On My JORD

Ah it's so nice to finally have the time to sit down and blog again. Lol kidding! Im sitting in my car while D naps in his car seat because I know he won't stay asleep while I unload him and bring him upstairs. So in the car we stay. But speaking time, I'm hosting a JORD watch giveaway! Guys, I cannot explain how much I love this watch!

Growing up, I always wanted to be a "watch person". I had friends who's fathers would have really nice watches or a beautiful watch collection. I never thought of women wearing watches even though my mom did. But she had (yeah right, has) a tendency for ending up with watches that suddenly don't work anymore, so she never spent much on one. I actually have this on my IG from way back when (before I knew how to use filters, obvs). 

So my biggest watch influence growing up was those Hello Kitty or Barbie ones you would get in a Happy Meal and never read the directions for. I recently got a Batman watch for my nephew. He asked me to set it up, and I actually read the directions. Guys, those watches do a lot! 

Then I met my husband. He and his father are very into watches. Even though my husband doesn't wear a watch now (it would be destroyed in his line of work), he really appreciates a nice watch. And my father-in-law? Well,his watch collection might make some people jealous. So I wanted a nice watch. But I was still young and uneducated, so I set my eyes on a Betsey Johnson watch. It quickly discolored and broke. I really like watches with big faces but that we're still simple, but the face would be too big or the watch too heavy. And I used my phone so much, I would forget to look at my watch anyway. 

Once I had a baby, everything changed. I started needing to tell time more often. And sometimes I would lose or forget my phone somewhere around the house. I started putting up more clocks around the house. But the need was still not met. I knew I needed a watch but I didn't want to spend the time shopping around for one I wouldn't quickly discard and I didn't want to spend the money on a super fancy one. Along came JORD. Their watches are made from wood and they are super lightweight. And they may not be waterproof, but I have definitely treated the line and come across victorious. And of course I wanted the big, round face(The Frankie Series). They recommended that if you have a small wrist to get the smaller version of their round face line (The Frankie 35). They make a line specifically for people like me who want the big face but can't handle it on their tiny wrist! And the color! Oh my sweet goodness, the colors are perfection. I chose the Zebrawood with Champagne (http://www.woodwatches.com/series/frankie-35/zebrawood-and-champagne/#littleappellnest) but all the colors are magical! My second fave is the Zebrawood and Navy. I have gotten so many compliments on it and I've only had it a week and a half! Make sure to enter the giveaway for your chance to win $100 toward your own JORD watch. If you don't win, you will still get $25 off! So really, you win no matter what!

Now I wear my watch everyday from when I wake to when I sleep. Hubby had to take it off for me the other day because I almost fell asleep with it on! I find it is the perfect accessory to my minimalist lifestyle. The only bad thing about my JORD is that D finds it as attractive as I do and he always tries to eat it! If Hubby ever has a career change! I will buy him a JORD watch in a heartbeat!

On Starting Solids

My baby is growing up! Last night we had our first true trial with solids! I purchased a pouch of Plum Organics Sweet Potatoes at Target yesterday and hubby and I were just so excited to try something new! My plan is to make our own baby food, but until he is truly eating a lot of solids, we will survive on pouches, so long as they're organic and free of any additives, of course! 

So hubby and D came home from church last night, and I told Stephen that I got a pouch. He hurried up and whipped out the high chair; I don't remember the last time I saw him so excited. I told him that Daxton tried to drink out of my straw today when he grabbed my cup and put the straw in his mouth! We knew he was ready, even if we weren't. I brought in a baby spoon and we had so much fun! I think we should do smaller amounts at a time, but D really seemed to like it! We will keep on sweet potatoes for a few days, and maybe we will do avocado next! His facial expressions kill me! 

On the Tongue Tie

Dax got his tongue tie clipped today. I was by myself and there was blood. It was such a hard thing to do as a mom, watching my child purposely be put in pain, knowing I could stop it. To top it off, I am really not good with blood. I was forced to get a little better because of pregnancy, but I still got so anxious when Daxton got his shots last Monday. I knew I would be a wreck if he had to get his tie cut, so I told myself and my family that if he did, I would schedule it separately so Stephen could be there with me. That didn’t happen.

