On My Need to be Needed

Daxton is currently asleep in his crib in his room. It has just started pouring and there is a crazy amount of thunder and lightning outside. I woke Stephen up because I know he loves thunderstorms. He checked his radar and told me the storm isn't actually here yet, so it's going to get a lot worse ("hail likely"). I said, "Well he's going to wake up!" I keep checking the monitor and he hasn't moved. Why am I so frantically checking and wondering about him? He's slept through bad storms before and made it through tornado warnings. But I thought to myself how cute and sweet it would be when he's older and we have a storm and he rushes into our room because the sounds scare him and he needs us. How terrible that I'm actually excited for him to be frightened! But it's because I want him to need me.

We have just started the transition from Daxton sleeping in our room into his crib in his room. I know, judge me all you want for waiting to month six, but I love my baby and I want to keep him little forever. It's been hard. I have spoken with a sleep consultant and I didn't realize how badly my need to be needed was affecting him. When Dax would have a hard time sleeping, I would put him in bed with us (even though I adamantly preached against it) so I could nurse him and hold him close. I have grown to crave those times when he falls asleep in my arms and we can nap for two hours together. But the constant advised me that we needed to cut it out and be consistent, meaning no more naps with mom, at least until he gets a routine and understands sleeping in his crib. The consultant told me, "It is no longer your job to put him to sleep, but to teach him to sleep on his own and support him as he does." This really helped put me in the right mindset so I knew I was still needed. So Stephen and I planned on starting this process on a night before he was off of work incase it went absolutely terribly. Every morning leading up to that day, I spent loving D extra hard and keeping him in bed with me longer. These are my absolute favorite memories. I can't say it was great, but I can say it didn't go as badly as we expected. And each night since has gotten increasingly better. But he still wakes up because he needs love and comfort from us.

We will never not be needed. Actually, we will never not be desired. At this point, I don't NEED my parents, but I really, really need my parents. I truly, deeply wish that they were here, and not 2,000+ miles away. I would love for my mom to just show up and clean my house while I snuggled with D or my Dad to run errands for/with me. Being a new parent is hard and it would be so nice to have my parents. I will never stop needing them. At this stage in Daxton's life, he needs me intensely. He literally can't do anything on his own. He can feed himself, but he can't make his own food. He can move throughout the house, but he can't open doors. He can sleep, but he needs help getting there. After this phase of life, he will need me to teach him how to behave, how to be well-mannered and respectful. He will need me to guide him through his faith and figure out his passions in life. When he gets involved with sports and school and friends, he will need me to drive around. He will come to expect me to just do for him what he needs, but I will do it gladly, knowing he doesn't understand that I can choose not to drive him around, knowing that to him, that is my job. Eventually, he will be a teenager, and Lord knows he will need me, with those dimples and those eyes. It will be my job to teach him expectations and self-care. It will be mine and Stephen's job to teach him how to love and how to be loved. We will teach him the value of an education and encourage him to go to college, or at least some next level school to perfect what it is he wants to do. We will teach him to drive and he will then learn how time consuming it all was for us as parents to constantly cart him around. And when he goes to college, we will still be needed: laundry on weekends, meals when ramen is no longer edible, a place for his roommates to crash during the holidays. When he gets married, he will need us. He won't realize how unprepared he will be for marriage until after he is married (all you married people know what I'm talking about). And then when he has a baby, well as I said earlier, I really need my mom and dad. That's when I can share with him small lessons I learned as I was a new parent and how it really grows you and rewards you, despite the difficulties. And perhaps there will come a time when I no longer have anything to give, but I hope that he will then come to my aid, when I cannot stand by self or walk up stairs, or even when I just want to talk. I want to parent how God parents (my friend just pointed out God's parenting style to me). I want to be merciful and gracious and loving, but also allowing teaching moments so that my child will grow to be all I know he can be. And then one day, he will come to me realizing all I've done for him, all the times he should've listened to me instead of learning something the hard way, and I will just give him a hug and make him a meal. But even God wishes to be desired, to be needed, which is why He gave us free will, so we could CHOOSE to love him and turn to him. God rejoices in our prayer because we are recognizing that we need his help. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be needed, I just don't have to be excited for the difficulties my children will ultimately face because I know that I will always be needed.

