On Anxiety and Introversion

Y'all, I hate being an introvert. I want to be the person to start conversations or join in one. I hate sitting on the sidelines observing others chatting away. But that's what I am: an observer. Because of my empathy, I find it overwhelming to talk to so many people, so I observe. Because of my introversion, I am exhausted after being surrounded by a large group, but I don't mind. Because of my anxiety, I'm constantly questioning what I want to say or what I did say. I am the kind of person who will be anxious over something I said that I thought was weird for days. I will ask myself why I say or do things that can be construed as creepy or weird or annoying and chastise myself for continuing to do so. What that leaves me with is nothing to say.

This week, I have found myself in multiple situations that call upon my above flaws. I feel these things over social media as well. If I message someone that I don't have their number and they don't give it to me, I think they obviously don't want to interact with me. I will reach out to moms on Instagram and if they don't reply, I question if I came on too strong. IRL I hate walking around large groups of people basically waiting for a conversation I can join in and I just seem to be lurking. And the worst is when you're talking to someone and someone else comes to talk to them and they start having a conversation completely irrelevant to you so you just turn around and kind of disappear.

What it boils down to is my brain. That sounds weird but let me explain. My thoughts run at 160 miles/minute. As I am in these social situations, I remember times that I've embarrassed myself or heard of an embarrassing situation and I try to avoid that. I think back to 3rd grade when I was told at a sleepover that I was too loud, so I try and speak quietly. I think back to Kindergarten when I was told, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all," which I've translated to, "If you don't have something constructive to say, don't say anything." I think back to sometime in elementary school when I tried to tell my church leaders I had a wedgie but said "hickey" for some reason, and they obviously gave me a weird look. I think back to every whisper in my direction, every strange look, every denied text or turned shoulder, and I get anxious. My husband and I have a routine that when we go out, he is the ice breaker and I hit the home run. It's not that I won't talk, I'm just too nervous to start the conversation. So Stephen will introduce us, do the small talk (oh, the agony!), find some common ground which is when I step in and knock stout of the park. But he isn't home a lot so I find myself growing in situations I'm sure are a million times worse in my head, but I have no one to ground me. Another part of this feeling is this generation. We are so used to instant gratification that we freak out when someone doesn't answer our text within 5 minutes. I know my love language is Words of Affirmation, and I need people to verbally quell my anxieties and fears in order to stop them. If I make a big purchase and I'm nervous about Stephen's reaction, the minute he blows it off or justifies it, my heart stops pounding and I can breathe again. When I get verbal feedback on my work, I am always so relieved to at least know what the other person is thinking. Anytime I'm asked which superpower I would want, I always say to read people's minds. I wouldn't need to fish for verbal confirmation. I hate fishing, but I don't have the confidence to ask outright if someone could help me get a job or to tell me how my work is improving.

Even now as I type, I am wondering if I should even continue this post. I ask my self what the purpose is for typing this. Am I even going to publish it? Sometimes I just have to do it. I just have to suck it up and start a conversation. Sometimes I have to bite the bullet and make the difficult phone call (anyone else have a hard time talking to some people on the phone?). So I hope this crazy mess of word vomit can help someone somehow just know they're not alone. If anything, it was a nice venting session.

On the Tongue Tie

Dax got his tongue tie clipped today. I was by myself and there was blood. It was such a hard thing to do as a mom, watching my child purposely be put in pain, knowing I could stop it. To top it off, I am really not good with blood. I was forced to get a little better because of pregnancy, but I still got so anxious when Daxton got his shots last Monday. I knew I would be a wreck if he had to get his tie cut, so I told myself and my family that if he did, I would schedule it separately so Stephen could be there with me. That didn’t happen.

