On Making Friends In Your Twenties

So I'm sure this is an over-discussed topic. And there have been so many points of view already. But everyone is so different and has had different experiences, so what's another post on this topic?

Quick background on my friendships: Growing up, I had a constant revolving door of "best friends". My first bestie from Kinder and I got in an "argument" in third grade on the playground and that forever changed our dynamic. My 4th grade bestie moved after 6th. In middle school, I got closer with a friend who I wasn't that close to, and she is still one of my best friends, even though she's in Australia! High school I found friends I thought I would have forever. One in particular was a grade older than me, but we did everything together. We always wrote notes, drew each other pictures, walked each other to class. We said we were going to grow old together and be "aunts" to each other's kids and be each wedding. But come my senior year, I had made new friends since she was no longer on campus, and that created a lot of "high school drama". I really hate that we aren't friends anymore, but I have learned to deal. Unfortunately, very few friends ever stuck. I really can say I have two friends from school that I still actually want to talk to. College was different. I went to a Christian university, so most of the people I met were genuine. I made quite a few friends who I am still in contact with and I was so happy to have finally made lasting connections. Moving away was heartbreaking, since most of these friendships were still young and I didn't want to lose them. In NC, I had SUCH a hard time making friends, and still do. But I have definitely found people I want a friendship with. NOTE: I do have a best friend. He is my husband. I am so happy I married my best friend.

A few weeks back, I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. I had taken it in college, but I wanted to see if I had changed. I hadn't. I am the Advocate personality, INFJ. Reading about how that applies to friendships, I was blown away! The website explained that I long for authenticity, a rarity in today's world. Also, Advocates are private people, but wide open when they finally feel like they can trust someone. "Advocates seek out people who share their passions, interests and ideologies..."-16personalities.com. Honestly reading the whole thing, I kept exclaiming in excitement that it was so me and so true! I can;t cover all of it because there was a lot of information, but it really made me aware of my value as a friend (excuse the egotism). As I read, I kept thinking, "Why don't I have more friends, then?" and that thought saddened me. I think I may come on strong, but I do that because I am fearful of losing a potential friendship. Or I may be completely hands-off, because I am fearful to lose a potential friendship. Neither is healthy, but i would hope that someone who seeks a relationship with me notices this and can look past it.

So when I moved, I left everything I knew behind and had to start over. I was 22, just married, and home alone a lot! I couldn't go out on the town with young, single friends. I couldn't find married friends because Stephen was gone a lot. And I had no where to make friends. I was so desperate I tried an app that located other people nearby who were also looking for friends. I tried to make friends wherever I could. I began to babysit for a family, and their family welcomed me. That helped open the gateway to new friends. I began to attend church with them and found a welcoming community with other twenty something just married people. I feel like I have found people I can grow a friendship with, but what is the next step?

Step 1: Identify your "tribe". Who are the types of people you are seeking to attract. I wanted young people who were settling down in life. Figure out who you're looking for.

Step 2: Locate your "tribe". Where would these types of people hang out? If you're looking for friends to party with, you might go to a bar late at night with a friend or to looking for more friends. If you're like me, church is probably the best place (I actually think church is always the best place to find friends, but to each her own).

Step 3: Find common ground. Obviously you don't need to be "twinsies" from the beginning, but you do need to find a commonality. Music, ethnicity, location are all broad ideas.

Step 4: Exchange information: I know this may seem obvious, but I forget. Hubby and I actually went to dinner last week with married friends and I forgot to ask her number. I asked on IG, but I don't think she saw because she didn't give it to me...

Step 5: Don't overthink it! I am such a worrier. A quiet worrier, but a worrier nonetheless. I get deep in my mind and think worst case scenario without fail every single time! In the above situation, I thought, 'Wow I must have come on so strong. She doesn't want to give me her number. I'm such a weirdo. I'll never make a good friend.' But there's a big chance that's not true. Just be you and if someone doesn't like that, you need to be okay with that because authenticity is key in a solid friendship.

