On Controlling Your Emotions

From a very young age, it was obvious to my parents that I was a very emotional child. I have anxiety, which I dealt with throughout my childhood, and I would feel for everything. It wasn't just that I cried a lot (though if you ask my sister, she will definitely say I was a crybaby), but that I cried for so many things. My mom is the similar; we both have a lot of feelings and we both feel deeply, often personally, even if it isn't logical. My dad is the opposite. He doesn't have a lot of feelings...or so I thought...

Somehow, by the grace of God, my dad learned to control his emotions. He definitely has them, and he definitely feels them, but he controls them. I am sure it has to do with his childhood, being the oldest son of two with a single mom. No matter, he is a straight up G. He taught me everything I know about controlling my emotions. He made me aware that I was emotional. He questioned me when I got emotional, so that my logos could fight through for balance. He would assign me Bible verses to study at a young age that had to do with self control (you know the one...fruits of the spirit...love, joy, peace...), controlling your anger, and wearing the armor of God. The best thing he ever did for me was teach me to think before I act. I heard that at least three times a week, if not once a day. He was always like, "What do I always say? Think..." My impatient seven-year-old self would retort, "I know, I know. Think before I act." I would follow that with an eye roll, to which he would say I probably didn't think that one through. He was right.

I learned and practiced how to feel something, and then logically think through what my next move would be. All my life, I have been practicing a careful balance of pathos and logos. Little did I know how much all the annoying phrases and verses would affect me as an adult. Here I am now, contemplating some very serious life-changing decisions, trying to figure out what is best for me. Were I to act purely on pathos, I would end up wondering why I made decisions without thinking. If I make a decision based on logos, then I will surely regret following my instincts, even if they didn't make sense at the time. 

Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have a superhero for a dad, or such a great role model for a mom, so they have to learn things the hard way. People make mistakes, and people have regrets. There is absolutely no reason to cry over your mistakes or question your choices. Absolutely everything that happens in life is a lesson. All experiences in a persons life shapes who they become.

So go out in the world! Live life. Make decisions based on your guts, the heart ones and the brain ones! Always learn from your experiences. But don't sit back and wonder. Dreams are so wonderful when you can pair them with action, otherwise they become nightmares. Go fly to the moon or sing on Broadway, but please be logical about it too. Like if you really can't sing, then don't sing on Broadway. Please.

Au revoir!

-T

On Following Your Dreams

If someone were to open my yearbook from my senior year of high school, most messages concluded by reminding me to follow my dreams. I never thought much about it until now because it is a perfectly acceptable thing to wish on someone; why would anyone not want to follow their dreams? Dreams make you feel happy and hopeful. Not having a dream to achieve seems terribly depressing, as if there is no hope or happiness in life, no goal to work toward. What is the point of going though life without an ultimate goal that seems slightly unattainable, but knowing you can get there with enough hard work and dedication?

What no one told me is that dreams change. There are many reasons a dream can change and it happens to pretty much all of us. Every five year old dreams of being a superhero, a princess, or some other fictional character (but really one of my Kindergarteners wanted to grow up to be Elsa), which many adults condone because it’s cute at the time. But at what point does someone tell you that the chances of you becoming a pop star or Elsa are pretty much slim to none. These dreams are sent to some unseen graveyard by every child when they realize there is something they want that they cannot attain. Has anyone looked into the idea that maybe those attitude-filled adolescents are so mean is because they are at the point of realizing they need to figure out a real goal in life? Poor kids know that they won’t be the next Avengers character or Hannah Montana. They're stuck waking up every morning wondering what they are working toward and why school matters, being told one day they will hopefully graduate college and go off into the real world.

