redecorating My Life

What a year it has been! I honestly can say I have been through the ringer. I was so unprepared fro motherhood. Hubby and I have had tremendous financial issues (the latest being how much we owe in taxes, even after having a baby!). I have had to deal with having a beautiful and perfect baby away from my friends and family. My anxiety has been at an all time high and my therapist has been on maternity leave! I still haven't technically been cleared to work out again due to medical issues postpartum. Hubby and I have been tested in our marriage due to all these issues. As soon as we feel like we have made it through a storm, another comes along. I have read the book of Job twice since December, trying to make sense of the testing God is putting us through. I feel like every proclamation of faith I make brings forward another problem. I know it is the enemy trying to discourage me and my family, but how long is he going to bully me! He went after Jesus 40 days in the desert; it's been 5 months! Satan, you cannot get to me so leave me alone! I have an incredible tribe of support in the way of friends, family, and a church community straight out of my dreams. I know our lives could be so much worse. I thank God that we have a roof over our heads, running water, food in our bellies, clothes on our back, diapers on our booty (for the babe who needs them), shoes on our feet, smiles on our faces, love in our hearts, and faith in our souls. I pray everyday that Daxton knows how loved he is.

Due to these ever growing feelings and emotions, I have recognized the need to redecorate. Before baby, I was really into the boho eclectic vibe. We had really awesome pieces throughout the house and really rich color palettes. We had a beautiful duvet my mom got us for Christmas from Urban Outfitters (it's no longer listed online but its so nice) that was red and brown with hints of purple. I had red throw pillows throughout the house and sought out dark wood pieces. After baby, I needed to completely redecorate the apartment (I just need to talk about how much I love our little apartment; if I could have this layout with one extra bedroom as a house I would be so happy!). In early March, I purged the apartment. I let so many items go and I regret nothing. It felt so amazing. That weekend, we sold our dark couch and bought a white one with blue and yellow stripes. I kinda wanted to get a white slipcover, but I have really come to like it as is. We now have a white duvet cover and the beautiful one is in the trunk, waiting for a home in our future guest room. We sold the desk we had been using in our bedroom (because I didn't want to get rid of it) since we put our dresser in D's nursery for a changing table. We got a new dresser and its a beautiful mid-century modern piece with a medium wood finish. I got rid of my beloved Safavieh grey suede studded bench and found an awesome vintage leather chair my grandfather would have loved that I used to create a serene nursing corner in my bedroom. I even got rid of some books! I really need a boho minimalist feel in my home to help with my anxiety. I feel immeasurably better when I look around the house. The rich colors and large pieces made the place feel messy, even when it was clean. Now, I look around and feel a sense of peace. I am waking up in a better mood each morning. It may be a strange thing to say, but God has provided so much in this redecorating journey. The chair I mentioned fro the nursing corner was a find from Habitat for Humanity. Stephen and I went 5 minutes before closing and I spotted it right away, sat on it and said, "This is it!" I looked at the price tag and it read $10! The dresser was from our third thrift store of the day, and right as we were going to leave and call it quits, I saw it on the way out. It was only $50. I scored two wood accordion racks, one for $5 and one for $1. I have gotten so lucky with finding beautiful baskets and throw pillows. My sister bought us the most gorgeous hand woven Indian throw pillows (another Habitat find). I have realized that less is more; when Stephen and I first got married and moved in together, I was so ecstatic to begin decorating. I had never had my own place before and I had always shared a room with my sister. I finally got to do my own thing. I didn't really know what my own thing was. I tried out so many interior decorating styles and now I have finally settled. What really helped me was looking at interior design styles on Instagram. On Pinterest, once I start looking into one style, that's all they show me. On Instagram, I can browse through a diverse selection of styles. I definitely found the most joy when I would look at white, bright, natural looking places. I know that is the "in" thing and its super trendy, but I also know who it makes me feel and how it affects my anxiety. Redecorating during a rough financial time isn't easy, but I'm so frugal that I probably wouldn't have spent much more than I have anyway. I have definitely made more by selling pieces and getting lucky by finding replacement pieces that are super inexpensive. My next project is painting our chest white, but I have no idea when I will have the time! Someone please come take my baby so I can paint!

