On Gender Identity

So the other day, Hubby was loading D in the car and I was in the passenger seat. I heard the woman from the car next to us ask if D was a boy or a girl. Stephen politely responded and finished buckling D in. When he joined me in the driver's seat, I told him, "Man, I really hate it when people ask that." He asked me why because he didn't mind answering, so I thought about it. I didn't really mind answering either, but I knew it was something deeper. The issue is two-fold: the identity factor and the societal factor.

First of all, D looks like a boy. To me (and my friends and family) he has some distinctive boy features. But that isn't the issue. For the first question to be about his gender is to prioritize that over anything else. His being a boy is more important than his name or age. A more appropriate question might be "What is their name?" which will usually tell you if they are a boy or girl. And if it doesn't, what is so important about a stranger knowing the gender of my baby? Once that becomes an important identity factor, it can become easy to adhere to society's "rules" about that specific gender, which leads me to the second factor.

God dictates gender. Some of you may disagree and that is fine, but I believe that it is up to God to form us as He desires. He gave me a male baby, and he will always be a male. But society decides HOW that gender is defined (http://thebringitonmom.blogspot.com/2017/03/on-gender-stereotyping.html). If a girl is going through a phase when she likes race cars and playing baseball or whatever typical "boy" interests are, it doesn't mean she identifies as a boy; she is just a girl who likes race cars and baseball. If D decides he likes princesses and playing with my makeup, I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that he was supposed to have been born a girl, because God would have handled that. I will support him whether he wants to be a drummer, a football player, a broadway star, or a ballerina. I will tell him that boys can dance just as well as girls and girls can play baseball just as well as boys. If D is wearing his amber necklace and a bonnet, I am not dressing him like a girl. I hope Daxton never feels like  he can't do something because of how he was born. And he doesn't need to change; he is perfect how God made him. 

No person is going to tell him he can't do something because he is a boy, and if they do, well they will really regret it after talking to me. When I was younger, my family went on a camping trip with other families from our church. I was DEEP in my tomboy phase, climbing trees and running around with the boys. One of the dads was leading a hike, and I went along. When we got to the end, the tip of the mountain we were hiking, I was told I couldn't go all the way to the top because I was a girl. I was dumbfounded and still scarred to this day. Obviously, Dax will know he can't go in the girls bathroom, dressing room, etc., but anything society deems just for girls or just for boys will not be a thing in our home. I like dressing Dax in gender/color neutral clothing, and I definitely regret painting his room blue. I am so excited to see what truly interests him.

On Other People With My Baby

Everyone loves babies! Even the coldest person's heart will melt when a baby giggles and coos. But just because everyone loves babies and wants to see or play with them, doesn't mean I'm obligated to allow it. Now I may be the one to sound cold by not putting on a show anytime someone says, "Oh! A baby!", but I know I make a valid point and I hope others will agree. 

First things first, I have GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This will manifest itself in many ways and different times, and not every situation is created equal. Growing up in LA, I was very much used to going somewhere, getting done what had to be done, and moving on my way. Git. 'Er. Done. But in the South, there is a completely different way of getting things done. A 20 minute LA Target trip may equal a 40 minute Southern Target trip, once you account for letting people park ahead of you, nodding to the cart guy, waving to the car letting you cross, saying hello to at least two other customers who you may or may not know, completing a conversation with your checkout clerk, and passing your cart to someone else coming in or putting it in the cart return, rather than leave it in the middle of the parking spot next to you. My social anxiety is on red alert every time I go out, and it's a bit higher with a baby. If I seem to be moving quickly and as if I don't have time, it's probably best not to stop me and try to rally me into a conversation. 

Second, if I look like I'm struggling and you want to help, then that would be awesome. But the way to help is NOT asking if I need you to hold my baby. This is not just a "first time mom" thing. This is a Stranger Danger thing. Do I believe that my neighbor is going to run off with my kid. Well, it's highly unlikely, but I'm definitely not going to roll the dice on that one. If someone reeks of cigarette smoke, I'm not going to judge you, but I'm not going to let you hold my kid either. And if you've just walked up to me out of nowhere, why on Earth would I just hand over my baby to load groceries! I can do about a million things with just one hand, so please don't "offer" to hold my baby.  

