On Appreciating the Bad Days

So that vacation we took wasn't much of a vacation. Dax was super extra fussy all day. He took a decent nap this morning but teething is really taking its toll. You know when your kid is really off and nothing works so you just have to hold him and love one him--I basically had to hold him all day. I'm not complaining about it at all. Maybe it is because I had already decided to do nothing today or maybe God put a peace over my heart, but I remained strong and positive all day. That is a huge feat considering I only got 3 hours of sleep. However, I was shriveling up inside. In my mind I pictured myself crawling under the covers and bawling until Stephen comes home tomorrow. 

Come 3 PM, I realized it was no where close to bedtime and we were going a little stir crazy. My mom suggested that we go to the park. So off we went, swiftly grabbing a few items we needed and forgetting a lot of others, like sun protection in the way of sunscreen (necessary evil) and bonnets. I knew being in the car would help him sleep too. Of course he was fussy on the way to the park, but once he got in that swing he was so happy! I felt so relieved. All my anxiety came out as hyper-excitement. As a mom with a very small baby who can't even sit in his own, things get boring fast. So we moved into the big swing and I swing with him in my lap. He loved it and the kids at the park loved him and D loved all the attention. Eventually my legs grew numb and we had to move on. He was extra fussy in the car but I knew he was tired, so I made up a new game: drive wherever and do what you can to not have to stop. If you're approaching a red light, get in the right hand lane; if you're going through a parking lot, keep turning for different exits; if you're approaching traffic, make a turn just before and discover something new. I got him to sleep and went to Chick-fil-A. Once he fell asleep, I felt the after shock of my anxiety; the nausea, headache, shakes, tears, like coming off a caffeine high. I could barely process the day and I knew it wasn't over yet. He woke up right as we got home and we were back to square one, except we were much closer to bedtime. I gave him some green beans (we started them this morning, he loved them, there are pics below) and he was happy on his own for a bit, long enough for me to catch my breath. Then we took a bath and D is now asleep in my arms. I want to put him down but then that means we are closer to sleep and closer to tomorrow and closer to five months and closer to a year and closer to him moving out for college! No matter how hard the days are, I wouldn't trade them for anything. Sure it would be nice for Stephen to be here to help, but then I would miss out on a cuddling period or a diaper change (yes, I cherish those). I know I am so lucky to experience bad days with Daxton. I love my baby and one day I will look back on this time and think nothing but melancholic thoughts that this phase has passed. I'm going to make sure to carpe diem. 

On Applying Spring to My Life

Spring has sprung! My favorite season is autumn, but spring is a close second. Spring in North Carolina is so beautiful. The weather will become perfect, and then sweltering hot, then a storm hits, and your'e back to perfect weather, rainbows, and all is green! It is truly the season of rebirth.

Yesterday, D and I began our day early. He woke up at about 6:30 and I didn't try to get him back to sleep like I normally do. I let him lay in bed with me and play for a bit after I nursed him. At 7:30 he started rubbing his eyes and getting a little fussy. I put him back down for a nap at about 8 and realized I could start working us toward a schedule. After he woke up (at 9:30!), we had breakfast and went for a run.

Applying this rebirth to my life, I have began running again. I have been unable to get back to working out due to some health issues post-pregnancy. I wasn't cleared to begin non-strenuous exercises until D was about 3 months old. Yesterday, I finally was able to get back out and run. I love running (its okay, you don't have to understand) as a stress reliever and a pick-me-up. I used to run all the time, but once I became pregnant, the doctor told me running would mess up my back an my sciatica a lot more, and eventually it wouldn't be safe for the baby, so it's been about a year since I ran last. It was so wonderful! I didn't want to overwork myself, so I only did about a mile and a half, but this time, I was pushing 20 lbs up and down hills. Running with a baby is so different! Daxton enjoyed it, minus the loud sounds of big rigs when they passed us by.