When I got there (the facility was super modern and clean), I checked in and filled out a medical history (for his short 4 months of life). It took a while for us to get called back. I wish I had spent that time preparing my mind to be strong for D, but I was so adamant that I wouldn’t do it. When we went in, the nurse asked a bunch of questions and told me how her daughter had to have her tongue tie cut. She said she was nervous too and had left the room. She told me the doctor would not recommend getting it cut if he truly did not think it needed to be done. She had worked there for a while and had seen a lot of appointments go with ways. She showed me the tools he would use if he did end up doing the procedure. When the doctor came in, I had just put Daxton to sleep. He was so tired already and I knew he would be so grumpy upon waking up. So I woke him up, he fussed, the doctor looked at his tongue, he fussed a lot more. After maybe 45 seconds, he said to me that he could cut it quickly and right away. I was a little taken aback…well a lot! He suddenly is explaining to me the process and only looked at my baby for a minute and is ready to literally cut him! I barely had a chance to register everything. I asked if he thought it was bad enough to get it done or mild enough that it wouldn’t affect him. He said he would definitely recommend it get cut, since we had had breastfeeding issues previously. The whole point of this appointment was to see if a specialist thought his tie should be cut. I had my answer! My husband and I had been talking about cutting his tie for so long, we had already decided that if the doctor thought it should be cut, it would be. The doctor explained to me that he had had his tongue clipped way back when by his dad who was also a surgeon. He said it was painful for a bit but he was fine. He said he would put a numbing agent on the area and he wouldn’t even feel it. I asked if I could reschedule for tomorrow so my husband could be there. The look he gave me said to me that he thought I was weak. I realized I wasn’t being strong for my baby. Daxton and I will have a lot of times when he gets hurt or needs shots and I will be the one who has to handle it. I can’t always be squirmy and hide in the corner. I want Daxton to know he can count on me for anything. I imagined him falling and getting really hurt and needing me but hesitating because he knows i would be queasy. It would kill me for my child to feel that I cannot provide the kind of support they need, no matter how I feel. I realized I needed to put aside my fears and man up to be the person I want my child to admire and count on. So I said, “No, I can do it”. He asked if I was sure and I said “Yes, I am sure.” He asked me if I wanted a nurse to hold him or if I wanted to. Again, I wanted to, but I knew that I may not hold him the way the doctor would need and the nurses would have done it before and be much better than I would. The doctor said they always recommend nursing/feeding the baby immediately after the procedure, so I was ready. I put aside my wants and fears and stayed strong for my baby. It was over in 60 seconds. He cried terribly, but because he hates being forced to not move. He cries like that when I clip his nails. He bled a little. It got on his paci and on his pants. We went into the other room and I nursed him for a while. He fell asleep. He was fine. I did’t tell anyone what happened until I was nursing him and I finally had a minute to process everything. But wow, I was so proud of myself. I realized if I could do this, I could be there for D. As we were walking to the car, I realized I would get to tell him this story one day and tell him how I conquered my fears because I wanted to be a stronger person for him. When I put him in the car, he was all smiles. 

Daxton is now sticking his tongue out and is still nursing like a champ. I am not nervous that his teething would mess with our nursing process. I really feel like I made the right choice. The way it happened was a little out of my comfort zone, and I hate that my husband wasn’t with me, but I feel this was truly something that needed to happen. And what a bonding moment for mom and baby. I am glad I made the choice to cut it so he wasn’t a toddler dealing with speech issues and having to experience this issue when he is much more aware. Or he could be an adult who wishes he had had it cut. I’m dealing with a lot of self-doubt about the situation, even though I am sure of my decision. I would love to hear some stories and get some support from mamas who have also dealt with this!

Anyway, today resulted in a lot of cuddles…

On Gender Stereotyping

Today, I put my boy in a bonnet. Most of us millennials don't see bonnets as being for one gender or another, but I know plenty of people who think I shouldn't have bought my boy a bonnet or that its weird. For some reason, society has turned bonnets into a "girl thing", even though all babies used to wear bonnets decades ago. I don't want there to be anything my boy shouldn't do because it's a "girl thing". I will be just as thrilled if my son wants to pursue a career in fashion or ballroom dancing as I would if he wants to pursue baseball. This doesn't mean I am going to purposely do something to my son just because I don't want him to be too attached to one gender; I wouldn't go out of my way to put him in a lavender onesie or wear flowers on his head. And I do see him as my son; I don't want to raise him to be gender neutral, because I believe in the beauty of each gender as designed by God. If I see a cute onesie that has a gender specific saying (i.e. "Daddy's Little Girl), I will definitely not dress him in that, no matter how cute I think it is. I also will not dress him in super stereotyped boy onesies either (i.e. "Chicks dig me," or "Built tough like Daddy", with few exceptions). My philosophy is to raise him away from societal gender "norms" so that he will not feel constrained.