On God's Hidden Blessings

Daxton just turned 4 months! Lucky for us, that means a 4 month sleep regression(check out this article that explains the dreaded 4 month sleep regression https://theollieworld.com/blogs/posts/the-dreaded-4-month-sleep-regression?mc_cid=38ef263dc8&mc_eid=994caaf284)! We've never had issues with getting him to sleep through the night, though he rarely slept during the day. We have found, through trial and error, that the more D sleeps during the day, the longer he sleeps at night. Unfortunately, we are losing our minds as all that we've worked for has become obsolete due to this regression. 

For the past few mornings, I've been woken up at 5 AM to a child who just won't go back to sleep. I am 100% sure he is still tired, but he FEELS rested and won't put himself back to sleep like he used to. Now if you know me, I'm not particularly kind before 9 AM, and downright cruel before 7 AM. I find myself sobbing on these mornings, praying that God will put a peace on my baby's heart so that I could even get just ONE more hour of sleep. I set him in the DockATot in bed with me to try to squeeze a little extra shut eye. I slowly drag out the wake up process we have set so that I can snooze another 15-30 minutes any chance I get. I become so angry with God for blessing my child with such an awareness that he doesn't want to sleep and miss anything. I yell to God asking what I'm getting out of this and why I'm being spread as thin as I am. 

This morning it hit me. God is giving me more time with my sweet baby. I was feeling extremely melancholic thinking about how my boy is growing up way too fast. I was getting so emotional wondering how on earth I would be able to handle watching him grow up, knowing one day he will no longer fit in my arms. Eventually, the smell of sweat and aftershave will replace the beautiful natural scent of his hair. But for now, God is saying, "Hey, you know time is fleeting, so get off your lazy butt and kiss your baby good morning." 

Once I realized this, I busted out the camera to capture the moment. Because time is fleeting. So I got off my lazy butt and kissed the heck out of this kid. Eventually, he did go back to sleep.

-T

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On the Anxieties of Motherhood

I have come to the realization that motherhood is nothing but a series of small-large panic attacks in between periods of wondering when the next panic attack is going to hit. For someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, this is my constant battle. I know my triggers and I know how I should react, but my focus is so easily moved from my own mental health so that I can prioritize the needs of my baby. I forget that my babies number one need is a healthy momma, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are so many things that a new mom experiences that will set off an anxiety attack.

Uncontrollable Crying
It happens to every baby and new parent. Every new parent has to learn their child's unique needs and how baby shows his needs are not being fulfilled. But what about when you run through "the list" and still have a fussing kid. "The list" is as follows: is baby hungry, dirty, too warm or too cold, gassy, or tired? If you've answered no to all these and your baby is still a wreck, it's pretty easy to become a wreck yourself. Thoughts like, "I don't know what my child needs. I must be a terrible mother," or "Why can I not understand my own child" will cross your mind. You begin to panic because you realize you must have missed a cue and you don't know what to do, but you know you have to do something. So you cry, or yell, or stomp about. Instead, run through "the list" again because you probably forgot something. If that doesn't work, give your partner or a family member a turn trying to figure out what's wrong and walk into another room. I always think of something when I take a step back.

Judgement
This is SUCH a hard one for me. I struggle with allowing myself to feel judged and not caring what anyone thinks. Almost everyone has an opinion about babies. There is something people want to tell you about breastfeeding, or sleep, or diapering, or development, or parenting styles. Either you're holding your baby too much or not enough, or you're feeding him too much or not enough, or you take him out too much or not enough. If I have my baby out in public and he starts crying, I automatically look at how people react, how they judge me. It's torture for myself and completely unnecessary, yet somehow I can't help it. I always said I don't want to be the parent with the loud, annoying, disturbing baby. And tbh, his cry isn't that loud or annoying...it's actually really cute, but I don't really think the person behind me in line at Target or sitting on the bench in the shopping plaza agree. Instead of worrying so much about what others think, I know I should be focused on how I get to make my own parenting choices now and take pride in that. Obviously that's easier said than done.