On Tummy Time

For as long as we've put Daxton on his tummy, he has hated tummy time. At first, I thought it was because he had gas issues, but now I'm pretty sure it's because he is so observant that he hates being constrained. I know he needs tummy time for proper development, so I have done whatever I could to allow us all to tolerate it a little longer. I lie down with him, use the Boppy, turn him over and back, give him toys and teethers, lay him on a surface that is fun to look at, but nothing has worked until today. I realized that my child is very smart and loves learning and watching new things. I realized I needed some sensory activities he could do during tummy time. I had seen grabbing baskets before, but I knew he would just end up chewing on everything. I looked on Pinterest to find some, and I found an awesome website with great activities for all ages and issues (http://www.candokiddo.com/news/tummy-time-tips).

Water Play
I wish I had thought of this on my own, but I cannot take credit. I had a small sheet pan I filled halfway with water and I added two rubber ducks. He LOVED this! I planned on the water getting all over the place, so I set the tray on the hardwood and set the Boppy at the edge of the rug so that his body would be on the soft rug. Sure enough, water was EVERYWHERE, but I quickly cleaned it up with the Swiffer and my husband never even knew the mess that had been there. I didn't plan, however, for him to be able to move the sheet pan, and I especially didn't think he would pick it up. I'm telling you, this kid surprises me everyday with his knowledge and strength. Anyway, the mess was intensified by the water sloshing over the edge so that there was barely any left. But he had so much fun playing with the water! I will definitely do this again, just maybe with a bigger or heavier water container.

Texture/Temperature Play
Peas! Who knew peas would be so fun. I filled a Ziplock freezer bag with frozen peas and taped it to the floor (using painter's tape of course!). Again, the peas were on the hardwood for when the condensation pooled under the bag, and he was on the rug with the Boppy at the edge in between. This one didn't last as long, and I definitely thought he would love this one. He wasn't opposed, but he was frustrated that he couldn't put the bag in his mouth (plastic + baby's mouth = nothing good). I still have the peas in the bag so I will try this again, but this wouldn't be a go to.

Books
It saddens me when babies rip up and chew on books, but today I let it happen. I definitely want to teach Daxton to respect literature of any type, and he has books specifically for his drooly mouth, but today I let him go at it. He seems to love holding, opening, and closing books, and that makes this bookworm mama's heart so happy. He has an overflow of books, I literally have no more room! Any chance I can give him to find joy in books is something I can get behind.

So that was today's adventures in tummy time. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I will be sure to make it public knowledge what works and what doesn't. I love exploring self-guided play time, not because I am a lazy mom, but because I know I won't be able to hold onto him forever, and I want to ensure that he is as good alone as he is with others (because he is great with others!). And all babies are different! What works for one may not work for another.
-T

On Redecorating My Life

What a year it has been! I honestly can say I have been through the ringer. I was so unprepared fro motherhood. Hubby and I have had tremendous financial issues (the latest being how much we owe in taxes, even after having a baby!). I have had to deal with having a beautiful and perfect baby away from my friends and family. My anxiety has been at an all time high and my therapist has been on maternity leave! I still haven't technically been cleared to work out again due to medical issues postpartum. Hubby and I have been tested in our marriage due to all these issues. As soon as we feel like we have made it through a storm, another comes along. I have read the book of Job twice since December, trying to make sense of the testing God is putting us through. I feel like every proclamation of faith I make brings forward another problem. I know it is the enemy trying to discourage me and my family, but how long is he going to bully me! He went after Jesus 40 days in the desert; it's been 5 months! Satan, you cannot get to me so leave me alone! I have an incredible tribe of support in the way of friends, family, and a church community straight out of my dreams. I know our lives could be so much worse. I thank God that we have a roof over our heads, running water, food in our bellies, clothes on our back, diapers on our booty (for the babe who needs them), shoes on our feet, smiles on our faces, love in our hearts, and faith in our souls. I pray everyday that Daxton knows how loved he is.

