On "A Letter To My Wife"

Dear Wife, 

            For the past few weeks I have been asking myself what to get you for our anniversary. Now I always have a list of things you would like and I am typically very good about getting gifts either from that list or in my mind. Every time I thought about a gift I thought would suffice, I kept thinking, "No, my wife is always so creative and thoughtful with gifts that I don't want to just buy another gift." I want to give a true gift to my wife, one that I pour my heart into, one that really focuses on who you are and your love languages. So here it is, a letter to you. Not just a letter, but a letter in which I finally spell out all the situations I always said I did not have words for. I wanted to handwrite this, but I also really wanted you to be able to read this, so I opted to type. I do hope you enjoy this.

            My wife, my sweet wife, just look at how far we have come together as one team. Can you believe today we have been married three years. We have been in North Carolina for two years and three hundred and sixty days. We got here with nothing but a part time job, a one bedroom apartment, and love. Nothing about it was easy but we made every moment together as one from the moment we got here. To watch how much you have grown is this time has truly been a blessing. You connected with a family of people we have never met and you placed them in your heart. You opened up to them and connected in your own way with each and every kid. You met a friend who is almost like a sister and a couple that took us in as their family. When I look back it makes me tear up to see how God used you. You jumped into something new, randomly meeting people and were rewarded so greatly. I’ve seen you take a real job in teaching only to discover that wasn't for you, and that leads me here.

            Tabitha when I look at you back on the past seven months, I am so proud of you. The growth I have witnessed in you puts a smile on my face. From the moment Daxton, was born you had found a calling, a calling to push yourself to be the best you can be. I watched you dig deeper then you ever have and worker harder then I could ever imagine. When I see how hard you work for not just our son but our family, I get choked up. No matter how tired, sick, or exhausted you might be, you do whatever you have to for our family, most of the time with a smile on your face. Your strength compares to none, yet you knew God called you to grow stronger. You took on serving at church; not just serving, but placing yourself in a position that meant you had to be an extrovert and greet total strangers. You have poured yourself into it and have made an example for others. As I am typing this right now, I am fighting back tears of joy thinking about the night that we were at church and you looked and me and said “I’m going to work my window”. You walked straight up to the photo coordinator, you told her who you were and what you wanted. I was in awe. You saw what you wanted and took control of the moment God gave you. Ever since that moment you have been on a mission to be you. And you, Tabitha, are amazing, creative, dedicated, and disciplined. You have a true gift. You capture the very moment God works or Daxton learns something new. You capture thought and emotion. I am running out of ways to describe this incredible talent you have. You are the inspiration for our family. You are my inspiration, my push, and my drive, but most importantly, you are my wife.

            My wife who unscrambles my thoughts when others would get annoyed. My wife who has learned to tell I am crazy or wrong in the sweetest most perfect way. My wife who encouraged me through the toughest times I have ever faced. My wife who made me into the confident father I am. My wife who led me to Christ, led me to my Joy, listens to all my goals and pushes me to achieve. You are my wife who loves me every day, and for that Tabitha, I thank you.

Love, Your Husband

On Taking a Break

I've been so busy lately, always coming or going, always driving. Daxton has been super fussy in his car seat and I'm wondering if he is thinking the same thing I am...let's take a break! *cue Hamilton soundtrack* I don't know why I've been so busy and I don't know why I don't just chill. I need to retreat. I need to cancel plans, not make any new ones, forget about errands, and just stay home for a day with my baby, cuddling and watching Gilmore Girls. I find myself rushing things so we could move on or putting D down so I can clean and get stuff done. I am officially on a home vacation. I'm not leaving unless I feel led and it will be leisurely and spontaneous and fun. I'm talking no errands, no chores, no worries. So much to the point that I'll get drive thru junk food for dinner so I can spend more time with my baby. He's almost 5 months. I won't be able to call him a baby much longer. He will be a toddler and saying, "No, I don't want to," before I know it. So while Dad is away until tomorrow night, Daxton and I are gonna chill. Sorry Stephen, but the place will probably be a mess when you get home. The dishes are clean in the dishwasher, half a load of laundry is still in the dryer, the dining room table has become a depository for mail, books, toys, and Easter candy, pillows are strewn lazily on the couch, oh look, more laundry on the couch! The PlayStation is hanging on a chair in the middle of the living room and there are quite a few seltzer cans clandestinely placed around the house. I have a project half finished on the mantle and the other half on the chest in the living room. So now that I've listed all that I would have to do, I don't feel so bad about not doing it! All for this moment...

