On Finding Yourself When No One Is Looking

I recently started a journey of upheaval and chaos in my life. I am now on a search for happiness in which I am hoping to find and define myself. In the past three months, I have quit my job and decided to change everything about the direction my life was headed. The issue that caused me to step back and reexamine my life was that I was simply not happy. So now, I need to figure out what it is that would make me happy and I need to define my own happiness. In order to do that, I need to find myself. But how on earth and I supposed to find myself if I am the only one looking?

I lose things. Ask each and every friend I have and they will all recall how at least twice a day I say, "Where is my chapstick? I swear, I just had it. I put it down right here and now it is gone!" I know many of you are laughing because you know it is so true. It happens with all my things: my phone, my glasses, my chargers, hair ties, clothes. In all those instances, I can always call on someone for help. Now I have lost myself, and no one can help me find me. There is no "Find My iPhone" and I can't just check in my purse or under my pillow. I know that in order to find myself, I am going to have to search deep within my soul, and that is a scary place. Perhaps the reason I have put this off for so long is because I am scared of what I will find. In fact, I am positive that is the reason. Redefining myself isn't just about revamping my closet, sticking to one genre of music, or finally having favorites; redefining myself means looking at my soul straight on and asking myself what is important to me and what truly makes me feel happy, appreciated, important, and needed. What I find my answers to be may not fit in my life as it is. So I ask myself which is more important: comfort and security, or dream fulfillment and true happiness. No matter if I use my pathos or my logos, the answer is pretty clear. I know there are people out there, even within my family, who would rather feel safe and secure than risk everything they know for a dream. So maybe I have already begun to find myself, because I know the path I will pursue is that of dreams, happiness, and a serious issue of wanderlust.

Looking back through my life, I don't know that I ever knew who I was. I constantly adapted to my surroundings in an effort to fit in. I became so many different people, that I never even thought that I wasn't me. This is not going to be easy, and it isn't going to always be happy, but it is an adventure, and I know the end result will be me having no regrets for things I wish I had done. I am going to take risks (skydiving, anyone?) and I am going to have to take some leaps of faith. I am going to raise hell and create a certain kind of chaos. I am going to break social norms and I am certain I will do whatever it takes to make me...me. Because I am on my own on this one, and I don't do anything the easy way.

Adventures are waiting for me, and I am just as eager for them.

Au revoir.
-T

On Controlling Your Emotions

From a very young age, it was obvious to my parents that I was a very emotional child. I have anxiety, which I dealt with throughout my childhood, and I would feel for everything. It wasn't just that I cried a lot (though if you ask my sister, she will definitely say I was a crybaby), but that I cried for so many things. My mom is the similar; we both have a lot of feelings and we both feel deeply, often personally, even if it isn't logical. My dad is the opposite. He doesn't have a lot of feelings...or so I thought...

Somehow, by the grace of God, my dad learned to control his emotions. He definitely has them, and he definitely feels them, but he controls them. I am sure it has to do with his childhood, being the oldest son of two with a single mom. No matter, he is a straight up G. He taught me everything I know about controlling my emotions. He made me aware that I was emotional. He questioned me when I got emotional, so that my logos could fight through for balance. He would assign me Bible verses to study at a young age that had to do with self control (you know the one...fruits of the spirit...love, joy, peace...), controlling your anger, and wearing the armor of God. The best thing he ever did for me was teach me to think before I act. I heard that at least three times a week, if not once a day. He was always like, "What do I always say? Think..." My impatient seven-year-old self would retort, "I know, I know. Think before I act." I would follow that with an eye roll, to which he would say I probably didn't think that one through. He was right.

I learned and practiced how to feel something, and then logically think through what my next move would be. All my life, I have been practicing a careful balance of pathos and logos. Little did I know how much all the annoying phrases and verses would affect me as an adult. Here I am now, contemplating some very serious life-changing decisions, trying to figure out what is best for me. Were I to act purely on pathos, I would end up wondering why I made decisions without thinking. If I make a decision based on logos, then I will surely regret following my instincts, even if they didn't make sense at the time. 

Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have a superhero for a dad, or such a great role model for a mom, so they have to learn things the hard way. People make mistakes, and people have regrets. There is absolutely no reason to cry over your mistakes or question your choices. Absolutely everything that happens in life is a lesson. All experiences in a persons life shapes who they become.

