On "A Letter To My Wife"

Dear Wife, 

            For the past few weeks I have been asking myself what to get you for our anniversary. Now I always have a list of things you would like and I am typically very good about getting gifts either from that list or in my mind. Every time I thought about a gift I thought would suffice, I kept thinking, "No, my wife is always so creative and thoughtful with gifts that I don't want to just buy another gift." I want to give a true gift to my wife, one that I pour my heart into, one that really focuses on who you are and your love languages. So here it is, a letter to you. Not just a letter, but a letter in which I finally spell out all the situations I always said I did not have words for. I wanted to handwrite this, but I also really wanted you to be able to read this, so I opted to type. I do hope you enjoy this.

            My wife, my sweet wife, just look at how far we have come together as one team. Can you believe today we have been married three years. We have been in North Carolina for two years and three hundred and sixty days. We got here with nothing but a part time job, a one bedroom apartment, and love. Nothing about it was easy but we made every moment together as one from the moment we got here. To watch how much you have grown is this time has truly been a blessing. You connected with a family of people we have never met and you placed them in your heart. You opened up to them and connected in your own way with each and every kid. You met a friend who is almost like a sister and a couple that took us in as their family. When I look back it makes me tear up to see how God used you. You jumped into something new, randomly meeting people and were rewarded so greatly. I’ve seen you take a real job in teaching only to discover that wasn't for you, and that leads me here.

            Tabitha when I look at you back on the past seven months, I am so proud of you. The growth I have witnessed in you puts a smile on my face. From the moment Daxton, was born you had found a calling, a calling to push yourself to be the best you can be. I watched you dig deeper then you ever have and worker harder then I could ever imagine. When I see how hard you work for not just our son but our family, I get choked up. No matter how tired, sick, or exhausted you might be, you do whatever you have to for our family, most of the time with a smile on your face. Your strength compares to none, yet you knew God called you to grow stronger. You took on serving at church; not just serving, but placing yourself in a position that meant you had to be an extrovert and greet total strangers. You have poured yourself into it and have made an example for others. As I am typing this right now, I am fighting back tears of joy thinking about the night that we were at church and you looked and me and said “I’m going to work my window”. You walked straight up to the photo coordinator, you told her who you were and what you wanted. I was in awe. You saw what you wanted and took control of the moment God gave you. Ever since that moment you have been on a mission to be you. And you, Tabitha, are amazing, creative, dedicated, and disciplined. You have a true gift. You capture the very moment God works or Daxton learns something new. You capture thought and emotion. I am running out of ways to describe this incredible talent you have. You are the inspiration for our family. You are my inspiration, my push, and my drive, but most importantly, you are my wife.

            My wife who unscrambles my thoughts when others would get annoyed. My wife who has learned to tell I am crazy or wrong in the sweetest most perfect way. My wife who encouraged me through the toughest times I have ever faced. My wife who made me into the confident father I am. My wife who led me to Christ, led me to my Joy, listens to all my goals and pushes me to achieve. You are my wife who loves me every day, and for that Tabitha, I thank you.

Love, Your Husband

On God's Hidden Blessings

Daxton just turned 4 months! Lucky for us, that means a 4 month sleep regression(check out this article that explains the dreaded 4 month sleep regression https://theollieworld.com/blogs/posts/the-dreaded-4-month-sleep-regression?mc_cid=38ef263dc8&mc_eid=994caaf284)! We've never had issues with getting him to sleep through the night, though he rarely slept during the day. We have found, through trial and error, that the more D sleeps during the day, the longer he sleeps at night. Unfortunately, we are losing our minds as all that we've worked for has become obsolete due to this regression. 

For the past few mornings, I've been woken up at 5 AM to a child who just won't go back to sleep. I am 100% sure he is still tired, but he FEELS rested and won't put himself back to sleep like he used to. Now if you know me, I'm not particularly kind before 9 AM, and downright cruel before 7 AM. I find myself sobbing on these mornings, praying that God will put a peace on my baby's heart so that I could even get just ONE more hour of sleep. I set him in the DockATot in bed with me to try to squeeze a little extra shut eye. I slowly drag out the wake up process we have set so that I can snooze another 15-30 minutes any chance I get. I become so angry with God for blessing my child with such an awareness that he doesn't want to sleep and miss anything. I yell to God asking what I'm getting out of this and why I'm being spread as thin as I am. 

This morning it hit me. God is giving me more time with my sweet baby. I was feeling extremely melancholic thinking about how my boy is growing up way too fast. I was getting so emotional wondering how on earth I would be able to handle watching him grow up, knowing one day he will no longer fit in my arms. Eventually, the smell of sweat and aftershave will replace the beautiful natural scent of his hair. But for now, God is saying, "Hey, you know time is fleeting, so get off your lazy butt and kiss your baby good morning." 