Third, small talk has never been my forte. As I said earlier, I'm a person who gets stuff done. I always have a million things to do and NEVER enough time to do them all. When people try to make small talk, my mind is already thinking of a million other more productive ways to spend my time. I don't have to sit in the middle of the frozen aisle listening to you tell me about how much caring for a baby has changed. I really would rather spend those 5 minutes of you repeating how beautiful his eyes are or how big he is on something like completing my grocery list so I can get him home for nap time. And what am I supposed to do when you tell me what is best for my child under the guise of "advice". Please be respectful of my time and my child's schedule and don't follow me around the store because I won't stop to listen to you. 

Fourth, of my baby is covered, it's for a reason. He's either cold, or it's too sunny, or he's sleeping, or I want him to sleep. I don't think it's polite to ask someone to lift the cover so you can see. If you say, "Oh, a baby!"  I'm invited to ask you if you would like to see, but I have no obligation to let you see my baby. Too often people have asked, and it constantly baffles me. I have never and would never ask a mom to do something that could potentially make her uncomfortable or annoyed. If my baby is covered, leave him be. 

Also, please, please, please do not remind me how quickly my son is going to grow up! I am very aware that my days with him as a baby are limited, and you drawing attention to that does the opposite to help that situation and makes me super emotional. Every morning, I stare at my son in melancholy knowing that all too soon, he will be too big for me to hold on my hip or to pull into the nook of my arm. Every morning, I fight tears because I don’t want him to grow up and deal with the terrors of the world, but to stay young and sweet and innocent forever. Please do not bring those emotions to the surface, because there is a strong possibility I will start crying, and being your fault, you will have to deal with it. 

Kids: you gotta love ‘em, you gotta have ‘em, but you also tend to get annoyed of them. My husband and I just went to a restaurant to eat tonight. Being a Wednesday, kids ate free. We immediately regretted our decision to visit on a Wednesday night, which is unfortunate because it is really our only night for date night. There were kids yelling at my baby, kids running into our car seat Daxton was sitting in, kids trying to touch Daxton, and kids just all around getting involved in ways they really shouldn’t. Yes, I know my baby is adorable and I also am aware that he looks like such fun to play with, but it is disrespectful to do so without permission. “But they’re just kids, they don’t know any better!” You’re right! It is the job of their parents or present caregiver to teach them respect as it pertains to their self and others. I will always make sure my son is completely respectful of all people to the best of his ability. If a child came up to me and said, “Oh, your baby looks so sweet, can I say hi?”, my heart would melt of joy and happiness. I would feel so respected and my heart would be touched. Of course I would say yes! But when a child just comes up and yells, “BABY!” to my son, I will roll my eyes in annoyance and think that his parents really need to teach him a thing or two about respect.

Finally, I have nicknames for Daxton; my husband has nicknames for Daxton. If you hear us call him something, WE ARE NOT INVITING YOU TO AS WELL. There are the typical nicknames like "Bubba" or "Dax" that are obvious for everyone to call him. My husband sometime calls him "Bug". One time, someone else called Dax "Bug", and it really hurt poor hubby's heart because it was no longer just their thing. I call Dax "Chunks" because, well, he's a chunka chunk. If everyone started calling him Chunks, it would stick and I really don't want him being called "Chunks" when he's 18. The biggest one is "Mr. Sweetface". I know, super cheesy, but my husband and I were OBSESSED with Jane the Virgin, so we stole it from there. But it's ours and it's special and one day, when he goes off to college or gets married, I'll call him "Mr. Sweetface", and he'll get annoyed and whine, "Mooooom!" That is ours and I would appreciate that it stays that way. 

I know I just complained this whole post. I stood on my soapbox and had my moment. All I'm asking for is the same respect I've always given moms and that moms should always receive. A mom usually knows what is best for her baby, and for the most part, the family dynamic needs to be respected and is not public business. So please, don't disrespect me. 

-T

On Complete Transparency

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Never has a verse been so powerful in my life. Though I didn't spend much time on it until (what I hope was) the climax of our tough season had passed, I feel like this is my new life verse. I would really like to share how Jesus has moved in our lives these past few months and how our family is now changed because of His blessings.