I felt so good after this! When we got back home, D played a little and then I put him down for his second nap. Unfortunately this one didn't last more than 35 minutes, but the point is I tried and he knows that there will be a nap around noon. So I got him up and let him play for a little while I made lunch (a kale, chicken, and quinoa salad with a homemade lemon vinaigrette). When he started to fuss, I laid him on his back on the rug so he could play with his feet. Suddenly, he began to cry a real cry, not a fussy cry. I was draining my quinoa and I looked up. D was on his tummy and I could see he had had a blowout all up his back! Poor kid was miserable and I was frozen in shock. I scooped him up and got to work cleaning him up and throwing that onesie away. An impromptu bath was called for (second one in as many days), and I had to get in with him; D could not calm down! It wasn't until he was out, changed, and nursing that he began to calm. He ended up falling asleep on me and slept for an hour. Safe to say our schedule was kaput after that, but I got some sweet baby snuggles. Today, we've been doing well with a schedule. He woke up at 6:05 and went down for a nap at 8:20 (after 23 minutes of rocking, shushing, and feeding). I have no idea what today holds, but I pray that D feels better today than he did yesterday and that he sleeps better, too!

P.S. I didn't eat my lunch until 5 PM, so I'm hoping I can eat earlier today!
-T

On A New Style

I'm noticing my days are beginning to blur together. When asked for my best mom life moment this week, I couldn’t think of one. I’m realizing that the little moments I cherish as they’re happening are becoming lost in the passing of everyday. The negativities and stresses tend to block out the parts of my day that have brought me joy. 

I used to view blogging as a medium for me to write out something of true substance rather than a brief gallery of pictures or a summary of my day, because who is going to want to read that? I realized I was writing more for others than for myself. Then I started looking at what other people did with their blogs. I really appreciated the fact that they would write, regardless of the amount or quality of content. So this is what I have decided to model my blog after. I will try to blog every night so summarize the day and remember the good and the bad and reflect. I am saddened it took me so long to realize this, but I am so ready to share the positives of my life. If you’re thinking that this sounds incredibly annoying and you don’t care about my everyday life, then I encourage you not to read it.

On God's Hidden Blessings

Daxton just turned 4 months! Lucky for us, that means a 4 month sleep regression(check out this article that explains the dreaded 4 month sleep regression https://theollieworld.com/blogs/posts/the-dreaded-4-month-sleep-regression?mc_cid=38ef263dc8&mc_eid=994caaf284)! We've never had issues with getting him to sleep through the night, though he rarely slept during the day. We have found, through trial and error, that the more D sleeps during the day, the longer he sleeps at night. Unfortunately, we are losing our minds as all that we've worked for has become obsolete due to this regression. 

For the past few mornings, I've been woken up at 5 AM to a child who just won't go back to sleep. I am 100% sure he is still tired, but he FEELS rested and won't put himself back to sleep like he used to. Now if you know me, I'm not particularly kind before 9 AM, and downright cruel before 7 AM. I find myself sobbing on these mornings, praying that God will put a peace on my baby's heart so that I could even get just ONE more hour of sleep. I set him in the DockATot in bed with me to try to squeeze a little extra shut eye. I slowly drag out the wake up process we have set so that I can snooze another 15-30 minutes any chance I get. I become so angry with God for blessing my child with such an awareness that he doesn't want to sleep and miss anything. I yell to God asking what I'm getting out of this and why I'm being spread as thin as I am. 

This morning it hit me. God is giving me more time with my sweet baby. I was feeling extremely melancholic thinking about how my boy is growing up way too fast. I was getting so emotional wondering how on earth I would be able to handle watching him grow up, knowing one day he will no longer fit in my arms. Eventually, the smell of sweat and aftershave will replace the beautiful natural scent of his hair. But for now, God is saying, "Hey, you know time is fleeting, so get off your lazy butt and kiss your baby good morning." 

Once I realized this, I busted out the camera to capture the moment. Because time is fleeting. So I got off my lazy butt and kissed the heck out of this kid. Eventually, he did go back to sleep.

-T

SaveSave

On Other People With My Baby

Everyone loves babies! Even the coldest person's heart will melt when a baby giggles and coos. But just because everyone loves babies and wants to see or play with them, doesn't mean I'm obligated to allow it. Now I may be the one to sound cold by not putting on a show anytime someone says, "Oh! A baby!", but I know I make a valid point and I hope others will agree. 

First things first, I have GAD, or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This will manifest itself in many ways and different times, and not every situation is created equal. Growing up in LA, I was very much used to going somewhere, getting done what had to be done, and moving on my way. Git. 'Er. Done. But in the South, there is a completely different way of getting things done. A 20 minute LA Target trip may equal a 40 minute Southern Target trip, once you account for letting people park ahead of you, nodding to the cart guy, waving to the car letting you cross, saying hello to at least two other customers who you may or may not know, completing a conversation with your checkout clerk, and passing your cart to someone else coming in or putting it in the cart return, rather than leave it in the middle of the parking spot next to you. My social anxiety is on red alert every time I go out, and it's a bit higher with a baby. If I seem to be moving quickly and as if I don't have time, it's probably best not to stop me and try to rally me into a conversation. 