Breastfeeding
I just wrote a whole post about this one(http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2017/01/on-what-no-one-tells-you-about.html). Case in point; breastfeeding is the toughest part of being a new mom and will naturally cause a ton of anxiety. I have to say at least half of my meltdowns have been somehow related to breastfeeding. It may not be fun, but it is worth it. When breastfeeding feels like too much, I remind myself that God gave me this ability to provide for my son like no one else can and to not take advantage of it. I don't want to do anything but cherish this time where he needs and wants what only I can give him. Breastfeeding my baby is such an important and special thing that it is important to look at it in a positive light no matter what. I am open and honest with my husband about all my feelings so that he can help me the best he can.

Big Mistakes
I don't want to write about this, mostly due to the "Judgement" section above, but I've made some pretty bad mistakes. I have dropped my phone on his head while he's nursing, almost dropped him while switching sides, and poured too water on his head in the bath that it got all over his face. In those moments, I feel like the absolute worst person on the planet. I feel incapable of raising a child. In those moments, I just hold him and cry and apologize over and over and over. Not that there is anything wrong with apologizing and loving on my babe, I need to also realize that I'm not perfect, and if I truly wasn't capable, God wouldn't have blessed me with a perfect, beautiful, healthy baby boy he deemed me worthy of caring for. If God thinks I am capable, then so should I.

Lists
It's unavoidable. As I sit still nursing, unable to get anything done, I look around the room and come up with lists of things that have to get done. The more I come up with, the more anxious I feel. I never know when I'll get enough free time to actually get anything done. But 100%, I need to focus on my new baby rather than the things that aren't getting done. If the house isn't swept or laundry isn't done, then we will breathe in a little dust and sit around the house without clean clothes for a day. I know that time with an infant is fleeting. Already my LO is almost 8 weeks old, and I cannot believe how quickly time has progressed. I will never be able to get these days back, so I need to be thankful that sweeping isn't so dire that we will all die if it doesn't get done.

Doubt
Self-doubt has been my biggest enemy. Bits of self-doubt have seeped into every aspect of my role as a new mother, and sought to steal my joy in this wonderful time. Anytime I falter, a voice deep in my head tells me I'm doing something wrong or that I don't know what I'm doing. Those moments cause temporary insanity while I try and mentally fight this voice and maintain the exterior of a positive, healthy momma. The best way to combat this is to surround yourself with people you can trust and confide in and to be honest with them. I have some great friends who reassure me I'm doing a great job and that I am capable.

Fear
There are so many things to be afraid of. From SIDS to cancer, to a car stopping too quick just in front of you when your LO is in the back, anything can get you or your child and you have absolutely zero control over that. There are precautions to take, like ensuring your child isn't surrounded with bumpers, blankets, and pillows at night, or living organic to avoid carcinogens and toxins (http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2016/03/on-living-organic.html), and making sure you have the highest rated and safest car seat possible. Ultimately, God is in control. He will decide when we all live and die and all I can do is try to live my life to fulfill His purpose for me. Proverbs 19:21 reads "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand"(ESV). As long as I remember to focus on that verse, I can work my way out of any panic attack.

Anxiety
Anxiety causes anxiety. Just yesterday, my little nest was driving home, and Daxton was crying uncontrollably. My husband pulled over into a fire station so I could try to calm the baby. We happened to be out of diapers, he was too dirty to be hungry or sleep, and we were still 10 minutes from home. I literally could do nothing to console my baby and I felt such anxiety that I couldn't move past it and instead, became upset and took it out on my husband. When I got home, I cried over Daxton and apologized that I couldn't help him, then I apologized to my ever-loving husband for having such a bad reaction. Sometimes, when you know you're acting a wreck, you get crazier. Instead, own up to your bad attitude and throw a wrench in the cycle. I promise wonderful results.

-T

On Channeling Your Senses

Recently, my therapist asked me to try a new method of dealing with my anxiety by focusing on my senses and identifying what makes me smile by way of my senses. For three weeks, I focused on my senses throughout the day and anytime I caught myself smiling, I made a note. I had never realized how much I smile, or how many things make me feel happy. I had a lot of options, but i narrowed them down to 10 things in each category. I would like to share those things I have heard, felt, smelled, seen, or tasted that have made me smile and I would like to challenge you, reader to do the same. Whether you adopt this method as a way of meditation, or dealing with emotions or just because, you will truly be able to appreciate the little things that often go unnoticed.