Once I realized this, I busted out the camera to capture the moment. Because time is fleeting. So I got off my lazy butt and kissed the heck out of this kid. Eventually, he did go back to sleep.

-T

SaveSave

On Complete Transparency

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Never has a verse been so powerful in my life. Though I didn't spend much time on it until (what I hope was) the climax of our tough season had passed, I feel like this is my new life verse. I would really like to share how Jesus has moved in our lives these past few months and how our family is now changed because of His blessings.

The biggest and most obvious blessing in our lives is our son, Daxton. We had been working on our marriage for a while and had really gotten to a good place and decided we wanted a baby. I went to see my OB and about a month later, I went back for my verification appointment! Throughout my pregnancy, I doubted if we were ready, questioned if we had rushed into our decision. My husband was always ready to reply that God obviously thought we were ready or we wouldn't be pregnant. That always put so much peace in my heart. A blessing within a blessing, Daxton wasn't due until the end of racing season. Literally, the very last day of racing season. My husband missed the last two races to stay home on baby watch, and my whole family was able to fly out in time to be there when Daxton was born (my dad arrived 5 hours before we went to the hospital!). Blessing in that was that we had round the clock help for the first few weeks since my mother-in-law came right after my mom left, two weeks after Dax was born.

A blessing in disguise: my husband lost his job a week and a half after Daxton was born. His team shut down and he was back on the market, looking for jobs, along with that entire team, when most jobs had been filled. My husband was out of work for two months, and we had a newborn! Our families were so instrumental in our survival during that time. Our friends rallied to bring us meals and would come help us whenever we needed it (I'm looking at you, Twin!). Our Pastor unknowingly delivered sermons week after week that renewed our hope and faith that God was working on something great in our lives. (Shameless plug: check out the Christmas Eve sermon from Elevation Church titled "Learning Hope the Hard Way"http://elevationchurch.org/sermons/learning-hope-the-hard-way/) My husband and I realized that God was chopping us down to our roots, pruning our lives, so that we would have room for new growth, for the new opportunities God would provide as we raise our son to be a Christ follower. We had been cut down to a stump, and we were just praying that a shoot would rise from our roots and bear fruit (Isaiah 11:1-4). We prayed as a family, individually, and each with our son.

I never truly understood the power of offering until this time. At the end of the year, our church challenges us to give sacrificially, separate from what we tithe, to aid in the expansion and growth of the church. Leading up to this offering, my husband and I would discuss what we wanted to give. We had concluded we would comfortably sacrifice a percentage of our savings without bankrupting ourselves. Well, the good Lord thought we could be challenged further. When the time came, our savings was almost depleted and we weren't receiving any income (my maternity leave was a permanent leave). My husband and I have a box on the mantle that we throw loose change and extra cash in for date nights and further dream vacations. We said that whatever was in the box was what would go to the church. That would pretty much be everything we had, save what we needed for bills, rent, and gas/groceries. There was $90 and it all went to the church. I couldn't help but think of the Poor Widow's Offering (Luke 21:1-4). A few weeks later, my husband got a job with a great team, some of whom even attend our church. He is going to be home more, his hours will be more predictable, and he was making what he was making before. On his first day, I prayed with Daxton that Dad would love his job and be excited to go to work everyday. That night, as we were getting in bed, Stephen looked at me and said, "Is it weird that I'm actually excited to go to work tomorrow?" I became so emotional and I knew that God had truly done something wonderful in our lives.

The last blessing I want to write about is that because of how God worked in our lives, I am able to stay home with my son. It will be tough, but it makes the most sense. For the first year of Daxton's life, while he breastfeeds and is still learning about the world, I will guide him as his mom. After the first year, I will probably be eager for a job, but Dax won't get much socially his first year and feeding/nursing would be too difficult. Also, I would have to make double what I was before to really make it worth the price of childcare. And that's if we can find a good place with an opening! Staying at home is going to be a positive challenge for me, but I will be there for his first steps, his first words, his first foods, his first tooth.

Because of how God has generously given to my family, I am going to spend this year giving back. I've had it on my heart for a while to get involved in leadership in the church. I highly doubt God sent me to a four-year Christian university to take so many Bible classes for nothing. He was working in my life even then. This year, I have decided to focus on the path I want to walk in the church. I have began to serve, I am starting a small group (eGroup), and I have my sights set even higher. I know God wants to use me, and I am going to Focus my Fight ("Work Your Window") on the church.

-T

On the Anxieties of Motherhood

I have come to the realization that motherhood is nothing but a series of small-large panic attacks in between periods of wondering when the next panic attack is going to hit. For someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, this is my constant battle. I know my triggers and I know how I should react, but my focus is so easily moved from my own mental health so that I can prioritize the needs of my baby. I forget that my babies number one need is a healthy momma, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are so many things that a new mom experiences that will set off an anxiety attack.