Second, if I look like I'm struggling and you want to help, then that would be awesome. But the way to help is NOT asking if I need you to hold my baby. This is not just a "first time mom" thing. This is a Stranger Danger thing. Do I believe that my neighbor is going to run off with my kid. Well, it's highly unlikely, but I'm definitely not going to roll the dice on that one. If someone reeks of cigarette smoke, I'm not going to judge you, but I'm not going to let you hold my kid either. And if you've just walked up to me out of nowhere, why on Earth would I just hand over my baby to load groceries! I can do about a million things with just one hand, so please don't "offer" to hold my baby.  

Third, small talk has never been my forte. As I said earlier, I'm a person who gets stuff done. I always have a million things to do and NEVER enough time to do them all. When people try to make small talk, my mind is already thinking of a million other more productive ways to spend my time. I don't have to sit in the middle of the frozen aisle listening to you tell me about how much caring for a baby has changed. I really would rather spend those 5 minutes of you repeating how beautiful his eyes are or how big he is on something like completing my grocery list so I can get him home for nap time. And what am I supposed to do when you tell me what is best for my child under the guise of "advice". Please be respectful of my time and my child's schedule and don't follow me around the store because I won't stop to listen to you. 

Fourth, of my baby is covered, it's for a reason. He's either cold, or it's too sunny, or he's sleeping, or I want him to sleep. I don't think it's polite to ask someone to lift the cover so you can see. If you say, "Oh, a baby!"  I'm invited to ask you if you would like to see, but I have no obligation to let you see my baby. Too often people have asked, and it constantly baffles me. I have never and would never ask a mom to do something that could potentially make her uncomfortable or annoyed. If my baby is covered, leave him be. 

Also, please, please, please do not remind me how quickly my son is going to grow up! I am very aware that my days with him as a baby are limited, and you drawing attention to that does the opposite to help that situation and makes me super emotional. Every morning, I stare at my son in melancholy knowing that all too soon, he will be too big for me to hold on my hip or to pull into the nook of my arm. Every morning, I fight tears because I don’t want him to grow up and deal with the terrors of the world, but to stay young and sweet and innocent forever. Please do not bring those emotions to the surface, because there is a strong possibility I will start crying, and being your fault, you will have to deal with it. 

Kids: you gotta love ‘em, you gotta have ‘em, but you also tend to get annoyed of them. My husband and I just went to a restaurant to eat tonight. Being a Wednesday, kids ate free. We immediately regretted our decision to visit on a Wednesday night, which is unfortunate because it is really our only night for date night. There were kids yelling at my baby, kids running into our car seat Daxton was sitting in, kids trying to touch Daxton, and kids just all around getting involved in ways they really shouldn’t. Yes, I know my baby is adorable and I also am aware that he looks like such fun to play with, but it is disrespectful to do so without permission. “But they’re just kids, they don’t know any better!” You’re right! It is the job of their parents or present caregiver to teach them respect as it pertains to their self and others. I will always make sure my son is completely respectful of all people to the best of his ability. If a child came up to me and said, “Oh, your baby looks so sweet, can I say hi?”, my heart would melt of joy and happiness. I would feel so respected and my heart would be touched. Of course I would say yes! But when a child just comes up and yells, “BABY!” to my son, I will roll my eyes in annoyance and think that his parents really need to teach him a thing or two about respect.

Finally, I have nicknames for Daxton; my husband has nicknames for Daxton. If you hear us call him something, WE ARE NOT INVITING YOU TO AS WELL. There are the typical nicknames like "Bubba" or "Dax" that are obvious for everyone to call him. My husband sometime calls him "Bug". One time, someone else called Dax "Bug", and it really hurt poor hubby's heart because it was no longer just their thing. I call Dax "Chunks" because, well, he's a chunka chunk. If everyone started calling him Chunks, it would stick and I really don't want him being called "Chunks" when he's 18. The biggest one is "Mr. Sweetface". I know, super cheesy, but my husband and I were OBSESSED with Jane the Virgin, so we stole it from there. But it's ours and it's special and one day, when he goes off to college or gets married, I'll call him "Mr. Sweetface", and he'll get annoyed and whine, "Mooooom!" That is ours and I would appreciate that it stays that way. 

