On Anxiety and Introversion

Y'all, I hate being an introvert. I want to be the person to start conversations or join in one. I hate sitting on the sidelines observing others chatting away. But that's what I am: an observer. Because of my empathy, I find it overwhelming to talk to so many people, so I observe. Because of my introversion, I am exhausted after being surrounded by a large group, but I don't mind. Because of my anxiety, I'm constantly questioning what I want to say or what I did say. I am the kind of person who will be anxious over something I said that I thought was weird for days. I will ask myself why I say or do things that can be construed as creepy or weird or annoying and chastise myself for continuing to do so. What that leaves me with is nothing to say.

This week, I have found myself in multiple situations that call upon my above flaws. I feel these things over social media as well. If I message someone that I don't have their number and they don't give it to me, I think they obviously don't want to interact with me. I will reach out to moms on Instagram and if they don't reply, I question if I came on too strong. IRL I hate walking around large groups of people basically waiting for a conversation I can join in and I just seem to be lurking. And the worst is when you're talking to someone and someone else comes to talk to them and they start having a conversation completely irrelevant to you so you just turn around and kind of disappear.

What it boils down to is my brain. That sounds weird but let me explain. My thoughts run at 160 miles/minute. As I am in these social situations, I remember times that I've embarrassed myself or heard of an embarrassing situation and I try to avoid that. I think back to 3rd grade when I was told at a sleepover that I was too loud, so I try and speak quietly. I think back to Kindergarten when I was told, "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all," which I've translated to, "If you don't have something constructive to say, don't say anything." I think back to sometime in elementary school when I tried to tell my church leaders I had a wedgie but said "hickey" for some reason, and they obviously gave me a weird look. I think back to every whisper in my direction, every strange look, every denied text or turned shoulder, and I get anxious. My husband and I have a routine that when we go out, he is the ice breaker and I hit the home run. It's not that I won't talk, I'm just too nervous to start the conversation. So Stephen will introduce us, do the small talk (oh, the agony!), find some common ground which is when I step in and knock stout of the park. But he isn't home a lot so I find myself growing in situations I'm sure are a million times worse in my head, but I have no one to ground me. Another part of this feeling is this generation. We are so used to instant gratification that we freak out when someone doesn't answer our text within 5 minutes. I know my love language is Words of Affirmation, and I need people to verbally quell my anxieties and fears in order to stop them. If I make a big purchase and I'm nervous about Stephen's reaction, the minute he blows it off or justifies it, my heart stops pounding and I can breathe again. When I get verbal feedback on my work, I am always so relieved to at least know what the other person is thinking. Anytime I'm asked which superpower I would want, I always say to read people's minds. I wouldn't need to fish for verbal confirmation. I hate fishing, but I don't have the confidence to ask outright if someone could help me get a job or to tell me how my work is improving.

Even now as I type, I am wondering if I should even continue this post. I ask my self what the purpose is for typing this. Am I even going to publish it? Sometimes I just have to do it. I just have to suck it up and start a conversation. Sometimes I have to bite the bullet and make the difficult phone call (anyone else have a hard time talking to some people on the phone?). So I hope this crazy mess of word vomit can help someone somehow just know they're not alone. If anything, it was a nice venting session.

On Becoming a Mother

A letter I wrote to my unborn son:

November 21, 2016

Dear Daxton,

At this point, your due date has come and gone as of one hour ago. True, your due date changed a bit, but your dad and I liked the 20 best, so that’s what we stuck with. Unfortunately, you didn’t agree and you're still stuck in there, though it does seem like you want out. Your daddy and I want you out too and we are so hoping you make an appearance tomorrow. Your grandma is here, your Aunt CC (whatever you decide to call her is what we will go with) got in yesterday morning, and your grandpa is coming in Thanksgiving morning. We would love to celebrate your first Thanksgiving all together, so feel free to join us!