So go out in the world! Live life. Make decisions based on your guts, the heart ones and the brain ones! Always learn from your experiences. But don't sit back and wonder. Dreams are so wonderful when you can pair them with action, otherwise they become nightmares. Go fly to the moon or sing on Broadway, but please be logical about it too. Like if you really can't sing, then don't sing on Broadway. Please.

Au revoir!

-T

On Starting Over

Starting over is absolutely the most terrifying thing in the world. Making the choice to give up something you already have that many would be grateful for, to pursue something completely out of your original realm of thought is daunting. You now all know that I have done just that. So let me tell you about the lifetime that went into making this decision.

From a young age, I've always been creative. I was more concerned about dressing my Barbies and decorating my Barbie Dream House than actually playing with the dolls. I would spend hours at the kitchen table full of whatever craft materials we had in the house (which was actually a lot) and make something out of nothing. I always loved coloring and writing. I suppose I should have seen from an early age that I was not meant for a normal career. My creativity matured as I did and became more defined. My family would always gather around the television Sunday night to watch Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Without fail, my favorite parts were when the children were questioned on their likes (for the design, obviously, so you had better make sure you said something good), and the final reveal. I imagined what I would say if I were in that situation. I knew better than to be too specific, because if I said I like horses, I might as well ask to live in a barn. If I said I like climbing trees, my room would be a tree! I imagined I would say I love Paris, or being creative. I knew I could get something good out of that. And I always loved the reveal of the parents rooms, the living room, or the kitchen more than the kids rooms. I understood the quality of a design and I enjoyed experiencing a new design. My dad and I often would stand in a new place--a home, a business--and analyze the design. Through all of this, I was never able to pinpoint exactly what it was I was doing. I had no idea that interior design was even a thing. It wasn't until college I was able to confirm and develop my hobby, and after college when I realized I could actually make my hobby my career. That meant I would officially alter career paths from education to interior design.

Now it isn't that I didn't like the kids, or the coworkers, or anything really. It is the simple fact that I knew deep in my heart that I was not pursuing my passion. I have seen passion in the workplace; passion belongs in the workplace. I decided I wanted to be passionate about my career. I wanted to sit in a bar and have someone ask me what I do, and immediately I would smile, because even thinking about work is joyful to me. So after putting time, money, and a lot of hard work into a career I no longer could see myself doing, I gave it up. I use the term "gave it up" after contemplating other phrases like "threw it away" or "wasted my resources", but I have no regrets. I will not allow myself to question decisions I make from the deepest part of my being just because I am afraid that I will have no support or that I will fail.

In all seriousness, those are very real concerns that I know I am going to experience. Pursuing my dream and starting over is going to force me to sacrifice a lot. If I fail, those who supported me will be let down and I will have to return to a career that i am capable of, but will never be truly happy doing. If I fail, I will have to admit to myself I was wrong. People will doubt me. I will be forced to explain my decisions to some people. I will continually be under scrutiny. But if I don't try, I will always resent whatever held me back. I am ready and willing and able...and I'm young! So why the hell not?

Amidst all of this, one cannot begin to question everything they believe in. I am on a path of starting over in my career, and with that comes the reinvention of myself. I am forced to face a lot of things in my life that I realize are not actually who I want to be. Let's just say I finally was able to pinpoint my personal interior design style, and it's eclectic bohemian...

This style, I now realize, reflects my personality. If this room was a person, it would be me. Except maybe with a Persian rug and darker wood. Let's just say that up until this point in my life, I thought my design style was very different...

So please bear with me while I start over, begin my adventure, and redefine myself. I will do my best to document my journey. I would love some company!

Au revoir.
-T

On Following Your Dreams

If someone were to open my yearbook from my senior year of high school, most messages concluded by reminding me to follow my dreams. I never thought much about it until now because it is a perfectly acceptable thing to wish on someone; why would anyone not want to follow their dreams? Dreams make you feel happy and hopeful. Not having a dream to achieve seems terribly depressing, as if there is no hope or happiness in life, no goal to work toward. What is the point of going though life without an ultimate goal that seems slightly unattainable, but knowing you can get there with enough hard work and dedication?