Growing up, my "favorite color" was pink. I am 100% sure the reason for this is because it is my mom's favorite color (reason being when I found out my Nana's favorite color was green, I quickly changed my favorite color to green as well...I was very impressionable). My mom is a girly girl through and through. She went through her tomboy phase growing up, but she loved (yeah right, still loves) lace and pink and frills and wants a fluffy white cat with a pink bow named Fifi or something like that. Like I said, I was very impressionable, so I was also quite the girly girl. I would request the color pink for whatever I could and I loved to wear dresses. Suddenly, around 4th grade, I entered my tomboy phase. I will shamefully admit to the following fashion crimes: Pepe Jeans, pants with multiple zippers to change lengths, terribly generic eight-year-old graphic tees. I begged my mom to let me cut my hair (which she didn't until 7th grade and I should have listened to her and never cut it) so that I could have a more "tomboy" look. I am so thankful my parents didn't fully embrace this stage of my life. If my mom got rid of all my dresses, bought me Converse instead of jellies, and let me cut my hair, I definitely could have felt she was encouraging me into boy-like behaviors. As I said twice now, I was impressionable. If at anytime my parents would have encouraged something stereotypically boyish, I would have continued down that road. Instead, they did both. I had the Converse AND the jellies. I had my dresses, and unfortunately, I had my 3-tier pants. She didn't try to conform me. They never said, "You're a girl so you have to wear a dress," or "You're a girl so you can't have Wheelies". DISCLAIMER: My mom did like to dress us up, especially for holidays, but she made sure we knew it was because it was something she wanted and not something we were supposed to want to do.

My husband is a sweet man, but a man through and through. When I found out we were having a boy, I immediately began to buy and look for clothes. We knew he would be born at the end of November, so I knew I would have to get him his first Christmas outfit. I wanted to get him a smock, and Stephen very adamantly did not want his son wearing a dress. Not only are smocks a very Southern thing, they also make some specifically for boys. When we were looking for an outfit to bring Daxton home in, his only stipulation was that it not look "too girly". Update: Daxton did not wear a smock for Christmas, in large part because I never got around to ordering him one, but he does have one for Easter! I want to make sure that as Daxton gets older, he doesn't see pink as a color he shouldn't wear or bonnets as something for girls. I want him to be open to everything. I want him to go through style phases and do the preppy thing, do the skater thing, do the athlete thing (gym shorts, tall socks, nike sandals) so that he will find himself without rethinking who he truly is.

On a 4 Month Check Up

Ah where has the time gone? Was it really only a year ago I found out I was pregnant? And now my baby is 4 months old! 

We went to the doctor today for his 4 month check up, which meant more shots. At his two month appointment, I was so nervous for them to administer the shots. I know my baby doesn't like the pain; no one does. But once they gave the vaccines (one in each thigh), his face turned purple as he tried to scream. It was the absolute most horrifying thing I've seen. The veins popped in his skull and he was so miserable. I am definitely for my children getting vaccines. So many diseases have been eradicated because of them. Scientists have done through research (*Michael Scott voice* "This check is made out to Science..."). I don't want my child to be the cause OR effect of an epidemic. I know this is super controversial and not at all what I want to talk about, so I'll stop there. His reaction isn't going to prevent me from having him get these vaccines. I have learned throughout my short time on earth that, though they may try with all their might, a parent cannot and should not shield a child from all pain. We live in a world in which we can find pain in beauty and beauty in pain. It takes a mature person to see life that way, and I hope my son will be one of those people. So if he falls and gets a scrape, I will encourage him to find positivity in that. If a girl breaks his heart, I will encourage him to figure out how that was good (after I break her face). 