I am actually glad that you are still comfortable in the womb. You are already forming your personality of independence and self-awareness, which are traits I have prayed for in my children. These traits must be such a part of you that no crazy midwife concoction I ingest will get you to budge. I continue to pray that your father and I will be able to instill traits in you that will make you a strong man one day. Perhaps the most important traits are confidence, joy, chivalry, independence, empathy, self-control, and patience. Confidence is something that one can either have too much of, too little, or just the right amount. I pray that I challenge your confidence as much as I encourage it to get the right balance. Happiness may be important, but it comes from the world. Joy comes from Jesus and that is something I want you to learn you cannot live without. I pray that your never take for granted your faith or the freedom you have to practice that faith.

Your father is one of the only chivalrous men left on this planet. No other man has ever gone out of his way to open my car door, consistently made sure I was comfortable, or has brought me flowers just because. When your daddy wanted to propose, he asked your grandpa and grandma if he could marry their daughter. He has always made sure that I include my family in my everyday life. I pray that you are the type of gentleman for which all this is second nature, and that one day, when you find a woman you want to date, you naturally know you introduce yourself to her family and have her home early. I pray that you date to marry and you never go breaking a girl’s heart.

Independence is going to be a hard one for me as your mother. I want nothing more than a child who is confident enough in his own skin to not need me, but I want you to know I will always be there for you. You may be able to drive yourself to your football games, but I will always cheer you on. You may end up running into preschool shouting “Bye, Momma” over your shoulder, but I will peek in through the windows to watch you grow. Do not take this as mistrust, rather my fulfillment of joy as a parent at the person I get to watch you become.

Empathy, my dear, is something I will be teaching from day one. I apologize half-heartedly in advance for the constant prodding you will hear in your head to think before you act or speak. I truly believe empathy is the heart and soul of life. If you are able to empathize, you can understand people of the world and make some valuable connections. If you can empathize, we will always be able to communicate openly and honestly. I pray that you are a thoughtful individual who never doubts that he is able. Similar to empathy would be your ability to maintain self-control. Know yourself and what makes you tick. Know your true limits and be able to differentiate them from the limits you put on yourself and then challenge those limits. I pray that you pay attention to yourself and your needs just as much as you pay attention to those around you. Just because you are caring and empathetic doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own well-being.

Finally, my love, I pray for your patience. Your father and I are doing this parenting thing for the first time. We have plenty of experience, but I know that our experience will either make us over confident, or slap us hard in the face letting us know nothing could truly prepare us for parenthood. Your father and I may not always agree on things, and we will ask for your patience while we figure it out. Food may not always be ready when you want it, and toys may not always be available when you look for them, during which times we will ask for your patience. When you do something for the first time, we will be too, so I pray that it is through us that you witness and learn how to be patient.

Above all, I pray for your soul; that you may know Jesus Christ and call Him friend. I pray that your father and I can guide you well enough that you are excited for church and that you make your own decision to dedicate your life to Christ through baptism when you are old enough to comprehend what that means and the weight of this decision in today’s world. I pray that you are not swayed or tempted by the world we live in and that you live to one day live in God’s kingdom. You are our biggest blessing and our most exciting adventure. We absolutely cannot wait to hold you in our arms and tell you everyday how much we love you.

Always,

Your loving mother

On Anxiety and Emotional Maturity

ANXIETY DOES NOT LIKE TO BE WRITTEN DOWN!

A celebratory post because I have officially been clinically diagnosed with anxiety (GAD). This is a big deal because I had been self-diagnosed until this point and it was important to me to justify my worries with a doctor's word. Even though I'm pregnant, that anxiety is different than the hormonal bouts of emotions I experience, and I am AWARE of the difference.

My therapist commends me for my emotional maturity and awareness. She often tells me what would normally be a revelation, and then finishes her thought with "...but I'm sure you figured that out already." What that means is that I know what causes my anxiety attacks and how to take preventative measures to ensure that I have less worries and more joy, but I still can't stop the emotional overload I face daily. If you've ever experienced an earthquake, you know what this feels like; knowing what is going on, but being completely powerless to stop it. Some "earthquakes" are stronger than others and no matter how hard you will it to be over, it isn't up to you. Maybe that sounds really scary, like for some dads in the birthing room knowing your wife is in immense pain and there is nothing you can do. Or perhaps you find the knowledge that there is nothing you can do to change the circumstances is calming and you just have to wait it out. In my personal experience, it's both calming and frustrating.