This list is 50 items long, so I apologize, but hopefully my commentary makes it worth the read:

Sight

1. Flowers-any flowers, I just love flowers

2. Pop-pop’s house-Long Island, New York

3. Our love box-where my husband and I keep almost six years of mementos

4. Anthropologie/Free People-the aesthetic 

5. Fitness Instagram Profiles-if they can do it, I can too!

6. My artwork-look how far I've come

7. The babies play-their personalities are amazing 

8. Bookstores-am I right?

9. Babies in the backseat-they make the funniest faces

10. My house-my design is on point

Sound

1. The babies talk-they try so hard
2. Elevation Worship-you can just feel the Lord!

3. Words of Affirmation-my love language

4. Pop-pop’s voice-I can still hear him telling me to do what makes me happy

5. “Then” Brad Paisley-Wedding song

6. “Firecracker” Josh Turner-wedding song

7. “The Stand In” Leighton Meester & Check In the Dark-first dance song

8. Talking to Stephen via Facetime-*tries to insert emoji with heart eyes*

9. Positive conversations with my mom-we are so similar its a little scary

10. My dad calling me “Bebe”-it's adorable

Touch

1. Warm clothes from the dryer-I can't be the only one who takes out the laundry and lies on top of the pile for a HOT SECOND (see what I did there)

2. Hot shower-again...am I right?

3. Bubble bath-with a lavender bath bomb

4. New book-the feeling of the crisp pages...

5. Cuddling with Stephen-all I want when I come home

6. Pedicure-I mean, duh!

7. Snuggling babies-when they let me

8. Running my fingers through Stephen’s hair-relaxes me too

9. Brushing the girls’ hair-so sweet

10. Warm sand-mmm I miss the beach

Taste
1. Nita’s Corn Casserole-Delicious 

2. Nana’s meatloaf-Delicious

3. Tea with milk-Pop-pop taught me how to drink my tea

4. Milkshakes-the best cure for anything

5. Clean Juice-how good does it feel to know exactly what you're eating/drinking

6. Mom's Sweet Potato Casserole-with a side of love and tradition

7. BBQ chicken-stephen makes a killer chef, and pretty easy on the eyes *tries to insert winking emoji*

8. Kale-because I'm recharged after a super kale salad

9. Pomegranate seeds-so refreshing!

10. Apple Pie cookies-my own creation

Smell
1. Lavender-calming

2. Peonies-beautiful

3. Hydrangeas-mmm

4. Apples and cinnamon-mmmm

5. Beach-mmmmm

6. Haven’s hair-mmmmmm

7. Stephen’s body wash-mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *tries to insert kissy face emoji*

8. Woods/forest-now I want to go on a hike

9. New book pages/bookstores-to a bookstore

10. Woodshop/Pop-pop’s basement-on Long Island


-T

On Living With Anxiety

When I tell people I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), they usually assume that I get stressed easily and I don't know how to handle it.

Yes, I get stressed. I get stressed under any number of circumstances. Unfortunately, this extends to many aspects of my life. I have claustrophobia, social anxiety, trouble sleeping, extreme dizziness, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath on a daily basis. These symptoms are before and after a panic attack. During a panic attack, all these symptoms are elevated, with the addition of new ones. Now if I could cure it, handle it, or help it in anyway, I definitely would. This is not something I wish to experience. I promise I do not do it for attention, nor do I use it as a way to cope. There is no way to "cure" or "prevent" anxiety or anxiety attacks, and don't even try to argue me on this one--controlling or lessening attacks is possible, but not the same thing.

Fortunately, early on in life, I was very self aware of my symptoms. I was the kid who would get $5.00 from the tooth fairy and go to the grocery store with my mom and freak out over what to spend my money on. I couldn't decide if I wanted gum, which would last me a decent amount of time, a toy which would last 'forever', or chips, super delicious but wouldn't last long. When my parents would take me to get ice cream, I was always the last to order because I couldn't decide. I would consider all my options with a ridiculous weight. What if I tried a new flavor and think I like it, but it gets old quickly and I can't finish it? What if I try my sisters and realize I want hers instead? What if I stick with my regular Mint Chip and regret not trying something new? (This has by no means changed at all, but if pressured, I can easily make last minute decisions...don't give me too much time to consider my options is my advice!) I learned how to stay strong and smile through the pain. I believe I can control my anxiety, and I have not given up hope that I truly will one day.

