So I'm sure this is an over-discussed topic. And there have been so many points of view already. But everyone is so different and has had different experiences, so what's another post on this topic?
Quick background on my friendships: Growing up, I had a constant revolving door of "best friends". My first bestie from Kinder and I got in an "argument" in third grade on the playground and that forever changed our dynamic. My 4th grade bestie moved after 6th. In middle school, I got closer with a friend who I wasn't that close to, and she is still one of my best friends, even though she's in Australia! High school I found friends I thought I would have forever. One in particular was a grade older than me, but we did everything together. We always wrote notes, drew each other pictures, walked each other to class. We said we were going to grow old together and be "aunts" to each other's kids and be each wedding. But come my senior year, I had made new friends since she was no longer on campus, and that created a lot of "high school drama". I really hate that we aren't friends anymore, but I have learned to deal. Unfortunately, very few friends ever stuck. I really can say I have two friends from school that I still actually want to talk to. College was different. I went to a Christian university, so most of the people I met were genuine. I made quite a few friends who I am still in contact with and I was so happy to have finally made lasting connections. Moving away was heartbreaking, since most of these friendships were still young and I didn't want to lose them. In NC, I had SUCH a hard time making friends, and still do. But I have definitely found people I want a friendship with. NOTE: I do have a best friend. He is my husband. I am so happy I married my best friend.
A few weeks back, I took the Myers-Briggs personality test. I had taken it in college, but I wanted to see if I had changed. I hadn't. I am the Advocate personality, INFJ. Reading about how that applies to friendships, I was blown away! The website explained that I long for authenticity, a rarity in today's world. Also, Advocates are private people, but wide open when they finally feel like they can trust someone. "Advocates seek out people who share their passions, interests and ideologies..."-16personalities.com. Honestly reading the whole thing, I kept exclaiming in excitement that it was so me and so true! I can;t cover all of it because there was a lot of information, but it really made me aware of my value as a friend (excuse the egotism). As I read, I kept thinking, "Why don't I have more friends, then?" and that thought saddened me. I think I may come on strong, but I do that because I am fearful of losing a potential friendship. Or I may be completely hands-off, because I am fearful to lose a potential friendship. Neither is healthy, but i would hope that someone who seeks a relationship with me notices this and can look past it.
So when I moved, I left everything I knew behind and had to start over. I was 22, just married, and home alone a lot! I couldn't go out on the town with young, single friends. I couldn't find married friends because Stephen was gone a lot. And I had no where to make friends. I was so desperate I tried an app that located other people nearby who were also looking for friends. I tried to make friends wherever I could. I began to babysit for a family, and their family welcomed me. That helped open the gateway to new friends. I began to attend church with them and found a welcoming community with other twenty something just married people. I feel like I have found people I can grow a friendship with, but what is the next step?
Step 1: Identify your "tribe". Who are the types of people you are seeking to attract. I wanted young people who were settling down in life. Figure out who you're looking for.
Step 2: Locate your "tribe". Where would these types of people hang out? If you're looking for friends to party with, you might go to a bar late at night with a friend or to looking for more friends. If you're like me, church is probably the best place (I actually think church is always the best place to find friends, but to each her own).
Step 3: Find common ground. Obviously you don't need to be "twinsies" from the beginning, but you do need to find a commonality. Music, ethnicity, location are all broad ideas.
Step 4: Exchange information: I know this may seem obvious, but I forget. Hubby and I actually went to dinner last week with married friends and I forgot to ask her number. I asked on IG, but I don't think she saw because she didn't give it to me...
Step 5: Don't overthink it! I am such a worrier. A quiet worrier, but a worrier nonetheless. I get deep in my mind and think worst case scenario without fail every single time! In the above situation, I thought, 'Wow I must have come on so strong. She doesn't want to give me her number. I'm such a weirdo. I'll never make a good friend.' But there's a big chance that's not true. Just be you and if someone doesn't like that, you need to be okay with that because authenticity is key in a solid friendship.