The biggest and most obvious blessing in our lives is our son, Daxton. We had been working on our marriage for a while and had really gotten to a good place and decided we wanted a baby. I went to see my OB and about a month later, I went back for my verification appointment! Throughout my pregnancy, I doubted if we were ready, questioned if we had rushed into our decision. My husband was always ready to reply that God obviously thought we were ready or we wouldn't be pregnant. That always put so much peace in my heart. A blessing within a blessing, Daxton wasn't due until the end of racing season. Literally, the very last day of racing season. My husband missed the last two races to stay home on baby watch, and my whole family was able to fly out in time to be there when Daxton was born (my dad arrived 5 hours before we went to the hospital!). Blessing in that was that we had round the clock help for the first few weeks since my mother-in-law came right after my mom left, two weeks after Dax was born.

A blessing in disguise: my husband lost his job a week and a half after Daxton was born. His team shut down and he was back on the market, looking for jobs, along with that entire team, when most jobs had been filled. My husband was out of work for two months, and we had a newborn! Our families were so instrumental in our survival during that time. Our friends rallied to bring us meals and would come help us whenever we needed it (I'm looking at you, Twin!). Our Pastor unknowingly delivered sermons week after week that renewed our hope and faith that God was working on something great in our lives. (Shameless plug: check out the Christmas Eve sermon from Elevation Church titled "Learning Hope the Hard Way"http://elevationchurch.org/sermons/learning-hope-the-hard-way/) My husband and I realized that God was chopping us down to our roots, pruning our lives, so that we would have room for new growth, for the new opportunities God would provide as we raise our son to be a Christ follower. We had been cut down to a stump, and we were just praying that a shoot would rise from our roots and bear fruit (Isaiah 11:1-4). We prayed as a family, individually, and each with our son.

I never truly understood the power of offering until this time. At the end of the year, our church challenges us to give sacrificially, separate from what we tithe, to aid in the expansion and growth of the church. Leading up to this offering, my husband and I would discuss what we wanted to give. We had concluded we would comfortably sacrifice a percentage of our savings without bankrupting ourselves. Well, the good Lord thought we could be challenged further. When the time came, our savings was almost depleted and we weren't receiving any income (my maternity leave was a permanent leave). My husband and I have a box on the mantle that we throw loose change and extra cash in for date nights and further dream vacations. We said that whatever was in the box was what would go to the church. That would pretty much be everything we had, save what we needed for bills, rent, and gas/groceries. There was $90 and it all went to the church. I couldn't help but think of the Poor Widow's Offering (Luke 21:1-4). A few weeks later, my husband got a job with a great team, some of whom even attend our church. He is going to be home more, his hours will be more predictable, and he was making what he was making before. On his first day, I prayed with Daxton that Dad would love his job and be excited to go to work everyday. That night, as we were getting in bed, Stephen looked at me and said, "Is it weird that I'm actually excited to go to work tomorrow?" I became so emotional and I knew that God had truly done something wonderful in our lives.

The last blessing I want to write about is that because of how God worked in our lives, I am able to stay home with my son. It will be tough, but it makes the most sense. For the first year of Daxton's life, while he breastfeeds and is still learning about the world, I will guide him as his mom. After the first year, I will probably be eager for a job, but Dax won't get much socially his first year and feeding/nursing would be too difficult. Also, I would have to make double what I was before to really make it worth the price of childcare. And that's if we can find a good place with an opening! Staying at home is going to be a positive challenge for me, but I will be there for his first steps, his first words, his first foods, his first tooth.

Because of how God has generously given to my family, I am going to spend this year giving back. I've had it on my heart for a while to get involved in leadership in the church. I highly doubt God sent me to a four-year Christian university to take so many Bible classes for nothing. He was working in my life even then. This year, I have decided to focus on the path I want to walk in the church. I have began to serve, I am starting a small group (eGroup), and I have my sights set even higher. I know God wants to use me, and I am going to Focus my Fight ("Work Your Window") on the church.

-T

On Mommying Through Anxiety, Depression, and Introversion

It's no secret that I have anxiety. I have dealt with this all my life, but it wasn't until recently that I learned how to control it instead of letting it control me. I spent my entire pregnancy in therapy, mentally preparing myself for the crazy adventure ahead. I have known mothers who have dealt with issues similar to mine. Some have stayed strong and overcome their obstacles. Many have given in and let their issues steal some of their joy in many forms. I'm going to share my story and hopefully it all comes together in a cohesive way that I can actually post this!

