On Mommying Through Anxiety, Depression, and Introversion

It's no secret that I have anxiety. I have dealt with this all my life, but it wasn't until recently that I learned how to control it instead of letting it control me. I spent my entire pregnancy in therapy, mentally preparing myself for the crazy adventure ahead. I have known mothers who have dealt with issues similar to mine. Some have stayed strong and overcome their obstacles. Many have given in and let their issues steal some of their joy in many forms. I'm going to share my story and hopefully it all comes together in a cohesive way that I can actually post this!

Confidence
Anxiety is my biggest issue. It has caused me to doubt myself all my life. My confidence has always been threatened and I have the hardest time making decisions of any caliber. I literally wrote (tried to write) a song in high school with the line "Confidence is something/ Of which I know nothing". I battled depression my sophomore year of high school. I began gaining weight and was really hard on myself. Because of my self-doubt, I am an introvert. Once I gain enough confidence in a situation, I will be the life of the party, but getting there is always a battle.

Prioritize Self Care
In order to be a mother who could balance my issues and raise my child successfully, I would have to make myself a priority. I need sleep, I need to eat, I need to self-soothe, I need to read, and I need "me time". I know what I need to do to help keep the anxiety monster lurking in the shadows. Beyond self care in terms of hygiene, you need to care for your emotions, mental well-being, and your soul. I find the best ways to do this are meditation, studying my Bible, blogging, and cuddling my baby every morning.

Surround Yourself with Support
From the beginning of my pregnancy, I started thinking of women in my life I wanted to influence me in my parenting. I have a solid group of women I can contact if I need emotional support or someone to keep me accountable for breastfeeding. I am honored and lucky to have been a nanny to a family in which the mother was such a positive influence and is still a wonderful support. One of my closest friends was an OB nurse and suffered through me constantly texting and calling with a gazillion questions about the health of my child, but she never left me hanging. My own mother is my rock and created for me a wonderful influence from the beginning of my life. As a devoted and adoring mother, I know the kind of pure love I can give and I will always call upon my mom in hard times.

Stay Busy
I mean, you know yourself and what you will benefit from, but I find that if I don't sit on my couch all day and make it a point to get out with Daxton, I feel so much more successful and productive. When I'm on the go, I'm not thinking about my anxiety or depression. Every time someone coos or sees at Dax, it reminds me how joyful it is to be a mom. Every time someone asks how he's doing, I jump at the chance to brag how he is sitting up, sleeping through the night, and growing so strong! Daxton loves going out and exploring with me. It's so wonderful to create these memories together.

Be Lazy
I know I just said to stay busy, but balance your life! Every morning, D and I spend about an hour cuddling in bed. He practices sitting, he will lay in the nook of my arm, we hold hands, we play and laugh. It gets me excited to wake up in the morning! If you know me at all, you know that I am the furthest possible opposite of a morning person. The Lord doesn't bless me until about 9:00 AM. But allowing myself time to devote to doing nothing but spending lazy time with my son is such a blessing (#blessed). Many more moments to treasure!

Binge Watch/Read
Sometimes, you can't quell the beast. Know when to check out. I HATE checking out, but when I nurse, I will binge a show (currently Friends!) and allow myself some time to relax and not think about anything difficult. If I'm nursing at night, I'll read on my phone (The Chemist is SO good!) so that I can stay relaxed in the dark and focus my mind on one thing so it doesn't go wandering. Also, if anyone deals with difficulty falling asleep because of a wandering mind, I listen to movie scores and classical music so that I can focus on the instruments and let my mind drift to the music. It works!

Sleep!
I know we've all heard it a million times, but sleep when baby sleeps. I need to CONSTANTLY remind myself. Since Dax doesn't sleep too much, I don't get too much done. When he does sleep, I think of all the things I want to do, but if I don't get enough sleep, my forces wear down and the anxiety can become too overwhelming to keep in. Anxiety needs sleep!

Let Go
Sometimes, you can't help it. Literally just this night, I had a small incident. Long story short, I slammed the bathroom door in my husband's face and he was holding my son. I felt like a monster. I fell to the bathroom floor and wailed. I couldn't show my face to my son. I felt like he would hate me. It didn't help that he was crying. I knew I had been too strong for too long and I just let it out. I went out and held Dax and apologized and put him to sleep. I discussed with my husband that I'm not the type of person who needs to be calmed during those times. I'm capable of calming myself, and I'm aware of how crazy I'm being. If I'm given my space, I can get over it and move on.