Step 6: Maintenance. I am literally the most low maintenance friend there is. I don't need to talk to you fro ages and we can have one conversation and I'm like, "Man, this girl is my super bestie and we are the best bestie I could ever imagine!". But that isn't always the case. And to actually have a healthy, productive, solid friendship, much more maintenance is required. I have so many relationships I want to make solid friendships, but I know I am not pouring in the energy I should be. I know it's tedious, but if you don't put in energy, you can't expect your potential bestie to put any in either.

Step 7: Communicate. In any relationship, communication is key. I don't just mean talking, which I do a lot of unfortunately (anyone else find their mouth going on and on about themselves and their brain is yelling at them to shut up!?!). I'm saying have honest, open communication. Listen when you're not speaking and speak with intentionality. Man, I sound so much better when I write out what I want to say than when I'm face to face. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses and use them. I always prefer to text than call because I have more time to think of my response.

Step 8: Prayer. Ask God to send people into your life who will add joy and peace to your life, not chaos and destruction. We all know that toxic people shouldn't be in our lives, so be adamant about not allowing them in in the first place. I've had to get rid of some toxic people, and it definitely isn't easy, but praying about it is the encouragement I need to remind myself to seek joy in His kingdom, including friends who share the same beliefs. If you need verses or prayer guidance when it comes to seeking friendships, let me know. I don't want to overwhelm this post anymore than it already is.

Currently, I'm finding a lot of mama relationships on IG. But most of them are comments here and there. I see so many moms making great friendships and again, I wonder why I can't seem to get a phone number. I try everyday to follow these steps. Life constantly gets in the way, and sometimes the work I've put into a relationship moves backward like, a million steps. But I know if I stay at it and pray, God will provide. I need to pray like my prayer is already answered (I forgot which verse that is and I am way too exhausted to look it up...someone please tell me!)

Good luck, friends! -T

On Gender Identity

So the other day, Hubby was loading D in the car and I was in the passenger seat. I heard the woman from the car next to us ask if D was a boy or a girl. Stephen politely responded and finished buckling D in. When he joined me in the driver's seat, I told him, "Man, I really hate it when people ask that." He asked me why because he didn't mind answering, so I thought about it. I didn't really mind answering either, but I knew it was something deeper. The issue is two-fold: the identity factor and the societal factor.

First of all, D looks like a boy. To me (and my friends and family) he has some distinctive boy features. But that isn't the issue. For the first question to be about his gender is to prioritize that over anything else. His being a boy is more important than his name or age. A more appropriate question might be "What is their name?" which will usually tell you if they are a boy or girl. And if it doesn't, what is so important about a stranger knowing the gender of my baby? Once that becomes an important identity factor, it can become easy to adhere to society's "rules" about that specific gender, which leads me to the second factor.

God dictates gender. Some of you may disagree and that is fine, but I believe that it is up to God to form us as He desires. He gave me a male baby, and he will always be a male. But society decides HOW that gender is defined (http://thebringitonmom.blogspot.com/2017/03/on-gender-stereotyping.html). If a girl is going through a phase when she likes race cars and playing baseball or whatever typical "boy" interests are, it doesn't mean she identifies as a boy; she is just a girl who likes race cars and baseball. If D decides he likes princesses and playing with my makeup, I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that he was supposed to have been born a girl, because God would have handled that. I will support him whether he wants to be a drummer, a football player, a broadway star, or a ballerina. I will tell him that boys can dance just as well as girls and girls can play baseball just as well as boys. If D is wearing his amber necklace and a bonnet, I am not dressing him like a girl. I hope Daxton never feels like  he can't do something because of how he was born. And he doesn't need to change; he is perfect how God made him. 