Confidence
Anxiety is my biggest issue. It has caused me to doubt myself all my life. My confidence has always been threatened and I have the hardest time making decisions of any caliber. I literally wrote (tried to write) a song in high school with the line "Confidence is something/ Of which I know nothing". I battled depression my sophomore year of high school. I began gaining weight and was really hard on myself. Because of my self-doubt, I am an introvert. Once I gain enough confidence in a situation, I will be the life of the party, but getting there is always a battle.

Prioritize Self Care
In order to be a mother who could balance my issues and raise my child successfully, I would have to make myself a priority. I need sleep, I need to eat, I need to self-soothe, I need to read, and I need "me time". I know what I need to do to help keep the anxiety monster lurking in the shadows. Beyond self care in terms of hygiene, you need to care for your emotions, mental well-being, and your soul. I find the best ways to do this are meditation, studying my Bible, blogging, and cuddling my baby every morning.

Surround Yourself with Support
From the beginning of my pregnancy, I started thinking of women in my life I wanted to influence me in my parenting. I have a solid group of women I can contact if I need emotional support or someone to keep me accountable for breastfeeding. I am honored and lucky to have been a nanny to a family in which the mother was such a positive influence and is still a wonderful support. One of my closest friends was an OB nurse and suffered through me constantly texting and calling with a gazillion questions about the health of my child, but she never left me hanging. My own mother is my rock and created for me a wonderful influence from the beginning of my life. As a devoted and adoring mother, I know the kind of pure love I can give and I will always call upon my mom in hard times.

Stay Busy
I mean, you know yourself and what you will benefit from, but I find that if I don't sit on my couch all day and make it a point to get out with Daxton, I feel so much more successful and productive. When I'm on the go, I'm not thinking about my anxiety or depression. Every time someone coos or sees at Dax, it reminds me how joyful it is to be a mom. Every time someone asks how he's doing, I jump at the chance to brag how he is sitting up, sleeping through the night, and growing so strong! Daxton loves going out and exploring with me. It's so wonderful to create these memories together.

Be Lazy
I know I just said to stay busy, but balance your life! Every morning, D and I spend about an hour cuddling in bed. He practices sitting, he will lay in the nook of my arm, we hold hands, we play and laugh. It gets me excited to wake up in the morning! If you know me at all, you know that I am the furthest possible opposite of a morning person. The Lord doesn't bless me until about 9:00 AM. But allowing myself time to devote to doing nothing but spending lazy time with my son is such a blessing (#blessed). Many more moments to treasure!

Binge Watch/Read
Sometimes, you can't quell the beast. Know when to check out. I HATE checking out, but when I nurse, I will binge a show (currently Friends!) and allow myself some time to relax and not think about anything difficult. If I'm nursing at night, I'll read on my phone (The Chemist is SO good!) so that I can stay relaxed in the dark and focus my mind on one thing so it doesn't go wandering. Also, if anyone deals with difficulty falling asleep because of a wandering mind, I listen to movie scores and classical music so that I can focus on the instruments and let my mind drift to the music. It works!

Sleep!
I know we've all heard it a million times, but sleep when baby sleeps. I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself. Since Dax doesn't sleep too much, I don't get too much done. When he does sleep, I think of all the things I want to do, but if I don't get enough sleep, my forces wear down and the anxiety can become too overwhelming to keep in. Anxiety needs sleep!

Let Go
Sometimes, you can't help it. Literally just this night, I had a small incident. Long story short, I slammed the bathroom door in my husband's face and he was holding my son. I felt like a monster. I fell to the bathroom floor and wailed. I couldn't show my face to my son. I felt like he would hate me. It didn't help that he was crying. I knew I had been too strong for too long and I just let it out. I went out and held Dax and apologized and put him to sleep. I discussed with my husband that I'm not the type of person who needs to be calmed during those times. I'm capable of calming myself, and I'm aware of how crazy I'm being. If I'm given my space, I can get over it and move on.