On Expectations, Priorities, and Failure

For many people, before having a baby, they just think how much they want a baby. When they get pregnant, it seems much more real and tangible, but you still have no idea what to expect, and how could you. Once that babe is born, everything changes. Priorities get rearranged, house roles are shifted, expectations are revisited. All that once was may no longer be. For some things, that's good and normal, healthy even. For others, not so much. 

Jobs

Both my husband and I went through a job change. I left my job. I took a permanent maternity leave. My husband lost his job, had two months of no work, and got a new job an hour away. He's is gone one less day a week (3 instead of 4), but he's still gone 11+ hours 3 of the 4 days he is home. Now, we have to figure out how to maintain a healthy family dynamic while seeing him 1 day a week. 

House Roles

This past December, Stephen and I attended a marriage conference. One of the topics was “Relationship Roles”; how you divide the things you do between the two people in the relationship, or in a family. Before baby, Stephen handled all the bills, I did most of the laundry, and we both split chores, took out the trash, and picked up the mail. Now, I have more free time to pay some bills, I have to do most of the chores, and I pick up the mail. Stephen does most of the laundry, takes out the trash on his way to work, and still handles making sure the big bills are paid.  On top of our already established roles, there are now new roles with a baby: diaper changes, baths, making sure everything is stocked (diaper bag, changing basket in our room, diaper drawer in nursery, etc.). We’ve managed to find a natural flow that works when Stephen is home and when he is not, which is an added struggle when trying to figure out roles.

Bills

There were no shortage of people to remind Stephen and I how expensive it would be to have a baby. What these people didn’t account for was the immense support we would receive from friends and family. Though we’ve barely had to pay a penny thus far for our wee one, we still had our normal bills to pay and no income in our household to do so. We combed through our finances and found things to cut and trim. I am so grateful for that period of our lives because we got rid of so many unnecessary things which allowed us to be more present in each other’s lives. We now have hospital bills added into our budget, and we’ve just now had to buy our first pack of diapers, three months in. I am so glad we were forced to reprioritize our bills so we could live a more intentional life. 

Chores

Now that I'm not working, I've taken on all the house chores, save taking out the trash and laundry. I somehow have to manage sweeping, vacuuming, organizing, cooking, dusting, filing, and general picking up while entertaining a three month old. It isn’t easy and I find myself so overwhelmed trying to manage it all, but like everyone posts on Instagram or FaceBook, the dishes can wait in the sink a little bit longer. However, with my anxiety, I need to get things done so that I can relax, unwind, and breathe. So I’m learning balance and mega-multitasking.

Meals

Oh, Lord! Please shed light on how this can be easier! Hubby and I used to love cooking in the kitchen together! We love experimenting with food and eating well, but it is so difficult to enjoy time together in when your baby is so demanding! It also doesn’t help that most nights, Stephen isn’t getting home until between 7 and 9. We resort to rice, potatoes, and pasta so much because they are quick, easy, and bear a lot of leftovers. I’m still figuring out how to have fun in the kitchen with my babe and my little babe. Really, any advice would be nice!

Personal Time

Personal time should be a number one priority. If either momma or daddy is broken, then baby won’t be looked after the way he should. Today, hubby had off from work, so he sent me to get a pedicure while he ran errands that I had on my list. Then, he manned nap time while I purged our house for Spring cleaning. I reorganized our storage closet and I feel so much better after having a day during which I had options. Stephen travels every weekend, and while that may be really rough on our family dynamic, he is able to have time to regroup and come home ready to take on whatever challenges we present him with. We make sure to prioritize our own self-care regimens so that we can best provide for our precious baby.