Perhaps we are at the point where I explain why this all pertains to me, and why anyone should care what I have to say on the subject. Growing up, I was the ultimate dreamer. I mean, any childhood dream to be had, was, and all by yours truly. I went through my princess phase (i think I still am, actually), and then after turning into a Kindergarten know-it-all, i realized I was going to be a ballerina. Third grade saw my cosmetologist phase, and fourth grade brought my big screen dreams. In middle school, I wanted to be a fashion designer, which was a bad idea from the beginning, so thank you Mom for not supporting that one! When I made high school cheer, I thought I could make a career out of that and be an NFL cheerleader. Tenth grade gave way to me becoming an aspiring photographer (no really, this was a good one), and high school concluded with me deciding I had the vocals enough to do something: Broadway, big screen, solo artist, all girls pop group (Hello Spice Girls cover band!), even backup! But alas, I went to school to become an educator. All the dreams i dreamt were sent to the graveyard to be buried until I had kids and could dream vicariously through them. 

Unfortunately, I didn't really explore these dreams. I knew my parents wanted me to be successful, but I knew they would not be able to fully support me in my artistic endeavors at the time, since most of them did not require me to attend a four-year university. All my life, my parents warned me I have freedom in all I do except the choice of attending college. The one thing I could see myself doing that wouldn't be terrible that I could go to a four-year uni for was teaching(everyone always told me I would make a great teacher one day)--looking back, I now know there were many options, but I had no way to work those out for myself in my 18 year old brain. I knew I would still get to exert my creativity in my classroom and I was always great with kids. My mother is an educator and I was excited to follow in her footsteps. College began and I was a History major, ready to teach history. I was so happy with my decision for about 5 months. I changed my major to general education so i could teach elementary school. I was genuinely happy with my decision. I couldn't wait until I got my own classroom and had the power to inspire young minds. These kids would be the first victims of my dreams dug up from beyond. I would let them know everyday that they could truly be whatever they wanted to be, if they never gave up. I truly believe that, but who would I be to tell hundreds of kids this over the years when i couldn't even follow my own dreams (which are at this point of my story is to be an event coordinator)? My senior year of college brought on a lot of doubt. I had a lot going on, but I was really depressed. I realized i had put a lot of money, time, and soul into an education i didn't want anymore. But alas, I pushed on, and at the end of the year, I moved to North Carolina, knowing I could teach anywhere. After moving, I didn't start work right away; I knew i would be entering a doomed future. 

This past February, I started teaching at a private daycare. Half my class was comprised of adorable fresh-faced kindergarteners, and the rest were pooled in from surrounding schools for the after school program. I felt so confused every day upon waking and upon sleeping. I absolutely adored these children, some of whom i still keep in touch with (their parents of course, I'm not a creep!). But I got burnt out absolutely way too quickly. Having spent about a fifth of my life learning what to expect when I finally begin teaching, I knew I would experience burnout; I had also learned ways to avoid it. No matter what I did or who I confided in, I could not get over the sinking feeling that i was wasting my time and the time of my employers and my students. After six months, I left to pursue my newfound ultimate dream: interior design.

Dreams instill a drive deep in the soul that gently warns us if we fail, we’re screwed, so we have no choice to succeed. To recognize and follow a dream has got to be one of the scariest and bravest acts a person can commit. Some people are lucky and have a multitude of supporters to call on when they are feeling a lack of drive, while others have a select few, if any, people they know they can count on. I unfortunately am one of the latter, which makes this whole process that much harder. 

Ultimately, i want everyone to know that dreams are truly 100% attainable! If Kate Middleton could become a modern day Cinderella, you CAN become a superhero! I know people who have succeeded the only thing they ever wanted, and those people are true visionaries, and are really out there. Maybe you won't have a straight path to fulfill your dreams, and maybe you will have to work a little harder than others, but once you're there, you can look back on all the haters and wave at them from the greener grass. But the key is having the strength to recognize what it is you want and finding the drive to succeed in your wildest dreams. The minute you know you're ready, go for it! Don't let anyone stop you, even if they carried you in their womb for nine months. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself, so you do you and let everyone else watch and learn.

Au revoir!

-T