It's so incredibly important to figure out what works for you and your family. Whether you're a mom or a dad, discuss with your partner what your needs are and how you can help each other. So often, we think we know our partners needs, but it's okay if we don't. We just need to remember that our partners are there to help us out. Communicate and you're golden!

-T

On the Anxieties of Motherhood

I have come to the realization that motherhood is nothing but a series of small-large panic attacks in between periods of wondering when the next panic attack is going to hit. For someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, this is my constant battle. I know my triggers and I know how I should react, but my focus is so easily moved from my own mental health so that I can prioritize the needs of my baby. I forget that my babies number one need is a healthy momma, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are so many things that a new mom experiences that will set off an anxiety attack.

Uncontrollable Crying
It happens to every baby and new parent. Every new parent has to learn their child's unique needs and how baby shows his needs are not being fulfilled. But what about when you run through "the list" and still have a fussing kid. "The list" is as follows: is baby hungry, dirty, too warm or too cold, gassy, or tired? If you've answered no to all these and your baby is still a wreck, it's pretty easy to become a wreck yourself. Thoughts like, "I don't know what my child needs. I must be a terrible mother," or "Why can I not understand my own child" will cross your mind. You begin to panic because you realize you must have missed a cue and you don't know what to do, but you know you have to do something. So you cry, or yell, or stomp about. Instead, run through "the list" again because you probably forgot something. If that doesn't work, give your partner or a family member a turn trying to figure out what's wrong and walk into another room. I always think of something when I take a step back.

Judgement
This is SUCH a hard one for me. I struggle with allowing myself to feel judged and not caring what anyone thinks. Almost everyone has an opinion about babies. There is something people want to tell you about breastfeeding, or sleep, or diapering, or development, or parenting styles. Either you're holding your baby too much or not enough, or you're feeding him too much or not enough, or you take him out too much or not enough. If I have my baby out in public and he starts crying, I automatically look at how people react, how they judge me. It's torture for myself and completely unnecessary, yet somehow I can't help it. I always said I don't want to be the parent with the loud, annoying, disturbing baby. And tbh, his cry isn't that loud or annoying...it's actually really cute, but I don't really think the person behind me in line at Target or sitting on the bench in the shopping plaza agree. Instead of worrying so much about what others think, I know I should be focused on how I get to make my own parenting choices now and take pride in that. Obviously that's easier said than done.

Breastfeeding
I just wrote a whole post about this one(http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2017/01/on-what-no-one-tells-you-about.html). Case in point; breastfeeding is the toughest part of being a new mom and will naturally cause a ton of anxiety. I have to say at least half of my meltdowns have been somehow related to breastfeeding. It may not be fun, but it is worth it. When breastfeeding feels like too much, I remind myself that God gave me this ability to provide for my son like no one else can and to not take advantage of it. I don't want to do anything but cherish this time where he needs and wants what only I can give him. Breastfeeding my baby is such an important and special thing that it is important to look at it in a positive light no matter what. I am open and honest with my husband about all my feelings so that he can help me the best he can.

Big Mistakes
I don't want to write about this, mostly due to the "Judgement" section above, but I've made some pretty bad mistakes. I have dropped my phone on his head while he's nursing, almost dropped him while switching sides, and poured too water on his head in the bath that it got all over his face. In those moments, I feel like the absolute worst person on the planet. I feel incapable of raising a child. In those moments, I just hold him and cry and apologize over and over and over. Not that there is anything wrong with apologizing and loving on my babe, I need to also realize that I'm not perfect, and if I truly wasn't capable, God wouldn't have blessed me with a perfect, beautiful, healthy baby boy he deemed me worthy of caring for. If God thinks I am capable, then so should I.

Lists
It's unavoidable. As I sit still nursing, unable to get anything done, I look around the room and come up with lists of things that have to get done. The more I come up with, the more anxious I feel. I never know when I'll get enough free time to actually get anything done. But 100%, I need to focus on my new baby rather than the things that aren't getting done. If the house isn't swept or laundry isn't done, then we will breathe in a little dust and sit around the house without clean clothes for a day. I know that time with an infant is fleeting. Already my LO is almost 8 weeks old, and I cannot believe how quickly time has progressed. I will never be able to get these days back, so I need to be thankful that sweeping isn't so dire that we will all die if it doesn't get done.