Due to these ever growing feelings and emotions, I have recognized the need to redecorate. Before baby, I was really into the boho eclectic vibe. We had really awesome pieces throughout the house and really rich color palettes. We had a beautiful duvet my mom got us for Christmas from Urban Outfitters (it's no longer listed online but its so nice) that was red and brown with hints of purple. I had red throw pillows throughout the house and sought out dark wood pieces. After baby, I needed to completely redecorate the apartment (I just need to talk about how much I love our little apartment; if I could have this layout with one extra bedroom as a house I would be so happy!). In early March, I purged the apartment. I let so many items go and I regret nothing. It felt so amazing. That weekend, we sold our dark couch and bought a white one with blue and yellow stripes. I kinda wanted to get a white slipcover, but I have really come to like it as is. We now have a white duvet cover and the beautiful one is in the trunk, waiting for a home in our future guest room. We sold the desk we had been using in our bedroom (because I didn't want to get rid of it) since we put our dresser in D's nursery for a changing table. We got a new dresser and its a beautiful mid-century modern piece with a medium wood finish. I got rid of my beloved Safavieh grey suede studded bench and found an awesome vintage leather chair my grandfather would have loved that I used to create a serene nursing corner in my bedroom. I even got rid of some books! I really need a boho minimalist feel in my home to help with my anxiety. I feel immeasurably better when I look around the house. The rich colors and large pieces made the place feel messy, even when it was clean. Now, I look around and feel a sense of peace. I am waking up in a better mood each morning. It may be a strange thing to say, but God has provided so much in this redecorating journey. The chair I mentioned fro the nursing corner was a find from Habitat for Humanity. Stephen and I went 5 minutes before closing and I spotted it right away, sat on it and said, "This is it!" I looked at the price tag and it read $10! The dresser was from our third thrift store of the day, and right as we were going to leave and call it quits, I saw it on the way out. It was only $50. I scored two wood accordion racks, one for $5 and one for $1. I have gotten so lucky with finding beautiful baskets and throw pillows. My sister bought us the most gorgeous hand woven Indian throw pillows (another Habitat find). I have realized that less is more; when Stephen and I first got married and moved in together, I was so ecstatic to begin decorating. I had never had my own place before and I had always shared a room with my sister. I finally got to do my own thing. I didn't really know what my own thing was. I tried out so many interior decorating styles and now I have finally settled. What really helped me was looking at interior design styles on Instagram. On Pinterest, once I start looking into one style, that's all they show me. On Instagram, I can browse through a diverse selection of styles. I definitely found the most joy when I would look at white, bright, natural looking places. I know that is the "in" thing and its super trendy, but I also know who it makes me feel and how it affects my anxiety. Redecorating during a rough financial time isn't easy, but I'm so frugal that I probably wouldn't have spent much more than I have anyway. I have definitely made more by selling pieces and getting lucky by finding replacement pieces that are super inexpensive. My next project is painting our chest white, but I have no idea when I will have the time! Someone please come take my baby so I can paint!

On Continual Growth

Tonight, as I was putting Daxton to bed, I wondered if he is going to sleep well tonight. Last night, he slept until 4:30 and Stephen and I were ecstatic, hoping we had made it through the worst part of the sleep regression. I jokingly told Stephen it was our reward for giving time to the church for Good Friday when we could have had a family day instead. Tonight I thought, "Maybe there was something to that comment and maybe he will sleep well tonight because I served again and I'm really feeling the power of the Lord". But how silly is that; I am not serving because of the benefits or rewards, I am serving because I want to connect with others and grow in my faith. As I laid D down, I heard God remind me, "It isn't going to be easy." If I continue to look for ease or comfort, I will never be challenged, so I will never grow. Life is about continual growth. Earth experiences challenges every year. During winter, trees lose their leaves and grass is browned. But once spring comes, we see how the earth grows again out of it's challenges; a beautiful cycle set forth by the Creator. Winter is not easy for many, but come spring, we are able to see such wonderful rebirth. As a parent, we will face challenges, dry season, and a lot of storms, but the beautiful growth we will see in our children is such a magical thing. All our challenges, all our struggles, will bring forward some type of growth. It may not be something tangible, it may not be something big, it may not even be soon-God's timing will always trump our own-but it will happen. During your storms, pray for growth and pray for patience. Give God a chance to work in your life and you will be amazed with the outcome!

