On Not Being Prepared for Parenthood

I am a new momma as of Thanksgiving 2016. During my pregnancy, I received a ridiculous amount of unsolicited advice, which I'm sure every mom can relate to. I know most people mean well, but my husband and I would laugh after every person shared their piece. "Little do they know how prepared we are," I would say. "We are the most prepared any two people could be," he would reply. While that may have been true, we were still wildly unprepared for the realities of parenthood.

A quick background; I have cared for children of all ages all my life. I was everyone's babysitter, church volunteer, and child care professional. I worked caring for infants at a small church, so I got to watch so many infants grow, I worked at a daycare and hot experience with children of all ages, and I was a nanny for four kids, one of whom was only three weeks old when I met her and is now two and a half. If there was ever anyone who could be prepared for parenthood without already being a parent, it was me. But if you are a parent, you know there are some aspects of having an infant no amount of time put in will prepare you for. If you are not a parent and you, too, think you are prepared or ready, I promise it isn't all it's chalked up to be.

Because I thought I was so prepared, my husband and I didn't take any classes or read any "parenting" books (we read one each and neither was a traditional "parenting" book). I absolutely do not regret that decision, but my ego was a bit ahead of me. My husband and I have talked for years about the type of parents we want to be and the team dynamic we want to achieve, so we thought we wouldn't encounter many of the problems we hear from parents who would say they had no experience other than their own child. We had discussed issues and problems we would face and come up with solutions as a team, and we thought we were golden. We were wrong on so many levels.

Sleep
We knew that the beginning would be rough in terms of sleep. The most common piece of advice I got as a prego was to sleep when baby sleeps. What I wasn't prepared for was what to do if my baby doesn't sleep. I was blessed with a 10 pounder. In the hospital, there was no pressure to do anything else besides feed my baby until he slept, and I had round the clock help in caring for my new babe. I had the option of sending my little guy to the nursery at night if I chose to. I did both nights I was there, very reluctantly, through tears, and at the command of my husband, doctors, and nurses. Once we got home, it was a chaotic, real-life nightmare. Eventually we got settled, and I realized having a big baby meant he would sleep through the night for the most part. It also meant he would not sleep a wink during the day. I have had to come to terms with the fact that absolutely nothing will get done in my house, which really is not easy for my "git 'er done" personality.

Exclusively Breastfeeding
This is a tough one for me. I was so unprepared for the fact that I would have any difficulties providing for my son. Obviously I get breast is best, but what if you can't BF (gee, society is rough on this one). We have been though latching problems, thrush, dehydration, and he is so big so he is always hungry! I learned that of the joys that comes with having a big baby is that he needed (still needs...who am I kidding) to eat constantly. The first night we were home, no one slept a wink and all I did was feed my baby. As morning snuck closer and closer, baby became more and more irate. Once the screaming started, hubby and I were headed to the hospital. His mouth was so dry and his lips were so cracked. On the way we called a nurse and she told us that he was simply hungry. She said it was 100% better for us to supplement with formula than to take a new infant into a hospital. My husband turned the car around and pulled into Target. I stayed in the car, still trying to nurse my hungry boy. Wouldn't you know, that right then is when my supply fully came in and I was able to support my son. We still have many difficulties with latching, but I know for a fact he is eating enough (he's gained three pounds and three inches) and he is no longer dry or chapped, so I call that a win. We still supplement because if we didn't, I wouldn't have a single moment to myself, but we cap his formula intake around 6-8 ounces a day, and the rest is up to me (I nurse about 4 hours a day).

Public Hearings
My husband and I were completely on the same page about how to handle a loud child when we are in public. We agreed it is always best to remove the child from the public eye and tend to his needs privately. While this is a great policy for an older child who has more control over his emotions, this does not work with a newborn who can only communicate by crying. For the most part, when we hear that first whimper or cry, we begin preparations to seek safety away from the general public (usually we're in Target and we start to head to checkout) and then when it becomes a full cry, I take our little one to the car while my husband checks out so we can head home ASAP. But sometimes we have things that need to get done, or we simply want to enjoy a meal out, we will bypass all our previous beliefs and discussions and give the kid a bottle and change him in the back of our car.

