On Gender Identity

So the other day, Hubby was loading D in the car and I was in the passenger seat. I heard the woman from the car next to us ask if D was a boy or a girl. Stephen politely responded and finished buckling D in. When he joined me in the driver's seat, I told him, "Man, I really hate it when people ask that." He asked me why because he didn't mind answering, so I thought about it. I didn't really mind answering either, but I knew it was something deeper. The issue is two-fold: the identity factor and the societal factor.

First of all, D looks like a boy. To me (and my friends and family) he has some distinctive boy features. But that isn't the issue. For the first question to be about his gender is to prioritize that over anything else. His being a boy is more important than his name or age. A more appropriate question might be "What is their name?" which will usually tell you if they are a boy or girl. And if it doesn't, what is so important about a stranger knowing the gender of my baby? Once that becomes an important identity factor, it can become easy to adhere to society's "rules" about that specific gender, which leads me to the second factor.

God dictates gender. Some of you may disagree and that is fine, but I believe that it is up to God to form us as He desires. He gave me a male baby, and he will always be a male. But society decides HOW that gender is defined (http://thebringitonmom.blogspot.com/2017/03/on-gender-stereotyping.html). If a girl is going through a phase when she likes race cars and playing baseball or whatever typical "boy" interests are, it doesn't mean she identifies as a boy; she is just a girl who likes race cars and baseball. If D decides he likes princesses and playing with my makeup, I'm not going to jump to the conclusion that he was supposed to have been born a girl, because God would have handled that. I will support him whether he wants to be a drummer, a football player, a broadway star, or a ballerina. I will tell him that boys can dance just as well as girls and girls can play baseball just as well as boys. If D is wearing his amber necklace and a bonnet, I am not dressing him like a girl. I hope Daxton never feels like  he can't do something because of how he was born. And he doesn't need to change; he is perfect how God made him. 

No person is going to tell him he can't do something because he is a boy, and if they do, well they will really regret it after talking to me. When I was younger, my family went on a camping trip with other families from our church. I was DEEP in my tomboy phase, climbing trees and running around with the boys. One of the dads was leading a hike, and I went along. When we got to the end, the tip of the mountain we were hiking, I was told I couldn't go all the way to the top because I was a girl. I was dumbfounded and still scarred to this day. Obviously, Dax will know he can't go in the girls bathroom, dressing room, etc., but anything society deems just for girls or just for boys will not be a thing in our home. I like dressing Dax in gender/color neutral clothing, and I definitely regret painting his room blue. I am so excited to see what truly interests him.

On My Need to be Needed

Daxton is currently asleep in his crib in his room. It has just started pouring and there is a crazy amount of thunder and lightning outside. I woke Stephen up because I know he loves thunderstorms. He checked his radar and told me the storm isn't actually here yet, so it's going to get a lot worse ("hail likely"). I said, "Well he's going to wake up!" I keep checking the monitor and he hasn't moved. Why am I so frantically checking and wondering about him? He's slept through bad storms before and made it through tornado warnings. But I thought to myself how cute and sweet it would be when he's older and we have a storm and he rushes into our room because the sounds scare him and he needs us. How terrible that I'm actually excited for him to be frightened! But it's because I want him to need me.

We have just started the transition from Daxton sleeping in our room into his crib in his room. I know, judge me all you want for waiting to month six, but I love my baby and I want to keep him little forever. It's been hard. I have spoken with a sleep consultant and I didn't realize how badly my need to be needed was affecting him. When Dax would have a hard time sleeping, I would put him in bed with us (even though I adamantly preached against it) so I could nurse him and hold him close. I have grown to crave those times when he falls asleep in my arms and we can nap for two hours together. But the constant advised me that we needed to cut it out and be consistent, meaning no more naps with mom, at least until he gets a routine and understands sleeping in his crib. The consultant told me, "It is no longer your job to put him to sleep, but to teach him to sleep on his own and support him as he does." This really helped put me in the right mindset so I knew I was still needed. So Stephen and I planned on starting this process on a night before he was off of work incase it went absolutely terribly. Every morning leading up to that day, I spent loving D extra hard and keeping him in bed with me longer. These are my absolute favorite memories. I can't say it was great, but I can say it didn't go as badly as we expected. And each night since has gotten increasingly better. But he still wakes up because he needs love and comfort from us.

