On Becoming a Size 6

***I wrote this yesterday but was nervous to post it because a lot of people may be offended and disagree with me. I fell asleep shortly after writing. Once I slept on it, I realized this is my opinion and that doesn't make it right or wrong, just an opinion of something I did and wanted to share***

So today is the day I realized I am a size 6. My weight loss journey began when I moved to NC. I knew I was unhappy with my weight and my lifestyle, so I changed it. Upon getting married and moving across the country, I had no job and a new spouse to impress. I began to really get into creative cooking. I had more time to work out and eat proper meals. I was drinking A LOT of water. I became close to a family who changed my life and redirected me down a path of health and wellness. They welcomed me into the "organic" realm and I began to be very conscious about what I ate AND where I got it from. I have always been a runner, and I used that as an outlet for stress, restlessness, anxiety, excitement, etc. My jobs were physically demanding and without setting any goals or making any diet plans, I lost about 25 lbs and 4 dress sizes. All I did was change my lifestyle, and that is ultimately what health and wellness are about. I understand positive body image and feeling good about "the skin you're in", but if you aren't living a healthy lifestyle, that isn't okay. Bad food=bad feeling. I cannot eat fast food anymore (Chick Fil A doesn't count, obvs) because I know how crappy I will feel after (and during). And don't get me wrong, I mess up. I just had half a Coke with dinner because Stephen brought it home for me and I didn't have the willpower to dump it. But I cannot and will not lose this progress I made. It extends beyond my weight. I have found I am able to get a much better hold over my emotions and anxiety, I am happier, I have more motivation to stay active, and knowing I am in shape helps that smile stay on my face a lot longer. 

So today, when I received a gift with a pair of pants size 6, I laughed to myself, thinking I would definitely need to exchange them for a bigger size. I tried them on and they were a bit tight so I went to the store to exchange them for a bigger size. The saleswoman asked if I was sure I wanted to exchange for a size 8 (still a stretch in my mind) because I looked like a size 6. I replied I definitely need a bigger size, laughing in my head, not thinking that she sees a hundred different people a day and she might know a thing or two about sizing. She had me try on a different style in a 6 and they fit AMAZING! I got those too because they were SO comfortable! I asked another saleswoman why the other size 6 was so tight and if their sizes weren't consistent. She said it was due to  high compression in the first pair versus none in the second. I asked which she thought was more accurate, because the woman up front must still be wrong, and she said she definitely thought I was a size 6 from the start. My mind was blown. I was definitely not expecting that to happen. I left with two size 6 pants wearing a pair of size 10 shorts I realized are too big on me and I subconsciously wash in hot water to shrink them up after each wear. I didn't believe in myself at all. If it wasn't for the salespeople being so helpful and interactive, I wouldn't be feeling so successful now. After 3 years and a 10 lb baby, I am so proud of myself and I am going to use this happiness to push myself to continue my lifestyle; organic and dairy-free. We eat balanced meals and don't buy junk (anymore). I walk/run-have to build back my endurance-with Daxton and we've been swimming a lot. Carrying Daxton alone is a workout! I believe in being healthy and fit, not skinny or thin. It doesn't matter if you're a size 0 or a size 10, as long as you have a healthy lifestyle and prioritize your health and wellness, you definitely should be comfortable in your skin!

July 2012

June 2017

These aren't great comp pictures, but like I said, I didn't set out to lose weight, just live a better lifestyle. I am so comfortable in my skin now and I know it's because I am healthy, fit, and well.

"Dear friend, I hope all is well with you and that you are as healthy in body as you are strong in spirit." 3 John 1:2

On My Need to be Needed

Daxton is currently asleep in his crib in his room. It has just started pouring and there is a crazy amount of thunder and lightning outside. I woke Stephen up because I know he loves thunderstorms. He checked his radar and told me the storm isn't actually here yet, so it's going to get a lot worse ("hail likely"). I said, "Well he's going to wake up!" I keep checking the monitor and he hasn't moved. Why am I so frantically checking and wondering about him? He's slept through bad storms before and made it through tornado warnings. But I thought to myself how cute and sweet it would be when he's older and we have a storm and he rushes into our room because the sounds scare him and he needs us. How terrible that I'm actually excited for him to be frightened! But it's because I want him to need me.