On the Easy Way

Daxton is going through a sleep regression. It gets worse each night. Where he was waking once throughout the night, or not at all, he is now waking 2+ times a night. He is waking up earlier every morning, and I have had my first migraine in a very long time today because of my lack of sleep. We have been trying to transition out of our Ollie swaddle for weeks, but he moves so much and wakes himself up that we are missing out on vital sleep. I have been praying every night during these wake periods that God would put a peace on his heart that would allow him to sleep longer. Another Insta mama wrote a post that perfectly summed up why my prayers won't be answered how I want them to. I am praying for the easy way. I am praying for God to take the challenge out of motherhood. I have grown in every aspect of my life since welcoming my little babe and the growth will never stop. These regressions are challenging me to be a more patient mama. I am being prepared for the late nights when he is out with his friends after a football game or when he isn't even home because he's away at college. Nothing God does is easy. He sent His son to death, surely a difficult task. Jesus willingly gave himself up for death, knowing how difficult that was. The resurrection is such a difficult thing to base a faith on. As Christians, we are told that a man died (normally an event of finality) and woke up three days later and skipped out of his grave. We are asked to believe and profess this event to the ridicule of many. We are asked to remain steadfast through the challenges of Christianity. It's not easy, but it makes us stronger, makes our faith stronger, makes our community stronger.

Tonight at our Good Friday experience, Wade Joye said that we can get so caught up in our struggles that we lose sight of what God is doing in our lives. As I write this, Daxton has fallen asleep on me with his head on my shoulders. He hasn't fallen asleep like this in a long while and I didn't realize how much I've missed it. My prayer will become a request for God to give me strength and patience to set an example for my baby boy. I will praise God for the extra moments we get of sweet smiles and coos. I will praise God for a healthy baby boy who is beyond perfection and cherish the lessons I learn in the challenges.

On the Tongue Tie

Dax got his tongue tie clipped today. I was by myself and there was blood. It was such a hard thing to do as a mom, watching my child purposely be put in pain, knowing I could stop it. To top it off, I am really not good with blood. I was forced to get a little better because of pregnancy, but I still got so anxious when Daxton got his shots last Monday. I knew I would be a wreck if he had to get his tie cut, so I told myself and my family that if he did, I would schedule it separately so Stephen could be there with me. That didn’t happen.

When I got there (the facility was super modern and clean), I checked in and filled out a medical history (for his short 4 months of life). It took a while for us to get called back. I wish I had spent that time preparing my mind to be strong for D, but I was so adamant that I wouldn’t do it. When we went in, the nurse asked a bunch of questions and told me how her daughter had to have her tongue tie cut. She said she was nervous too and had left the room. She told me the doctor would not recommend getting it cut if he truly did not think it needed to be done. She had worked there for a while and had seen a lot of appointments go with ways. She showed me the tools he would use if he did end up doing the procedure. When the doctor came in, I had just put Daxton to sleep. He was so tired already and I knew he would be so grumpy upon waking up. So I woke him up, he fussed, the doctor looked at his tongue, he fussed a lot more. After maybe 45 seconds, he said to me that he could cut it quickly and right away. I was a little taken aback…well a lot! He suddenly is explaining to me the process and only looked at my baby for a minute and is ready to literally cut him! I barely had a chance to register everything. I asked if he thought it was bad enough to get it done or mild enough that it wouldn’t affect him. He said he would definitely recommend it get cut, since we had had breastfeeding issues previously. The whole point of this appointment was to see if a specialist thought his tie should be cut. I had my answer! My husband and I had been talking about cutting his tie for so long, we had already decided that if the doctor thought it should be cut, it would be. The doctor explained to me that he had had his tongue clipped way back when by his dad who was also a surgeon. He said it was painful for a bit but he was fine. He said he would put a numbing agent on the area and he wouldn’t even feel it. I asked if I could reschedule for tomorrow so my husband could be there. The look he gave me said to me that he thought I was weak. I realized I wasn’t being strong for my baby. Daxton and I will have a lot of times when he gets hurt or needs shots and I will be the one who has to handle it. I can’t always be squirmy and hide in the corner. I want Daxton to know he can count on me for anything. I imagined him falling and getting really hurt and needing me but hesitating because he knows i would be queasy. It would kill me for my child to feel that I cannot provide the kind of support they need, no matter how I feel. I realized I needed to put aside my fears and man up to be the person I want my child to admire and count on. So I said, “No, I can do it”. He asked if I was sure and I said “Yes, I am sure.” He asked me if I wanted a nurse to hold him or if I wanted to. Again, I wanted to, but I knew that I may not hold him the way the doctor would need and the nurses would have done it before and be much better than I would. The doctor said they always recommend nursing/feeding the baby immediately after the procedure, so I was ready. I put aside my wants and fears and stayed strong for my baby. It was over in 60 seconds. He cried terribly, but because he hates being forced to not move. He cries like that when I clip his nails. He bled a little. It got on his paci and on his pants. We went into the other room and I nursed him for a while. He fell asleep. He was fine. I did’t tell anyone what happened until I was nursing him and I finally had a minute to process everything. But wow, I was so proud of myself. I realized if I could do this, I could be there for D. As we were walking to the car, I realized I would get to tell him this story one day and tell him how I conquered my fears because I wanted to be a stronger person for him. When I put him in the car, he was all smiles. 