There was an instance a few weeks ago when my poor husband and I laid in bed in the morning while I had a minor panic attack. We were supposed to go to an 8 hour birthing class with 16 other couples thirty minutes away for $60, but I truly didn't see how I would actually be able to go. I am AWARE that I had not been getting much sleep in the days leading up this class, which leads me to have higher emotional and anxiety levels. I also was AWARE that being pregnant causes higher hormone levels--aka more worries and stresses aka higher anxiety. I was AWARE that my social anxiety would be WAY turned up due to the 16 other chipper pregnant women wanting to discuss cloth diapers vs disposable and what our son's name is and what type of crib we had decided on (which at that point wasn't even assembled). On top of these three emotional enhancements, my MIL was visiting, I didn't know when we would be eating that day, and it was my day off, which I truly cherish! The last point to make me not want to go was that in today's technologically advanced world, I could easily look up whatever information I need online; I was AWARE that taking a class could lead me to be more anxious when I was actually delivering, trying to remember the specific breathing exercise I learned and how to feel when to push and feeling overwhelmed trying to remember everything I learned.* I knew I didn't need it, but I still felt that since we had made the commitment, we needed to follow through. I also felt that maybe I was setting myself up to be the flaky mom who didn't care enough about her child's well being. I laid in bed crying because I knew I shouldn't go, but I also knew I would be judged if I didn't, by society and by myself. With the hubs gone every weekend, we wouldn't have another chance to take this class; it was now or never. Hubs was very understanding and after listening to all my reasons for going or not going and reading the class description, he said, "I think what is best for us right now is that we don't go." At that point, I realized I had been completely incapable of making the decision myself and I would have had a full out panic attack just contemplating whether I should go or not. What a freaking nightmare!

I was fully aware that I was having a minor attack while it was happening, but I couldn't talk myself out of it. I felt my mind racing with my thoughts and emotions. I told myself that I was being irrational and overreacting, but I couldn't stop it. I felt the storm inside of me, but it was completely beyond my control. The worst part about being emotionally aware and having anxiety is the guilt that comes after an irrational reaction or an attack. I felt terrible for dragging my husband through my emotional mud puddle. I felt so guilty for not being able to control myself and almost submitting myself to an anxiety attack that definitely would have not been good for my growing baby. I felt guilty explaining our choice to our friends and fmamily, though I know I shouldn't. Amidst feeling all this guilt, it was further felt by simply knowing I shouldn't be feeling that way.

(continued 2 weeks later because I'm too busy for my own good)
Decision making is rough y'all! After speaking to my therapist, I realized that my anxiety doesn't allow me to find a middle ground. Though I see it and encourage it in the lives of others, adopting and implementing it into my own doesn't work out. When I was young, I heavily weighed every decision I made, whether the decision merited such contemplation or not. I now find myself doing this in deciphering which career path would make me the happiest. It is for this reason I was incapable of making a decision in the aforementioned scenario.

So I guess my purpose, other than venting, for writing this post is that I think it is so important for the who have anxiety to acknowledge that they sometimes are incapable of making a decision so that they can find someone to help them when they need it. For me, my husband and my mother are typically the people I call upon when I need help making a decision. They will either tell me I am overthink a situation or give me advice that may help guide me to a final answer. Also, those of you who have a person in your life who has anxiety, know that they don't TRY to make life more difficult when they can't make a decision. Every decision they make takes so much energy, time, and effort, that at a certain point, it is someone else's turn to stand up and take the reins. Good luck to all you decision makers!

-T

On Winning An Argument

I wrote this guide after hearing an argument not go very well once. I was inspired to help, and I hope this is good for some of you. I know a lot of people who could benefit from a new take on arguing. 

Guide to Arguing Efficiently & Effectively

1.     Don’t Raise Your Voice

a.     Even if your counterpart raises their voice or somehow provokes you to do so, your calm demeanor will set the tone for the entire argument

b.     TONE IS EVERYTHING!