Step 6: Maintenance. I am literally the most low maintenance friend there is. I don't need to talk to you fro ages and we can have one conversation and I'm like, "Man, this girl is my super bestie and we are the best bestie I could ever imagine!". But that isn't always the case. And to actually have a healthy, productive, solid friendship, much more maintenance is required. I have so many relationships I want to make solid friendships, but I know I am not pouring in the energy I should be. I know it's tedious, but if you don't put in energy, you can't expect your potential bestie to put any in either.
Step 7: Communicate. In any relationship, communication is key. I don't just mean talking, which I do a lot of unfortunately (anyone else find their mouth going on and on about themselves and their brain is yelling at them to shut up!?!). I'm saying have honest, open communication. Listen when you're not speaking and speak with intentionality. Man, I sound so much better when I write out what I want to say than when I'm face to face. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses and use them. I always prefer to text than call because I have more time to think of my response.
Step 8: Prayer. Ask God to send people into your life who will add joy and peace to your life, not chaos and destruction. We all know that toxic people shouldn't be in our lives, so be adamant about not allowing them in in the first place. I've had to get rid of some toxic people, and it definitely isn't easy, but praying about it is the encouragement I need to remind myself to seek joy in His kingdom, including friends who share the same beliefs. If you need verses or prayer guidance when it comes to seeking friendships, let me know. I don't want to overwhelm this post anymore than it already is.
Currently, I'm finding a lot of mama relationships on IG. But most of them are comments here and there. I see so many moms making great friendships and again, I wonder why I can't seem to get a phone number. I try everyday to follow these steps. Life constantly gets in the way, and sometimes the work I've put into a relationship moves backward like, a million steps. But I know if I stay at it and pray, God will provide. I need to pray like my prayer is already answered (I forgot which verse that is and I am way too exhausted to look it up...someone please tell me!)
Good luck, friends! -T
Showing posts with label inspire. Show all posts
Showing posts with label inspire. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
On Bringing Up Bebe
Lately, I haven't been posting much to my blog, and that saddens me. When I began this blog page, I wrote that I would post whenever inspiration hit and unfortunately, that hasn't happened much. I apologize for the sloppy posts the past few months, but I have found inspiration in a coffee shop--like all legendary writers--and I will try my best to exhume my name like a phoenix from the ashes.
During my pregnancy, I did not read "What To Expect When You're Expecting". I did not get a subscription to Parents magazine, nor did I spend an excessive amount of time looking up pregnancy issues and complications. I did not make this a research assignment to become the best mom I could be. Honestly, I was very confident in my abilities from the beginning. I have worked with children all my life and I always knew I was meant to be a mother. I have had plenty of practice with children of all ages and stages, and most recently, my position as a nanny has prepared me for everything! I was given a devotional from a friend and that was the only publication I cracked open to prepare me for motherhood; the only one until I heard about the memoir by Pamela Druckerman "Bringing Up Bebe".
The book "Bringing Up Bebe" is the account of an American mother, Druckerman, who moved from New York with her British husband to Paris. She saw a vast difference in the behaviors of American and French parents and children and began a journey to delve deeper into the varied characteristics of each party. While the writing style is an easy read, you can tell the author put work into her studies. She has a large pool of people who were interviewed, a series of notes at the end of the book dictating where much of her statistical information came from, and the period of time that is covered is quite a few years. There has been a decent amount of controversy behind this book, but that is nothing new. In college, I wrote a paper on the lack of French children that have ADD/ADHD versus the massive amount of American children who are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. While completing my research, I was thrown into the black hole of cultural parenting styles. I was very intrigued and decided I was very much NOT the typical "American parent". When I heard about this book, you better believe my interest was piqued and I went straight to Barnes and Noble to make my first parenting book purchase.