Uncontrollable Crying
It happens to every baby and new parent. Every new parent has to learn their child's unique needs and how baby shows his needs are not being fulfilled. But what about when you run through "the list" and still have a fussing kid. "The list" is as follows: is baby hungry, dirty, too warm or too cold, gassy, or tired? If you've answered no to all these and your baby is still a wreck, it's pretty easy to become a wreck yourself. Thoughts like, "I don't know what my child needs. I must be a terrible mother," or "Why can I not understand my own child" will cross your mind. You begin to panic because you realize you must have missed a cue and you don't know what to do, but you know you have to do something. So you cry, or yell, or stomp about. Instead, run through "the list" again because you probably forgot something. If that doesn't work, give your partner or a family member a turn trying to figure out what's wrong and walk into another room. I always think of something when I take a step back.

Judgement
This is SUCH a hard one for me. I struggle with allowing myself to feel judged and not caring what anyone thinks. Almost everyone has an opinion about babies. There is something people want to tell you about breastfeeding, or sleep, or diapering, or development, or parenting styles. Either you're holding your baby too much or not enough, or you're feeding him too much or not enough, or you take him out too much or not enough. If I have my baby out in public and he starts crying, I automatically look at how people react, how they judge me. It's torture for myself and completely unnecessary, yet somehow I can't help it. I always said I don't want to be the parent with the loud, annoying, disturbing baby. And tbh, his cry isn't that loud or annoying...it's actually really cute, but I don't really think the person behind me in line at Target or sitting on the bench in the shopping plaza agree. Instead of worrying so much about what others think, I know I should be focused on how I get to make my own parenting choices now and take pride in that. Obviously that's easier said than done.

Breastfeeding
I just wrote a whole post about this one(http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2017/01/on-what-no-one-tells-you-about.html). Case in point; breastfeeding is the toughest part of being a new mom and will naturally cause a ton of anxiety. I have to say at least half of my meltdowns have been somehow related to breastfeeding. It may not be fun, but it is worth it. When breastfeeding feels like too much, I remind myself that God gave me this ability to provide for my son like no one else can and to not take advantage of it. I don't want to do anything but cherish this time where he needs and wants what only I can give him. Breastfeeding my baby is such an important and special thing that it is important to look at it in a positive light no matter what. I am open and honest with my husband about all my feelings so that he can help me the best he can.

Big Mistakes
I don't want to write about this, mostly due to the "Judgement" section above, but I've made some pretty bad mistakes. I have dropped my phone on his head while he's nursing, almost dropped him while switching sides, and poured too water on his head in the bath that it got all over his face. In those moments, I feel like the absolute worst person on the planet. I feel incapable of raising a child. In those moments, I just hold him and cry and apologize over and over and over. Not that there is anything wrong with apologizing and loving on my babe, I need to also realize that I'm not perfect, and if I truly wasn't capable, God wouldn't have blessed me with a perfect, beautiful, healthy baby boy he deemed me worthy of caring for. If God thinks I am capable, then so should I.

Lists
It's unavoidable. As I sit still nursing, unable to get anything done, I look around the room and come up with lists of things that have to get done. The more I come up with, the more anxious I feel. I never know when I'll get enough free time to actually get anything done. But 100%, I need to focus on my new baby rather than the things that aren't getting done. If the house isn't swept or laundry isn't done, then we will breathe in a little dust and sit around the house without clean clothes for a day. I know that time with an infant is fleeting. Already my LO is almost 8 weeks old, and I cannot believe how quickly time has progressed. I will never be able to get these days back, so I need to be thankful that sweeping isn't so dire that we will all die if it doesn't get done.

Doubt
Self-doubt has been my biggest enemy. Bits of self-doubt have seeped into every aspect of my role as a new mother, and sought to steal my joy in this wonderful time. Anytime I falter, a voice deep in my head tells me I'm doing something wrong or that I don't know what I'm doing. Those moments cause temporary insanity while I try and mentally fight this voice and maintain the exterior of a positive, healthy momma. The best way to combat this is to surround yourself with people you can trust and confide in and to be honest with them. I have some great friends who reassure me I'm doing a great job and that I am capable.

Fear
There are so many things to be afraid of. From SIDS to cancer, to a car stopping too quick just in front of you when your LO is in the back, anything can get you or your child and you have absolutely zero control over that. There are precautions to take, like ensuring your child isn't surrounded with bumpers, blankets, and pillows at night, or living organic to avoid carcinogens and toxins (http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2016/03/on-living-organic.html), and making sure you have the highest rated and safest car seat possible. Ultimately, God is in control. He will decide when we all live and die and all I can do is try to live my life to fulfill His purpose for me. Proverbs 19:21 reads "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand"(ESV). As long as I remember to focus on that verse, I can work my way out of any panic attack.