Sleep

The most repetitive piece of advice I got/get is to sleep when baby sleeps. But my baby doesn’t sleep during the day. So at night, I have to choose to forego the bit of stuff I could get done or sleep. Obviously, I choose to get a bit of stuff done, so I force sleep every morning. I take Daxton out of the cradle, put the Dock-a-Tot on the bed with me, give him his paci, and we go back to sleep. I do whatever i can to make our mornings as lazy as possible, so we can enjoy each other’s company and share smiles and cuddles. 

Relationship

When you have a baby, often times your relationship with your partner goes by the wayside. Life gets hard, a lot of things change, feelings become so overwhelming, anxiety grows, pressures mount, and expectations aren’t met. An incredible amount of couples end up separating after having a baby (a statistic I’m not going to look up) because they aren’t putting in the time they need to into that relationship anymore. Between work, caring for a baby, and life in general, the relationship with your partner gets put in the backseat and that makes each person feel uncared for and unappreciated. It is so important to not let your life be overcome by your baby. Your life isn’t just baby! I am a mom, but I am also a wife, daughter, sister, and friend. I love my baby, but I refuse to let motherhood define my life. My husband is important, my mother and father and sister are important, and it is important to learn to balance all these relationships rather than disregard them. 

Becoming a mom is definitely one of the hardest, scariest, most exciting things I’ve ever done, along with getting married and moving my life across the country. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but it took a while for me to be able to appreciate what I have and to figure out what works for our family. It;s okay that it took a while, because we got to figure it out as a family.

-T

On the Anxieties of Motherhood

I have come to the realization that motherhood is nothing but a series of small-large panic attacks in between periods of wondering when the next panic attack is going to hit. For someone with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, this is my constant battle. I know my triggers and I know how I should react, but my focus is so easily moved from my own mental health so that I can prioritize the needs of my baby. I forget that my babies number one need is a healthy momma, physically, mentally, and emotionally. There are so many things that a new mom experiences that will set off an anxiety attack.

Uncontrollable Crying
It happens to every baby and new parent. Every new parent has to learn their child's unique needs and how baby shows his needs are not being fulfilled. But what about when you run through "the list" and still have a fussing kid. "The list" is as follows: is baby hungry, dirty, too warm or too cold, gassy, or tired? If you've answered no to all these and your baby is still a wreck, it's pretty easy to become a wreck yourself. Thoughts like, "I don't know what my child needs. I must be a terrible mother," or "Why can I not understand my own child" will cross your mind. You begin to panic because you realize you must have missed a cue and you don't know what to do, but you know you have to do something. So you cry, or yell, or stomp about. Instead, run through "the list" again because you probably forgot something. If that doesn't work, give your partner or a family member a turn trying to figure out what's wrong and walk into another room. I always think of something when I take a step back.

Judgement
This is SUCH a hard one for me. I struggle with allowing myself to feel judged and not caring what anyone thinks. Almost everyone has an opinion about babies. There is something people want to tell you about breastfeeding, or sleep, or diapering, or development, or parenting styles. Either you're holding your baby too much or not enough, or you're feeding him too much or not enough, or you take him out too much or not enough. If I have my baby out in public and he starts crying, I automatically look at how people react, how they judge me. It's torture for myself and completely unnecessary, yet somehow I can't help it. I always said I don't want to be the parent with the loud, annoying, disturbing baby. And tbh, his cry isn't that loud or annoying...it's actually really cute, but I don't really think the person behind me in line at Target or sitting on the bench in the shopping plaza agree. Instead of worrying so much about what others think, I know I should be focused on how I get to make my own parenting choices now and take pride in that. Obviously that's easier said than done.