2.     Ask How the Other Person Would Solve the Problem

a.     Many times, this is a great way to bring an irrational person back to sanity

b.     If your counterpart says they would handle the situation in a way you know they wouldn’t, don’t accuse them of lying or tell them “No you wouldn’t!” Instead, ask them more questions. This is how you get a person who cannot easily empathize to do so.

3.     It’s Not What You Say, But How You Say It

a.     I said it once, I’ll say it again, TONE IS EVERYTHING! My parents always told me, “It’s not what you said, but how you said it.”

b.     Check your tone before starting. Know how the conversation could progress and warn yourself somehow to watch it throughout.

4.     Try Being Empathetic

a.     It isn’t easy. I know. There is NO WAY any one person can 100% relate to another. Everyone is different so everyone handles their situation differently. But still try. Take into account everything you know about the person and let that be the factor into the advice or reaction you give.

b.     Don’t tell someone, “Well when I went through this…” and expect them to be grateful or receptive. When someone says that to me, my thought is “Great, well when you dealt with this, your circumstances were different.” Instead, try “Well I don’t know if this will help you but maybe you could do this…” I promise you will get a much better reaction.

5.     Don’t Point Out the Other Person’s Flaws to Justify Your Own

a.     The number one thing that I cannot stand is when one person states a point that may be/seem like a flaw in a person, and is a valid point in their argument, and the other person returns with an attack of character. It does not help the argument and sets everything back. There is no productivity in defensively pointing out someone’s flaws so don’t do it.

b.     When it is necessary to point out someone’s flaws (and it is), do it in a way that shows you understand the reasoning behind it. Say a person seems invasive in your life, understand that they may be that way to try and stay relevant. Let this person know that you understand their concerns for feeling left out, but maybe stepping back would do more good and allow you room to reach out yourself. In no way did you tell a person anything to tear down their character, but rather you attempted to improve it.

6.     Being Defensive Makes You Sound Guilty

a.     Think about it; someone who is guilty automatically feels a need to say “No! I didn’t do anything wrong!” But in doing so, it seems as if you might have. If someone does attack your character, return it with an “I’m sorry you feel that way.” It may seem arrogant, but you are remaining confident in yourself and your argument.

b.     My poor husband is such a great guy. He is almost incapable of doing any wrong. But when someone accuses him, you’d better watch out! He will defend his character like his life depends on it. Automatically, it adds fuel to the fire and a person will wonder what made him get so hyped to cover it up. No Bueno.

7.     Feelings Cannot Be Wrong

a.     You all know by now that I am very emotional and I have anxiety. I cannot express how upset I get when someone says that I am wrong for feeling a certain way. Did you know that you actually can’t NOT feel, Elsa! Don’t feel guilty for your feelings. It’s okay that you feel a certain way, just figure out why and what you can do about it!

b.     SHARE YOUR FEELINGS! Don’t hide your feelings under accusations and verbal jibes. It only agitates your counterpart and propels the argument or conversation backward. While it may SEEM weak, it is really the opposite.

8.     Facts Help an Argument

a.     I cannot begin to tell you how powerful it is to add facts to an argument. Let’s face it, arguments are usually purely based on feelings (unless you’re arguing about a fact that you can’t remember right, just look it up and close the argument). One person feels that they don’t get enough attention, and the other feels they give plenty of attention. State the facts.

b.     I said help, I didn’t say win. Don’t to a whole list of facts, drop the mic, and walk off. Like I said, an argument is based on facts. Give your counterpart a chance to argue their case of facts and feelings. If you quickly try to prove the other person wrong with facts and then close it, you will seem insecure and nervous about losing.

9.     Be Prepared to Protect Your POV

a.     If you know a big storm is coming, protect yourself. You know that if your husband has asked you to do something, and you didn’t get it done, there is the potential of an argument. Start thinking about what you're going to say.

b.     Be prepared to be wrong! If my husband asked me to do something and I didn’t get it done, I would own up to it. If I didn’t have a good reason, I would apologize and ask if he would still let me help him. I am always prepared to accept that I can be wrong. I'm not perfect and that’s okay.