Coddling and Cuddling
We were in complete agreement that we did not want our child to be one of the kids who constantly needed attention or who couldn't be put down for more than a minute. We were adamant that he would not be held to the point that he became too used to it. We have had to completely scrap that. Completely; as in au revoir, sayonara, adios, no más. It was nothing we did, rather it is just his natural predisposition that he likes to cuddle and he will get upset after 20-30 minutes of independent time. My husband and I push it as much as we can, but he is still and infant and we aren't going to just leave him alone on his play mat or in his swing, crying. So we hold him. Maybe that will cause difficulties later on, but whatever. I love my son and I'm going to cuddle the heck out of him.

Schedule
I wasn't expecting for a schedule before 6 weeks, but I was shooting for 4-6. We are now at 7 weeks old and he is showing no sign of sticking to a schedule. We do have a very dependable nightly schedule, but the day is a circus, if that circus was thrown together without a schedule of events and each act tried to take the stage at the same time. I still have to feed my LO on demand, which can sometimes be once an hour! I keep telling myself that he's going through a growth spurt, but if I ever want to get back to writing or calligraphy or anything, we have to establish a schedule soon!

Free Time
Nothing gets done. I was extremely lucky that I had family staying with me in the beginning. My mom was with us for the first two whole weeks and then my mother-in-law stayed for a week. Due to the holidays, I had a lot to do in the way of wrapping and decorating and ordering cards and last minute shopping. It only got done because there was so much help readily available (see more about help below). I genuinely miss being able to do what I want whenever I wanted. I love my son, don't get me wrong, but I miss staying in bed and binging Unbreakable Kelly Schmidt all day. I miss working on a project or going on a run (I haven't been running yet PP, more so because it's too cold to take my LO). Basically, I now have a tiny dictator running my life and I am completely at his beck and call.

Help
Accept it. Don't be smug in your pride and turn down help. There is always something to be done. My husband and I are both very humble and independent and stubborn. We will not ask for help unless we are desperate because we feel that we should carry the responsibility of our child ourselves. Even if help is offered, we ask, "Are you sure?" countless times until that person seems annoyed. If my babe starts to cry and someone is holding him, I feel bad that they have to deal with my struggles while I'm getting to do anything else. When my mom was here, she knew we needed help, so she did our laundry, cleaned our kitchen, did the dishes, and other things I didn't have time for. Anytime someone is holding my LO, I now jump at the chance to throw in a load of laundry or throw some dishes in the dishwasher. I really should invest in a baby wrap...

Products
I was super picky about the products I would use for my son. I wanted only the best, as any mother would. We had loads of Honest diapers, organic washcloths, and minimal items in the way of "sleep gear". After baby was born, there was so much more to buy. We hadn't gotten a Rock 'n Play (HUGE MISTAKE), we didn't have a "cheaters swaddle" (sleep sack, miracle blanket...), and we didn't have a sound machine. We didn't have a bottle or wipe warmer (and in a North Carolina winter, everything gets super cold for night changes). Because our LO was eating so much, he was (is) peeing so much, we went through diapers at an alarming rate. When I went online to finally begin my Honest subscription, I realized I could get twice the amount of diapers for way less if I changed brands. I heard great things about up&up, and our LO doesn't care what's on his tush. I also made the change from Honest wipes (which I don't care for much from the get-go because they're pretty rough) to Huggies Natural Care. No wipe is going to be perfect, but my LO doesn't mind and I can buy a huge pack at once and not worry about it for a while. However, there are things I will not change, like our organic shampoo/wash, lotions, and formula.