Now, y'all know by now I have anxiety. This leads me to do silly things like obsess over reviews of books, movies, baby items, foods, technology, and whatnot (literally, what not). You can bet that even though I bought the book, I still looked up reviews and articles and blog posts pertaining to this book. I came across such varying opinions, and so strongly worded. Many American parents were offended, and many French parents quickly spoke up that Druckerman's portrayal of French parenting was inaccurate. You could not imagine my excitement to read this book the more I read these reviews.
Three months later and I am now 75% done with the book (definitely the most time I have EVER spent reading a book); I definitely appreciate this text. I feel that Druckerman does a fair job of pointing out that what she sees is not true of all families of all cultures, rather in her experience, the consensus is what she writes. I also feel that Druckerman hits on a lot of American parenting issues, which as an American, I agree with. Again, I have a ton of childcare experience and I have seen basically every type of parent. I have been in situations that seem only possible in a comedy film, and I have been in situations that make me truly weep for a child. I have also been in situations where I am astounded by a parent's skill and beg me to teach me their ways. I feel that I have built up enough research to be able to respond to Druckerman's experiences. This is what I have been inspired to do. There are a lot of issues Druckerman brings up from either culture (realize she mainly focuses on French and American parenting because that is where her experiences come from) that I would like to respond to. My poor husband is so tired of me consistently jumping on my soapbox and preaching my points of view in response to Druckerman. I pray that I can use this platform as an arena to share my opinions and perhaps begin a healthy, kind, dialogue about parenting styles. Or maybe I won't and I will move on from this book and find something else to be inspired by! Stay tuned...
-T
During my pregnancy, I did not read "What To Expect When You're Expecting". I did not get a subscription to Parents magazine, nor did I spend an excessive amount of time looking up pregnancy issues and complications. I did not make this a research assignment to become the best mom I could be. Honestly, I was very confident in my abilities from the beginning. I have worked with children all my life and I always knew I was meant to be a mother. I have had plenty of practice with children of all ages and stages, and most recently, my position as a nanny has prepared me for everything! I was given a devotional from a friend and that was the only publication I cracked open to prepare me for motherhood; the only one until I heard about the memoir by Pamela Druckerman "Bringing Up Bebe".
The book "Bringing Up Bebe" is the account of an American mother, Druckerman, who moved from New York with her British husband to Paris. She saw a vast difference in the behaviors of American and French parents and children and began a journey to delve deeper into the varied characteristics of each party. While the writing style is an easy read, you can tell the author put work into her studies. She has a large pool of people who were interviewed, a series of notes at the end of the book dictating where much of her statistical information came from, and the period of time that is covered is quite a few years. There has been a decent amount of controversy behind this book, but that is nothing new. In college, I wrote a paper on the lack of French children that have ADD/ADHD versus the massive amount of American children who are diagnosed with ADD/ADHD. While completing my research, I was thrown into the black hole of cultural parenting styles. I was very intrigued and decided I was very much NOT the typical "American parent". When I heard about this book, you better believe my interest was piqued and I went straight to Barnes and Noble to make my first parenting book purchase.
Now, y'all know by now I have anxiety. This leads me to do silly things like obsess over reviews of books, movies, baby items, foods, technology, and whatnot (literally, what not). You can bet that even though I bought the book, I still looked up reviews and articles and blog posts pertaining to this book. I came across such varying opinions, and so strongly worded. Many American parents were offended, and many French parents quickly spoke up that Druckerman's portrayal of French parenting was inaccurate. You could not imagine my excitement to read this book the more I read these reviews.