Breastfeeding
I just wrote a whole post about this one(http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2017/01/on-what-no-one-tells-you-about.html). Case in point; breastfeeding is the toughest part of being a new mom and will naturally cause a ton of anxiety. I have to say at least half of my meltdowns have been somehow related to breastfeeding. It may not be fun, but it is worth it. When breastfeeding feels like too much, I remind myself that God gave me this ability to provide for my son like no one else can and to not take advantage of it. I don't want to do anything but cherish this time where he needs and wants what only I can give him. Breastfeeding my baby is such an important and special thing that it is important to look at it in a positive light no matter what. I am open and honest with my husband about all my feelings so that he can help me the best he can.

Big Mistakes
I don't want to write about this, mostly due to the "Judgement" section above, but I've made some pretty bad mistakes. I have dropped my phone on his head while he's nursing, almost dropped him while switching sides, and poured too water on his head in the bath that it got all over his face. In those moments, I feel like the absolute worst person on the planet. I feel incapable of raising a child. In those moments, I just hold him and cry and apologize over and over and over. Not that there is anything wrong with apologizing and loving on my babe, I need to also realize that I'm not perfect, and if I truly wasn't capable, God wouldn't have blessed me with a perfect, beautiful, healthy baby boy he deemed me worthy of caring for. If God thinks I am capable, then so should I.

Lists
It's unavoidable. As I sit still nursing, unable to get anything done, I look around the room and come up with lists of things that have to get done. The more I come up with, the more anxious I feel. I never know when I'll get enough free time to actually get anything done. But 100%, I need to focus on my new baby rather than the things that aren't getting done. If the house isn't swept or laundry isn't done, then we will breathe in a little dust and sit around the house without clean clothes for a day. I know that time with an infant is fleeting. Already my LO is almost 8 weeks old, and I cannot believe how quickly time has progressed. I will never be able to get these days back, so I need to be thankful that sweeping isn't so dire that we will all die if it doesn't get done.

Doubt
Self-doubt has been my biggest enemy. Bits of self-doubt have seeped into every aspect of my role as a new mother, and sought to steal my joy in this wonderful time. Anytime I falter, a voice deep in my head tells me I'm doing something wrong or that I don't know what I'm doing. Those moments cause temporary insanity while I try and mentally fight this voice and maintain the exterior of a positive, healthy momma. The best way to combat this is to surround yourself with people you can trust and confide in and to be honest with them. I have some great friends who reassure me I'm doing a great job and that I am capable.

Fear
There are so many things to be afraid of. From SIDS to cancer, to a car stopping too quick just in front of you when your LO is in the back, anything can get you or your child and you have absolutely zero control over that. There are precautions to take, like ensuring your child isn't surrounded with bumpers, blankets, and pillows at night, or living organic to avoid carcinogens and toxins (http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2016/03/on-living-organic.html), and making sure you have the highest rated and safest car seat possible. Ultimately, God is in control. He will decide when we all live and die and all I can do is try to live my life to fulfill His purpose for me. Proverbs 19:21 reads "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand"(ESV). As long as I remember to focus on that verse, I can work my way out of any panic attack.

Anxiety
Anxiety causes anxiety. Just yesterday, my little nest was driving home, and Daxton was crying uncontrollably. My husband pulled over into a fire station so I could try to calm the baby. We happened to be out of diapers, he was too dirty to be hungry or sleep, and we were still 10 minutes from home. I literally could do nothing to console my baby and I felt such anxiety that I couldn't move past it and instead, became upset and took it out on my husband. When I got home, I cried over Daxton and apologized that I couldn't help him, then I apologized to my ever-loving husband for having such a bad reaction. Sometimes, when you know you're acting a wreck, you get crazier. Instead, own up to your bad attitude and throw a wrench in the cycle. I promise wonderful results.

-T

On Anxiety and Emotional Maturity

ANXIETY DOES NOT LIKE TO BE WRITTEN DOWN!