Basically, you cannot be prepared for anything unless you've actually gone through it. And I'm the type to hyper prepare! Parenthood is really rough and rocky and really tests the limits of your relationship with your partner and with yourself. I have found myself thinking that it will be easier when he can sit up, or walk, or talk, or go to school, but then I realize I need to enjoy this time now because if there is anything I know for sure about parenting, it's that time is fleeting and these moments are so special. Cherish your baby at every age, every stage, every tantrum. When your child is grown, you'll miss everything they threw at you.

-T
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On Becoming a Mother

A letter I wrote to my unborn son:

November 21, 2016

Dear Daxton,

At this point, your due date has come and gone as of one hour ago. True, your due date changed a bit, but your dad and I liked the 20 best, so that’s what we stuck with. Unfortunately, you didn’t agree and you're still stuck in there, though it does seem like you want out. Your daddy and I want you out too and we are so hoping you make an appearance tomorrow. Your grandma is here, your Aunt CC (whatever you decide to call her is what we will go with) got in yesterday morning, and your grandpa is coming in Thanksgiving morning. We would love to celebrate your first Thanksgiving all together, so feel free to join us!

I am actually glad that you are still comfortable in the womb. You are already forming your personality of independence and self-awareness, which are traits I have prayed for in my children. These traits must be such a part of you that no crazy midwife concoction I ingest will get you to budge. I continue to pray that your father and I will be able to instill traits in you that will make you a strong man one day. Perhaps the most important traits are confidence, joy, chivalry, independence, empathy, self-control, and patience. Confidence is something that one can either have too much of, too little, or just the right amount. I pray that I challenge your confidence as much as I encourage it to get the right balance. Happiness may be important, but it comes from the world. Joy comes from Jesus and that is something I want you to learn you cannot live without. I pray that your never take for granted your faith or the freedom you have to practice that faith.

Your father is one of the only chivalrous men left on this planet. No other man has ever gone out of his way to open my car door, consistently made sure I was comfortable, or has brought me flowers just because. When your daddy wanted to propose, he asked your grandpa and grandma if he could marry their daughter. He has always made sure that I include my family in my everyday life. I pray that you are the type of gentleman for which all this is second nature, and that one day, when you find a woman you want to date, you naturally know you introduce yourself to her family and have her home early. I pray that you date to marry and you never go breaking a girl’s heart.

Independence is going to be a hard one for me as your mother. I want nothing more than a child who is confident enough in his own skin to not need me, but I want you to know I will always be there for you. You may be able to drive yourself to your football games, but I will always cheer you on. You may end up running into preschool shouting “Bye, Momma” over your shoulder, but I will peek in through the windows to watch you grow. Do not take this as mistrust, rather my fulfillment of joy as a parent at the person I get to watch you become.

Empathy, my dear, is something I will be teaching from day one. I apologize half-heartedly in advance for the constant prodding you will hear in your head to think before you act or speak. I truly believe empathy is the heart and soul of life. If you are able to empathize, you can understand people of the world and make some valuable connections. If you can empathize, we will always be able to communicate openly and honestly. I pray that you are a thoughtful individual who never doubts that he is able. Similar to empathy would be your ability to maintain self-control. Know yourself and what makes you tick. Know your true limits and be able to differentiate them from the limits you put on yourself and then challenge those limits. I pray that you pay attention to yourself and your needs just as much as you pay attention to those around you. Just because you are caring and empathetic doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own well-being.

Finally, my love, I pray for your patience. Your father and I are doing this parenting thing for the first time. We have plenty of experience, but I know that our experience will either make us over confident, or slap us hard in the face letting us know nothing could truly prepare us for parenthood. Your father and I may not always agree on things, and we will ask for your patience while we figure it out. Food may not always be ready when you want it, and toys may not always be available when you look for them, during which times we will ask for your patience. When you do something for the first time, we will be too, so I pray that it is through us that you witness and learn how to be patient.

