On the Anxieties of Motherhood

I have come to the realization that motherhood is nothing but a series of small-large panic attacks in between periods of wondering when the next panic attack is going to hit. For someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, this is my constant battle. I know my triggers and I know how I should react, but my focus is so easily moved from my own mental health so that I can prioritize the needs of my baby. I forget that my babies number one need is a healthy momma, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are so many things that a new mom experiences that will set off an anxiety attack.

Uncontrollable Crying
It happens to every baby and new parent. Every new parent has to learn their child's unique needs and how baby shows his needs are not being fulfilled. But what about when you run through "the list" and still have a fussing kid. "The list" is as follows: is baby hungry, dirty, too warm or too cold, gassy, or tired? If you've answered no to all these and your baby is still a wreck, it's pretty easy to become a wreck yourself. Thoughts like, "I don't know what my child needs. I must be a terrible mother," or "Why can I not understand my own child" will cross your mind. You begin to panic because you realize you must have missed a cue and you don't know what to do, but you know you have to do something. So you cry, or yell, or stomp about. Instead, run through "the list" again because you probably forgot something. If that doesn't work, give your partner or a family member a turn trying to figure out what's wrong and walk into another room. I always think of something when I take a step back.

Judgement
This is SUCH a hard one for me. I struggle with allowing myself to feel judged and not caring what anyone thinks. Almost everyone has an opinion about babies. There is something people want to tell you about breastfeeding, or sleep, or diapering, or development, or parenting styles. Either you're holding your baby too much or not enough, or you're feeding him too much or not enough, or you take him out too much or not enough. If I have my baby out in public and he starts crying, I automatically look at how people react, how they judge me. It's torture for myself and completely unnecessary, yet somehow I can't help it. I always said I don't want to be the parent with the loud, annoying, disturbing baby. And tbh, his cry isn't that loud or annoying...it's actually really cute, but I don't really think the person behind me in line at Target or sitting on the bench in the shopping plaza agree. Instead of worrying so much about what others think, I know I should be focused on how I get to make my own parenting choices now and take pride in that. Obviously that's easier said than done.

Breastfeeding
I just wrote a whole post about this one(http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2017/01/on-what-no-one-tells-you-about.html). Case in point; breastfeeding is the toughest part of being a new mom and will naturally cause a ton of anxiety. I have to say at least half of my meltdowns have been somehow related to breastfeeding. It may not be fun, but it is worth it. When breastfeeding feels like too much, I remind myself that God gave me this ability to provide for my son like no one else can and to not take advantage of it. I don't want to do anything but cherish this time where he needs and wants what only I can give him. Breastfeeding my baby is such an important and special thing that it is important to look at it in a positive light no matter what. I am open and honest with my husband about all my feelings so that he can help me the best he can.

Big Mistakes
I don't want to write about this, mostly due to the "Judgement" section above, but I've made some pretty bad mistakes. I have dropped my phone on his head while he's nursing, almost dropped him while switching sides, and poured too water on his head in the bath that it got all over his face. In those moments, I feel like the absolute worst person on the planet. I feel incapable of raising a child. In those moments, I just hold him and cry and apologize over and over and over. Not that there is anything wrong with apologizing and loving on my babe, I need to also realize that I'm not perfect, and if I truly wasn't capable, God wouldn't have blessed me with a perfect, beautiful, healthy baby boy he deemed me worthy of caring for. If God thinks I am capable, then so should I.

Lists
It's unavoidable. As I sit still nursing, unable to get anything done, I look around the room and come up with lists of things that have to get done. The more I come up with, the more anxious I feel. I never know when I'll get enough free time to actually get anything done. But 100%, I need to focus on my new baby rather than the things that aren't getting done. If the house isn't swept or laundry isn't done, then we will breathe in a little dust and sit around the house without clean clothes for a day. I know that time with an infant is fleeting. Already my LO is almost 8 weeks old, and I cannot believe how quickly time has progressed. I will never be able to get these days back, so I need to be thankful that sweeping isn't so dire that we will all die if it doesn't get done.

Doubt
Self-doubt has been my biggest enemy. Bits of self-doubt have seeped into every aspect of my role as a new mother, and sought to steal my joy in this wonderful time. Anytime I falter, a voice deep in my head tells me I'm doing something wrong or that I don't know what I'm doing. Those moments cause temporary insanity while I try and mentally fight this voice and maintain the exterior of a positive, healthy momma. The best way to combat this is to surround yourself with people you can trust and confide in and to be honest with them. I have some great friends who reassure me I'm doing a great job and that I am capable.

Fear
There are so many things to be afraid of. From SIDS to cancer, to a car stopping too quick just in front of you when your LO is in the back, anything can get you or your child and you have absolutely zero control over that. There are precautions to take, like ensuring your child isn't surrounded with bumpers, blankets, and pillows at night, or living organic to avoid carcinogens and toxins (http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2016/03/on-living-organic.html), and making sure you have the highest rated and safest car seat possible. Ultimately, God is in control. He will decide when we all live and die and all I can do is try to live my life to fulfill His purpose for me. Proverbs 19:21 reads "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand"(ESV). As long as I remember to focus on that verse, I can work my way out of any panic attack.

Anxiety
Anxiety causes anxiety. Just yesterday, my little nest was driving home, and Daxton was crying uncontrollably. My husband pulled over into a fire station so I could try to calm the baby. We happened to be out of diapers, he was too dirty to be hungry or sleep, and we were still 10 minutes from home. I literally could do nothing to console my baby and I felt such anxiety that I couldn't move past it and instead, became upset and took it out on my husband. When I got home, I cried over Daxton and apologized that I couldn't help him, then I apologized to my ever-loving husband for having such a bad reaction. Sometimes, when you know you're acting a wreck, you get crazier. Instead, own up to your bad attitude and throw a wrench in the cycle. I promise wonderful results.