We will never not be needed. Actually, we will never not be desired. At this point, I don't NEED my parents, but I really, really need my parents. I truly, deeply wish that they were here, and not 2,000+ miles away. I would love for my mom to just show up and clean my house while I snuggled with D or my Dad to run errands for/with me. Being a new parent is hard and it would be so nice to have my parents. I will never stop needing them. At this stage in Daxton's life, he needs me intensely. He literally can't do anything on his own. He can feed himself, but he can't make his own food. He can move throughout the house, but he can't open doors. He can sleep, but he needs help getting there. After this phase of life, he will need me to teach him how to behave, how to be well-mannered and respectful. He will need me to guide him through his faith and figure out his passions in life. When he gets involved with sports and school and friends, he will need me to drive around. He will come to expect me to just do for him what he needs, but I will do it gladly, knowing he doesn't understand that I can choose not to drive him around, knowing that to him, that is my job. Eventually, he will be a teenager, and Lord knows he will need me, with those dimples and those eyes. It will be my job to teach him expectations and self-care. It will be mine and Stephen's job to teach him how to love and how to be loved. We will teach him the value of an education and encourage him to go to college, or at least some next level school to perfect what it is he wants to do. We will teach him to drive and he will then learn how time consuming it all was for us as parents to constantly cart him around. And when he goes to college, we will still be needed: laundry on weekends, meals when ramen is no longer edible, a place for his roommates to crash during the holidays. When he gets married, he will need us. He won't realize how unprepared he will be for marriage until after he is married (all you married people know what I'm talking about). And then when he has a baby, well as I said earlier, I really need my mom and dad. That's when I can share with him small lessons I learned as I was a new parent and how it really grows you and rewards you, despite the difficulties. And perhaps there will come a time when I no longer have anything to give, but I hope that he will then come to my aid, when I cannot stand by self or walk up stairs, or even when I just want to talk. I want to parent how God parents (my friend just pointed out God's parenting style to me). I want to be merciful and gracious and loving, but also allowing teaching moments so that my child will grow to be all I know he can be. And then one day, he will come to me realizing all I've done for him, all the times he should've listened to me instead of learning something the hard way, and I will just give him a hug and make him a meal. But even God wishes to be desired, to be needed, which is why He gave us free will, so we could CHOOSE to love him and turn to him. God rejoices in our prayer because we are recognizing that we need his help. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be needed, I just don't have to be excited for the difficulties my children will ultimately face because I know that I will always be needed.

On Continual Growth

Tonight, as I was putting Daxton to bed, I wondered if he is going to sleep well tonight. Last night, he slept until 4:30 and Stephen and I were ecstatic, hoping we had made it through the worst part of the sleep regression. I jokingly told Stephen it was our reward for giving time to the church for Good Friday when we could have had a family day instead. Tonight I thought, "Maybe there was something to that comment and maybe he will sleep well tonight because I served again and I'm really feeling the power of the Lord". But how silly is that; I am not serving because of the benefits or rewards, I am serving because I want to connect with others and grow in my faith. As I laid D down, I heard God remind me, "It isn't going to be easy." If I continue to look for ease or comfort, I will never be challenged, so I will never grow. Life is about continual growth. Earth experiences challenges every year. During winter, trees lose their leaves and grass is browned. But once spring comes, we see how the earth grows again out of it's challenges; a beautiful cycle set forth by the Creator. Winter is not easy for many, but come spring, we are able to see such wonderful rebirth. As a parent, we will face challenges, dry season, and a lot of storms, but the beautiful growth we will see in our children is such a magical thing. All our challenges, all our struggles, will bring forward some type of growth. It may not be something tangible, it may not be something big, it may not even be soon-God's timing will always trump our own-but it will happen. During your storms, pray for growth and pray for patience. Give God a chance to work in your life and you will be amazed with the outcome!