Doubt
Self-doubt has been my biggest enemy. Bits of self-doubt have seeped into every aspect of my role as a new mother, and sought to steal my joy in this wonderful time. Anytime I falter, a voice deep in my head tells me I'm doing something wrong or that I don't know what I'm doing. Those moments cause temporary insanity while I try and mentally fight this voice and maintain the exterior of a positive, healthy momma. The best way to combat this is to surround yourself with people you can trust and confide in and to be honest with them. I have some great friends who reassure me I'm doing a great job and that I am capable.

Fear
There are so many things to be afraid of. From SIDS to cancer, to a car stopping too quick just in front of you when your LO is in the back, anything can get you or your child and you have absolutely zero control over that. There are precautions to take, like ensuring your child isn't surrounded with bumpers, blankets, and pillows at night, or living organic to avoid carcinogens and toxins (http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2016/03/on-living-organic.html), and making sure you have the highest rated and safest car seat possible. Ultimately, God is in control. He will decide when we all live and die and all I can do is try to live my life to fulfill His purpose for me. Proverbs 19:21 reads "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand"(ESV). As long as I remember to focus on that verse, I can work my way out of any panic attack.

Anxiety
Anxiety causes anxiety. Just yesterday, my little nest was driving home, and Daxton was crying uncontrollably. My husband pulled over into a fire station so I could try to calm the baby. We happened to be out of diapers, he was too dirty to be hungry or sleep, and we were still 10 minutes from home. I literally could do nothing to console my baby and I felt such anxiety that I couldn't move past it and instead, became upset and took it out on my husband. When I got home, I cried over Daxton and apologized that I couldn't help him, then I apologized to my ever-loving husband for having such a bad reaction. Sometimes, when you know you're acting a wreck, you get crazier. Instead, own up to your bad attitude and throw a wrench in the cycle. I promise wonderful results.

-T

On Bonding With Your Babe

Reluctantly, I will admit that I am having a very hard time bonding with my baby. We have had seven weeks together, and I can count on one hand the times I have looked at him and realized that he is mine and been able to believe it. It truly saddens me that I feel like my child is a stranger to me after all this time. After so many months(let's be real...years) of anticipation, I was overeager to meet my little man. I would imagine him swinging in his swing while I put away his laundry. I dreamt of a strong, healthy boy who I would be excited to show off to all my family and friends. I never thought I would experience anything but a euphoric excitement and overwhelming joy looking at my tiny bundle. But many moms don't feel this way. Many new moms experience a lack of that bonding feeling, or maybe a sudden fear of everything, or maybe even baby blues. But after so much time waiting, the reality is much more anti-climactic than the dream.

From the beginning, my LO went against everything I had prepared for. He came a few days past his due date, despite my best efforts to help him make an early appearance. He weighed 10 pounds, while I was praying for no more than 8. And he looks EXACTLY like my husband. During my pregnancy, I imagined a little boy who looked like my husband, and that is exactly what I hoped for, but having it actually happen is a lot less rewarding than I expected. From the first pictures that went out of baby until just this morning at the doctor's office, I have been told no less than 200 times that my son is the spitting image of his father. So where does that leave me? I am an olive-skinned Hispanic woman who birthed a white baby with light hair and blue eyes. If there is anything to make you feel disconnected from your child, its definitely not looking anything like him.

How do you bond with your baby? It seems impossible to get to know someone when there is a communication barrier. As someone with strong communication skills, I get easily annoyed that I cannot communicate to my child. That doesn't stop me from trying, though. Breastfeeding is the one thing I can provide for him that no one else can. This is the time that him and I have to spend time just the two of us. Unfortunately, breastfeeding has not been the easiest thing, and getting frustrated is not how I imagine spending our quality time. We play, we read, we do tummy time, we snuggle and it gets better everyday. It really helps when he's fussy and calms when I hold him. Next on our list of activities/attempts to bond: yoga!

After spending this past year in therapy, I have become much more mature emotionally. I am better able to control, manage, and process my feelings and emotions. Because of that, I have not experienced anything more serious than bonding issues. However, if you have, just make sure to openly and honestly communicate your feelings to someone. It is common to feel a bit blue after baby. There is no shame in that if you handle the situation correctly and as soon as possible. If you feel like causing harm to yourself or your baby, please seek help, if not from a professional, than confide in your partner or someone you trust.