So this time, I held him while he received his vaccinations. I didn't give him anything before or after because I didn't want it to affect the vaccinations. He sat in my lap and I gave him my finger to gnaw on. Yeah, he still fussed. He still really didn't like it, and even I didn't want to look. Unfortunately, it seems as if he got his mother's abhorrence for needles. But he calmed down so much faster and took a killer nap after! He was such a trooper. He was all smiles and giggles for the nurses. Doctor said he was amazing and his head is perfectly shaped! He was aware and taking it all in. I would say he did really well!

Current stats: Daxton is:

16 lbs 13.5 oz (76%)

27.5 inches (>99%)

43 cm head (86%)

How did this mama make it through? Clean Juice smoothie before, celebratory Tenders milkshake after!

Also, I had to take out D's head cushion in his carseat and move up the straps to the highest slot!

 

-T

On A New Style

I'm noticing my days are beginning to blur together. When asked for my best mom life moment this week, I couldn’t think of one. I’m realizing that the little moments I cherish as they’re happening are becoming lost in the passing of everyday. The negativities and stresses tend to block out the parts of my day that have brought me joy. 

I used to view blogging as a medium for me to write out something of true substance rather than a brief gallery of pictures or a summary of my day, because who is going to want to read that? I realized I was writing more for others than for myself. Then I started looking at what other people did with their blogs. I really appreciated the fact that they would write, regardless of the amount or quality of content. So this is what I have decided to model my blog after. I will try to blog every night so summarize the day and remember the good and the bad and reflect. I am saddened it took me so long to realize this, but I am so ready to share the positives of my life. If you’re thinking that this sounds incredibly annoying and you don’t care about my everyday life, then I encourage you not to read it.

On God's Hidden Blessings

Daxton just turned 4 months! Lucky for us, that means a 4 month sleep regression(check out this article that explains the dreaded 4 month sleep regression https://theollieworld.com/blogs/posts/the-dreaded-4-month-sleep-regression?mc_cid=38ef263dc8&mc_eid=994caaf284)! We've never had issues with getting him to sleep through the night, though he rarely slept during the day. We have found, through trial and error, that the more D sleeps during the day, the longer he sleeps at night. Unfortunately, we are losing our minds as all that we've worked for has become obsolete due to this regression. 

For the past few mornings, I've been woken up at 5 AM to a child who just won't go back to sleep. I am 100% sure he is still tired, but he FEELS rested and won't put himself back to sleep like he used to. Now if you know me, I'm not particularly kind before 9 AM, and downright cruel before 7 AM. I find myself sobbing on these mornings, praying that God will put a peace on my baby's heart so that I could even get just ONE more hour of sleep. I set him in the DockATot in bed with me to try to squeeze a little extra shut eye. I slowly drag out the wake up process we have set so that I can snooze another 15-30 minutes any chance I get. I become so angry with God for blessing my child with such an awareness that he doesn't want to sleep and miss anything. I yell to God asking what I'm getting out of this and why I'm being spread as thin as I am. 

This morning it hit me. God is giving me more time with my sweet baby. I was feeling extremely melancholic thinking about how my boy is growing up way too fast. I was getting so emotional wondering how on earth I would be able to handle watching him grow up, knowing one day he will no longer fit in my arms. Eventually, the smell of sweat and aftershave will replace the beautiful natural scent of his hair. But for now, God is saying, "Hey, you know time is fleeting, so get off your lazy butt and kiss your baby good morning." 

Once I realized this, I busted out the camera to capture the moment. Because time is fleeting. So I got off my lazy butt and kissed the heck out of this kid. Eventually, he did go back to sleep.

-T

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On Expectations, Priorities, and Failure

For many people, before having a baby, they just think how much they want a baby. When they get pregnant, it seems much more real and tangible, but you still have no idea what to expect, and how could you. Once that babe is born, everything changes. Priorities get rearranged, house roles are shifted, expectations are revisited. All that once was may no longer be. For some things, that's good and normal, healthy even. For others, not so much. 

Jobs

Both my husband and I went through a job change. I left my job. I took a permanent maternity leave. My husband lost his job, had two months of no work, and got a new job an hour away. He's is gone one less day a week (3 instead of 4), but he's still gone 11+ hours 3 of the 4 days he is home. Now, we have to figure out how to maintain a healthy family dynamic while seeing him 1 day a week. 