A celebratory post because I have officially been clinically diagnosed with anxiety (GAD). This is a big deal because I had been self-diagnosed until this point and it was important to me to justify my worries with a doctor's word. Even though I'm pregnant, that anxiety is different than the hormonal bouts of emotions I experience, and I am AWARE of the difference.

My therapist commends me for my emotional maturity and awareness. She often tells me what would normally be a revelation, and then finishes her thought with "...but I'm sure you figured that out already." What that means is that I know what causes my anxiety attacks and how to take preventative measures to ensure that I have less worries and more joy, but I still can't stop the emotional overload I face daily. If you've ever experienced an earthquake, you know what this feels like; knowing what is going on, but being completely powerless to stop it. Some "earthquakes" are stronger than others and no matter how hard you will it to be over, it isn't up to you. Maybe that sounds really scary, like for some dads in the birthing room knowing your wife is in immense pain and there is nothing you can do. Or perhaps you find the knowledge that there is nothing you can do to change the circumstances is calming and you just have to wait it out. In my personal experience, it's both calming and frustrating.

There was an instance a few weeks ago when my poor husband and I laid in bed in the morning while I had a minor panic attack. We were supposed to go to an 8 hour birthing class with 16 other couples thirty minutes away for $60, but I truly didn't see how I would actually be able to go. I am AWARE that I had not been getting much sleep in the days leading up this class, which leads me to have higher emotional and anxiety levels. I also was AWARE that being pregnant causes higher hormone levels--aka more worries and stresses aka higher anxiety. I was AWARE that my social anxiety would be WAY turned up due to the 16 other chipper pregnant women wanting to discuss cloth diapers vs disposable and what our son's name is and what type of crib we had decided on (which at that point wasn't even assembled). On top of these three emotional enhancements, my MIL was visiting, I didn't know when we would be eating that day, and it was my day off, which I truly cherish! The last point to make me not want to go was that in today's technologically advanced world, I could easily look up whatever information I need online; I was AWARE that taking a class could lead me to be more anxious when I was actually delivering, trying to remember the specific breathing exercise I learned and how to feel when to push and feeling overwhelmed trying to remember everything I learned.* I knew I didn't need it, but I still felt that since we had made the commitment, we needed to follow through. I also felt that maybe I was setting myself up to be the flaky mom who didn't care enough about her child's well being. I laid in bed crying because I knew I shouldn't go, but I also knew I would be judged if I didn't, by society and by myself. With the hubs gone every weekend, we wouldn't have another chance to take this class; it was now or never. Hubs was very understanding and after listening to all my reasons for going or not going and reading the class description, he said, "I think what is best for us right now is that we don't go." At that point, I realized I had been completely incapable of making the decision myself and I would have had a full out panic attack just contemplating whether I should go or not. What a freaking nightmare!

I was fully aware that I was having a minor attack while it was happening, but I couldn't talk myself out of it. I felt my mind racing with my thoughts and emotions. I told myself that I was being irrational and overreacting, but I couldn't stop it. I felt the storm inside of me, but it was completely beyond my control. The worst part about being emotionally aware and having anxiety is the guilt that comes after an irrational reaction or an attack. I felt terrible for dragging my husband through my emotional mud puddle. I felt so guilty for not being able to control myself and almost submitting myself to an anxiety attack that definitely would have not been good for my growing baby. I felt guilty explaining our choice to our friends and fmamily, though I know I shouldn't. Amidst feeling all this guilt, it was further felt by simply knowing I shouldn't be feeling that way.

(continued 2 weeks later because I'm too busy for my own good)
Decision making is rough y'all! After speaking to my therapist, I realized that my anxiety doesn't allow me to find a middle ground. Though I see it and encourage it in the lives of others, adopting and implementing it into my own doesn't work out. When I was young, I heavily weighed every decision I made, whether the decision merited such contemplation or not. I now find myself doing this in deciphering which career path would make me the happiest. It is for this reason I was incapable of making a decision in the aforementioned scenario.