-T

On Not Being Prepared for Parenthood

I am a new momma as of Thanksgiving 2016. During my pregnancy, I received a ridiculous amount of unsolicited advice, which I'm sure every mom can relate to. I know most people mean well, but my husband and I would laugh after every person shared their piece. "Little do they know how prepared we are," I would say. "We are the most prepared any two people could be," he would reply. While that may have been true, we were still wildly unprepared for the realities of parenthood.

A quick background; I have cared for children of all ages all my life. I was everyone's babysitter, church volunteer, and child care professional. I worked caring for infants at a small church, so I got to watch so many infants grow, I worked at a daycare and hot experience with children of all ages, and I was a nanny for four kids, one of whom was only three weeks old when I met her and is now two and a half. If there was ever anyone who could be prepared for parenthood without already being a parent, it was me. But if you are a parent, you know there are some aspects of having an infant no amount of time put in will prepare you for. If you are not a parent and you, too, think you are prepared or ready, I promise it isn't all it's chalked up to be.

Because I thought I was so prepared, my husband and I didn't take any classes or read any "parenting" books (we read one each and neither was a traditional "parenting" book). I absolutely do not regret that decision, but my ego was a bit ahead of me. My husband and I have talked for years about the type of parents we want to be and the team dynamic we want to achieve, so we thought we wouldn't encounter many of the problems we hear from parents who would say they had no experience other than their own child. We had discussed issues and problems we would face and come up with solutions as a team, and we thought we were golden. We were wrong on so many levels.

Sleep
We knew that the beginning would be rough in terms of sleep. The most common piece of advice I got as a prego was to sleep when baby sleeps. What I wasn't prepared for was what to do if my baby doesn't sleep. I was blessed with a 10 pounder. In the hospital, there was no pressure to do anything else besides feed my baby until he slept, and I had round the clock help in caring for my new babe. I had the option of sending my little guy to the nursery at night if I chose to. I did both nights I was there, very reluctantly, through tears, and at the command of my husband, doctors, and nurses. Once we got home, it was a chaotic, real-life nightmare. Eventually we got settled, and I realized having a big baby meant he would sleep through the night for the most part. It also meant he would not sleep a wink during the day. I have had to come to terms with the fact that absolutely nothing will get done in my house, which really is not easy for my "git 'er done" personality.

Exclusively Breastfeeding
This is a tough one for me. I was so unprepared for the fact that I would have any difficulties providing for my son. Obviously I get breast is best, but what if you can't BF (gee, society is rough on this one). We have been though latching problems, thrush, dehydration, and he is so big so he is always hungry! I learned that of the joys that comes with having a big baby is that he needed (still needs...who am I kidding) to eat constantly. The first night we were home, no one slept a wink and all I did was feed my baby. As morning snuck closer and closer, baby became more and more irate. Once the screaming started, hubby and I were headed to the hospital. His mouth was so dry and his lips were so cracked. On the way we called a nurse and she told us that he was simply hungry. She said it was 100% better for us to supplement with formula than to take a new infant into a hospital. My husband turned the car around and pulled into Target. I stayed in the car, still trying to nurse my hungry boy. Wouldn't you know, that right then is when my supply fully came in and I was able to support my son. We still have many difficulties with latching, but I know for a fact he is eating enough (he's gained three pounds and three inches) and he is no longer dry or chapped, so I call that a win. We still supplement because if we didn't, I wouldn't have a single moment to myself, but we cap his formula intake around 6-8 ounces a day, and the rest is up to me (I nurse about 4 hours a day).

Public Hearings
My husband and I were completely on the same page about how to handle a loud child when we are in public. We agreed it is always best to remove the child from the public eye and tend to his needs privately. While this is a great policy for an older child who has more control over his emotions, this does not work with a newborn who can only communicate by crying. For the most part, when we hear that first whimper or cry, we begin preparations to seek safety away from the general public (usually we're in Target and we start to head to checkout) and then when it becomes a full cry, I take our little one to the car while my husband checks out so we can head home ASAP. But sometimes we have things that need to get done, or we simply want to enjoy a meal out, we will bypass all our previous beliefs and discussions and give the kid a bottle and change him in the back of our car.