Anxiety
Anxiety causes anxiety. Just yesterday, my little nest was driving home, and Daxton was crying uncontrollably. My husband pulled over into a fire station so I could try to calm the baby. We happened to be out of diapers, he was too dirty to be hungry or sleep, and we were still 10 minutes from home. I literally could do nothing to console my baby and I felt such anxiety that I couldn't move past it and instead, became upset and took it out on my husband. When I got home, I cried over Daxton and apologized that I couldn't help him, then I apologized to my ever-loving husband for having such a bad reaction. Sometimes, when you know you're acting a wreck, you get crazier. Instead, own up to your bad attitude and throw a wrench in the cycle. I promise wonderful results.

-T

On Becoming a Mother

A letter I wrote to my unborn son:

November 21, 2016

Dear Daxton,

At this point, your due date has come and gone as of one hour ago. True, your due date changed a bit, but your dad and I liked the 20 best, so that’s what we stuck with. Unfortunately, you didn’t agree and you're still stuck in there, though it does seem like you want out. Your daddy and I want you out too and we are so hoping you make an appearance tomorrow. Your grandma is here, your Aunt CC (whatever you decide to call her is what we will go with) got in yesterday morning, and your grandpa is coming in Thanksgiving morning. We would love to celebrate your first Thanksgiving all together, so feel free to join us!

I am actually glad that you are still comfortable in the womb. You are already forming your personality of independence and self-awareness, which are traits I have prayed for in my children. These traits must be such a part of you that no crazy midwife concoction I ingest will get you to budge. I continue to pray that your father and I will be able to instill traits in you that will make you a strong man one day. Perhaps the most important traits are confidence, joy, chivalry, independence, empathy, self-control, and patience. Confidence is something that one can either have too much of, too little, or just the right amount. I pray that I challenge your confidence as much as I encourage it to get the right balance. Happiness may be important, but it comes from the world. Joy comes from Jesus and that is something I want you to learn you cannot live without. I pray that your never take for granted your faith or the freedom you have to practice that faith.

Your father is one of the only chivalrous men left on this planet. No other man has ever gone out of his way to open my car door, consistently made sure I was comfortable, or has brought me flowers just because. When your daddy wanted to propose, he asked your grandpa and grandma if he could marry their daughter. He has always made sure that I include my family in my everyday life. I pray that you are the type of gentleman for which all this is second nature, and that one day, when you find a woman you want to date, you naturally know you introduce yourself to her family and have her home early. I pray that you date to marry and you never go breaking a girl’s heart.

Independence is going to be a hard one for me as your mother. I want nothing more than a child who is confident enough in his own skin to not need me, but I want you to know I will always be there for you. You may be able to drive yourself to your football games, but I will always cheer you on. You may end up running into preschool shouting “Bye, Momma” over your shoulder, but I will peek in through the windows to watch you grow. Do not take this as mistrust, rather my fulfillment of joy as a parent at the person I get to watch you become.

Empathy, my dear, is something I will be teaching from day one. I apologize half-heartedly in advance for the constant prodding you will hear in your head to think before you act or speak. I truly believe empathy is the heart and soul of life. If you are able to empathize, you can understand people of the world and make some valuable connections. If you can empathize, we will always be able to communicate openly and honestly. I pray that you are a thoughtful individual who never doubts that he is able. Similar to empathy would be your ability to maintain self-control. Know yourself and what makes you tick. Know your true limits and be able to differentiate them from the limits you put on yourself and then challenge those limits. I pray that you pay attention to yourself and your needs just as much as you pay attention to those around you. Just because you are caring and empathetic doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own well-being.

Finally, my love, I pray for your patience. Your father and I are doing this parenting thing for the first time. We have plenty of experience, but I know that our experience will either make us over confident, or slap us hard in the face letting us know nothing could truly prepare us for parenthood. Your father and I may not always agree on things, and we will ask for your patience while we figure it out. Food may not always be ready when you want it, and toys may not always be available when you look for them, during which times we will ask for your patience. When you do something for the first time, we will be too, so I pray that it is through us that you witness and learn how to be patient.

Above all, I pray for your soul; that you may know Jesus Christ and call Him friend. I pray that your father and I can guide you well enough that you are excited for church and that you make your own decision to dedicate your life to Christ through baptism when you are old enough to comprehend what that means and the weight of this decision in today’s world. I pray that you are not swayed or tempted by the world we live in and that you live to one day live in God’s kingdom. You are our biggest blessing and our most exciting adventure. We absolutely cannot wait to hold you in our arms and tell you everyday how much we love you.

Always,

Your loving mother