Daxton is now sticking his tongue out and is still nursing like a champ. I am not nervous that his teething would mess with our nursing process. I really feel like I made the right choice. The way it happened was a little out of my comfort zone, and I hate that my husband wasn’t with me, but I feel this was truly something that needed to happen. And what a bonding moment for mom and baby. I am glad I made the choice to cut it so he wasn’t a toddler dealing with speech issues and having to experience this issue when he is much more aware. Or he could be an adult who wishes he had had it cut. I’m dealing with a lot of self-doubt about the situation, even though I am sure of my decision. I would love to hear some stories and get some support from mamas who have also dealt with this!

Anyway, today resulted in a lot of cuddles…

On Maintaining Family Traditions

Yesterday was another busy day; I literally FORGOT to blog! As I sit down to type out my daily excursions, I realize every day just how much I try to get done. I'm going to take a day off pretty soon and just love on the babe. But yesterday was also an important day, so I digress. 

We went on a mile and a half walk in the morning inviting people to Easter at Elevation. We spent five hours deconstructing, packing, and sending Stephen's family heirloom cradle, I volunteered at church for the next four hours while Hubby and Bub spent some quality time together. And finally one of my closest friends/mentors arrived after a very long drive from WV. 

The important part of the day was the whole cradle scenario. Such a wonderful chapter of our parenting journey has come to an end. Stephen's family has a cradle that all the kids on his mom's side of the family have slept in. Daxton was the 12th baby to continue this tradition. We were so excited when we got the cradle. It got a prime spot in our bedroom. We set it up so carefully and perfectly. My MIL bought extra organic fitted sheets and I handmade (for the first time ever) a fitted sheet for the mattress pad. There are plaques on the cradle declaring which children have slept in it and their dates of birth. I would stare at my husband's name and imagine my son's name joining his eventually! When we came home from the hospital with Daxton, we couldn’t wait to put him in the cradle. At this point, it is important to remind and reinforce readers that Dax was born 10 pounds and was already rolling to the sides (because he moved so much and was so strong!). When we walked in the door, Stephen gave Daxton a home tour (I will share that video eventually), and at the end of the tour, Stephen laid Daxton in the cradle. Once Stephen let go of him, D rolled over, the cradle got rocky, and it really seemed like it would swing so much D would fall out. Now, obviously we knew that wouldn’t happen, but it was still scary how Daxton was rolling over but not rolling back. Once we figured out sleeping habits and routines, we knew he preferred to be at an angle and he slept longer if he was being held or rocked. We used the Rock N Play because it met all his sleeping needs, which was really important because he was sleeping terribly, so mom and dad were sleeping terribly, too! At two months, we had gotten a Dock A Tot, a good swaddle, and learned that Daxton is actually pretty resilient, so we tried the cradle. It worked! He slept great flat and not being rocked. Stephen and I were so emotional and happy that we could claim our child had slept in there as well. 

A few weeks after Daxton was born, we found out Stephen’s cousin and his girlfriend were expecting. We were so excited; their baby was due in a month and we said how cool it would be that both their kids would be so close in age. Then we realized this meant the cradle was needed elsewhere. We thought we would have more time with it. I had thought that when Daxton started walking and playing he might puts his stuffies in their for their “nap”. I had imagined it becoming a staple in his nursery and I could show him his Daddy’s name on the plaque. It was such a bittersweet moment to be so happy and sad. He was already so used to his sleeping habits (rocking, incline) that we couldn’t change it at this point when he was just starting to sleep so well. So we held on to the cradle as long as we could. I made sure to take pictures when I could (usually the lights are off and he’s asleep when he’s in it). Now, we just have to hope that we can have our next baby (not for a long time!) sleep in it from the beginning and we won’t take advantage of it like we had. 