No person is going to tell him he can't do something because he is a boy, and if they do, well they will really regret it after talking to me. When I was younger, my family went on a camping trip with other families from our church. I was DEEP in my tomboy phase, climbing trees and running around with the boys. One of the dads was leading a hike, and I went along. When we got to the end, the tip of the mountain we were hiking, I was told I couldn't go all the way to the top because I was a girl. I was dumbfounded and still scarred to this day. Obviously, Dax will know he can't go in the girls bathroom, dressing room, etc., but anything society deems just for girls or just for boys will not be a thing in our home. I like dressing Dax in gender/color neutral clothing, and I definitely regret painting his room blue. I am so excited to see what truly interests him.

On Tummy Time

For as long as we've put Daxton on his tummy, he has hated tummy time. At first, I thought it was because he had gas issues, but now I'm pretty sure it's because he is so observant that he hates being constrained. I know he needs tummy time for proper development, so I have done whatever I could to allow us all to tolerate it a little longer. I lie down with him, use the Boppy, turn him over and back, give him toys and teethers, lay him on a surface that is fun to look at, but nothing has worked until today. I realized that my child is very smart and loves learning and watching new things. I realized I needed some sensory activities he could do during tummy time. I had seen grabbing baskets before, but I knew he would just end up chewing on everything. I looked on Pinterest to find some, and I found an awesome website with great activities for all ages and issues (http://www.candokiddo.com/news/tummy-time-tips).

Water Play
I wish I had thought of this on my own, but I cannot take credit. I had a small sheet pan I filled halfway with water and I added two rubber ducks. He LOVED this! I planned on the water getting all over the place, so I set the tray on the hardwood and set the Boppy at the edge of the rug so that his body would be on the soft rug. Sure enough, water was EVERYWHERE, but I quickly cleaned it up with the Swiffer and my husband never even knew the mess that had been there. I didn't plan, however, for him to be able to move the sheet pan, and I especially didn't think he would pick it up. I'm telling you, this kid surprises me everyday with his knowledge and strength. Anyway, the mess was intensified by the water sloshing over the edge so that there was barely any left. But he had so much fun playing with the water! I will definitely do this again, just maybe with a bigger or heavier water container.

Texture/Temperature Play
Peas! Who knew peas would be so fun. I filled a Ziplock freezer bag with frozen peas and taped it to the floor (using painter's tape of course!). Again, the peas were on the hardwood for when the condensation pooled under the bag, and he was on the rug with the Boppy at the edge in between. This one didn't last as long, and I definitely thought he would love this one. He wasn't opposed, but he was frustrated that he couldn't put the bag in his mouth (plastic + baby's mouth = nothing good). I still have the peas in the bag so I will try this again, but this wouldn't be a go to.

Books
It saddens me when babies rip up and chew on books, but today I let it happen. I definitely want to teach Daxton to respect literature of any type, and he has books specifically for his drooly mouth, but today I let him go at it. He seems to love holding, opening, and closing books, and that makes this bookworm mama's heart so happy. He has an overflow of books, I literally have no more room! Any chance I can give him to find joy in books is something I can get behind.

So that was today's adventures in tummy time. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but I will be sure to make it public knowledge what works and what doesn't. I love exploring self-guided play time, not because I am a lazy mom, but because I know I won't be able to hold onto him forever, and I want to ensure that he is as good alone as he is with others (because he is great with others!). And all babies are different! What works for one may not work for another.
-T

On Applying Spring to My Life

Spring has sprung! My favorite season is autumn, but spring is a close second. Spring in North Carolina is so beautiful. The weather will become perfect, and then sweltering hot, then a storm hits, and your'e back to perfect weather, rainbows, and all is green! It is truly the season of rebirth.

Yesterday, D and I began our day early. He woke up at about 6:30 and I didn't try to get him back to sleep like I normally do. I let him lay in bed with me and play for a bit after I nursed him. At 7:30 he started rubbing his eyes and getting a little fussy. I put him back down for a nap at about 8 and realized I could start working us toward a schedule. After he woke up (at 9:30!), we had breakfast and went for a run.