Above all, I pray for your soul; that you may know Jesus Christ and call Him friend. I pray that your father and I can guide you well enough that you are excited for church and that you make your own decision to dedicate your life to Christ through baptism when you are old enough to comprehend what that means and the weight of this decision in today’s world. I pray that you are not swayed or tempted by the world we live in and that you live to one day live in God’s kingdom. You are our biggest blessing and our most exciting adventure. We absolutely cannot wait to hold you in our arms and tell you everyday how much we love you.

Always,

Your loving mother

On Bringing Up Bebe

Lately, I haven't been posting much to my blog, and that saddens me. When I began this blog page, I wrote that I would post whenever inspiration hit and unfortunately, that hasn't happened much. I apologize for the sloppy posts the past few months, but I have found inspiration in a coffee shop--like all legendary writers--and I will try my best to exhume my name like a phoenix from the ashes.

During my pregnancy, I did not read "What To Expect When You're Expecting". I did not get a subscription to Parents magazine, nor did I spend an excessive amount of time looking up pregnancy issues and complications. I did not make this a research assignment to become the best mom I could be. Honestly, I was very confident in my abilities from the beginning. I have worked with children all my life and I always knew I was meant to be a mother. I have had plenty of practice with children of all ages and stages, and most recently, my position as a nanny has prepared me for everything! I was given a devotional from a friend and that was the only publication I cracked open to prepare me for motherhood; the only one until I heard about the memoir by Pamela Druckerman "Bringing Up Bebe".

The book "Bringing Up Bebe" is the account of an American mother, Druckerman, who moved from New York with her British husband to Paris. She saw a vast difference in the behaviors of American and French parents and children and began a journey to delve deeper into the varied characteristics of each party. While the writing style is an easy read, you can tell the author put work into her studies. She has a large pool of people who were interviewed, a series of notes at the end of the book dictating where much of her statistical information came from, and the period of time that is covered is quite a few years. There has been a decent amount of controversy behind this book, but that is nothing new. In college, I wrote a paper on the lack of French children that have ADD/ADHD versus the massive amount of American children who are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. While completing my research, I was thrown into the black hole of cultural parenting styles. I was very intrigued and decided I was very much NOT the typical "American parent". When I heard about this book, you better believe my interest was piqued and I went straight to Barnes and Noble to make my first parenting book purchase.

Now, y'all know by now I have anxiety. This leads me to do silly things like obsess over reviews of books, movies, baby items, foods, technology, and whatnot (literally, what not). You can bet that even though I bought the book, I still looked up reviews and articles and blog posts pertaining to this book. I came across such varying opinions, and so strongly worded. Many American parents were offended, and many French parents quickly spoke up that Druckerman's portrayal of French parenting was inaccurate. You could not imagine my excitement to read this book the more I read these reviews.

Three months later and I am now 75% done with the book (definitely the most time I have EVER spent reading a book); I definitely appreciate this text. I feel that Druckerman does a fair job of pointing out that what she sees is not true of all families of all cultures, rather in her experience, the consensus is what she writes. I also feel that Druckerman hits on a lot of American parenting issues, which as an American, I agree with. Again, I have a ton of childcare experience and I have seen basically every type of parent. I have been in situations that seem only possible in a comedy film, and I have been in situations that make me truly weep for a child. I have also been in situations where I am astounded by a parent's skill and beg me to teach me their ways. I feel that I have built up enough research to be able to respond to Druckerman's experiences. This is what I have been inspired to do. There are a lot of issues Druckerman brings up from either culture (realize she mainly focuses on French and American parenting because that is where her experiences come from) that I would like to respond to. My poor husband is so tired of me consistently jumping on my soapbox and preaching my points of view in response to Druckerman. I pray that I can use this platform as an arena to share my opinions and perhaps begin a healthy, kind, dialogue about parenting styles. Or maybe I won't and I will move on from this book and find something else to be inspired by! Stay tuned...

-T