-T

On What No One Tells You About Breastfeeding

I wrote this 5 weeks ago and never got around to editing it. So I finally did! Enjoy!

I am a new mom! Only two weeks old, my baby boy and I have a system; he cries and I feed him. But this is a very delicate system that no one could have prepared me for. I am so overwhelmed by the world of breastfeeding, and I know I'm not alone. I hope someone out there will resonate with this article or be able to feel reassured at the fact that breastfeeding is difficult for almost every mom.

1. YOU'RE CONSTANTLY DOING SOMETHING WITH YOUR BOOBS.
Whether you're pumping, hand-expressing, massaging, feeding, applying cream, allowing them to air dry, or even just working out the sore spots, the girls will NOT catch a break easily.

2. THERE ARE COUNTLESS POSSIBLE ISSUES. 
My son has a high palette and I have a flat nipple (TMI?), so getting a strong healthy latch was super difficult at first. I was a mess in the birthing room with a nurse who was trying to help the best she could. Finally a lactation consultant came in and was so helpful on setting us on the right track. unfortunately, my breastfeeding story is not nearly one of the worst ones I've heard.

3. YOU WILL MOST LIKELY CRACK AND/OR BLEED. 
Unfortunately for my little guy and I, we got thrush, so I was in a whole world of pain when I breastfed. I thought I had a bad latch at first, but after watching little guy's mouth turn white and get really dry, I realized the cracking and bleeding was thrush. I was mightily alarmed when I saw the blood after unlatching, and I felt like a terrible mother because I knew I had pushed myself past the line; all the lactation consultants warned me that I needed to stop if it became too painful. Thrush is not always the cause of your pain or discomfort, but there are a ton of reasons your girls could be crying, like you're just pushing yourself too far!

4. YOU WILL TEST YOUR LIMITS. 
But it is important to know your boundaries. After pushing a 10 pound baby out in 40 minutes with a great attitude and minimal crying and screaming, my pain tolerance is a lot higher than I thought. I ended up pushing myself too far and causing myself so much anxiety, which caused a lot more issues, like accidentally feeding when I was hurting which caused bleeding while he was latched. I have never felt worse about myself or the choices I've made than at that moment. I knew I needed serious help.

5. YOU MAY NEED TO RESET YOURSELF. 
Luckily, my family was super helpful while my husband and I adjusted to our new addition. My mother, sister, and father took over one night while my husband and I got ample rest and only woke up a few times to feed the baby. That allowed me to quell my anxiety, start with a positive attitude the next morning, and my supply came back tenfold.

6. IT'S TOTALLY OKAY TO ASK QUESTIONS. 
In fact, it's a lot smarter to ask questions as soon as you think of them and use the lactation consultants if you can. I called on at least four different lactation consultants multiple times, and I still remember so much of what they said to me.

7. #fedisbest.
Don't listen to society's pressure that "breast is best". It was long ago proven that the best way to provide for your LO is to breastfeed. But the pressure that family members, doctors, nurses, and other moms put on you to breastfeed is ridiculously heavy. If you can't exclusively breastfeed, if you can't breastfeed at all, or if you choose to exclusively formula feed, good for you! You're choosing to feed your baby. Formula is SUPER expensive. If you want to spend that money after you've spent a fortune birthing your baby (thank God for insurance!) then it is your choice to do so and no one else's. I remember around week 15 of my pregnancy, my husband and I were waltzing on clouds through the baby aisles at  Target. A woman asked if we were expecting, when we were due, if we knew the gender yet. Then she asked if I was breastfeeding. I thought it was a bit invasive since she was a perfect stranger, but I replied that yes,  I am planning to exclusively breastfeed.  She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Good because breast is best and you want the best for your baby don't you?"  I was a little taken aback, but that set the stage for me to feel the pressure to breastfeed. I wouldn't allow myself to think of any alternatives. I donated the samples of formula I had received in the mail. Then the first night I had my LO home, I found out he was starving.  I would not wish that on anyone. My husband and I began to supplement with formula and I do not regret that decision one bit.  Even now when someone asks me if I am exclusively breastfeeding, I feel the pressure to explain to them my decision for supplementing, when it is no one's business but my little family's.  I was not breastfed (my mom had difficulties) and I think I'm pretty healthy and smart person. I do not resent my mom for not breastfeeding me and I have not had any bad health issues. I know that my son will not grow up and resent me for not exclusively breastfeeding him. Life goes on.

8. YOU'RE BABY MAY STARVE.
I just finished reading an article in which a woman wrote how she accidentally staved her child his first month. She was so concerned about providing the best for her baby that she didn't think that he may not be eating enough. She had issues similar to mine and ended up exclusively formula feeding after two months. She was told that she did better than 99% of other breastfeeding moms. I think any woman is a hero for even trying.  Just remember to make sure that your baby is gaining weight.

9.  IT MAY NOT HAPPEN.
If it doesn't happen for you, it is OK. So many moms struggle, and so many moms feel that there is no out. It is OK to make a decision for your mental, emotional, physical health and formula feed your baby. Your baby needs you happy and healthy more than your baby needs breastmilk. Don't let an issue so small take away from such a joyous time.

Forgive me if this was a bit more graphic than you expected, but these are the realities of life. Some moms have a much more difficult time, like my mother. If you feel society weighing you down, check out the website I found encouragement from: https://fedisbest.org/

-T