When I got there (the facility was super modern and clean), I checked in and filled out a medical history (for his short 4 months of life). It took a while for us to get called back. I wish I had spent that time preparing my mind to be strong for D, but I was so adamant that I wouldn’t do it. When we went in, the nurse asked a bunch of questions and told me how her daughter had to have her tongue tie cut. She said she was nervous too and had left the room. She told me the doctor would not recommend getting it cut if he truly did not think it needed to be done. She had worked there for a while and had seen a lot of appointments go with ways. She showed me the tools he would use if he did end up doing the procedure. When the doctor came in, I had just put Daxton to sleep. He was so tired already and I knew he would be so grumpy upon waking up. So I woke him up, he fussed, the doctor looked at his tongue, he fussed a lot more. After maybe 45 seconds, he said to me that he could cut it quickly and right away. I was a little taken aback…well a lot! He suddenly is explaining to me the process and only looked at my baby for a minute and is ready to literally cut him! I barely had a chance to register everything. I asked if he thought it was bad enough to get it done or mild enough that it wouldn’t affect him. He said he would definitely recommend it get cut, since we had had breastfeeding issues previously. The whole point of this appointment was to see if a specialist thought his tie should be cut. I had my answer! My husband and I had been talking about cutting his tie for so long, we had already decided that if the doctor thought it should be cut, it would be. The doctor explained to me that he had had his tongue clipped way back when by his dad who was also a surgeon. He said it was painful for a bit but he was fine. He said he would put a numbing agent on the area and he wouldn’t even feel it. I asked if I could reschedule for tomorrow so my husband could be there. The look he gave me said to me that he thought I was weak. I realized I wasn’t being strong for my baby. Daxton and I will have a lot of times when he gets hurt or needs shots and I will be the one who has to handle it. I can’t always be squirmy and hide in the corner. I want Daxton to know he can count on me for anything. I imagined him falling and getting really hurt and needing me but hesitating because he knows i would be queasy. It would kill me for my child to feel that I cannot provide the kind of support they need, no matter how I feel. I realized I needed to put aside my fears and man up to be the person I want my child to admire and count on. So I said, “No, I can do it”. He asked if I was sure and I said “Yes, I am sure.” He asked me if I wanted a nurse to hold him or if I wanted to. Again, I wanted to, but I knew that I may not hold him the way the doctor would need and the nurses would have done it before and be much better than I would. The doctor said they always recommend nursing/feeding the baby immediately after the procedure, so I was ready. I put aside my wants and fears and stayed strong for my baby. It was over in 60 seconds. He cried terribly, but because he hates being forced to not move. He cries like that when I clip his nails. He bled a little. It got on his paci and on his pants. We went into the other room and I nursed him for a while. He fell asleep. He was fine. I did’t tell anyone what happened until I was nursing him and I finally had a minute to process everything. But wow, I was so proud of myself. I realized if I could do this, I could be there for D. As we were walking to the car, I realized I would get to tell him this story one day and tell him how I conquered my fears because I wanted to be a stronger person for him. When I put him in the car, he was all smiles. 

Daxton is now sticking his tongue out and is still nursing like a champ. I am not nervous that his teething would mess with our nursing process. I really feel like I made the right choice. The way it happened was a little out of my comfort zone, and I hate that my husband wasn’t with me, but I feel this was truly something that needed to happen. And what a bonding moment for mom and baby. I am glad I made the choice to cut it so he wasn’t a toddler dealing with speech issues and having to experience this issue when he is much more aware. Or he could be an adult who wishes he had had it cut. I’m dealing with a lot of self-doubt about the situation, even though I am sure of my decision. I would love to hear some stories and get some support from mamas who have also dealt with this!

Anyway, today resulted in a lot of cuddles…

On Being Productive

Wow! It's been a big week for little Rosemary+James. Today, Rosemary+James got business cards, mailed out the first OFFICIAL orders, got new supplies, and finally launched an Etsy shop(etsy.com/shop/rosemaryandjames). Earlier this week, Rosemary+James started an Instagram account (rosemaryandjamesshop) and ordered an embosser. Though all these may seem like inconsequential events to anyone else, to me, they are all super exciting! This shop is something I've been waiting to do for so long, and I mean SO LONG! If you've talked to me at all over the past year, you've probably heard me say "I'm opening an Etsy shop soon," or "I'm hoping to launch my shop in two weeks". But I finally did it! But c'mon T, why did it take so long?

As I've said before, I am an over-thinker. Not only that, but I have a habit of making things into a bigger deal than they are. I get too excited about something and have a hard time following up with the expectations I've laid out. So, as any normal person would do, I put it off. I was scared of not meeting expectations and I was nervous about the work I would have to put in. I set deadlines for myself and continued to practice and improve. Finally, demand got to a point that I knew I could either give up the possibility of a business and success or embrace it and make good on the promises I made to myself and others. My obsession for perfection may have also held me back, knowing there are other products out there that are presented better, other people who produce more consistent or fluid calligraphy, other shops with a better business model. I want the best, so I held off for the best. But I learned that perfection is a terrible goal, so I made a list of small goals. After meeting each one, I knew I was one step closer.

Productivity is not something I have ever been wonderful at. I really do not know why I put things off. But everyone does it, right? We know there is something that is going to be demanding of our time, our money, our social skills, so we put it off, hoping the responsibility will suddenly disappear; maybe we will win the lottery, or invent a time machine, or maybe find some awesome magic coupon code that will take care of all our bills. We all keep procrastinating and with that comes the thoughts of our nagging tasks and the feeling of guilt when we finally have to admit that we have done something to make our lives difficult. As I'm writing this, the nine year old I nanny for is growing increasingly upset that I am making her get all her homework done today, even though it is due Friday' she would rather play with her friends today and do it all Thursday night. Even the youngest generation is already learning how to procrastinate. I guess all I'm trying to say is that we should really take charge of our lives and stop allowing ourselves to suffer the consequences of procrastination. Stop asking yourself why you are putting off those tasks and do them!

Just do it!
-T

On Living With Anxiety

When I tell people I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), they usually assume that I get stressed easily and I don't know how to handle it.