House Roles

This past December, Stephen and I attended a marriage conference. One of the topics was “Relationship Roles”; how you divide the things you do between the two people in the relationship, or in a family. Before baby, Stephen handled all the bills, I did most of the laundry, and we both split chores, took out the trash, and picked up the mail. Now, I have more free time to pay some bills, I have to do most of the chores, and I pick up the mail. Stephen does most of the laundry, takes out the trash on his way to work, and still handles making sure the big bills are paid.  On top of our already established roles, there are now new roles with a baby: diaper changes, baths, making sure everything is stocked (diaper bag, changing basket in our room, diaper drawer in nursery, etc.). We’ve managed to find a natural flow that works when Stephen is home and when he is not, which is an added struggle when trying to figure out roles.

Bills

There were no shortage of people to remind Stephen and I how expensive it would be to have a baby. What these people didn’t account for was the immense support we would receive from friends and family. Though we’ve barely had to pay a penny thus far for our wee one, we still had our normal bills to pay and no income in our household to do so. We combed through our finances and found things to cut and trim. I am so grateful for that period of our lives because we got rid of so many unnecessary things which allowed us to be more present in each other’s lives. We now have hospital bills added into our budget, and we’ve just now had to buy our first pack of diapers, three months in. I am so glad we were forced to reprioritize our bills so we could live a more intentional life. 

Chores

Now that I'm not working, I've taken on all the house chores, save taking out the trash and laundry. I somehow have to manage sweeping, vacuuming, organizing, cooking, dusting, filing, and general picking up while entertaining a three month old. It isn’t easy and I find myself so overwhelmed trying to manage it all, but like everyone posts on Instagram or FaceBook, the dishes can wait in the sink a little bit longer. However, with my anxiety, I need to get things done so that I can relax, unwind, and breathe. So I’m learning balance and mega-multitasking.

Meals

Oh, Lord! Please shed light on how this can be easier! Hubby and I used to love cooking in the kitchen together! We love experimenting with food and eating well, but it is so difficult to enjoy time together in when your baby is so demanding! It also doesn’t help that most nights, Stephen isn’t getting home until between 7 and 9. We resort to rice, potatoes, and pasta so much because they are quick, easy, and bear a lot of leftovers. I’m still figuring out how to have fun in the kitchen with my babe and my little babe. Really, any advice would be nice!

Personal Time

Personal time should be a number one priority. If either momma or daddy is broken, then baby won’t be looked after the way he should. Today, hubby had off from work, so he sent me to get a pedicure while he ran errands that I had on my list. Then, he manned nap time while I purged our house for Spring cleaning. I reorganized our storage closet and I feel so much better after having a day during which I had options. Stephen travels every weekend, and while that may be really rough on our family dynamic, he is able to have time to regroup and come home ready to take on whatever challenges we present him with. We make sure to prioritize our own self-care regimens so that we can best provide for our precious baby.

Sleep

The most repetitive piece of advice I got/get is to sleep when baby sleeps. But my baby doesn’t sleep during the day. So at night, I have to choose to forego the bit of stuff I could get done or sleep. Obviously, I choose to get a bit of stuff done, so I force sleep every morning. I take Daxton out of the cradle, put the Dock-a-Tot on the bed with me, give him his paci, and we go back to sleep. I do whatever i can to make our mornings as lazy as possible, so we can enjoy each other’s company and share smiles and cuddles. 

Relationship

When you have a baby, often times your relationship with your partner goes by the wayside. Life gets hard, a lot of things change, feelings become so overwhelming, anxiety grows, pressures mount, and expectations aren’t met. An incredible amount of couples end up separating after having a baby (a statistic I’m not going to look up) because they aren’t putting in the time they need to into that relationship anymore. Between work, caring for a baby, and life in general, the relationship with your partner gets put in the backseat and that makes each person feel uncared for and unappreciated. It is so important to not let your life be overcome by your baby. Your life isn’t just baby! I am a mom, but I am also a wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I love my baby, but I refuse to let motherhood define my life. My husband is important, my mother and father and sister are important, and it is important to learn to balance all these relationships rather than disregard them. 

Becoming a mom is definitely one of the hardest, scariest, most exciting things I’ve ever done, along with getting married and moving my life across the country. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it took a while for me to be able to appreciate what I have and to figure out what works for our family. It;s okay that it took a while, because we got to figure it out as a family.