On Our Co-Sleeping Story

What a controversial topic! I think it is important to define what co-sleeping actually is. There are different ways a parent can co-sleep with their baby: same bed, separate/extended surface like bedside sleepers, and same room, separate surface. I am not talking about having baby sleep in bed with you, because I agree with the big guys who declare it unsafe (besides the possibility of rolling into your baby, adult mattresses are made very differently than infant mattresses to provide proper spine and body growth and development. Also, comforters, pillows, sheets, even mama hair all pose a threat to baby). I define co-sleeping as baby sleeping in the same room as his parents.

For the first two months of his life, Daxton slept in the rock n play because he preferred the upright position and he wasn't able to roll around(because he was already turning into his side from day one!). Then, at two months, we put him in the DockATot in an heirloom cradle (post about that coming at you on Saturday) that my husband slept in when he was a baby. Four months was our original goal for co-sleeping because that is when the risk of SIDS lowers significantly. We've now reached that point and we seriously don't want to end co-sleeping yet!

Daxton turned 4 months one week ago. We are going to be sending the heirloom cradle on to the next family baby, so we didn't have a place for Dax to sleep in our room. We don't want to regress if we can help it and keep him in the rock n play (with his length and weight, in pretty sure he can't use it anymore), so my MIL bought us a Moses basket (anyone have a stand I can use?) so that we still have the option of keeping him in our room. But Stephen and I were so sure if loving him into his room. We thought it was developmentally appropriate and we didn't want to hinder his growth. After we spent so much time putting together his nursery, we want to make sure it gets a lot of use. But in reality, WE aren't ready. Stephen and I don't want to get up and walk all the way across our home to give him his paci when he loses it twice at night. And what if his breathing monitor goes off and we don't hear it? How long will he have to cry until we wake up and tend to him. Really, he only wakes up once at night, and promptly goes back to sleep, but he would be so far from us.

So I felt I was the one really pushing for D to transition into his room and I could tell Stephen was just going along with what I said. Last night I asked him regardless of what I think, is he ready to transition D? He said he wants to give it another month. So we now have an open ended co-sleeping plan and that really makes my soul happy.

Here are some links for articles/info pages I found helpful and informative regarding co-sleeping:
http://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/cosleeping/
http://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/
https://www.thebump.com/a/myths-and-truths-about-co-sleeping
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes
http://www.cosleeping.org

-T

On Super Powers

I must think I have super powers; I spent today running around trying to get what felt like a million things done! We had moms group at the park, a Target trip (duh), a chiropractor appointment, a stop by the post office, and a grocery trip (mama scored on those organic deals!). After all this, we still went on a nice walk. I am so exhausted! Why do I push myself so hard like this? I really need to stop because it all hit me pretty hard today.

I had another anxiety spout. This one was similar to one I had about a week ago. It hit me out of nowhere: first I felt exhaustion, then I felt like my muscles over-relaxed, then I felt jittery and my hands were shaking. I lost my appetite and felt so tired like I could pass out anywhere. I feel like these are the after effects of a strong feeling of what Holly Golightly and I call "the reds". "The reds" are when you're afraid, but you don't know what you're afraid of. I felt like previously to this both of these anxiety episodes. Except today, I know what I was afraid of.

I love music and I love dancing. Today, D and I were listening to "From the Ground Up" by Dan + Shay. I was holding him, singing to him, and dancing around our living room with him. As I sang, I started to cry. I don't know how to watch my baby grow up. I just want to pause time and keep him in my arms forever. I hate that there is nothing I can do besides take pictures and videos to remember this moment. I feel like my anxiety makes my mind so clouded that I forget so many things! Of course I remember big things, but will I remember all the times he smiled at me, or when his eyes light up when I tell him good morning, or how he used to fall asleep on me all the time. Will I remember all the things that make him laugh? How on earth am I supposed to be happy that he is growing up if I want him to stay this age forever. As I'm typing this, he is getting older and I just want to hold him so tight as if that will make time stand still. I began to think of my childhood and how hard it must have been for my parents to watch my sister and I grow up. My parents did such a good job raising us and creating a loving home. I have such wonderful memories and I would love to tell anyone who asks about how lucky I am to have had a perfect childhood. I used to think that if I didn't have a special story or tragedy in my life that I wasn't important (thanks to shows like The Voice where EVERYONE has something to make them "different"). But I realize that I am so blessed to have grown up with both my parents and my sister in our little home. I want to give that to Daxton to and I am so scared that I will do something wrong (this is an anxiety thing and though it is nice, I do not need encouragement on this because I already know "every mom makes mistakes," and "don't be so hard on yourself," and "every family is different," etc. I am just thinking 'out loud'). I realized the immense pressure I have put on myself to try to make sure I am as good of a parent to Daxton as my parents were for me. I know she doesn't mean it this way, but when my mom says, "Well with you guys..." or "When I did __ this way...", I question and doubt myself. I have a high standard to meet and I want the best for my child. So naturally, this sent my mind into a craze imagining all that I want to give my child, and I think coming down from that caused my body to react physically. I have been dealing with the shaking hands for a while, and I realized that I really need to go back to my therapist. I made an appointment for two weeks out, so look forward to that!