Applying this rebirth to my life, I have began running again. I have been unable to get back to working out due to some health issues post-pregnancy. I wasn't cleared to begin non-strenuous exercises until D was about 3 months old. Yesterday, I finally was able to get back out and run. I love running (its okay, you don't have to understand) as a stress reliever and a pick-me-up. I used to run all the time, but once I became pregnant, the doctor told me running would mess up my back an my sciatica a lot more, and eventually it wouldn't be safe for the baby, so it's been about a year since I ran last. It was so wonderful! I didn't want to overwork myself, so I only did about a mile and a half, but this time, I was pushing 20 lbs up and down hills. Running with a baby is so different! Daxton enjoyed it, minus the loud sounds of big rigs when they passed us by.

I felt so good after this! When we got back home, D played a little and then I put him down for his second nap. Unfortunately this one didn't last more than 35 minutes, but the point is I tried and he knows that there will be a nap around noon. So I got him up and let him play for a little while I made lunch (a kale, chicken, and quinoa salad with a homemade lemon vinaigrette). When he started to fuss, I laid him on his back on the rug so he could play with his feet. Suddenly, he began to cry a real cry, not a fussy cry. I was draining my quinoa and I looked up. D was on his tummy and I could see he had had a blowout all up his back! Poor kid was miserable and I was frozen in shock. I scooped him up and got to work cleaning him up and throwing that onesie away. An impromptu bath was called for (second one in as many days), and I had to get in with him; D could not calm down! It wasn't until he was out, changed, and nursing that he began to calm. He ended up falling asleep on me and slept for an hour. Safe to say our schedule was kaput after that, but I got some sweet baby snuggles. Today, we've been doing well with a schedule. He woke up at 6:05 and went down for a nap at 8:20 (after 23 minutes of rocking, shushing, and feeding). I have no idea what today holds, but I pray that D feels better today than he did yesterday and that he sleeps better, too!

P.S. I didn't eat my lunch until 5 PM, so I'm hoping I can eat earlier today!
-T

On Starting Solids

My baby is growing up! Last night we had our first true trial with solids! I purchased a pouch of Plum Organics Sweet Potatoes at Target yesterday and hubby and I were just so excited to try something new! My plan is to make our own baby food, but until he is truly eating a lot of solids, we will survive on pouches, so long as they're organic and free of any additives, of course! 

So hubby and D came home from church last night, and I told Stephen that I got a pouch. He hurried up and whipped out the high chair; I don't remember the last time I saw him so excited. I told him that Daxton tried to drink out of my straw today when he grabbed my cup and put the straw in his mouth! We knew he was ready, even if we weren't. I brought in a baby spoon and we had so much fun! I think we should do smaller amounts at a time, but D really seemed to like it! We will keep on sweet potatoes for a few days, and maybe we will do avocado next! His facial expressions kill me! 

On the Tongue Tie

Dax got his tongue tie clipped today. I was by myself and there was blood. It was such a hard thing to do as a mom, watching my child purposely be put in pain, knowing I could stop it. To top it off, I am really not good with blood. I was forced to get a little better because of pregnancy, but I still got so anxious when Daxton got his shots last Monday. I knew I would be a wreck if he had to get his tie cut, so I told myself and my family that if he did, I would schedule it separately so Stephen could be there with me. That didn’t happen.