I know I just complained this whole post. I stood on my soapbox and had my moment. All I'm asking for is the same respect I've always given moms and that moms should always receive. A mom usually knows what is best for her baby, and for the most part, the family dynamic needs to be respected and is not public business. So please, don't disrespect me. 

-T

On Establishing Yourself in Your 20's

NOTE: This post was originally titled "On Settling Down In Your 20's", but I didn't want anyone to get the false impression that I've "settled". I am so lucky and #blessed to be where I am today!

Upon moving to the South, I went in search of a cupcake shop. It is completely imperative that one has a local bakery from which they can order a dozen cupcakes anytime they see fit. I found a cute little shop just a town over, and the owner was so sweet. I handed her my debit card to pay. She took it and looked at the picture. It was a picture of my husband and I on our wedding day. She asked if it was me and I replied that it was. "Oh, you're too young to be married! How old are you?" I was 22. I am now 24 and I have been married 2.5 years and have a two-month-old son. Many people I talk to would say I'm so young to be starting my family. Many others started their families earlier than I did. Many couples get married early in life and don't have kids for a while. But I have been told a lot of different things by a lot of different people and I would like to share why I'm glad I have made the choices that led me to where I am today.

Perhaps there is an argument to be made that when you're so young, you don't actually know what you want in a spouse. I strongly disagree. Unless you've lived under a rock your whole life, you know what types of people there are in the world and you know which types of people you want to have in your life.

I met my husband in high school. He was a junior and I was a senior. We started dating October after I graduated high school. To say we have had a rocky relationship would be an understatement. There were so many challenges and many issues we each had to work through, but we knew we would always be there for each other. Our relationship isn't perfect, but his love for me is as unconditional as humanly possible, overshadowed only by the Father's love and equating to my parents' love. There is no one who could love me as he does and make me feel as important. I knew this from the beginning. I never have ever doubted his love. From the moment we began dating, I knew this could be forever, and that scared me. I spent so much time pushing him away, afraid to commit before I was "ready" but I realized it was more important for me to have him in my life. I fail to see how she has anything to do with the situations we were in. If I had met my husband in middle school, we may have gotten married even sooner. If I had met him in college, we may still have gotten married sooner. The time we put into our relationship prior to our marriage was what we felt was best, and no one else can have an opinion because no one else is a part of that relationship.

After so many years of waiting and wishing, we finally had a baby boy. He is everything to me and I love him so. I never knew such pure, deep love until I gave birth to my son. He is my flesh and blood and I get to care for him day and night. He depends on me to eat, to change him, to get dressed, to sleep, to bathe, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My husband and I are the perfect team, which I knew based on our past experiences in the 6 years we've been dating (because we are always dating). I am a mom at 24 and I wish it was sooner! I know God had a plan for me and this baby and my family and He knew I wasn't ready before this, be he knew I would be a great mom, no matter how young I am.

The most common reason people don't want to start their family is that they are enjoying their life as it is. That is so great! There is no pressure on society for anyone of any age to have kids or get married. Just because your friends are doing it, doesn't mean you have to! I'll be completely honest, I see friends who travel all the time, who go out often, who go to concerts or events every weekend, and I get a little green. I do miss those fun times when I could call a friend and spontaneously meet up. Now I have to plan hours ahead so that I can leave on time for the pedi. I have to make sure that whatever craziness the day holds for me that I'm back in time to put Daxton to sleep by 8 so he can sleep for 8 hours(UPDATE: We're up to 10 hours!). But I look at my son and I look at my husband and I think how lucky I am to have such a beautiful life I get to influence and a wonderful husband to stand by me and love me. No concert or vacation could possibly fulfill that place in my heart.

Some define happiness by the amount of money in their bank account or by their career. Some define it by their car and their house. I define by the amount of joy in my life. Joy is not of this world, but of the Lord. I get my joy from my answered prayers. I prayed that I would be fulfilled in my marriage. I prayed that I would have a beautiful, healthy child. I prayed that I would find a community of people to be a solid part of my life. I prayed for true friendships. I prayed for my relationships with my mother, father, and sister. I have seen God answer all these prayers and overflow my life with blessings. I experience true joy daily and I wouldn't trade any part of my life because I'm too young.

-T