I remember when I was in third grade, I went to the nurse's office with the worst headache my seven-year-old self had ever experienced. I was crying, holding my head, shaking, shivering, sweating. My mom picked me up and took me to the ER. I had just experienced my first panic attack. By that time, the doctor classified it as a migraine, which still was a lot for my little body (y'all, I was really tiny!) and from that point on, my doctor became my closest confidant, seeing me regularly to monitor my migraines and other symptoms. I didn't have another major panic attack until senior year of high school--my parents were great at helping me calm down when I started to get crazy. I was driving home, completely satisfied with my life, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I felt dizzy and couldn't see straight. Luckily, I snapped out of it quickly, and immediately made a doctor's appointment. I had two more that week. My doctor realized I have GAD. He told me to limit the stress in my life and stop spreading myself so thin. If you know me, you know that is impossible. I am a yes person through and through. If someone somewhere needs my help, I am there! I also have OCD, and these two things combined with my raging migraines makes my life a bit of a challenge. I am on medication for it and I am totally not ashamed. A huge thing many people with anxiety deal with is shame, which I have none of. I don't know how I got this way, but I am able to logically walk away from my panic attacks at times (see my blog about balancing logic and emotions http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2015/11/on-controlling-your-emotions.html). I definitely know my parents helped me get to a place where I am healthy enough to handle myself, but there are times that I just can't. I was just in New York, in the middle of Times Square, and I couldn't control myself when a panic attack hit. I am definitely an extroverted introvert (I can totally talk to people and speak up for myself, but I gain energy from being alone) and I had not been alone for almost a week. I was in the throes of hundreds of tourist families and creepy Elmos. It all became too much; I had been too strong for too long and I broke. It can happen anywhere, anytime! This makes my life one that is hard to share and I am a lot of work.

I call this post "living" with anxiety, not "suffering" or "dealing with" because suffering is not living and dealing with yourself is not necessarily a healthy way to go about living with your flaws or feeling good about yourself. I embrace my downfalls so that I can work with them and control them. Owning up to me flaws allows me to feel more self-confident when I am really down on myself. I have spent my whole life getting to this point. It is not impossible. Whatever your downfall, your flaw, your negative aspects, I promise you there is a line of people waiting to help you! I have been blessed with so many people in my life who have not only helped me, but inspired me and pushed me to better myself even more. The only people who have no hope are serial killers and pervs. Those are not downfalls to embrace. Please don't. Otherwise, wear your heart on your sleeve and be honest with yourself and everyone in your life! It not only hurts you when you keep your flaws to yourself, but it hurts those around you. Believe in yourself and in your loved ones. If they don't stick around to see you through your worst, they don't deserve you at your best! (Someone else said that, but I can't remember who, so don't give me credit...I wish). If you say you can't find anyone to accept you, you aren't being honest enough.

Here are 6 articles that I have found to be helpful in many ways:
~31 Secrets of People Who Live With Anxiety http://themighty.com/?p=37087?st=pinterest
~Anxiety Facts: 12 Important Ones You May Not Know http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-facts/
~24 Things People With Generalized Anxiety Disorder Want You To Know http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/hello-anxiety-my-old-friend?crlt.pid=camp.GoOtMTZDS3tK#.clNPnLyd0
~ A Letter to Husbands: Three Ways To Help Your Wife With Anxiety http://www.nittygrittylove.com/a-letter-to-husbands-3-ways-to-help-your-wife-with-anxiety/
~Supporting a Loved One Through PTSD or Panic Attacks https://sometimesmagical.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/supporting-a-loved-one-through-ptsd-or-panic-attacks/
~20 Struggles You Go Through When You Date Someone With Anxiety http://elitedaily.com/dating/dating-someone-with-anxiety/907721/

Au revoir
-T