-T

On Other People With My Baby

Everyone loves babies! Even the coldest person's heart will melt when a baby giggles and coos. But just because everyone loves babies and wants to see or play with them, doesn't mean I'm obligated to allow it. Now I may be the one to sound cold by not putting on a show anytime someone says, "Oh! A baby!", but I know I make a valid point and I hope others will agree. 

First things first, I have GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This will manifest itself in many ways and different times, and not every situation is created equal. Growing up in LA, I was very much used to going somewhere, getting done what had to be done, and moving on my way. Git. 'Er. Done. But in the South, there is a completely different way of getting things done. A 20 minute LA Target trip may equal a 40 minute Southern Target trip, once you account for letting people park ahead of you, nodding to the cart guy, waving to the car letting you cross, saying hello to at least two other customers who you may or may not know, completing a conversation with your checkout clerk, and passing your cart to someone else coming in or putting it in the cart return, rather than leave it in the middle of the parking spot next to you. My social anxiety is on red alert every time I go out, and it's a bit higher with a baby. If I seem to be moving quickly and as if I don't have time, it's probably best not to stop me and try to rally me into a conversation. 

Second, if I look like I'm struggling and you want to help, then that would be awesome. But the way to help is NOT asking if I need you to hold my baby. This is not just a "first time mom" thing. This is a Stranger Danger thing. Do I believe that my neighbor is going to run off with my kid. Well, it's highly unlikely, but I'm definitely not going to roll the dice on that one. If someone reeks of cigarette smoke, I'm not going to judge you, but I'm not going to let you hold my kid either. And if you've just walked up to me out of nowhere, why on Earth would I just hand over my baby to load groceries! I can do about a million things with just one hand, so please don't "offer" to hold my baby.  

Third, small talk has never been my forte. As I said earlier, I'm a person who gets stuff done. I always have a million things to do and NEVER enough time to do them all. When people try to make small talk, my mind is already thinking of a million other more productive ways to spend my time. I don't have to sit in the middle of the frozen aisle listening to you tell me about how much caring for a baby has changed. I really would rather spend those 5 minutes of you repeating how beautiful his eyes are or how big he is on something like completing my grocery list so I can get him home for nap time. And what am I supposed to do when you tell me what is best for my child under the guise of "advice". Please be respectful of my time and my child's schedule and don't follow me around the store because I won't stop to listen to you. 

Fourth, of my baby is covered, it's for a reason. He's either cold, or it's too sunny, or he's sleeping, or I want him to sleep. I don't think it's polite to ask someone to lift the cover so you can see. If you say, "Oh, a baby!"  I'm invited to ask you if you would like to see, but I have no obligation to let you see my baby. Too often people have asked, and it constantly baffles me. I have never and would never ask a mom to do something that could potentially make her uncomfortable or annoyed. If my baby is covered, leave him be. 

Also, please, please, please do not remind me how quickly my son is going to grow up! I am very aware that my days with him as a baby are limited, and you drawing attention to that does the opposite to help that situation and makes me super emotional. Every morning, I stare at my son in melancholy knowing that all too soon, he will be too big for me to hold on my hip or to pull into the nook of my arm. Every morning, I fight tears because I don’t want him to grow up and deal with the terrors of the world, but to stay young and sweet and innocent forever. Please do not bring those emotions to the surface, because there is a strong possibility I will start crying, and being your fault, you will have to deal with it. 

Kids: you gotta love ‘em, you gotta have ‘em, but you also tend to get annoyed of them. My husband and I just went to a restaurant to eat tonight. Being a Wednesday, kids ate free. We immediately regretted our decision to visit on a Wednesday night, which is unfortunate because it is really our only night for date night. There were kids yelling at my baby, kids running into our car seat Daxton was sitting in, kids trying to touch Daxton, and kids just all around getting involved in ways they really shouldn’t. Yes, I know my baby is adorable and I also am aware that he looks like such fun to play with, but it is disrespectful to do so without permission. “But they’re just kids, they don’t know any better!” You’re right! It is the job of their parents or present caregiver to teach them respect as it pertains to their self and others. I will always make sure my son is completely respectful of all people to the best of his ability. If a child came up to me and said, “Oh, your baby looks so sweet, can I say hi?”, my heart would melt of joy and happiness. I would feel so respected and my heart would be touched. Of course I would say yes! But when a child just comes up and yells, “BABY!” to my son, I will roll my eyes in annoyance and think that his parents really need to teach him a thing or two about respect.