So I guess my purpose, other than venting, for writing this post is that I think it is so important for the who have anxiety to acknowledge that they sometimes are incapable of making a decision so that they can find someone to help them when they need it. For me, my husband and my mother are typically the people I call upon when I need help making a decision. They will either tell me I am overthink a situation or give me advice that may help guide me to a final answer. Also, those of you who have a person in your life who has anxiety, know that they don't TRY to make life more difficult when they can't make a decision. Every decision they make takes so much energy, time, and effort, that at a certain point, it is someone else's turn to stand up and take the reins. Good luck to all you decision makers!

-T

On Channeling Your Senses

Recently, my therapist asked me to try a new method of dealing with my anxiety by focusing on my senses and identifying what makes me smile by way of my senses. For three weeks, I focused on my senses throughout the day and anytime I caught myself smiling, I made a note. I had never realized how much I smile, or how many things make me feel happy. I had a lot of options, but i narrowed them down to 10 things in each category. I would like to share those things I have heard, felt, smelled, seen, or tasted that have made me smile and I would like to challenge you, reader to do the same. Whether you adopt this method as a way of meditation, or dealing with emotions or just because, you will truly be able to appreciate the little things that often go unnoticed.

This list is 50 items long, so I apologize, but hopefully my commentary makes it worth the read:

Sight

1. Flowers-any flowers, I just love flowers

2. Pop-pop’s house-Long Island, New York

3. Our love box-where my husband and I keep almost six years of mementos

4. Anthropologie/Free People-the aesthetic 

5. Fitness Instagram Profiles-if they can do it, I can too!

6. My artwork-look how far I've come

7. The babies play-their personalities are amazing 

8. Bookstores-am I right?

9. Babies in the backseat-they make the funniest faces

10. My house-my design is on point

Sound

1. The babies talk-they try so hard
2. Elevation Worship-you can just feel the Lord!

3. Words of Affirmation-my love language

4. Pop-pop’s voice-I can still hear him telling me to do what makes me happy

5. “Then” Brad Paisley-Wedding song

6. “Firecracker” Josh Turner-wedding song

7. “The Stand In” Leighton Meester & Check In the Dark-first dance song

8. Talking to Stephen via Facetime-*tries to insert emoji with heart eyes*

9. Positive conversations with my mom-we are so similar its a little scary

10. My dad calling me “Bebe”-it's adorable

Touch

1. Warm clothes from the dryer-I can't be the only one who takes out the laundry and lies on top of the pile for a HOT SECOND (see what I did there)

2. Hot shower-again...am I right?

3. Bubble bath-with a lavender bath bomb

4. New book-the feeling of the crisp pages...

5. Cuddling with Stephen-all I want when I come home

6. Pedicure-I mean, duh!

7. Snuggling babies-when they let me

8. Running my fingers through Stephen’s hair-relaxes me too

9. Brushing the girls’ hair-so sweet

10. Warm sand-mmm I miss the beach

Taste
1. Nita’s Corn Casserole-Delicious 

2. Nana’s meatloaf-Delicious

3. Tea with milk-Pop-pop taught me how to drink my tea

4. Milkshakes-the best cure for anything

5. Clean Juice-how good does it feel to know exactly what you're eating/drinking

6. Mom's Sweet Potato Casserole-with a side of love and tradition

7. BBQ chicken-stephen makes a killer chef, and pretty easy on the eyes *tries to insert winking emoji*

8. Kale-because I'm recharged after a super kale salad

9. Pomegranate seeds-so refreshing!

10. Apple Pie cookies-my own creation

Smell
1. Lavender-calming

2. Peonies-beautiful

3. Hydrangeas-mmm

4. Apples and cinnamon-mmmm

5. Beach-mmmmm

6. Haven’s hair-mmmmmm

7. Stephen’s body wash-mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm *tries to insert kissy face emoji*

8. Woods/forest-now I want to go on a hike

9. New book pages/bookstores-to a bookstore

10. Woodshop/Pop-pop’s basement-on Long Island


-T