Coddling and Cuddling
We were in complete agreement that we did not want our child to be one of the kids who constantly needed attention or who couldn't be put down for more than a minute. We were adamant that he would not be held to the point that he became too used to it. We have had to completely scrap that. Completely; as in au revoir, sayonara, adios, no más. It was nothing we did, rather it is just his natural predisposition that he likes to cuddle and he will get upset after 20-30 minutes of independent time. My husband and I push it as much as we can, but he is still and infant and we aren't going to just leave him alone on his play mat or in his swing, crying. So we hold him. Maybe that will cause difficulties later on, but whatever. I love my son and I'm going to cuddle the heck out of him.

Schedule
I wasn't expecting for a schedule before 6 weeks, but I was shooting for 4-6. We are now at 7 weeks old and he is showing no sign of sticking to a schedule. We do have a very dependable nightly schedule, but the day is a circus, if that circus was thrown together without a schedule of events and each act tried to take the stage at the same time. I still have to feed my LO on demand, which can sometimes be once an hour! I keep telling myself that he's going through a growth spurt, but if I ever want to get back to writing or calligraphy or anything, we have to establish a schedule soon!

Free Time
Nothing gets done. I was extremely lucky that I had family staying with me in the beginning. My mom was with us for the first two whole weeks and then my mother-in-law stayed for a week. Due to the holidays, I had a lot to do in the way of wrapping and decorating and ordering cards and last minute shopping. It only got done because there was so much help readily available (see more about help below). I genuinely miss being able to do what I want whenever I wanted. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but I miss staying in bed and binging Unbreakable Kelly Schmidt all day. I miss working on a project or going on a run (I haven't been running yet PP, more so because it's too cold to take my LO). Basically, I now have a tiny dictator running my life and I am completely at his beck and call.

Help
Accept it. Don't be smug in your pride and turn down help. There is always something to be done. My husband and I are both very humble and independent and stubborn. We will not ask for help unless we are desperate because we feel that we should carry the responsibility of our child ourselves. Even if help is offered, we ask, "Are you sure?" countless times until that person seems annoyed. If my babe starts to cry and someone is holding him, I feel bad that they have to deal with my struggles while I'm getting to do anything else. When my mom was here, she knew we needed help, so she did our laundry, cleaned our kitchen, did the dishes, and other things I didn't have time for. Anytime someone is holding my LO, I now jump at the chance to throw in a load of laundry or throw some dishes in the dishwasher. I really should invest in a baby wrap...

Products
I was super picky about the products I would use for my son. I wanted only the best, as any mother would. We had loads of Honest diapers, organic washcloths, and minimal items in the way of "sleep gear". After baby was born, there was so much more to buy. We hadn't gotten a Rock 'n Play (HUGE MISTAKE), we didn't have a "cheaters swaddle" (sleep sack, miracle blanket...), and we didn't have a sound machine. We didn't have a bottle or wipe warmer (and in a North Carolina winter, everything gets super cold for night changes). Because our LO was eating so much, he was (is) peeing so much, we went through diapers at an alarming rate. When I went online to finally begin my Honest subscription, I realized I could get twice the amount of diapers for way less if I changed brands. I heard great things about up&up, and our LO doesn't care what's on his tush. I also made the change from Honest wipes (which I don't care for much from the get-go because they're pretty rough) to Huggies Natural Care. No wipe is going to be perfect, but my LO doesn't mind and I can buy a huge pack at once and not worry about it for a while. However, there are things I will not change, like our organic shampoo/wash, lotions, and formula.

Basically, you cannot be prepared for anything unless you've actually gone through it. And I'm the type to hyper prepare! Parenthood is really rough and rocky and really tests the limits of your relationship with your partner and with yourself. I have found myself thinking that it will be easier when he can sit up, or walk, or talk, or go to school, but then I realize I need to enjoy this time now because if there is anything I know for sure about parenting, it's that time is fleeting and these moments are so special. Cherish your baby at every age, every stage, every tantrum. When your child is grown, you'll miss everything they threw at you.

-T
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