Finally, I have nicknames for Daxton; my husband has nicknames for Daxton. If you hear us call him something, WE ARE NOT INVITING YOU TO AS WELL. There are the typical nicknames like "Bubba" or "Dax" that are obvious for everyone to call him. My husband sometime calls him "Bug". One time, someone else called Dax "Bug", and it really hurt poor hubby's heart because it was no longer just their thing. I call Dax "Chunks" because, well, he's a chunka chunk. If everyone started calling him Chunks, it would stick and I really don't want him being called "Chunks" when he's 18. The biggest one is "Mr. Sweetface". I know, super cheesy, but my husband and I were OBSESSED with Jane the Virgin, so we stole it from there. But it's ours and it's special and one day, when he goes off to college or gets married, I'll call him "Mr. Sweetface", and he'll get annoyed and whine, "Mooooom!" That is ours and I would appreciate that it stays that way. 

I know I just complained this whole post. I stood on my soapbox and had my moment. All I'm asking for is the same respect I've always given moms and that moms should always receive. A mom usually knows what is best for her baby, and for the most part, the family dynamic needs to be respected and is not public business. So please, don't disrespect me. 

-T

On Mommying Through Anxiety, Depression, and Introversion

It's no secret that I have anxiety. I have dealt with this all my life, but it wasn't until recently that I learned how to control it instead of letting it control me. I spent my entire pregnancy in therapy, mentally preparing myself for the crazy adventure ahead. I have known mothers who have dealt with issues similar to mine. Some have stayed strong and overcome their obstacles. Many have given in and let their issues steal some of their joy in many forms. I'm going to share my story and hopefully it all comes together in a cohesive way that I can actually post this!

Confidence
Anxiety is my biggest issue. It has caused me to doubt myself all my life. My confidence has always been threatened and I have the hardest time making decisions of any caliber. I literally wrote (tried to write) a song in high school with the line "Confidence is something/ Of which I know nothing". I battled depression my sophomore year of high school. I began gaining weight and was really hard on myself. Because of my self-doubt, I am an introvert. Once I gain enough confidence in a situation, I will be the life of the party, but getting there is always a battle.

Prioritize Self Care
In order to be a mother who could balance my issues and raise my child successfully, I would have to make myself a priority. I need sleep, I need to eat, I need to self-soothe, I need to read, and I need "me time". I know what I need to do to help keep the anxiety monster lurking in the shadows. Beyond self care in terms of hygiene, you need to care for your emotions, mental well-being, and your soul. I find the best ways to do this are meditation, studying my Bible, blogging, and cuddling my baby every morning.

Surround Yourself with Support
From the beginning of my pregnancy, I started thinking of women in my life I wanted to influence me in my parenting. I have a solid group of women I can contact if I need emotional support or someone to keep me accountable for breastfeeding. I am honored and lucky to have been a nanny to a family in which the mother was such a positive influence and is still a wonderful support. One of my closest friends was an OB nurse and suffered through me constantly texting and calling with a gazillion questions about the health of my child, but she never left me hanging. My own mother is my rock and created for me a wonderful influence from the beginning of my life. As a devoted and adoring mother, I know the kind of pure love I can give and I will always call upon my mom in hard times.

Stay Busy
I mean, you know yourself and what you will benefit from, but I find that if I don't sit on my couch all day and make it a point to get out with Daxton, I feel so much more successful and productive. When I'm on the go, I'm not thinking about my anxiety or depression. Every time someone coos or sees at Dax, it reminds me how joyful it is to be a mom. Every time someone asks how he's doing, I jump at the chance to brag how he is sitting up, sleeping through the night, and growing so strong! Daxton loves going out and exploring with me. It's so wonderful to create these memories together.

Be Lazy
I know I just said to stay busy, but balance your life! Every morning, D and I spend about an hour cuddling in bed. He practices sitting, he will lay in the nook of my arm, we hold hands, we play and laugh. It gets me excited to wake up in the morning! If you know me at all, you know that I am the furthest possible opposite of a morning person. The Lord doesn't bless me until about 9:00 AM. But allowing myself time to devote to doing nothing but spending lazy time with my son is such a blessing (#blessed). Many more moments to treasure!