When I got there (the facility was super modern and clean), I checked in and filled out a medical history (for his short 4 months of life). It took a while for us to get called back. I wish I had spent that time preparing my mind to be strong for D, but I was so adamant that I wouldn’t do it. When we went in, the nurse asked a bunch of questions and told me how her daughter had to have her tongue tie cut. She said she was nervous too and had left the room. She told me the doctor would not recommend getting it cut if he truly did not think it needed to be done. She had worked there for a while and had seen a lot of appointments go with ways. She showed me the tools he would use if he did end up doing the procedure. When the doctor came in, I had just put Daxton to sleep. He was so tired already and I knew he would be so grumpy upon waking up. So I woke him up, he fussed, the doctor looked at his tongue, he fussed a lot more. After maybe 45 seconds, he said to me that he could cut it quickly and right away. I was a little taken aback…well a lot! He suddenly is explaining to me the process and only looked at my baby for a minute and is ready to literally cut him! I barely had a chance to register everything. I asked if he thought it was bad enough to get it done or mild enough that it wouldn’t affect him. He said he would definitely recommend it get cut, since we had had breastfeeding issues previously. The whole point of this appointment was to see if a specialist thought his tie should be cut. I had my answer! My husband and I had been talking about cutting his tie for so long, we had already decided that if the doctor thought it should be cut, it would be. The doctor explained to me that he had had his tongue clipped way back when by his dad who was also a surgeon. He said it was painful for a bit but he was fine. He said he would put a numbing agent on the area and he wouldn’t even feel it. I asked if I could reschedule for tomorrow so my husband could be there. The look he gave me said to me that he thought I was weak. I realized I wasn’t being strong for my baby. Daxton and I will have a lot of times when he gets hurt or needs shots and I will be the one who has to handle it. I can’t always be squirmy and hide in the corner. I want Daxton to know he can count on me for anything. I imagined him falling and getting really hurt and needing me but hesitating because he knows i would be queasy. It would kill me for my child to feel that I cannot provide the kind of support they need, no matter how I feel. I realized I needed to put aside my fears and man up to be the person I want my child to admire and count on. So I said, “No, I can do it”. He asked if I was sure and I said “Yes, I am sure.” He asked me if I wanted a nurse to hold him or if I wanted to. Again, I wanted to, but I knew that I may not hold him the way the doctor would need and the nurses would have done it before and be much better than I would. The doctor said they always recommend nursing/feeding the baby immediately after the procedure, so I was ready. I put aside my wants and fears and stayed strong for my baby. It was over in 60 seconds. He cried terribly, but because he hates being forced to not move. He cries like that when I clip his nails. He bled a little. It got on his paci and on his pants. We went into the other room and I nursed him for a while. He fell asleep. He was fine. I did’t tell anyone what happened until I was nursing him and I finally had a minute to process everything. But wow, I was so proud of myself. I realized if I could do this, I could be there for D. As we were walking to the car, I realized I would get to tell him this story one day and tell him how I conquered my fears because I wanted to be a stronger person for him. When I put him in the car, he was all smiles. 

Daxton is now sticking his tongue out and is still nursing like a champ. I am not nervous that his teething would mess with our nursing process. I really feel like I made the right choice. The way it happened was a little out of my comfort zone, and I hate that my husband wasn’t with me, but I feel this was truly something that needed to happen. And what a bonding moment for mom and baby. I am glad I made the choice to cut it so he wasn’t a toddler dealing with speech issues and having to experience this issue when he is much more aware. Or he could be an adult who wishes he had had it cut. I’m dealing with a lot of self-doubt about the situation, even though I am sure of my decision. I would love to hear some stories and get some support from mamas who have also dealt with this!

Anyway, today resulted in a lot of cuddles…

On Maintaining Family Traditions

Yesterday was another busy day; I literally FORGOT to blog! As I sit down to type out my daily excursions, I realize every day just how much I try to get done. I'm going to take a day off pretty soon and just love on the babe. But yesterday was also an important day, so I digress. 

We went on a mile and a half walk in the morning inviting people to Easter at Elevation. We spent five hours deconstructing, packing, and sending Stephen's family heirloom cradle, I volunteered at church for the next four hours while Hubby and Bub spent some quality time together. And finally one of my closest friends/mentors arrived after a very long drive from WV. 