Three months later and I am now 75% done with the book (definitely the most time I have EVER spent reading a book); I definitely appreciate this text. I feel that Druckerman does a fair job of pointing out that what she sees is not true of all families of all cultures, rather in her experience, the consensus is what she writes. I also feel that Druckerman hits on a lot of American parenting issues, which as an American, I agree with. Again, I have a ton of childcare experience and I have seen basically every type of parent. I have been in situations that seem only possible in a comedy film, and I have been in situations that make me truly weep for a child. I have also been in situations where I am astounded by a parent's skill and beg me to teach me their ways. I feel that I have built up enough research to be able to respond to Druckerman's experiences. This is what I have been inspired to do. There are a lot of issues Druckerman brings up from either culture (realize she mainly focuses on French and American parenting because that is where her experiences come from) that I would like to respond to. My poor husband is so tired of me consistently jumping on my soapbox and preaching my points of view in response to Druckerman. I pray that I can use this platform as an arena to share my opinions and perhaps begin a healthy, kind, dialogue about parenting styles. Or maybe I won't and I will move on from this book and find something else to be inspired by! Stay tuned...
-T
Saturday, January 23, 2016
On Rosemary + James
As I am about to launch an Etsy shop under the same name as my blog, I decided it was time to explain the reason behind my naming everything "Rosemary and James" because if you don't know me, you are probably wondering why in the heck I am using names that have nothing to do with my own.
As you all know, I am and always have been very creative; I also overthink just about everything I do. Growing up, I struggled dealing with these sometimes conflicting traits. My Nana, Rosemary, was a realist. She had no problem speaking her mind and she was not one to waste time doing something she didn't see as worthwhile. My Pop-pop, on the other hand, was a dreamer. As you spoke to James, you couldn't help but catch his whimsy. There was a contagious dream-like state of mind that drew me to him. I see myself as the epitome of the combination of my grandparent's strongest characteristics. I pride myself on being able to balance both my logic and my whimsy, which I learned from watching my mother's parents. Just because their love story didn't have a happy ending, doesn't mean their lives didn't. They had six wonderful children between them, and they got to spend so much of their lives surrounded by family who loved them irrevocably. It is my goal to reach my highest potential in whatever I set out to do, so that I can make them proud. Both my Nana and my Pop-pop influenced me in so many ways that I cannot help but make the choices I do from advice I've received and experiences I've shared with them. I wish I could share the memories I have of them with all of you because they were truly incredible people. At the risk of sounding super cheese balls, even though they are no longer a phone call away, they will always be with me, mind and soul.
A year and a half ago, I made some pretty big changes in my life, but I knew I wanted to begin on a career path that allowed me to exercise my creative side. I thought of what I would name my company in the future, and I thought of my grandparents. I know that without a doubt, they would put my work up in their house and brag about me to their friends in their book clubs and on their Bingo nights. Nana would talk to me and ask me what my plans are, and Pop-pop would tell me to be happy and do what I love. I'm sure someone in my family is going to have something to say about this. So if you are reading this and you are thinking that you don't like something I said, please keep it to yourself. I love my memories of my grandparents and I don't want them spoiled. Please and thank you.
So like I said, I am going to be opening an Easy shop pretty soon, just as soon as I complete a few more products to post. I am super excited for this new journey and I am excited to share it with you! For ordering information or updates, email rosemaryandjamesshop@gmail.com.
Bonsoir.
-T
Dedicated to Rosemary + James
A year and a half ago, I made some pretty big changes in my life, but I knew I wanted to begin on a career path that allowed me to exercise my creative side. I thought of what I would name my company in the future, and I thought of my grandparents. I know that without a doubt, they would put my work up in their house and brag about me to their friends in their book clubs and on their Bingo nights. Nana would talk to me and ask me what my plans are, and Pop-pop would tell me to be happy and do what I love. I'm sure someone in my family is going to have something to say about this. So if you are reading this and you are thinking that you don't like something I said, please keep it to yourself. I love my memories of my grandparents and I don't want them spoiled. Please and thank you.
So like I said, I am going to be opening an Easy shop pretty soon, just as soon as I complete a few more products to post. I am super excited for this new journey and I am excited to share it with you! For ordering information or updates, email rosemaryandjamesshop@gmail.com.
Bonsoir.
