I wrote this guide after hearing an argument not go very well once. I was inspired to help, and I hope this is good for some of you. I know a lot of people who could benefit from a new take on arguing.
Guide to Arguing Efficiently & Effectively
1.
Don’t Raise Your Voice
a.
Even if your counterpart raises their voice or
somehow provokes you to do so, your calm demeanor will set the tone for the
entire argument
b.
TONE IS EVERYTHING!
2.
Ask How the Other Person Would Solve the Problem
a.
Many times, this is a great way to bring an irrational
person back to sanity
b.
If your counterpart says they would handle the
situation in a way you know they wouldn’t, don’t accuse them of lying or tell
them “No you wouldn’t!” Instead, ask them more questions. This is how you get a
person who cannot easily empathize to do so.
3.
It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It
a.
I said it once, I’ll say it again, TONE IS
EVERYTHING! My parents always told me, “It’s not what you said, but how you
said it.”
b.
Check your tone before starting. Know how the
conversation could progress and warn yourself somehow to watch it throughout.
4.
Try Being Empathetic
a.
It isn’t easy. I know. There is NO WAY any one
person can 100% relate to another. Everyone is different so everyone handles
their situation differently. But still try. Take into account everything you
know about the person and let that be the factor into the advice or reaction
you give.
b.
Don’t tell someone, “Well when I went through
this…” and expect them to be grateful or receptive. When someone says that to
me, my thought is “Great, well when you dealt with this, your circumstances
were different.” Instead, try “Well I don’t know if this will help you but
maybe you could do this…” I promise you will get a much better reaction.
5.
Don’t Point Out the Other Person’s Flaws to
Justify Your Own
a.
The number one thing that I cannot stand is when
one person states a point that may be/seem like a flaw in a person, and is a
valid point in their argument, and the other person returns with an attack of
character. It does not help the argument and sets everything back. There is no
productivity in defensively pointing out someone’s flaws so don’t do it.
b.
When it is necessary to point out someone’s
flaws (and it is), do it in a way that shows you understand the reasoning
behind it. Say a person seems invasive in your life, understand that they may
be that way to try and stay relevant. Let this person know that you understand their
concerns for feeling left out, but maybe stepping back would do more good and
allow you room to reach out yourself. In no way did you tell a person anything
to tear down their character, but rather you attempted to improve it.
6.
Being Defensive Makes You Sound Guilty
a.
Think about it; someone who is guilty
automatically feels a need to say “No! I didn’t do anything wrong!” But in
doing so, it seems as if you might have. If someone does attack your character,
return it with an “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It may seem arrogant, but you
are remaining confident in yourself and your argument.
b.
My poor husband is such a great guy. He is
almost incapable of doing any wrong. But when someone accuses him, you’d better
watch out! He will defend his character like his life depends on it.
Automatically, it adds fuel to the fire and a person will wonder what made him
get so hyped to cover it up. No Bueno.
7.
Feelings Cannot Be Wrong
a.
You all know by now that I am very emotional and
I have anxiety. I cannot express how upset I get when someone says that I am
wrong for feeling a certain way. Did you know that you actually can’t NOT feel,
Elsa! Don’t feel guilty for your feelings. It’s okay that you feel a certain
way, just figure out why and what you can do about it!
b.
SHARE YOUR FEELINGS! Don’t hide your feelings
under accusations and verbal jibes. It only agitates your counterpart and
propels the argument or conversation backward. While it may SEEM weak, it is
really the opposite.
8.
Facts Help an Argument
a.
I cannot begin to tell you how powerful it is to
add facts to an argument. Let’s face it, arguments are usually purely based on
feelings (unless you’re arguing about a fact that you can’t remember right,
just look it up and close the argument). One person feels that they don’t get
enough attention, and the other feels they give plenty of attention. State the
facts.
b.
I said help,
I didn’t say win. Don’t to a whole
list of facts, drop the mic, and walk off. Like I said, an argument is based on
facts. Give your counterpart a chance to argue their case of facts and
feelings. If you quickly try to prove the other person wrong with facts and
then close it, you will seem insecure and nervous about losing.
9.
Be Prepared to Protect Your POV
a.
If you know a big storm is coming, protect yourself.