We have just started the transition from Daxton sleeping in our room into his crib in his room. I know, judge me all you want for waiting to month six, but I love my baby and I want to keep him little forever. It's been hard. I have spoken with a sleep consultant and I didn't realize how badly my need to be needed was affecting him. When Dax would have a hard time sleeping, I would put him in bed with us (even though I adamantly preached against it) so I could nurse him and hold him close. I have grown to crave those times when he falls asleep in my arms and we can nap for two hours together. But the constant advised me that we needed to cut it out and be consistent, meaning no more naps with mom, at least until he gets a routine and understands sleeping in his crib. The consultant told me, "It is no longer your job to put him to sleep, but to teach him to sleep on his own and support him as he does." This really helped put me in the right mindset so I knew I was still needed. So Stephen and I planned on starting this process on a night before he was off of work incase it went absolutely terribly. Every morning leading up to that day, I spent loving D extra hard and keeping him in bed with me longer. These are my absolute favorite memories. I can't say it was great, but I can say it didn't go as badly as we expected. And each night since has gotten increasingly better. But he still wakes up because he needs love and comfort from us.

We will never not be needed. Actually, we will never not be desired. At this point, I don't NEED my parents, but I really, really need my parents. I truly, deeply wish that they were here, and not 2,000+ miles away. I would love for my mom to just show up and clean my house while I snuggled with D or my Dad to run errands for/with me. Being a new parent is hard and it would be so nice to have my parents. I will never stop needing them. At this stage in Daxton's life, he needs me intensely. He literally can't do anything on his own. He can feed himself, but he can't make his own food. He can move throughout the house, but he can't open doors. He can sleep, but he needs help getting there. After this phase of life, he will need me to teach him how to behave, how to be well-mannered and respectful. He will need me to guide him through his faith and figure out his passions in life. When he gets involved with sports and school and friends, he will need me to drive around. He will come to expect me to just do for him what he needs, but I will do it gladly, knowing he doesn't understand that I can choose not to drive him around, knowing that to him, that is my job. Eventually, he will be a teenager, and Lord knows he will need me, with those dimples and those eyes. It will be my job to teach him expectations and self-care. It will be mine and Stephen's job to teach him how to love and how to be loved. We will teach him the value of an education and encourage him to go to college, or at least some next level school to perfect what it is he wants to do. We will teach him to drive and he will then learn how time consuming it all was for us as parents to constantly cart him around. And when he goes to college, we will still be needed: laundry on weekends, meals when ramen is no longer edible, a place for his roommates to crash during the holidays. When he gets married, he will need us. He won't realize how unprepared he will be for marriage until after he is married (all you married people know what I'm talking about). And then when he has a baby, well as I said earlier, I really need my mom and dad. That's when I can share with him small lessons I learned as I was a new parent and how it really grows you and rewards you, despite the difficulties. And perhaps there will come a time when I no longer have anything to give, but I hope that he will then come to my aid, when I cannot stand by self or walk up stairs, or even when I just want to talk. I want to parent how God parents (my friend just pointed out God's parenting style to me). I want to be merciful and gracious and loving, but also allowing teaching moments so that my child will grow to be all I know he can be. And then one day, he will come to me realizing all I've done for him, all the times he should've listened to me instead of learning something the hard way, and I will just give him a hug and make him a meal. But even God wishes to be desired, to be needed, which is why He gave us free will, so we could CHOOSE to love him and turn to him. God rejoices in our prayer because we are recognizing that we need his help. I don't see anything wrong with wanting to be needed, I just don't have to be excited for the difficulties my children will ultimately face because I know that I will always be needed.

On Expectations, Priorities, and Failure

For many people, before having a baby, they just think how much they want a baby. When they get pregnant, it seems much more real and tangible, but you still have no idea what to expect, and how could you. Once that babe is born, everything changes. Priorities get rearranged, house roles are shifted, expectations are revisited. All that once was may no longer be. For some things, that's good and normal, healthy even. For others, not so much. 

Jobs

Both my husband and I went through a job change. I left my job. I took a permanent maternity leave. My husband lost his job, had two months of no work, and got a new job an hour away. He's is gone one less day a week (3 instead of 4), but he's still gone 11+ hours 3 of the 4 days he is home. Now, we have to figure out how to maintain a healthy family dynamic while seeing him 1 day a week. 