-T
Dedicated to Rosemary + James
Sunday, December 27, 2015
On Maturity
Lately I have come across a lot of instances in my life that have made me inflect on the idea of maturity. Defining maturity is just as difficult as it is easy. There are different measures of maturity, different types of maturity, and various things can be assigned a maturity level: cheese, people, wine, video games. I know this may seem like a very random or vague topic, so please bear with me as I write and try to make sense of my own thoughts as well!
When it comes to wine and cheese, maturity is measured by age. When determining the maturity of a person, I can assure you, age has nothing to do with it. I have met the most astonishingly mature ten-year old and a very immature person of fifty-five. One could say that the person who acts childish is the less mature. When we see a child acting not like a child, we praise him for being "mature".
I believe true maturity is when a person is able to act in a manner that is truly reflective of who they are. Basically, when you see guys being complete tools in the manner they treat women, that is honestly not who they are, but they are deflecting some other emotions or feelings in an unhealthy and immature way. When women are full crazy drama psycho maniacs who have no regard to other people's feelings, they are masking their true self and guarding their feelings and emotions in an unhealthy and immature way. But the minute a person decides to fix that, to right their attitude and own up to their emotions and feelings, no matter how irrational or flawed, is the minute that person truly matures. On a much smaller scale, looking back to myself just one year ago, I think how immature I was; I was forcing myself into a career and a lifestyle I was not happy with (this change is reflected in my design style, as illustrated in my previous post "On Starting Over" http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2015/11/on-starting-over.html). Recently, I began a journey on identifying my true self. In doing so, I have been able to feel more and more like I am truly acting in a way that is reflective of who I am. I find myself slipping and saying or doing something that is immature, meaning a way that is not reflective of who I am, and I always try to catch myself and use it as a springboard for growth.
Maturity in a person has little to do with age and a lot to do with experiences. If a person has been in a situation where they have been encouraged and allowed to be true to their self, they will often be much more mature than someone who has not. Perhaps that is why tweens (hate that word) and teens are usually seen as immature; they are finding identifying themselves while they are often trying to graduate, pick a career, struggling to make their parents happy, make good grades, stay involved, and just have fun!
So basically, if you're reading this and hoping to take something away, remember that life is too short to be anyone but yourself...I know I heard that somewhere so I just looked it up. Thank Anne Hathaway for that advice. But really, seek true maturity and you will find yourself; seek yourself and you will find true maturity.
Au revoir!
T
When it comes to wine and cheese, maturity is measured by age. When determining the maturity of a person, I can assure you, age has nothing to do with it. I have met the most astonishingly mature ten-year old and a very immature person of fifty-five. One could say that the person who acts childish is the less mature. When we see a child acting not like a child, we praise him for being "mature".
I believe true maturity is when a person is able to act in a manner that is truly reflective of who they are. Basically, when you see guys being complete tools in the manner they treat women, that is honestly not who they are, but they are deflecting some other emotions or feelings in an unhealthy and immature way. When women are full crazy drama psycho maniacs who have no regard to other people's feelings, they are masking their true self and guarding their feelings and emotions in an unhealthy and immature way. But the minute a person decides to fix that, to right their attitude and own up to their emotions and feelings, no matter how irrational or flawed, is the minute that person truly matures. On a much smaller scale, looking back to myself just one year ago, I think how immature I was; I was forcing myself into a career and a lifestyle I was not happy with (this change is reflected in my design style, as illustrated in my previous post "On Starting Over" http://rosemaryandjames.blogspot.com/2015/11/on-starting-over.html). Recently, I began a journey on identifying my true self. In doing so, I have been able to feel more and more like I am truly acting in a way that is reflective of who I am. I find myself slipping and saying or doing something that is immature, meaning a way that is not reflective of who I am, and I always try to catch myself and use it as a springboard for growth.
So basically, if you're reading this and hoping to take something away, remember that life is too short to be anyone but yourself...I know I heard that somewhere so I just looked it up. Thank Anne Hathaway for that advice. But really, seek true maturity and you will find yourself; seek yourself and you will find true maturity.
T
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