It's so incredibly important to figure out what works for you and your family. Whether you're a mom or a dad, discuss with your partner what your needs are and how you can help each other. So often, we think we know our partners needs, but it's okay if we don't. We just need to remember that our partners are there to help us out. Communicate and you're golden!

-T

On Becoming a Mother

A letter I wrote to my unborn son:

November 21, 2016

Dear Daxton,

At this point, your due date has come and gone as of one hour ago. True, your due date changed a bit, but your dad and I liked the 20 best, so that’s what we stuck with. Unfortunately, you didn’t agree and you're still stuck in there, though it does seem like you want out. Your daddy and I want you out too and we are so hoping you make an appearance tomorrow. Your grandma is here, your Aunt CC (whatever you decide to call her is what we will go with) got in yesterday morning, and your grandpa is coming in Thanksgiving morning. We would love to celebrate your first Thanksgiving all together, so feel free to join us!

I am actually glad that you are still comfortable in the womb. You are already forming your personality of independence and self-awareness, which are traits I have prayed for in my children. These traits must be such a part of you that no crazy midwife concoction I ingest will get you to budge. I continue to pray that your father and I will be able to instill traits in you that will make you a strong man one day. Perhaps the most important traits are confidence, joy, chivalry, independence, empathy, self-control, and patience. Confidence is something that one can either have too much of, too little, or just the right amount. I pray that I challenge your confidence as much as I encourage it to get the right balance. Happiness may be important, but it comes from the world. Joy comes from Jesus and that is something I want you to learn you cannot live without. I pray that your never take for granted your faith or the freedom you have to practice that faith.

Your father is one of the only chivalrous men left on this planet. No other man has ever gone out of his way to open my car door, consistently made sure I was comfortable, or has brought me flowers just because. When your daddy wanted to propose, he asked your grandpa and grandma if he could marry their daughter. He has always made sure that I include my family in my everyday life. I pray that you are the type of gentleman for which all this is second nature, and that one day, when you find a woman you want to date, you naturally know you introduce yourself to her family and have her home early. I pray that you date to marry and you never go breaking a girl’s heart.

Independence is going to be a hard one for me as your mother. I want nothing more than a child who is confident enough in his own skin to not need me, but I want you to know I will always be there for you. You may be able to drive yourself to your football games, but I will always cheer you on. You may end up running into preschool shouting “Bye, Momma” over your shoulder, but I will peek in through the windows to watch you grow. Do not take this as mistrust, rather my fulfillment of joy as a parent at the person I get to watch you become.

Empathy, my dear, is something I will be teaching from day one. I apologize half-heartedly in advance for the constant prodding you will hear in your head to think before you act or speak. I truly believe empathy is the heart and soul of life. If you are able to empathize, you can understand people of the world and make some valuable connections. If you can empathize, we will always be able to communicate openly and honestly. I pray that you are a thoughtful individual who never doubts that he is able. Similar to empathy would be your ability to maintain self-control. Know yourself and what makes you tick. Know your true limits and be able to differentiate them from the limits you put on yourself and then challenge those limits. I pray that you pay attention to yourself and your needs just as much as you pay attention to those around you. Just because you are caring and empathetic doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice your own well-being.

Finally, my love, I pray for your patience. Your father and I are doing this parenting thing for the first time. We have plenty of experience, but I know that our experience will either make us over confident, or slap us hard in the face letting us know nothing could truly prepare us for parenthood. Your father and I may not always agree on things, and we will ask for your patience while we figure it out. Food may not always be ready when you want it, and toys may not always be available when you look for them, during which times we will ask for your patience. When you do something for the first time, we will be too, so I pray that it is through us that you witness and learn how to be patient.

Above all, I pray for your soul; that you may know Jesus Christ and call Him friend. I pray that your father and I can guide you well enough that you are excited for church and that you make your own decision to dedicate your life to Christ through baptism when you are old enough to comprehend what that means and the weight of this decision in today’s world. I pray that you are not swayed or tempted by the world we live in and that you live to one day live in God’s kingdom. You are our biggest blessing and our most exciting adventure. We absolutely cannot wait to hold you in our arms and tell you everyday how much we love you.

Always,

Your loving mother