Yes, I get stressed. I get stressed under any number of circumstances. Unfortunately, this extends to many aspects of my life. I have claustrophobia, social anxiety, trouble sleeping, extreme dizziness, heart palpitations, and shortness of breath on a daily basis. These symptoms are before and after a panic attack. During a panic attack, all these symptoms are elevated, with the addition of new ones. Now if I could cure it, handle it, or help it in anyway, I definitely would. This is not something I wish to experience. I promise I do not do it for attention, nor do I use it as a way to cope. There is no way to "cure" or "prevent" anxiety or anxiety attacks, and don't even try to argue me on this one--controlling or lessening attacks is possible, but not the same thing.

Fortunately, early on in life, I was very self aware of my symptoms. I was the kid who would get $5.00 from the tooth fairy and go to the grocery store with my mom and freak out over what to spend my money on. I couldn't decide if I wanted gum, which would last me a decent amount of time, a toy which would last 'forever', or chips, super delicious but wouldn't last long. When my parents would take me to get ice cream, I was always the last to order because I couldn't decide. I would consider all my options with a ridiculous weight. What if I tried a new flavor and think I like it, but it gets old quickly and I can't finish it? What if I try my sisters and realize I want hers instead? What if I stick with my regular Mint Chip and regret not trying something new? (This has by no means changed at all, but if pressured, I can easily make last minute decisions...don't give me too much time to consider my options is my advice!) I learned how to stay strong and smile through the pain. I believe I can control my anxiety, and I have not given up hope that I truly will one day.

I remember when I was in third grade, I went to the nurse's office with the worst headache my seven-year-old self had ever experienced. I was crying, holding my head, shaking, shivering, sweating. My mom picked me up and took me to the ER. I had just experienced my first panic attack. By that time, the doctor classified it as a migraine, which still was a lot for my little body (y'all, I was really tiny!) and from that point on, my doctor became my closest confidant, seeing me regularly to monitor my migraines and other symptoms. I didn't have another major panic attack until senior year of high school--my parents were great at helping me calm down when I started to get crazy. I was driving home, completely satisfied with my life, and suddenly I couldn't breathe. I felt dizzy and couldn't see straight. Luckily, I snapped out of it quickly, and immediately made a doctor's appointment. I had two more that week. My doctor realized I have GAD. He told me to limit the stress in my life and stop spreading myself so thin. If you know me, you know that is impossible. I am a yes person through and through. If someone somewhere needs my help, I am there! I also have OCD, and these two things combined with my raging migraines makes my life a bit of a challenge. I am on medication for it and I am totally not ashamed. A huge thing many people with anxiety deal with is shame, which I have none of. I don't know how I got this way, but I am able to logically walk away from my panic attacks at times (see my blog about balancing logic and emotions http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2015/11/on-controlling-your-emotions.html). I definitely know my parents helped me get to a place where I am healthy enough to handle myself, but there are times that I just can't. I was just in New York, in the middle of Times Square, and I couldn't control myself when a panic attack hit. I am definitely an extroverted introvert (I can totally talk to people and speak up for myself, but I gain energy from being alone) and I had not been alone for almost a week. I was in the throes of hundreds of tourist families and creepy Elmos. It all became too much; I had been too strong for too long and I broke. It can happen anywhere, anytime! This makes my life one that is hard to share and I am a lot of work.

I call this post "living" with anxiety, not "suffering" or "dealing with" because suffering is not living and dealing with yourself is not necessarily a healthy way to go about living with your flaws or feeling good about yourself. I embrace my downfalls so that I can work with them and control them. Owning up to me flaws allows me to feel more self-confident when I am really down on myself. I have spent my whole life getting to this point. It is not impossible. Whatever your downfall, your flaw, your negative aspects, I promise you there is a line of people waiting to help you! I have been blessed with so many people in my life who have not only helped me, but inspired me and pushed me to better myself even more. The only people who have no hope are serial killers and pervs. Those are not downfalls to embrace. Please don't. Otherwise, wear your heart on your sleeve and be honest with yourself and everyone in your life! It not only hurts you when you keep your flaws to yourself, but it hurts those around you. Believe in yourself and in your loved ones. If they don't stick around to see you through your worst, they don't deserve you at your best! (Someone else said that, but I can't remember who, so don't give me credit...I wish). If you say you can't find anyone to accept you, you aren't being honest enough.

Here are 6 articles that I have found to be helpful in many ways:
~31 Secrets of People Who Live With Anxiety http://themighty.com/?p=37087?st=pinterest
~Anxiety Facts: 12 Important Ones You May Not Know http://www.heysigmund.com/anxiety-facts/
~24 Things People With Generalized Anxiety Disorder Want You To Know http://www.buzzfeed.com/annaborges/hello-anxiety-my-old-friend?crlt.pid=camp.GoOtMTZDS3tK#.clNPnLyd0
~ A Letter to Husbands: Three Ways To Help Your Wife With Anxiety http://www.nittygrittylove.com/a-letter-to-husbands-3-ways-to-help-your-wife-with-anxiety/
~Supporting a Loved One Through PTSD or Panic Attacks https://sometimesmagical.wordpress.com/2013/10/26/supporting-a-loved-one-through-ptsd-or-panic-attacks/
~20 Struggles You Go Through When You Date Someone With Anxiety http://elitedaily.com/dating/dating-someone-with-anxiety/907721/

Au revoir
-T