What no one told me is that dreams change. There are many reasons a dream can change and it happens to pretty much all of us. Every five year old dreams of being a superhero, a princess, or some other fictional character (but really one of my Kindergarteners wanted to grow up to be Elsa), which many adults condone because it’s cute at the time. But at what point does someone tell you that the chances of you becoming a pop star or Elsa are pretty much slim to none. These dreams are sent to some unseen graveyard by every child when they realize there is something they want that they cannot attain. Has anyone looked into the idea that maybe those attitude-filled adolescents are so mean is because they are at the point of realizing they need to figure out a real goal in life? Poor kids know that they won’t be the next Avengers character or Hannah Montana. They're stuck waking up every morning wondering what they are working toward and why school matters, being told one day they will hopefully graduate college and go off into the real world.

Perhaps we are at the point where I explain why this all pertains to me, and why anyone should care what I have to say on the subject. Growing up, I was the ultimate dreamer. I mean, any childhood dream to be had, was, and all by yours truly. I went through my princess phase (i think I still am, actually), and then after turning into a Kindergarten know-it-all, i realized I was going to be a ballerina. Third grade saw my cosmetologist phase, and fourth grade brought my big screen dreams. In middle school, I wanted to be a fashion designer, which was a bad idea from the beginning, so thank you Mom for not supporting that one! When I made high school cheer, I thought I could make a career out of that and be an NFL cheerleader. Tenth grade gave way to me becoming an aspiring photographer (no really, this was a good one), and high school concluded with me deciding I had the vocals enough to do something: Broadway, big screen, solo artist, all girls pop group (Hello Spice Girls cover band!), even backup! But alas, I went to school to become an educator. All the dreams i dreamt were sent to the graveyard to be buried until I had kids and could dream vicariously through them. 

Unfortunately, I didn't really explore these dreams. I knew my parents wanted me to be successful, but I knew they would not be able to fully support me in my artistic endeavors at the time, since most of them did not require me to attend a four-year university. All my life, my parents warned me I have freedom in all I do except the choice of attending college. The one thing I could see myself doing that wouldn't be terrible that I could go to a four-year uni for was teaching(everyone always told me I would make a great teacher one day)--looking back, I now know there were many options, but I had no way to work those out for myself in my 18 year old brain. I knew I would still get to exert my creativity in my classroom and I was always great with kids. My mother is an educator and I was excited to follow in her footsteps. College began and I was a History major, ready to teach history. I was so happy with my decision for about 5 months. I changed my major to general education so i could teach elementary school. I was genuinely happy with my decision. I couldn't wait until I got my own classroom and had the power to inspire young minds. These kids would be the first victims of my dreams dug up from beyond. I would let them know everyday that they could truly be whatever they wanted to be, if they never gave up. I truly believe that, but who would I be to tell hundreds of kids this over the years when i couldn't even follow my own dreams (which are at this point of my story is to be an event coordinator)? My senior year of college brought on a lot of doubt. I had a lot going on, but I was really depressed. I realized i had put a lot of money, time, and soul into an education i didn't want anymore. But alas, I pushed on, and at the end of the year, I moved to North Carolina, knowing I could teach anywhere. After moving, I didn't start work right away; I knew i would be entering a doomed future. 

This past February, I started teaching at a private daycare. Half my class was comprised of adorable fresh-faced kindergarteners, and the rest were pooled in from surrounding schools for the after school program. I felt so confused every day upon waking and upon sleeping. I absolutely adored these children, some of whom i still keep in touch with (their parents of course, I'm not a creep!). But I got burnt out absolutely way too quickly. Having spent about a fifth of my life learning what to expect when I finally begin teaching, I knew I would experience burnout; I had also learned ways to avoid it. No matter what I did or who I confided in, I could not get over the sinking feeling that i was wasting my time and the time of my employers and my students. After six months, I left to pursue my newfound ultimate dream: interior design.

Dreams instill a drive deep in the soul that gently warns us if we fail, we’re screwed, so we have no choice to succeed. To recognize and follow a dream has got to be one of the scariest and bravest acts a person can commit. Some people are lucky and have a multitude of supporters to call on when they are feeling a lack of drive, while others have a select few, if any, people they know they can count on. I unfortunately am one of the latter, which makes this whole process that much harder. 