Binge Watch/Read
Sometimes, you can't quell the beast. Know when to check out. I HATE checking out, but when I nurse, I will binge a show (currently Friends!) and allow myself some time to relax and not think about anything difficult. If I'm nursing at night, I'll read on my phone (The Chemist is SO good!) so that I can stay relaxed in the dark and focus my mind on one thing so it doesn't go wandering. Also, if anyone deals with difficulty falling asleep because of a wandering mind, I listen to movie scores and classical music so that I can focus on the instruments and let my mind drift to the music. It works!

Sleep!
I know we've all heard it a million times, but sleep when baby sleeps. I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself. Since Dax doesn't sleep too much, I don't get too much done. When he does sleep, I think of all the things I want to do, but if I don't get enough sleep, my forces wear down and the anxiety can become too overwhelming to keep in. Anxiety needs sleep!

Let Go
Sometimes, you can't help it. Literally just this night, I had a small incident. Long story short, I slammed the bathroom door in my husband's face and he was holding my son. I felt like a monster. I fell to the bathroom floor and wailed. I couldn't show my face to my son. I felt like he would hate me. It didn't help that he was crying. I knew I had been too strong for too long and I just let it out. I went out and held Dax and apologized and put him to sleep. I discussed with my husband that I'm not the type of person who needs to be calmed during those times. I'm capable of calming myself, and I'm aware of how crazy I'm being. If I'm given my space, I can get over it and move on.

It's so incredibly important to figure out what works for you and your family. Whether you're a mom or a dad, discuss with your partner what your needs are and how you can help each other. So often, we think we know our partners needs, but it's okay if we don't. We just need to remember that our partners are there to help us out. Communicate and you're golden!

-T

On Bonding With Your Babe

Reluctantly, I will admit that I am having a very hard time bonding with my baby. We have had seven weeks together, and I can count on one hand the times I have looked at him and realized that he is mine and been able to believe it. It truly saddens me that I feel like my child is a stranger to me after all this time. After so many months(let's be real...years) of anticipation, I was overeager to meet my little man. I would imagine him swinging in his swing while I put away his laundry. I dreamt of a strong, healthy boy who I would be excited to show off to all my family and friends. I never thought I would experience anything but a euphoric excitement and overwhelming joy looking at my tiny bundle. But many moms don't feel this way. Many new moms experience a lack of that bonding feeling, or maybe a sudden fear of everything, or maybe even baby blues. But after so much time waiting, the reality is much more anti-climactic than the dream.

From the beginning, my LO went against everything I had prepared for. He came a few days past his due date, despite my best efforts to help him make an early appearance. He weighed 10 pounds, while I was praying for no more than 8. And he looks EXACTLY like my husband. During my pregnancy, I imagined a little boy who looked like my husband, and that is exactly what I hoped for, but having it actually happen is a lot less rewarding than I expected. From the first pictures that went out of baby until just this morning at the doctor's office, I have been told no less than 200 times that my son is the spitting image of his father. So where does that leave me? I am an olive-skinned Hispanic woman who birthed a white baby with light hair and blue eyes. If there is anything to make you feel disconnected from your child, its definitely not looking anything like him.

How do you bond with your baby? It seems impossible to get to know someone when there is a communication barrier. As someone with strong communication skills, I get easily annoyed that I cannot communicate to my child. That doesn't stop me from trying, though. Breastfeeding is the one thing I can provide for him that no one else can. This is the time that him and I have to spend time just the two of us. Unfortunately, breastfeeding has not been the easiest thing, and getting frustrated is not how I imagine spending our quality time. We play, we read, we do tummy time, we snuggle and it gets better everyday. It really helps when he's fussy and calms when I hold him. Next on our list of activities/attempts to bond: yoga!

After spending this past year in therapy, I have become much more mature emotionally. I am better able to control, manage, and process my feelings and emotions. Because of that, I have not experienced anything more serious than bonding issues. However, if you have, just make sure to openly and honestly communicate your feelings to someone. It is common to feel a bit blue after baby. There is no shame in that if you handle the situation correctly and as soon as possible. If you feel like causing harm to yourself or your baby, please seek help, if not from a professional, than confide in your partner or someone you trust.

-T