The important part of the day was the whole cradle scenario. Such a wonderful chapter of our parenting journey has come to an end. Stephen's family has a cradle that all the kids on his mom's side of the family have slept in. Daxton was the 12th baby to continue this tradition. We were so excited when we got the cradle. It got a prime spot in our bedroom. We set it up so carefully and perfectly. My MIL bought extra organic fitted sheets and I handmade (for the first time ever) a fitted sheet for the mattress pad. There are plaques on the cradle declaring which children have slept in it and their dates of birth. I would stare at my husband's name and imagine my son's name joining his eventually! When we came home from the hospital with Daxton, we couldn’t wait to put him in the cradle. At this point, it is important to remind and reinforce readers that Dax was born 10 pounds and was already rolling to the sides (because he moved so much and was so strong!). When we walked in the door, Stephen gave Daxton a home tour (I will share that video eventually), and at the end of the tour, Stephen laid Daxton in the cradle. Once Stephen let go of him, D rolled over, the cradle got rocky, and it really seemed like it would swing so much D would fall out. Now, obviously we knew that wouldn’t happen, but it was still scary how Daxton was rolling over but not rolling back. Once we figured out sleeping habits and routines, we knew he preferred to be at an angle and he slept longer if he was being held or rocked. We used the Rock N Play because it met all his sleeping needs, which was really important because he was sleeping terribly, so mom and dad were sleeping terribly, too! At two months, we had gotten a Dock A Tot, a good swaddle, and learned that Daxton is actually pretty resilient, so we tried the cradle. It worked! He slept great flat and not being rocked. Stephen and I were so emotional and happy that we could claim our child had slept in there as well. 

A few weeks after Daxton was born, we found out Stephen’s cousin and his girlfriend were expecting. We were so excited; their baby was due in a month and we said how cool it would be that both their kids would be so close in age. Then we realized this meant the cradle was needed elsewhere. We thought we would have more time with it. I had thought that when Daxton started walking and playing he might puts his stuffies in their for their “nap”. I had imagined it becoming a staple in his nursery and I could show him his Daddy’s name on the plaque. It was such a bittersweet moment to be so happy and sad. He was already so used to his sleeping habits (rocking, incline) that we couldn’t change it at this point when he was just starting to sleep so well. So we held on to the cradle as long as we could. I made sure to take pictures when I could (usually the lights are off and he’s asleep when he’s in it). Now, we just have to hope that we can have our next baby (not for a long time!) sleep in it from the beginning and we won’t take advantage of it like we had. 

On Our Co-Sleeping Story

What a controversial topic! I think it is important to define what co-sleeping actually is. There are different ways a parent can co-sleep with their baby: same bed, separate/extended surface like bedside sleepers, and same room, separate surface. I am not talking about having baby sleep in bed with you, because I agree with the big guys who declare it unsafe (besides the possibility of rolling into your baby, adult mattresses are made very differently than infant mattresses to provide proper spine and body growth and development. Also, comforters, pillows, sheets, even mama hair all pose a threat to baby). I define co-sleeping as baby sleeping in the same room as his parents.

For the first two months of his life, Daxton slept in the rock n play because he preferred the upright position and he wasn't able to roll around(because he was already turning into his side from day one!). Then, at two months, we put him in the DockATot in an heirloom cradle (post about that coming at you on Saturday) that my husband slept in when he was a baby. Four months was our original goal for co-sleeping because that is when the risk of SIDS lowers significantly. We've now reached that point and we seriously don't want to end co-sleeping yet!

Daxton turned 4 months one week ago. We are going to be sending the heirloom cradle on to the next family baby, so we didn't have a place for Dax to sleep in our room. We don't want to regress if we can help it and keep him in the rock n play (with his length and weight, in pretty sure he can't use it anymore), so my MIL bought us a Moses basket (anyone have a stand I can use?) so that we still have the option of keeping him in our room. But Stephen and I were so sure if loving him into his room. We thought it was developmentally appropriate and we didn't want to hinder his growth. After we spent so much time putting together his nursery, we want to make sure it gets a lot of use. But in reality, WE aren't ready. Stephen and I don't want to get up and walk all the way across our home to give him his paci when he loses it twice at night. And what if his breathing monitor goes off and we don't hear it? How long will he have to cry until we wake up and tend to him. Really, he only wakes up once at night, and promptly goes back to sleep, but he would be so far from us.