Ultimately, i want everyone to know that dreams are truly 100% attainable! If Kate Middleton could become a modern day Cinderella, you CAN become a superhero! I know people who have succeeded the only thing they ever wanted, and those people are true visionaries, and are really out there. Maybe you won't have a straight path to fulfill your dreams, and maybe you will have to work a little harder than others, but once you're there, you can look back on all the haters and wave at them from the greener grass. But the key is having the strength to recognize what it is you want and finding the drive to succeed in your wildest dreams. The minute you know you're ready, go for it! Don't let anyone stop you, even if they carried you in their womb for nine months. You owe nothing to anyone but yourself, so you do you and let everyone else watch and learn.

Au revoir!

-T

On Being Me

Before I hit the world with my thoughts and dreams, I decided I should take some time and formally introduce myself. But then I realized, introductions suck! They're either boring, tedious, or common. So here are 15 quick facts if you ever encounter Tabitha and wish for a conversation starter...

1. I am an old soul. At the age of 23, I prefer tea to coffee, pen and paper to Microsoft Word, face-to-face conversation, and early nights in. 

2. There are four ways directly into the deepest parts of my soul: music, dance, wine, and books.

3. I don’t have any favorites. I have no favorite color, no favorite ice cream flavor, no favorite book, but I have preferences that change as quickly as the winds.

4. I don’t watch much TV, but I can watch movies all day, especially if they’re older classics. Audrey Hepburn is a goddess.

5. Design is everything! That is my life motto...not really, but it is a statement I truly believe. Everything is designed in some way, whether it’s the design to build your home, or your computer, or the design that was made for your clothing, or the ad that made you want to buy that clothing. I love the world of design, and I always pay close attention, especially to the design of Earth.

6. I lied. I do have a favorite. My favorite time of year is September 21-January 21. Do I need to justify this or can everyone agree that it is the best time of year?

7. I absolutely, unquestionably loathe and detest liars, the entitled, and bullies. 

8. I love to create anything: food, dessert, home decor, clothing, choreography. If I can create, there is no stopping this right-side-favoring brain!

9. Babies and the elderly are the most important types of people on Earth. Watching either of them can give you a completely new life perspective. 

10. Did I already mention books? Well, books are so important, they will be mentioned again. Have you ever gone into a bookstore and found the least populated, darkest corner to sit, open a new book, and smell the pages? If not, I promise it will be a life-changing experience. If my advice fails you and you feel that you have wasted your time, then you are too far gone you millennial robot and there is no helping you and your Kindle.

11. I find myself most at peace when I can put away my technology, get a large, comfy blanket, find a cozy armchair, and read. Tea in the morning or wine at night. There is nothing better.

12. I still take baths. And you can bet that it will be a candle lit bubble bath!

13. I’m an anxious, OCD, germaphobe. It’s unfortunate, but it’s who I am.

14. There are some things that exude romance simply by existing. Those are gentlemen who open your door, snow, and peonies. Always go for peonies. Don't settle for roses or gerber daises.

15. I don't believe in gender equality. I believe in freedom. Society has to work out what that means, as it has been for centuries. Give society a break. We are always breaking the norms, it comes with the territory of existing. It's called evolution. Anyway, why should women settle for equality?

I hope these facts were everything you hoped they would be. If you want to know more, all you have to do is ask. Do so anonymously, or let me know who you are and we can become friends. 

Au revoir,

-T

On Tumblr...

I am disappointed. I launched my new blog on Tumblr and waited for something to happen. Nothing happened! I am a very patient person, but when I have a feeling, I follow it, and I have a feeling I need a new platform. I am not a very technologically savvy person, so my blog is going to be #basic and I won't have super cool pictures or memes that people want to follow or reblog. All I have are my words, so I am changing platforms! I am beginning this new blog to see where it will take me. Maybe somewhere, maybe nowhere; either way its worth a shot. I don’t really know what I will write about, at least not until I get inspired. 

So here goes something! If you like it, read it, reblog it, comment, or do whatever your heart desires. If you don’t, then scroll on by. Just know that I’ll miss you!

Au revoir!

-T