10.  “Again” is a Terrible Word Choice

a.     If you have to repeat yourself, don’t make it obvious! That’s rude and uncalled for. Just do it! Your counterpart either didn’t hear you the first time and will now react, or will know you are repeating yourself for the sake of the argument and note it.

b.     If someone calls you out for repeating something, let them know you know but you weren’t sure they did. A little sassy, sure; they didn’t need to call you out.

11.   Check Yourselves Before You Wreck Yourselves

a.     If things start to get a little heated, take a break.

b.     Rationalize with yourself and think if you are truly helping yourself, or if maybe you need to regroup and reorganize your information. Coming back from a break means both parties come back with a clear head and a fresh start.

12.  Be Firm & Flexible

a.     Similar to protect your POV, if you are sure on your standpoint, be firm and hold to it. Don’t give in for the sake of ending the argument or maintaining a relationship. Know what you want and get it.

b.     But don’t let your pride get in the way. Pride is fuel for the argument. Pride will drive you to maintain your position, when you know you are wrong. Be flexible in that you are able to concede when it is time to do so. Know when you’ve been proven wrong and acknowledge it.

13.  Don’t Accuse or Point Fingers

a.     You are in an argument because somehow you are a part of it (if you're not a part of it then see yourself out). It isn’t someone else’s fault that you are arguing or something happened. There is (usually) always a way you could have aided in the prevention of anything. If you're upset with your spouse because he forgot to pick up milk on the way home, you could have reminded him. “Well when I remind him, he always has to point out that he remembers and I don’t have to nag.” If that was really the case, he wouldn’t have said anything. When someone reminds me of something I know I forgot, I may take that position, but only because I'm too prideful to admit I truly needed that reminder. Admit your flaws and own them.

b.     It isn’t your job to admit to someone else’s flaws. You are no one to judge someone else. Everyone is aware of their flaws, but they may choose to disown them. It isn’t your job to make them bring their flaws out of hiding. If it is a flaw of theirs the argument is over, see point 5b.

14.  You Catch More Bees with Honey

a.     My mother always reminded me of this growing up and it has really shaped me into the person I am today. I find that so much more gets done when you show kindness and mercy.

b.     I understand that is very hard to maintain a level of class and kindness when a person is begging for your wrath. I am a half Mexican girl from Los Angeles. I have seen the wrath of people and I have my own, and it is not pretty, but curb it and use it when you need it.

15.  DO NOT Tell Someone They Are Irrational

a.     Oooooooeee. This is a doozy. I have been told a few times I am irrational. My palm begins to twitch and I have to remind myself that they don’t realize they basically asked to be slapped. But who do you think you are to tell me that I am overreacting? You have no idea what a person has been through to get them to the point they are at when you encounter them. Sometimes, what you think is an overreaction is actually an under reaction, or a person searching to maintain control of their feelings.

b.     Instead, note what is was you said or did that really set them off, and continue. Later when there is a good moment for it, ask why it affected them in such a way. Not only are you being understanding, but you aren’t getting in a tangent argument about your counterpart being irrational.

c.     If someone calls you irrational, think about it; maybe you are, maybe you're not. Decide if its worth it to defend yourself at that moment, save it for later, or ignore it all together.

16.  Force an Angle into a Circular Argument

a.     Didn’t you just have this conversation? Why are you having the same argument over and over? Because feelings haven’t changed, only developed deeper. Think of a new angle or a way to gain perspective on either side that would knock you out of that circle.

b.     If you feel that you are traveling that straight path and your counterpart is the one going in a circle, think about what you can do to bring them up to speed with you. They must keep missing your exit. Stay patient and help them to see your POV from different angles!

17.  Call It Quits While You’re Ahead

a.     If you feel like you just argued your brains out and you are your counterpart are in a good place, leave it! Note you're worn out and you would like to end the conversation. Schedule a time to talk again, and leave.

b.     If there has been no resolution to an argument and you don’t see one coming for a while, but you and your counterpart are both in a positive mood, leave. Don’t beat a dead horse.