So I felt I was the one really pushing for D to transition into his room and I could tell Stephen was just going along with what I said. Last night I asked him regardless of what I think, is he ready to transition D? He said he wants to give it another month. So we now have an open ended co-sleeping plan and that really makes my soul happy.

Here are some links for articles/info pages I found helpful and informative regarding co-sleeping:
http://kellymom.com/parenting/nighttime/cosleeping/
http://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/
https://www.thebump.com/a/myths-and-truths-about-co-sleeping
http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/sleep-problems/co-sleeping-yes-no-sometimes
http://www.cosleeping.org

-T

On Super Powers

I must think I have super powers; I spent today running around trying to get what felt like a million things done! We had moms group at the park, a Target trip (duh), a chiropractor appointment, a stop by the post office, and a grocery trip (mama scored on those organic deals!). After all this, we still went on a nice walk. I am so exhausted! Why do I push myself so hard like this? I really need to stop because it all hit me pretty hard today.

I had another anxiety spout. This one was similar to one I had about a week ago. It hit me out of nowhere: first I felt exhaustion, then I felt like my muscles over-relaxed, then I felt jittery and my hands were shaking. I lost my appetite and felt so tired like I could pass out anywhere. I feel like these are the after effects of a strong feeling of what Holly Golightly and I call "the reds". "The reds" are when you're afraid, but you don't know what you're afraid of. I felt like previously to this both of these anxiety episodes. Except today, I know what I was afraid of.

I love music and I love dancing. Today, D and I were listening to "From the Ground Up" by Dan + Shay. I was holding him, singing to him, and dancing around our living room with him. As I sang, I started to cry. I don't know how to watch my baby grow up. I just want to pause time and keep him in my arms forever. I hate that there is nothing I can do besides take pictures and videos to remember this moment. I feel like my anxiety makes my mind so clouded that I forget so many things! Of course I remember big things, but will I remember all the times he smiled at me, or when his eyes light up when I tell him good morning, or how he used to fall asleep on me all the time. Will I remember all the things that make him laugh? How on earth am I supposed to be happy that he is growing up if I want him to stay this age forever. As I'm typing this, he is getting older and I just want to hold him so tight as if that will make time stand still. I began to think of my childhood and how hard it must have been for my parents to watch my sister and I grow up. My parents did such a good job raising us and creating a loving home. I have such wonderful memories and I would love to tell anyone who asks about how lucky I am to have had a perfect childhood. I used to think that if I didn't have a special story or tragedy in my life that I wasn't important (thanks to shows like The Voice where EVERYONE has something to make them "different"). But I realize that I am so blessed to have grown up with both my parents and my sister in our little home. I want to give that to Daxton to and I am so scared that I will do something wrong (this is an anxiety thing and though it is nice, I do not need encouragement on this because I already know "every mom makes mistakes," and "don't be so hard on yourself," and "every family is different," etc. I am just thinking 'out loud'). I realized the immense pressure I have put on myself to try to make sure I am as good of a parent to Daxton as my parents were for me. I know she doesn't mean it this way, but when my mom says, "Well with you guys..." or "When I did __ this way...", I question and doubt myself. I have a high standard to meet and I want the best for my child. So naturally, this sent my mind into a craze imagining all that I want to give my child, and I think coming down from that caused my body to react physically. I have been dealing with the shaking hands for a while, and I realized that I really need to go back to my therapist. I made an appointment for two weeks out, so look forward to that!

Well, I am seriously emotionally exhausted from the day. D is bathed and asleep (how cute is he in this towel from Grandma and Grandpa which really brings out his eyes), so mama needs to get to sleep, too. Here's to a new day tomorrow!
-T