Well, I am seriously emotionally exhausted from the day. D is bathed and asleep (how cute is he in this towel from Grandma and Grandpa which really brings out his eyes), so mama needs to get to sleep, too. Here's to a new day tomorrow!
-T

On a Big Day!

What a day! So many exciting things happened and I'm just loving life! 

First, my teething, regressing 4 month old slept about 9 hours! If you read the article I included in my previous post (http://thebringitonmom.blogspot.com/2017/03/on-gods-hidden-blessings.html?m=1), you know the cause of this 4 month sleep regression is basically that your child thinks they're well rested when they wake up between sleep cycles. Daxton has always been a rockstar at connecting his cycles. I remember when we were still in the hospital, he had fallen asleep and my whole family was in the room. We heard him start to stir so we all froze and looked to see if he was waking. I watched him connect his sleep cycles for the first time at that moment and I'm sure my dad thought I was being dramatic in my excitement, but what a special thing! Anyway, last night, he fell asleep around 9:30. He started to wake between cycles twice, my husband gave D his paci, and he was back to sleep in seconds. He finally woke up at 6:30! I thought he was up for the day, but I still wanted to see if he would sleep more. He went back to sleep from 6:45-8:30! How awesome and crazy is that. 

Thank God I had all that sleep because I had two babies to care for today. One of my friends has a son exactly 2 months younger than D so they're obvs BFFL's. I got to take care of him and we had a whole day to hang out. It was so fun to get the boys together! Last night I asked Stephen, "Am I crazy for agreeing to take on two babies tomorrow?" He answered, "Yes!" I said, "Okay. What would you have done?" He replied, "Say yes!" It was such a blast, but of course there were some obstacles. D's BFF has 4 siblings, so he is used to sudden and loud noises. Daxton is an only child in a small apartment and is super jumpy! Daxton cried every time his friend cried(but not the other way around!). We went on a walk and carrying the two was definitely a challenge, but I crushed it! I wrapped that little baby and carried Dax downstairs. I put Dax in his stroller and we went on our merry way. All in all, it was a success and I got some super cute pics to prove it! 

While I was taking care of two babies, I had to juggle feeding them. D is still nursing like a champ, so that added and extra challenge. I've been using a nipple shield to nurse because Dax and I have both dealt with some issues making breastfeeding extremely difficult. I was a wreck the first month of his life trying to figure out how to make it work. I was so ready to give up, and just resorted to depending on the shield. I hate using that thing because it's such a hassle; putting it on and making sure it stays on, cleaning it, remembering to bring it with me where ever I go. Today, I thought Daxton wasn't going to nurse at all. He wouldn't turn to eat, he wouldn't latch, he just wasn't having it. Anxiety took over my mind (God kept my soul at peace all day and I was anxiety free, save this moment in my mind) and I thought of the worst case scenario: that Daxton wouldn't want to nurse or eat all day and I would have to figure out how to pump as well as taking care of the two babies. Amidst the feeding chaos, Daxton nudged the shield off with his cheek and latched on shield-less. This in itself wasn't such a miracle because he has gone without here or there, but usually not for long. He spend this entire nursing session without! Then again later. And yet again and again and again! I am so happy I never gave up on breastfeeding and I am so hopeful in continuing to breastfeed!

The last big thing to bless us today was our new exersaucer! Grammy bought D an activity center for our big guy who loves to stand and stomp his legs! Fun turn of events, this mama set it up with very little help from Daddy! He was having a blast! He figured out so much so quickly: the turning, the standing, the grabbing, the buttons. He even moved pieces on the bendy thing (I don't know a better way to explain it). We loved watching him and I'm pretty sure this will make our lives a million times easier! I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds!

-T