You know that if your husband has asked you to do something, and you didn’t get
it done, there is the potential of an argument. Start thinking about what you're
going to say.
b.
Be prepared to be wrong! If my husband asked me
to do something and I didn’t get it done, I would own up to it. If I didn’t have
a good reason, I would apologize and ask if he would still let me help him. I am
always prepared to accept that I can be wrong. I'm not perfect and that’s okay.
10. “Again”
is a Terrible Word Choice
a.
If you have to repeat yourself, don’t make it obvious!
That’s rude and uncalled for. Just do it! Your counterpart either didn’t hear
you the first time and will now react, or will know you are repeating yourself
for the sake of the argument and note it.
b.
If someone calls you out for repeating
something, let them know you know but you weren’t sure they did. A little
sassy, sure; they didn’t need to call you out.
11. Check Yourselves Before You Wreck Yourselves
a.
If things start to get a little heated, take a
break.
b.
Rationalize with yourself and think if you are
truly helping yourself, or if maybe you need to regroup and reorganize your
information. Coming back from a break means both parties come back with a clear
head and a fresh start.
12. Be
Firm & Flexible
a.
Similar to protect your POV, if you are sure on
your standpoint, be firm and hold to it. Don’t give in for the sake of ending
the argument or maintaining a relationship. Know what you want and get it.
b.
But don’t let your pride get in the way. Pride
is fuel for the argument. Pride will drive you to maintain your position, when
you know you are wrong. Be flexible in that you are able to concede when it is
time to do so. Know when you’ve been proven wrong and acknowledge it.
13. Don’t
Accuse or Point Fingers
a.
You are in an argument because somehow you are a
part of it (if you're not a part of it then see yourself out). It isn’t someone
else’s fault that you are arguing or
something happened. There is (usually) always a way you could have aided in the
prevention of anything. If you're upset with your spouse because he forgot to
pick up milk on the way home, you could have reminded him. “Well when I remind
him, he always has to point out that he remembers and I don’t have to nag.” If
that was really the case, he wouldn’t have said anything. When someone reminds
me of something I know I forgot, I may take that position, but only because I'm
too prideful to admit I truly needed that reminder. Admit your flaws and own
them.
b.
It isn’t your job to admit to someone else’s
flaws. You are no one to judge someone else. Everyone is aware of their flaws,
but they may choose to disown them. It isn’t your job to make them bring their
flaws out of hiding. If it is a flaw of theirs the argument is over, see point
5b.
14. You
Catch More Bees with Honey
a.
My mother always
reminded me of this growing up and it has really shaped me into the person
I am today. I find that so much more gets done when you show kindness and
mercy.
b.
I understand that is very hard to maintain a
level of class and kindness when a person is begging for your wrath. I am a half Mexican girl from Los Angeles.
I have seen the wrath of people and I have my own, and it is not pretty, but
curb it and use it when you need it.
15. DO
NOT Tell Someone They Are Irrational
a.
Oooooooeee. This is a doozy. I have been told a
few times I am irrational. My palm begins to twitch and I have to remind myself
that they don’t realize they basically asked to be slapped. But who do you
think you are to tell me that I am overreacting? You have no idea what a person
has been through to get them to the point they are at when you encounter them.
Sometimes, what you think is an overreaction is actually an under reaction, or
a person searching to maintain control of their feelings.
b.
Instead, note what is was you said or did that
really set them off, and continue. Later when there is a good moment for it,
ask why it affected them in such a way. Not only are you being understanding,
but you aren’t getting in a tangent argument about your counterpart being irrational.
c.
If someone calls you irrational, think about it;
maybe you are, maybe you're not. Decide if its worth it to defend yourself at
that moment, save it for later, or ignore it all together.
16. Force
an Angle into a Circular Argument
a.
Didn’t you just have this conversation? Why are
you having the same argument over and over? Because feelings haven’t changed,
only developed deeper. Think of a new angle or a way to gain perspective on
either side that would knock you out of that circle.
b.
If you feel that you are traveling that straight
path and your counterpart is the one going in a circle, think about what you
can do to bring them up to speed with you. They must keep missing your exit.
Stay patient and help them to see your POV from different angles!
17. Call
It Quits While You’re Ahead
a.