18.  Ask Nicely

a.     I shouldn’t have to explain this. If you are considering sarcasm when asking something, probably not a good idea. I am the queen of sass and sarcasm in my circle of friends and acquaintances, but it isn’t helpful in an argument. Neither is jealousy, anger, spite, or plain negativity.

b.     See point 14

19.  You Are Not the Center of the Argument

a.     Remember, there is always two sides. Even if someone is calling you out for something you did, they are also thinking of the way it affected them.

b.     If your counterpart is not letting you get a word in edgewise, let them know when they are done you have something to say. After, you may receive a snarky remark or an eye roll—their pride is saying they know they're being long winded and they are mad they got called out.

20.  State Clear Expectations

a.     This is pretty important. If you don’t know what you want out of an argument, there is no point in having it. With expectations, you are able to move forward with a clear mind and a strong sense of direction.

b.     Expectations show your counterpart that you are prepared and confident.

21.  Don’t Make Promises

a.     Promises made in the context of an argument may seem forced or fradulent.

b.     You may actually not mean to even make a promise, but you feel it would pacify your counterpart. Just don’t do it.

22.  Be Careful Giving Out Apologies

a.     Don’t apologize for the sake of apologizing or because you feel that is what you are supposed to do. Apologize if you mean it.

b.     However, you can mean an apology even if you’ve done nothing wrong. “Apologizing doesn’t always mean that you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”-Unknown

23.  Watch Your Body Language

a.     Body language sometimes speaks louder than words. If someone calls you out on your body language, dissect it and figure out if you meant it or not. Don’t get mad at someone for calling you out on something you did.

b.     Even if you're having a phone conversation, a person may still be able to pick up on your body language because it could seep into your tone.

24.  Passive Aggressive Leads to Nothing Productive

a.     Being passive aggressive may lead you into that circle I mentioned earlier.

b.     You may not even realize you're doing it to yourself. Just be direct, firm, honest, and kind, and you will be okay.

25.  Talk Less, Smile More

a.     Shameless Hamilton reference. But Aaron Burr has a point. Sometimes it is better to limit your tongue and show off those pearly whites. Just because you have something to say doesn’t mean you HAVE to say it. If you are leading a war and building a country, maybe you don’t want to hold back, great! But maybe in a small argument, you can exert some self control.

b.     But really, control yourself. The more you talk, the more damage you can do. Think about what you're going to say before you say it, and think about the most effective, shortest way you can say it. Just because you're talking more, doesn’t mean you're saying more.

26.  Say What You Mean, Mean What You Say

a.     This is a rule I truly live by. I absolutely hate when I see wives manipulate their spouses by saying something and meaning something else. What is the purpose? Seriously ladies (it tends to be ladies who do this more than men), just be real.

b.     Be intentional. I’ve been in the situation before when I've argued with someone who I saw as much wiser and confident than I; I was constantly feeling that I was inferior and I needed to really be sure of any stance I took before starting an argument or he would start to call me out and I wouldn’t be able to protect my POV. But it made me intentional with every word I said. I always say what I mean and mean what I say.

27.  Second-Guess Yourself

a.     Sometimes, you're wrong. Own it, be a good loser. Set a standard fro your spouse, children, friends, family, social media followers, or your general entourage to follow. Make yourself someone who is a pleasant person to argue with.

b.     Recognize that you aren’t all-knowing. Listen with an open mind and accept the points someone else presents.

28.  Set Boundaries

a.     My therapist has told me that in phone conversations, the best way to set boundaries is to hang up when you feel your counterpart is overstepping a boundary you want to set. If you feel someone says or does something out of place, or if you sense that they aren’t in a frame of mind for a conversation conducive of a positive reaction, end the conversation if you can’t call them out effectively and positively.

b.     This is your way of protecting yourself. You don’t deserve ridicule, snarky remarks, condescending tones, or pure angst from anyone. Protect your mental and emotional health and draw boundaries.