House Roles

This past December, Stephen and I attended a marriage conference. One of the topics was “Relationship Roles”; how you divide the things you do between the two people in the relationship, or in a family. Before baby, Stephen handled all the bills, I did most of the laundry, and we both split chores, took out the trash, and picked up the mail. Now, I have more free time to pay some bills, I have to do most of the chores, and I pick up the mail. Stephen does most of the laundry, takes out the trash on his way to work, and still handles making sure the big bills are paid.  On top of our already established roles, there are now new roles with a baby: diaper changes, baths, making sure everything is stocked (diaper bag, changing basket in our room, diaper drawer in nursery, etc.). We’ve managed to find a natural flow that works when Stephen is home and when he is not, which is an added struggle when trying to figure out roles.

Bills

There were no shortage of people to remind Stephen and I how expensive it would be to have a baby. What these people didn’t account for was the immense support we would receive from friends and family. Though we’ve barely had to pay a penny thus far for our wee one, we still had our normal bills to pay and no income in our household to do so. We combed through our finances and found things to cut and trim. I am so grateful for that period of our lives because we got rid of so many unnecessary things which allowed us to be more present in each other’s lives. We now have hospital bills added into our budget, and we’ve just now had to buy our first pack of diapers, three months in. I am so glad we were forced to reprioritize our bills so we could live a more intentional life. 

Chores

Now that I'm not working, I've taken on all the house chores, save taking out the trash and laundry. I somehow have to manage sweeping, vacuuming, organizing, cooking, dusting, filing, and general picking up while entertaining a three month old. It isn’t easy and I find myself so overwhelmed trying to manage it all, but like everyone posts on Instagram or FaceBook, the dishes can wait in the sink a little bit longer. However, with my anxiety, I need to get things done so that I can relax, unwind, and breathe. So I’m learning balance and mega-multitasking.

Meals

Oh, Lord! Please shed light on how this can be easier! Hubby and I used to love cooking in the kitchen together! We love experimenting with food and eating well, but it is so difficult to enjoy time together in when your baby is so demanding! It also doesn’t help that most nights, Stephen isn’t getting home until between 7 and 9. We resort to rice, potatoes, and pasta so much because they are quick, easy, and bear a lot of leftovers. I’m still figuring out how to have fun in the kitchen with my babe and my little babe. Really, any advice would be nice!

Personal Time

Personal time should be a number one priority. If either momma or daddy is broken, then baby won’t be looked after the way he should. Today, hubby had off from work, so he sent me to get a pedicure while he ran errands that I had on my list. Then, he manned nap time while I purged our house for Spring cleaning. I reorganized our storage closet and I feel so much better after having a day during which I had options. Stephen travels every weekend, and while that may be really rough on our family dynamic, he is able to have time to regroup and come home ready to take on whatever challenges we present him with. We make sure to prioritize our own self-care regimens so that we can best provide for our precious baby.

Sleep

The most repetitive piece of advice I got/get is to sleep when baby sleeps. But my baby doesn’t sleep during the day. So at night, I have to choose to forego the bit of stuff I could get done or sleep. Obviously, I choose to get a bit of stuff done, so I force sleep every morning. I take Daxton out of the cradle, put the Dock-a-Tot on the bed with me, give him his paci, and we go back to sleep. I do whatever i can to make our mornings as lazy as possible, so we can enjoy each other’s company and share smiles and cuddles. 

Relationship

When you have a baby, often times your relationship with your partner goes by the wayside. Life gets hard, a lot of things change, feelings become so overwhelming, anxiety grows, pressures mount, and expectations aren’t met. An incredible amount of couples end up separating after having a baby (a statistic I’m not going to look up) because they aren’t putting in the time they need to into that relationship anymore. Between work, caring for a baby, and life in general, the relationship with your partner gets put in the backseat and that makes each person feel uncared for and unappreciated. It is so important to not let your life be overcome by your baby. Your life isn’t just baby! I am a mom, but I am also a wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I love my baby, but I refuse to let motherhood define my life. My husband is important, my mother and father and sister are important, and it is important to learn to balance all these relationships rather than disregard them. 

Becoming a mom is definitely one of the hardest, scariest, most exciting things I’ve ever done, along with getting married and moving my life across the country. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it took a while for me to be able to appreciate what I have and to figure out what works for our family. It;s okay that it took a while, because we got to figure it out as a family.

-T