If you feel like you just argued your brains out
and you are your counterpart are in a good place, leave it! Note you're worn
out and you would like to end the conversation. Schedule a time to talk again,
and leave.
b.
If there has been no resolution to an argument
and you don’t see one coming for a while, but you and your counterpart are both
in a positive mood, leave. Don’t beat a dead horse.
18. Ask
Nicely
a.
I shouldn’t have to explain this. If you are
considering sarcasm when asking something, probably not a good idea. I am the
queen of sass and sarcasm in my circle of friends and acquaintances, but it isn’t
helpful in an argument. Neither is jealousy, anger, spite, or plain negativity.
b.
See point 14
19. You
Are Not the Center of the Argument
a.
Remember, there is always two sides. Even if someone
is calling you out for something you did, they are also thinking of the way it
affected them.
b.
If your counterpart is not letting you get a
word in edgewise, let them know when they are done you have something to say.
After, you may receive a snarky remark or an eye roll—their pride is saying
they know they're being long winded and they are mad they got called out.
20. State
Clear Expectations
a.
This is pretty important. If you don’t know what
you want out of an argument, there is no point in having it. With expectations,
you are able to move forward with a clear mind and a strong sense of direction.
b.
Expectations show your counterpart that you are prepared
and confident.
21. Don’t
Make Promises
a.
Promises made in the context of an argument may
seem forced or fradulent.
b.
You may actually not mean to even make a
promise, but you feel it would pacify your counterpart. Just don’t do it.
22. Be
Careful Giving Out Apologies
a.
Don’t apologize for the sake of apologizing or
because you feel that is what you are supposed to do. Apologize if you mean it.
23. Watch
Your Body Language
a.
Body language sometimes speaks louder than
words. If someone calls you out on your body language, dissect it and figure
out if you meant it or not. Don’t get mad at someone for calling you out on something
you did.
b.
Even if you're having a phone conversation, a
person may still be able to pick up on your body language because it could seep
into your tone.
24. Passive
Aggressive Leads to Nothing Productive
a.
Being passive aggressive may lead you into that
circle I mentioned earlier.
b.
You may not even realize you're doing it to
yourself. Just be direct, firm, honest, and kind, and you will be okay.
25. Talk
Less, Smile More
a.
Shameless Hamilton reference. But Aaron Burr has
a point. Sometimes it is better to limit your tongue and show off those pearly
whites. Just because you have something to say doesn’t mean you HAVE to say it.
If you are leading a war and building a country, maybe you don’t want to hold
back, great! But maybe in a small argument, you can exert some self control.
b.
But really, control yourself. The more you talk,
the more damage you can do. Think about what you're going to say before you say
it, and think about the most effective, shortest way you can say it. Just
because you're talking more, doesn’t mean you're saying more.
26. Say
What You Mean, Mean What You Say
a.
This is a rule I truly live by. I absolutely
hate when I see wives manipulate their spouses by saying something and meaning
something else. What is the purpose? Seriously ladies (it tends to be ladies
who do this more than men), just be real.
b.
Be intentional. I’ve been in the situation
before when I've argued with someone who I saw as much wiser and confident than
I; I was constantly feeling that I was inferior and I needed to really be sure
of any stance I took before starting an argument or he would start to call me
out and I wouldn’t be able to protect my POV. But it made me intentional with
every word I said. I always say what I mean and mean what I say.
27. Second-Guess
Yourself
a.
Sometimes, you're wrong. Own it, be a good
loser. Set a standard fro your spouse, children, friends, family, social media
followers, or your general entourage to follow. Make yourself someone who is a pleasant
person to argue with.
b.
Recognize that you aren’t all-knowing. Listen with
an open mind and accept the points someone else presents.
28. Set
Boundaries
a.
My therapist has told me that in phone
conversations, the best way to set boundaries is to hang up when you feel your counterpart
is overstepping a boundary you want to set. If you feel someone says or does
something out of place, or if you sense that they aren’t in a frame of mind for
a conversation conducive of a positive reaction, end the conversation if you
can’t call them out effectively and positively.
b.
This is your way of protecting yourself. You don’t
deserve ridicule, snarky remarks, condescending tones, or pure angst from
anyone. Protect your mental and emotional health and draw boundaries.
